essay about toxic love

What Is Toxic Love: Understanding the Dangers and Signs

Toxic love is a term that describes a relationship characterized by harmful and damaging behaviors. It refers to a connection where one or both partners exhibit emotionally or physically abusive actions, manipulation, control, and disrespect towards each other. In toxic love, there is an absence of genuine care, support, and mutual respect that are essential for a healthy relationship.

In these relationships, there may be constant arguments, power struggles, and an overall sense of unhappiness. It can leave individuals feeling trapped, isolated, and emotionally drained. Toxic love often involves patterns of behavior that repeat over time without resolution or improvement.

It’s important to recognize the signs of toxic love in order to protect ourselves from further harm. By understanding what toxic love entails and acknowledging its presence in our lives, we can begin the journey toward healing and finding healthier connections with others.

Recognizing the Signs of Toxic Love

When it comes to relationships, love should be a positive and nurturing force. However, in some cases, love can turn toxic and have detrimental effects on our well-being. It’s important to be able to recognize the signs of toxic love early on so that we can take steps to protect ourselves. Here are a few examples of what those signs might look like:

• Constant criticism and belittling: In a healthy relationship, partners support and encourage each other. But in a toxic relationship, one partner may constantly criticize and belittle the other. This can chip away at self-esteem and create an unhealthy power dynamic.
• Control and possessiveness: Healthy relationships are built on trust and mutual respect for each other’s autonomy. However, toxic love often manifests as controlling behavior or excessive possessiveness. This can include monitoring your every move, isolating you from friends and family, or making decisions without your input.
• Emotional manipulation: Toxic partners may use emotional manipulation tactics to control their significant others. They may guilt-trip you into doing things you don’t want to do or play mind games to keep you off balance emotionally.
• Lack of support for personal growth: A loving relationship should be a safe space for personal growth and development. In contrast, toxic love stifles individuality by discouraging your ambitions or undermining your goals.
• Frequent arguments escalating into abuse: Disagreements are normal in any relationship but when they escalate into verbal or physical abuse, it crosses into dangerous territory. If arguments become increasingly hostile or violent, it is crucial to seek help immediately.

Remember that these examples are not exhaustive; there can be many variations of toxic behaviors within relationships. It’s essential to trust your instincts if something feels off in your partnership.

By recognizing these signs early on, we empower ourselves with knowledge and understanding necessary for making informed decisions about our relationships’ future. If you find yourself in a toxic love situation, don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can help guide you through the process of healing and moving forward.

Understanding the Impact of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships can have a profound and lasting impact on our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. It’s important to recognize the signs and understand just how detrimental these relationships can be. Here are a few examples that highlight the consequences of toxic love:

• Emotional Distress: In a toxic relationship, emotional abuse often takes center stage. Constant criticism, manipulation, gaslighting, and belittling can leave one feeling worthless, anxious, and emotionally drained. The effects of such distress can seep into other areas of life, affecting self-esteem, confidence, and overall happiness.
• Isolation and Alienation: Toxic partners may employ tactics to isolate their loved ones from friends and family. They create an environment where their victims feel dependent solely on them for support and validation. This isolation can lead to feelings of loneliness, despair, and a loss of social connections that are vital for personal growth.
• Physical Health Issues: The stress caused by toxic relationships can manifest in physical health problems as well. Chronic headaches, gastrointestinal issues like stomachaches or irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), compromised immune system functioning due to constant anxiety – these are just a few examples of how toxic love can take a toll on our bodies.
• Self-Doubt and Identity Crisis: Over time, being subjected to toxicity erodes one’s sense of self-worth and identity. Victims may question their own judgment or abilities when constantly undermined by their partner’s negative behavior or words. This erosion contributes to feelings of confusion about who they truly are outside the context of this unhealthy relationship.
• Financial Exploitation: In some cases, toxic relationships involve financial exploitation where one partner controls all finances while withholding access or knowledge from the other person. Such control not only hampers financial independence but also creates dependency dynamics that further perpetuate the toxicity within the relationship.

It is crucial to understand that every person’s experience with toxic love may differ, and the impact can vary based on factors such as duration, intensity, and individual resilience. Recognizing these patterns early on is essential for breaking free from toxic relationships and seeking the necessary support to heal and rebuild one’s life.

In the next section, we will delve into signs that can help identify toxic relationships more effectively. Stay tuned!

The Cycle of Abuse in Toxic Relationships

When it comes to toxic relationships, understanding the cycle of abuse is crucial. This recurring pattern can trap individuals in a harmful and destructive dynamic that can be difficult to escape. Let’s delve into this cycle and shed light on its various stages.

• Tension Building: The cycle typically begins with a period of escalating tension between partners. During this phase, small arguments or disagreements may occur more frequently, causing an uncomfortable atmosphere. The victim often feels as though they are walking on eggshells, anticipating the next outburst or explosion from their partner.
• Explosion: The tension building phase eventually reaches a breaking point, leading to an explosive incident. This can manifest as physical violence, emotional abuse, verbal attacks, or any other form of harmful behavior. The victim is subjected to intense aggression and intimidation during this stage.
• Reconciliation: Following the explosive episode, there is often a period of reconciliation where the abuser displays remorse and tries to make amends for their actions. They may apologize profusely or promise that it will never happen again. This phase can be confusing for the victim as they desperately hope that things will change for the better.
• Calmness/Honeymoon Phase: In this stage, the relationship appears calm and peaceful once again. The abuser may shower their partner with love, affectionate gestures, gifts, or compliments in an attempt to regain control and keep them from leaving. However, this honeymoon phase is temporary and serves as a manipulative tactic used by the abuser to maintain power over their victim.
• Repeat: Unfortunately, without intervention or assistance from professionals or support networks outside the relationship, the cycle repeats itself over time—escalating in intensity with each iteration until it becomes even harder for victims to break free.

Understanding this repetitive nature of abusive relationships is essential for both victims and those supporting them in finding ways to break free from the toxic cycle. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, seek help from professionals or helpline services specializing in domestic violence .

Remember, breaking free from a toxic relationship takes courage and support. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, without fear of harm or manipulation.

Effects of Toxic Love on Mental Health

When it comes to toxic love, the impact on mental health can be profound and far-reaching. The damaging effects of being in a toxic relationship can take a toll on one’s emotional well-being, leading to a range of psychological issues. Here are some examples of how toxic love can negatively affect mental health:

• Anxiety and Depression: Toxic relationships often create an environment filled with constant stress, criticism, and negativity. This chronic exposure to emotional abuse can lead to heightened levels of anxiety and depression. The constant fear of judgment or rejection from your partner can leave you feeling trapped, helpless, and emotionally drained.
• Low Self-Esteem: Toxic love erodes self-esteem by constantly belittling, demeaning, or invalidating your thoughts and feelings. Over time, this repeated assault on your self-worth can cause you to question your own value and capabilities. You may start doubting yourself in various aspects of life and find it challenging to make decisions or assert boundaries.
• Isolation: In many toxic relationships, control becomes a prominent feature where one partner manipulates the other’s social interactions. They may restrict access to friends and family members or discourage any meaningful connections outside the relationship. As a result, you may feel isolated and cut off from vital sources of support that could help improve your mental well-being.
• Codependency: Toxic relationships often foster an unhealthy dependency where one partner becomes overly reliant on the other for validation and happiness. This codependent dynamic perpetuates a cycle of toxicity as both individuals become enmeshed in each other’s lives at the expense of their own personal growth and well-being.
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Extreme cases of toxic love characterized by physical or emotional abuse can lead to symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Intrusive memories, nightmares, hypervigilance, and a constant state of fear or anxiety may persist long after the relationship has ended.

It is important to recognize the signs of toxic love and prioritize your mental health. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can provide you with the necessary support and tools to heal from the effects of toxic relationships. Remember, you deserve to be in a loving and healthy partnership that nurtures your well-being rather than harms it.

Detoxifying Your Love Life: Breaking Free from Toxic Love

Are you feeling trapped in a toxic relationship? Is your love life causing more harm than happiness? It’s time to take control and break free from the cycle of toxic love. In this section, we’ll explore practical steps to detoxify your love life and reclaim your emotional well-being.

• Recognize the Signs: The first step towards breaking free from toxic love is to identify the signs of an unhealthy relationship. These signs may include constant criticism, manipulation, lack of trust, excessive jealousy, or physical violence. Acknowledging these red flags can be difficult, but it’s crucial for your own growth and happiness.
• Set Boundaries: Once you’ve recognized that you’re in a toxic relationship, it’s important to establish clear boundaries with your partner. Communicate your needs and expectations openly and honestly. Remember that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and support. Setting boundaries will help create a healthier dynamic between you and your partner.
• Seek Support: Breaking free from toxic love can be emotionally challenging. Reach out to friends, family members, or even professional counselors who can provide guidance and support during this difficult time. Having a strong support system can make all the difference as you navigate through the healing process.
• Focus on Self-Care: Investing time in self-care is essential for rebuilding your emotional well-being after leaving a toxic relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment – whether it’s practicing mindfulness exercises, exercising regularly, pursuing hobbies or spending quality time with loved ones.
• Learn from the Experience: Take this opportunity to reflect on what you’ve learned from being in a toxic relationship so that history doesn’t repeat itself in future relationships. Use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and empowerment.

By taking these steps to detoxify your love life, you’ll gain clarity about what healthy love looks like and pave the way for a brighter, more fulfilling future. Remember, breaking free from toxic love is not easy, but it’s worth it for your overall well-being and happiness.

When it comes to toxic love, one of the key factors that perpetuates harmful dynamics is a lack of healthy boundaries and low self-esteem. Building healthy boundaries and cultivating a strong sense of self-worth are essential for maintaining a balanced and mutually respectful relationship.

• Recognize Your Worth: One of the first steps in building self-esteem is recognizing your own worthiness. Understand that you deserve love, respect, and kindness just like anyone else. Challenge any negative beliefs or self-doubts that may be holding you back from valuing yourself.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries helps define what is acceptable and what is not in a relationship. Communicate your needs, desires, and limits with your partner openly and honestly. Be firm about enforcing these boundaries to ensure they are respected.
• Practice Self-Care: Engaging in regular self-care activities can significantly boost your self-esteem. Take time to engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself – whether it’s pursuing hobbies, practicing mindfulness, or simply taking care of your physical health.
• Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Building healthy relationships extends beyond romantic partnerships. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones who uplift you, support you, and encourage your growth. Having a strong support system can reinforce positive beliefs about yourself.
• Invest in Personal Development: Continuously work on personal growth by investing time into developing new skills, learning more about yourself, and challenging limiting beliefs. This commitment to personal development will strengthen your confidence and empower you to make choices aligned with your values.

Remember, building healthy boundaries and nurturing self-esteem takes time and effort but is crucial for creating fulfilling relationships free from toxicity. By prioritizing your well-being and fostering a positive sense of self-worth, you lay the foundation for healthier connections based on mutual respect and genuine love.

Seeking Professional Help for Healing from Toxic Love

When it comes to healing from toxic love, seeking professional help can be a crucial step on the path to recovery. While it may seem daunting or even unnecessary at first, working with a trained therapist or counselor can provide invaluable support and guidance throughout the healing process.

Here are a few reasons why seeking professional help is important:

• VALIDATION AND UNDERSTANDING: A skilled therapist can offer validation and understanding of your experiences in toxic relationships. They have the knowledge and expertise to recognize patterns of toxic behavior, helping you gain clarity and perspective on your situation. This validation can be empowering as it confirms that your feelings and experiences are valid.
• TOOLS AND STRATEGIES: Professionals specializing in relationship dynamics can equip you with effective tools and strategies to navigate the challenges of healing from toxic love. They can teach you healthy coping mechanisms, communication skills, boundary setting techniques, and ways to rebuild self-esteem that will serve you well not only in recovering from toxic relationships but also in future relationships.
• EMOTIONAL SUPPORT: Healing from toxic love involves addressing deep emotional wounds. Having a supportive professional by your side during this journey can provide the emotional support necessary for healing. Therapists create a safe space where you can express yourself freely without judgment while offering guidance on processing difficult emotions such as anger, sadness, guilt, or confusion.
• IDENTIFYING PATTERNS: Toxic relationships often involve cyclical patterns that repeat themselves unless addressed properly. With their expertise, therapists can help you identify these patterns so that you can break free from them once and for all. By recognizing these patterns, you’ll be better equipped to make healthier choices moving forward.
• BUILDING RESILIENCE: Recovering from toxic love requires building resilience and reclaiming your sense of self-worth. Working with professionals who specialize in trauma-informed therapy or relationship counseling provides an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. They can guide you in rebuilding your confidence, setting healthy boundaries, and developing a positive self-image.

Remember, seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness but rather a courageous step towards reclaiming your happiness and well-being. By investing in therapy or counseling, you are prioritizing your healing journey and giving yourself the best chance at breaking free from toxic love for good.

So if you find yourself struggling to heal from toxic love, consider reaching out to a professional who can provide the support and guidance needed to move forward on the path to recovery. You don’t have to face this journey alone; there are experts ready to help you navigate through this difficult time and emerge stronger on the other side.

After exploring the concept of toxic love in depth , it is clear that this destructive pattern of behavior can have serious consequences on individuals and their relationships. Here are a few examples that illustrate the damaging nature of toxic love:

• Constant Criticism: In a toxic relationship, partners often engage in relentless criticism and belittlement. This constant negativity erodes self-esteem and undermines the foundation of trust and support necessary for a healthy partnership.
• Control and Manipulation: Toxic love is characterized by power imbalances, where one partner seeks to control and manipulate the other’s thoughts, actions, or emotions. This manipulation can take various forms, such as gaslighting or emotional blackmail, leaving the victim feeling trapped and powerless.
• Lack of Boundaries: Toxic relationships often lack clear boundaries, with partners encroaching on each other’s personal space and disregarding individual needs and desires. This leads to feelings of suffocation and resentment.
• Emotional Rollercoaster: A hallmark of toxic love is the unpredictable emotional rollercoaster ride experienced by both partners. Extreme highs may be followed by intense lows, creating an unstable environment filled with anxiety, fear, or even trauma.
• Isolation from Support Systems: Toxic love often isolates individuals from their friends, family members, or other sources of support. This isolation further perpetuates the cycle of abuse as victims find themselves without a network to turn to for help or guidance.

In conclusion, toxic love is an unhealthy dynamic characterized by constant criticism, control tactics, blurred boundaries, emotional volatility, and isolation from support systems. Recognizing these signs is crucial in order to break free from such harmful relationships and seek healthier alternatives based on mutual respect and genuine care for one another.

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What to Know If You're Concerned About a Toxic Relationship

How to spot the warning signs of toxic relationships

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

• How to Leave

A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.

On a basic level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better can become toxic over time. Toxic relationships can exist in just about any context, from the playground to the boardroom to the bedroom. You may even deal with toxic relationships among your family members.

People with mental illnesses, such as  bipolar disorder ,  major depression , or even depressive tendencies, may be particularly susceptible to toxic relationships since they are already  sensitive to negative emotions .

For example, someone with bipolar disorder who is in the midst of a mixed or depressive episode may have a somewhat weaker grip on emotional stability than others, and that may make that person an easier target for toxic people. However, toxic people can affect anyone.

Here's what you need to know about toxic relationships, including what makes a relationship toxic and how to determine if you're in one. You'll also find tips for effective ways to manage these types of relationships, such as going to online therapy or online couples counseling .

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Only you can tell if the bad outweighs the good in a relationship. But if someone consistently threatens your well-being by what they're saying, doing, or not doing, it's likely a toxic relationship.

Relationships that involve physical or verbal abuse are definitely classified as toxic. But there are other, more subtle, signs of a toxic relationship, including:

• You give more than you're getting, which makes you feel devalued and depleted.
• You feel consistently disrespected or that your needs aren't being met.
• You feel a toll on your self-esteem over time.
• You feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned , or attacked.
• You feel depressed, angry, or tired after speaking or being with the other person.
• You bring out the worst in each other. For example, your competitive friend brings out a spite-based competitive streak that is not enjoyable for you.
• You are not your best self around the person. For example, they bring out the gossipy side of you, or they seem to draw out a mean streak you don't normally have.
• You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person to keep from becoming a target of their venom.
• You spend a lot of time and emotional strength trying to cheer them up.
• You are always to blame. They turn things around so things you thought they had done wrong are suddenly your fault.

Toxic vs. Abusive Relationships

Not all toxic relationships are abusive; however, all abusive relationships can be considered toxic.

In a toxic relationship, there is usually a lack of respect and a violation of boundaries. Sometimes, this behavior occurs without the person even realizing they're doing it.

But, if this kind of behavior is consistently repeated with the active intent to harm the other person, the relationship could be considered abusive.

Abuse can take many forms—such as psychological, emotional, and physical abuse. Abusive relationships tend to also follow the cycle of abuse. For example, the stages of the cycle of abuse usually involve:

• Tension starts to build.
• An act of abuse occurs.
• The person who committed the act apologizes, blames the victim, or minimizes the abuse.
• There is a period of time during which no abuse occurs; however, the cycle eventually repeats.

In addition, toxic relationships may be more subjective than abusive ones. For instance, if you have a history of being lied to, you might consider anyone who lies a toxic person; someone else might be more willing to let it slide and give the person who lied a second chance.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse of any kind, there are resources that can help.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the  National Domestic Violence Hotline  at  1-800-799-7233  for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see our  National Helpline Database .

Toxic vs. Healthy Behavior

When determining if a relationship is creating toxicity, it's important to look at which behaviors are being displayed most frequently in the relationship.

In other words, if one or both of you are consistently selfish, negative, and disrespectful, you could be creating toxicity in the relationship. But if you're mostly encouraging, compassionate, and respectful, then there might just be certain issues that create toxicity that need to be addressed.

It's important to recognize the signs of toxicity—whether it's in you or in the other person. Here are some signs of both toxic behaviors and healthy behaviors.

Self-centered

Distrusting

Disrespectful

Encouraging

Trustworthy

Compassionate

Types of Toxic Relationships

It's important to note that toxic relationships are not limited to romantic relationships. They exist in families, in the workplace, and among friend groups—and they can be extremely stressful, especially if the toxicity isn't effectively managed.

• When there are negative behaviors : Some people's constant complaining, critical remarks, and overall negativity create a toxic environment. Other toxic traits may include perfectionism, unhealthy competitiveness, and frequent lying. A person may also let their insecurities bring out the worst in them.
• When one (or both) people lack self-awareness : Sometimes people are unaware of their negative effect on others. They also may not know healthier ways to communicate. It's likely that they don't know how to read social cues well enough to know when they're frustrating people or making them feel like they are being criticized or ignored.
• When a person intentionally hurts others : Some people are deliberately rude and hurtful. In these situations, you may feel singled out and targeted through their mean words and actions. A person may also try to control or manipulate you, which is toxic behavior.
• When a partner is constantly cheating : If an intimate partner lies and cheats without even trying to change their behavior, it adds a toxic element to the relationship.
• When a person is abusive : When people repeatedly and intentionally hurt you, their behavior can be considered abusive. Whether they are constantly gossiping about you, or they are physically harming you in any way, abuse is never OK.

Toxic Relationships and Drug Addiction

A person who misuses alcohol or drugs may engage in toxic behaviors. Receiving treatment may help them improve their toxic traits; however, relationships that were damaged by their addiction may not be fully repaired.

If any of the above scenarios are true of your situation, you may want to re-evaluate the toxic relationships in your life.

Narcissists and Sociopaths

Some people, particularly narcissists and  sociopaths , tend to feed off of other people's attention and admiration. Narcissists feel a need to one-up people and make them feel "less-than" in a quest for superiority.

They may intentionally put you down in subtle ways or throw little insults at you if you share an accomplishment you are proud of. They also may keep you guessing as to whether or not they will be nice to you from one day to the next. Or, they may engage in  gaslighting  on a consistent basis.

Narcissists notoriously don't admit fault because they truly believe that they never make mistakes. In fact, they find it personally threatening to see themselves as less than perfect.

When dealing with toxic, narcissistic people , it's not always obvious whether they're aware of what they are doing. But if their behavior is consistently making you feel bad about yourself, you'll need to distance yourself from this person, or at least accept that you need to be on your guard if the person has to be in your life. 

This change in your behavior won't change them, but it can help minimize the stress of dealing with them. The important thing is that you protect yourself from the  emotional abuse  you receive when interacting with them:

• Remind yourself that you're not going to change them, and confronting them may only bring out more wrath without resolving anything.
• Put distance between yourself and them.
• Accept that you need to be on your guard if the person has to be in your life.

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If it's a co-worker and the problem is proximity, consider thinking of a good excuse to get your desk moved. For example: "I'm right under an air vent that's bothering me" or "I could get more work done if I wasn't right by the printer."

If the person seeks you out to complain, you might try referring them to a supervisor, and then calmly return to doing your work. You may have to repeat this numerous times before they get the hint.

Family and Friends

With family members and friends, it's likely to be more difficult, since there may be no easy way to remove the toxic person from your life.

If you have a seriously toxic friend , you may need to simply decrease the time you spend with them. If you're worried about offending them, cut back your visits over a period of months so it isn't quite as noticeable (though they may still notice).

When the toxic person is a family member or close friend, it may also be possible to encourage that person to get into therapy, which is often needed to solve the underlying issue behind the toxicity.

Effects of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships may be causing real damage to your self-esteem and your overall mental health as well as your physical health.

Constant drama in a relationship can distract us from the other relationships in our lives, leading to a sense of social isolation—which may cause other issues like depression or worsened sleep quality.

You may find that a toxic relationship impacts your ability to engage in self-care. You may sacrifice your normal routine—including personal hygiene, exercise, hobbies, and more—if you're constantly dealing with a tumultuous or toxic person or relationship. This sacrifice can lead to a decline in overall physical and mental health over time.

Toxic Relationships and Mental Health

One study found that toxic relationships can actually worsen anxiety and stress disorders. On the other hand, healthy relationships can actually improve these conditions.

In fact, a 2016 University of Michigan study found that "stress and [negative] relationship quality directly affect the cardiovascular system." In the long-term, all of these factors damage your health and may even lead you to develop unhealthy coping behaviors like drinking or  emotional eating .

Coping With Toxic Relationships

While not every toxic relationship can be avoided, especially among co-workers or a family member, they can be managed with healthy boundaries, self-care, and awareness.

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship where you bring out the worst in one another (or simply fail to bring out the best), you may want to work on the relationship and change the dynamic—particularly if there are other benefits to the relationship.

Assertive communication and healthier boundaries are often the keys to bringing out the best in one another—especially if you're both willing to make changes.

Here are a few more steps for coping with a toxic relationship:

• Talk to the other person about what you're witnessing. Be assertive about your needs and feelings while also taking responsibility for your part in the situation.
• Discuss what you see as a problem and decide together if you want to change the dynamic to ensure that both of you get your needs met.
• Re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself: Is this person causing real damage to my self-esteem and overall mental health?
• Limit the time you spend with people who bring frustration or unhappiness into your life. If this person is someone you need to interact with, like a family member or co-worker, you may need to limit interactions.
• If you decide to talk about your concerns, use  "I feel" statements  when describing your feelings and emotions. Doing so helps keep them from feeling defensive.
• Realize that some toxic people simply are unwilling to change—especially those who lack self-awareness or social skills.
• Try to non-confrontationally stand up for yourself when the situation warrants it.

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How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

If you've tried setting boundaries and the other person refuses to respect them, it may be time to end the relationship. Though it can be challenging to do so , remember that the most important thing is prioritizing yourself, your needs, and your health.

How you choose to end the relationship depends on your situation and how safe you feel. You could:

• Tell the person directly that you are choosing to end the relationship and list your reasons.
• Let the relationship fade away over time, slowly communicating with this person less and less.
• Discontinue communication immediately (particularly if a relationship is threatening your safety).

If you choose to communicate to the person directly, you can take accountability for your feelings and try to avoid blaming them or getting defensive. Ultimately, you can't control how they react, but you can try to use strategies to avoid escalating the discussion.

If you are leaving a romantic relationship, you may need to develop a support network in order to safely leave. For instance, if you are concerned about how the person will react, you may choose to speak with them in a public place. Let a trusted person know when this will take place and where you will be, so you can plan to meet up with them afterward.

You may need to stay with a family member or friend until you figure out a new living situation, away from your partner.

When dealing with any type of toxic relationship, it's important to focus on your health and well-being. Consequently, if you're dealing with someone who drains you of your energy and happiness, consider removing them from your life, or at least limiting your time spent with them. And, if you're experiencing emotional or physical abuse, get help right away.

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Santini ZI, Koyanagi A, Tyrovolas S, Haro JM. The association of relationship quality and social networks with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation among older married adults: Findings from a cross-sectional analysis of the Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing (TILDA) . J Affect Disord. 2015;179:134-41. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2015.03.015

Birditt KS, Newton NJ, Cranford JA, Ryan LH. Stress and negative relationship quality among older couples: Implications for blood pressure . J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci . 2016;71(5):775-85. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbv023

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Franke HA. Toxic stress: Effects, prevention and treatment . Children (Basel). 2014;1(3):390-402. doi:10.3390/children1030390

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

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What People Don't Know About Love After a Toxic Relationship

This is about one author's personal, anecdotal experience and should not substitute medical advice. If you're having health concerns of any kind, we urge you to speak to a healthcare professional.

After weeks of texting, video chatting, and playing virtual board games, Maxton knocked on my apartment door. It was April of 2020, and Chicago—and the rest of the country—was in full lockdown. Maybe it was irresponsible of us to meet in person; maybe we should have been content with our daily phone calls. But they say when you know, you know, and I was already certain Maxton was meant to be in my life.

We stayed outside, determined to be as Covid-compliant as possible. But by the end of the block, we were already kissing. Passing cars honked, either delighted or disgusted by our PDA. The sun was shining, the birds singing, and, for the first time, I was in the arms of the person I knew I’d be with forever.

And I felt… confused.

Unsplash / Design by Tiana Crispino

My last relationship was hell. After nearly a year of dating, I emerged from the breakup emotionally battered, bruised, and broken. In retrospect, it was doomed from the start. We didn’t want the same things. We had totally different expectations for the relationship—and for each other. We complained, cried, and capitulated instead of communicating, and nothing was ever resolved. Things were toxic with a capital T. We both needed to get out.

Still, when it was over, all the bad aspects of our relationship dissolved into smoke in my memory. For weeks and months after, I struggled to remember what exactly had been so bad. I doubted everything. Had I really cried that often? Had I really been that miserable? Had we really been that poorly matched? Worse still, I began to wonder if all our problems had one common denominator: me.

I went to therapy. Eventually, I went to the hospital, and even spent a month in residential mental health treatment. I was already prone to depression and anxiety, and the crumbling of my toxic relationship pushed me over the edge. My thoughts turned into obsession. Every second of every day was dedicated to ruminating about what had gone wrong, what I had done wrong, how I could have fixed things if just given the chance.

I did a lot of hard, painful work in therapy. When I got out of residential treatment, I began to lead something close to a normal life again. I hung out with people, went on dates, and began to rebuild my confidence and sense of self.

When I swiped right on Maxton, two full years had passed since the end of my toxic relationship. I was finally ready for a partnership that was loving, supportive, and peaceful.

So now that I had one, why did it feel so weird?

Unplash / Design by Tiana Crispino

My new partner wasn’t the issue. I knew that much right away. Maxton was everything I wanted: kind, funny, smart, handsome, empathetic, nerdy, and talented. We had similar interests, from the popular (like good food and scary movies) to the more esoteric (obscure musicals and Dungeons & Dragons). I enjoyed talking to him, and, as I more or less quarantined in his apartment, I loved spending time together. I knew we were in it for the long haul.

However, for the first month of our relationship, I was outwardly blissful—but panicked on the inside. I couldn’t even name the problem, because there wasn’t a problem. Still, I couldn’t shake a persistent sense of anxiety.

But why ? Maxton and I didn’t fight. We didn’t argue. When something came up, we talked about it and came to a conclusion or compromise. We both wanted the same things, both short-term and long-term, and looked forward to pursuing them together. We made each other laugh instead of cry. We were supportive of each other, excited for each other, and truly acted as partners.

After a lot of soul-searching, I came to a surprising conclusion: Everything was great, and, because of the trauma of my last relationship, that felt wrong.

I wasn’t used to this. If this relationship was smooth sailing, my last one had been a turbulent storm. All I had known was drama, panic, tears, and confusion.

And, for some reason, part of me still craved the chaos.

Thanks to a lot of therapy, I began to untangle the web of my discomfort. Part of the issue was that I was confusing drama for passion. For all its flaws, my last relationship had burned hot and heavy. The bad times were awful, but the good times—few as they were—were really good. When we inevitably fell into a rough patch, I convinced myself that the trauma and drama was just us caring passionately about each other. Sure, we fought all the time, and sure, we made each other cry, but only people who really loved each other could reach such extremes, right?

Because Maxton and I had such a peaceful relationship, I worried that we didn’t have “passion.” What I didn’t realize was that passion doesn’t equal chaos. The adrenaline spikes from arguing may feel intense, but the only fire they fuel is drama, not love. The passion I was really looking for comes from trust, affection, and attraction—all things Maxton and I already had.

I also began to realize that my last relationship had confirmed deep-seated fears about myself. I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem. When our relationship began to crumble, it felt like a reflection on my worth as a person. Because my opinion of myself was already low, I felt validated by my partner pulling away from me. No wonder they didn’t like me, I thought--I didn’t even like myself. Even though these thoughts were so negative, it felt weirdly comforting to be "proven right." My low self-esteem led to low standards, or comparison levels , and, after a while, my toxic relationship felt like exactly what I deserved.

Maxton made me feel different: cherished, valued, and, before long, truly loved. But my low self-esteem still whispered that maybe I didn’t deserve something this good. While I was truly happy with Maxton, I still had one foot in the past. Maybe this was too good. Maybe I needed to run.

The Happy Ending

But I didn’t.

It would have been so easy to slip back into old patterns. My ex wasn’t going to take me back, but I could have found another drama-filled relationship. I could have given up on happiness and gone back to what I knew, what felt comfortable, what I felt like I deserved. I could have surrendered.

Instead, with the help of my family, friends, doctors, and, of course, Maxton, I fought back. This was the best relationship I had ever had, and I wasn’t just going to let it go. I told myself that what I really deserved—what everyone deserves—is happiness, love, and peace. I told myself that I had innate worth. I knew, in the very core of my heart, that I wanted a drama-free, chaos-free, tension-free relationship. I wanted to be with Maxton.

So we moved across the country together, adopted a cat, and got engaged. A few days ago, we were married in a small, intimate, breathtakingly perfect ceremony. In front of our parents, and with his sister officiating, we declared that we would love each other forever. I didn’t feel anxious or confused, or questioned my decision at all. All I felt was happiness.

And I will never, ever doubt that this true, peaceful love is what everyone deserves to find.

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Toxic Love Relationships: How to Recognize & Escape Them

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Defining Such a Relationship

Toxic love, unhealthy relationship, toxic relationship, and bad relationship are all different names for the same thing as I see it. Therefore, I’ll really be talking about all of them in this article, but only from the point of view of a romantic love relationship.

Toxic love is a sickness in the hearts of the participants. It is a union of unhealthy and needy individuals. It is a parasite of the human spirit. It uses another person’s weakened spirit to survive. It is an emotional cancer that destroys the healthy parts of a person until there is nothing left except an empty shell– unless its progression is stopped!

A person in a toxic love relationship can fool themselves and their partner into believing that they are protectors, givers, nurturers, or enlighteners. The condition of the relationship is one of uncertainty, anger, neediness, insecurity, and suspicion.

Once a person is deeply involved in a toxic love affair, they gradually lose the ability to recognize behavior that is unhealthy and unacceptable. They eventually lose touch with the concept of a healthy relationship.

In these relationships, each partner’s central role is either as a parasite or as a victim. However, these roles can switch periodically if an emotionally charged situation arises like a bitter argument. When this happens, a repressed sick part of an individual can come shooting out like red-hot lava from an angry volcano!

The degree of sick behavior by either partner can vary. One of them may be sicker than the other. One or both of them may abuse their partner. They may abuse in different ways. Their abuse might be blatant or indiscernible. It might be unintentional or subconscious or both. Whatever the method of delivery it is equally damaging to the recipient. The sinister aspect of imperceptible abuse is that it’s difficult to identify and explain. This makes it hard to gain support from family and friends.

Any relationship that makes you feel bad is or has the capability of becoming a toxic love relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that one or both partners have to be psychologically ill for this to occur. Just being with a person who’s wrong for you can lead to a toxic love relationship.

Recognizing a Toxic Love Relationship

So how do you know when you’re in a toxic love relationship? During the early stages of these relationships, it’s hard to spot. If either partner has unhealthy tendencies, they usually repress them. As a person becomes more involved, especially if they are at a low point in their life, it progressively becomes more difficult to determine. This is particularly true if one or both partners are getting sicker as a result of their involvement in the toxic love affair.

One of the best ways to know if you are in a toxic love relationship is to look at how you feel. Since you have been together, do you feel better or worse about yourself and your life? When you spend time together, do you feel uplifted, relaxed, and confident or do you feel depressed, nervous, and unsure? When you’re apart, do you feel certain and at peace about your relationship or do you feel confused and anxious about it? If you feel like the second part of these comparative questions more often than not, you may be in a toxic love relationship.

Another, and perhaps more reliable, method for determining whether you are in a toxic love relationship is to tune in to what your intuition, or gut feelings, are telling you. (Intuition and gut feelings are different names for the same thing.)

Even if you grew up in a home with parents who had a sick relationship, you do know better. Certainly, you’ve known at least one couple who had a relationship that you could use as a healthy relationship model.

If you grew up with parents who fought a lot, as I did, there certainly is the inclination to fall into unhealthy relationships, but we have a choice. The best one we can make is to take 100% responsibility for our adult relationships. This means not blaming our parents or anyone else for the outcome of our relationship choices.

I have fallen into a number of toxic love relationships in my life, but I have also managed to have quite a few healthy ones as well. I can tell you one thing that I discovered from these highly contrasting experiences. There is absolutely no comparison in terms of joy, fulfillment, and productivity to when you are in a healthy relationship as opposed to a toxic one. It wasn’t until I was in an extremely healthy relationship that I understood the meaning of true love. The most profound aspect that I found, which amazed my friends, was a shift in my consciousness to being more concerned about her happiness than I was about my own. The more I gave without measure, the more I received. The point here is that one of the characteristics of a toxic love relationship is self-centeredness!

One of the most amazing things about being in a bad relationship, which I talk about in this article entitled, “ Breaking Up! How to Ride the Pain to Gain ,“ is how I felt about them once I broke free. It was almost impossible for me to figure out what I ever saw in them. While I was deeply entrenched in the turmoil of the relationship, I couldn’t see the futility of the situation. Nor could I clearly recall how I felt the last time I broke free from a similar involvement. Eventually, I did learn how to use these experiences to my advantage and I got over future breakups much easier and quicker.

Your intuition, or gut feelings, is the most reliable way for you to decide if you’re in a toxic love relationship, but you may not have access to this information right now for two reasons: (1) You have not developed the ability to tune in to and trust your intuition, or gut feelings. (2) The sickness of your relationship may have progressed to the point where you can no longer distinguish between healthy and unhealthy behavior.

If you have not developed the ability to tune in to and trust your intuition you can learn! Everybody has this capability. Have you ever had a strong feeling about a particular person or situation that turned out as you had thought? This is your intuition speaking to you. To learn more about intuition, read this article entitled, “Intuition – How to Access, Recognize, & Trust It.”

If the sickness of your relationship has progressed to the point where your mind has turned to mush, read this article entitled, “What is Love? Defined by What it Is and is Not!” It might give you clarity. It includes a list of what you will NOT feel, think, share, and experience when you’re “truly” in love. This list is a perfect description of a toxic love relationship.

Escaping a Toxic Love Relationship

So what do you do if you find yourself in a toxic love relationship? You need to find a way to separate yourself from the relationship immediately! If you cannot handle the thought of permanently ending your relationship right now, then propose to your partner with conviction that you take 30 to 90 days off under the conditions described below.

Both partners agree to…

• Reset the clock if either person violates these conditions for any reason.
• Meet in a neutral location (park, restaurant) at the end of 30 to 90 days.
• Write a letter to each other and present it during the meeting. (Optional)
• Honor the wishes of either partner who wants to end the relationship at the conclusion of the meeting without any argument or repercussions.

Agreeing to meet at the end of a 30 to 90 day period will provide the sense of security that you both might need at this point. Most importantly, it will give you the space and time you need to regain your personal power. It will also give your partner a cooling-off period.

There is one caveat to making this 30 to 90 day agreement. There’s a good chance that your feelings for one another will change or switch by the time you meet. For example, you may have initiated the separation but later you decide that you want to give the relationship one more try. At the time of your separation, your partner may have begged you to stay together. But when they arrive at your meeting they want to end your relationship permanently. The only thing you need to do is prepare yourself for any outcome and not have any expectations.

If you are not sure whether you should leave your partner, consider these things. In your current state, you have nothing positive to give to this or any other relationship. The same is true of your partner.

The best thing to do for yourself, and your partner, is to break away from the relationship completely or at least in the manner described above. Your goal is to put some time and physical distance between you and the relationship. This will give you the opportunity to regain your emotional equilibrium. Once you’re away from the stress and sickness of the relationship for a while you’ll begin to see it for what it truly is: toxic love, perhaps? The only person on earth who can truly decide is you!

If you feel your relationship may be salvageable, you might consider reading this article entitled, “Couples Communication without Confrontation!” Completion of the communication exercise described in the article may give you the starting point you need.

If you feel that your relationship is not worth any further investment, then I would encourage you to look at this transition as an opportunity for personal growth ! To support your efforts, read as much information as you can on topics related to your needs and goals. There are many good books on the recommended books list that you might consider.

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Young People’s Voices and Science for Overcoming Toxic Relationships Represented in Sex Education

Beatriz villarejo-carballido.

1 Department of Journalism and Communication Studies, Autonomous University of Barcelona, 08193 Bellaterra, Spain; [email protected] (B.V.-C.); [email protected] (C.M.P.)

Cristina M. Pulido

Harkaitz zubiri-esnaola.

2 Department of Language and Literature Didactics, University of the Basque Country UPV/EHU, 20018 San Sebastian, Spain; [email protected]

Esther Oliver

3 Department of Sociology, University of Barcelona, 08034 Barcelona, Spain

Associated Data

The data presented in this article are available under request to the corresponding author. However, the data are not publicly available due to ethical requirements of privacy and protection of the anonymity of the participants.

The scientific literature has presented evidence of how fiction series impact the socialisation of young people’s relationships. However, there is a gap in the evidence on how dialogic interactions overcome the negative impact of the fiction series on the socialisation of toxic relationships. This research analyses dialogic interactions based on scientific evidence related to toxic relationships that contribute to overcoming this type of relationship. First, we developed a communicative content analysis of eight episodes of one of the most-watched fiction series by young people, Sex Education . After that, we conducted four communicative interviews with the young audience to collect their voices about the impact of these toxic relationships represented in this fiction series in their daily conversations. The results indicate that in such cases, there is a need to promote dialogic interactions about this fiction series, focusing the dialogue on which type of masculinity develops a toxic relationship and which, on the contrary, promotes healthy relationships.

1. Introduction

Since the mid-twentieth century, several types of research have shown how audiovisual products can generate effects on the audience and their own vision of reality, especially on the youngest [ 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 ]. One of these is the research Cultural Indicators [ 5 ], which measured violence on television and its effects on society. More than 4000 scenes from different programmes and measurements of violent scenes were used as the sample. The research team found that people who are more exposed to the screen are more influenced by media content than those who are not, which they termed “mainstreaming” [ 5 ]. They further stated that if the person’s lived experiences are in line with what is broadcast, this influences the viewer twice as much, resulting in an increase in the degree of cultivation [ 5 ].

Today more than twice as many young people watch videos on a daily basis [ 6 ], making them the main consumers of audiovisual products. The emergence of digital platforms has changed young people’s viewing habits; they decide what to watch and when [ 7 , 8 ]. Young people watch television series through these platforms, which provide the young person with the entertainment function, the informative function, and various social functions [ 9 ]. In relation to the way young people consume these products, several studies show that the contents of the series consumed by boys and girls are different. While girls are more likely to prefer to watch more romance and drama, boys prefer to watch action and humour [ 10 , 11 ] and, as mentioned earlier, the content consumed influences the viewer.

1.1. Impact of Fiction Series on the Socialisation of Young People’s Affective-Sexual Relationships

In fiction series, there is a proliferation of images and language related to the characters. Many of these can provoke emotions and influence the values and behaviours of the audience [ 12 , 13 , 14 ].

Thus, it is found that youth series aimed at a young audience have significant value, both for television production and the reception of the audience, who are at a time of identity construction [ 15 ]. Ward and Rivadeneyra [ 16 ], who examined 314 young students, found a correlation between the amount of audiovisuals viewed and participants’ sexual attitudes, expectations, and behaviours.

The audiovisual narrative is the backbone of the story, which changes according to the audiovisual genre and the target audience niche [ 17 ]. Love relationships are one of the most common themes in audiovisual storytelling, mainly because they reign in the world of dreams and the desires of the audience [ 18 ]. Wexman [ 19 ] points out that the power of the discourse produced through the representation of love relationships impacts romance styles in society. Ward [ 20 ], who researched 259 young people, stated that there was a correlation between what they consumed and their sexual attitudes and assumptions.

Sexuality is another key theme in youth series, as it is key in the transition from childhood to adulthood. Sexuality is represented today with more characters of different sexual orientations and genders than in the previous era. [ 21 ]. An example appears in the series for teenagers Sex Education , which, according to Marchini [ 22 ], represents a sexuality that has been silenced until now by moral and religious dogmas. Dudek, Woode, and Green [ 23 ], who also analysed the ways in which young people are represented as producers and consumers of pornographic/erotic narratives in this same series, found that this content can provide sexual information and knowledge.

Affective-sexual relationships in fictional series are often associated with conflicts [ 15 ], which can take various forms of physical and/or psychological violence. Berridge [ 24 ], who explored narratives of sexual violence in U.S. programmes between 1990 and 2008, found that many depictions of sexual violence appear within the sexual culture.

Bleakley, Jamieson, and Romer [ 25 ] analysed the highest-grossing films between 1950 and 2006, a total of 855 products. The results were that male characters are more likely to be portrayed as violent, while female characters are more likely to participate in and be depicted in sexually explicit scenes. The authors concluded that violence and explicit sex has increased in both male and female characters. Several fiction series have appeared depicting violence in affective-sexual relationships, such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003), where sexual and mutant relationships abound, where hatred becomes love and violence becomes erotic entanglements [ 26 ]; Los Protegidos (2010–2012), where one of the affective-sexual relationships between two adolescents is linked to abuse [ 27 ]; Breaking Bad (2008–2013), in which the relationship between Walter White, the protagonist of the series, includes the protagonist trying to isolate, degrade, exploit, frighten and control his wife Skyler. These tactics are well documented in studies focused on abuse. Thus, the author points out that the lack of emphasis on instances of coercive control by writers and directors makes her partly responsible for contributing to a culture of misogyny. Moreover, accusations of victim-blaming by fans of the series towards Skyler are evident in numerous online blogs, fan forums, and social media platforms [ 28 ]. In the same vein, Iftene [ 29 ], in his study on the series American Horror Story (2011–2021) found that in 2011, the producers added familiar horror film subgenres to the rewrite, using genre strategies in five seasons. Producers made aggressive use of para-cinematic techniques to construct a cult product out of hyper-sexualized horror imagery and narratives.

Therefore, these fiction series that relate affective-sexual relationships with violence can cultivate in viewers an understanding and tolerance of violence in such relationships.

1.2. Toxic and Health Relationships

In addition to the influence that media content generates in the audience, it should be considered as well that affective-sexual relationships have a direct impact on people’s health, both emotionally and physically. Depending on the type of affective-sexual relationship that is established, it can have a positive or negative impact on health.

Domination and discrimination are two components that indicate the poor quality of a relationship, which is called a toxic relationship [ 30 ] and produced in heterosexual and/or homosexual relationships [ 31 , 32 , 33 ]. These elements of power and dominance appear in Dominant Traditional Masculinity (DTM) [ 34 , 35 ], masculinity that can be socialised to suppress emotions in order to maintain dominance of women [ 36 ]. Likewise, Connell [ 37 ] notes that these types of masculinity are always violent.

In contrast, healthy relationships experience a higher level of relational satisfaction and positive affect [ 38 ]. These types of relationships are fostered by men who belong to the model called the New Alternative Masculinity (NAM), that combines good values and attraction [ 34 ]. For this reason, they seek affective-sexual relationships based on desire and love, thus distancing themselves from people with non-egalitarian and/or violent values. This type of masculinity is characterised by self-confidence, bravery, and courage [ 34 ]. Furthermore, this masculinity shows rejection of negative attitudes such as sexism, racism, and double standards [ 39 , 40 ]. Therefore, this masculinity publicly rejects non-egalitarian attitudes.

These influences on health, in addition to the emotional, can have physical effects. Recent research by Chuang [ 41 ] found that romantic relationships are associated with increased gut microbiota diversity and other health benefits. However, when these romantic relationships go through “heartbreak” or “post-relationship grief”, universal life stress occurs that affects the microbiota. Other research highlights that poor-quality affective-sexual relationships can lead to depression [ 42 ], anxiety [ 43 ], fear [ 44 ], anguish [ 45 ], memory disturbances [ 46 ], emotional disorders [ 47 ], environmentally-sensitive physiological impairment (e.g., of central nervous, endocrine, and immune systems) [ 48 ], different somatic symptoms [ 49 ], and even an increase in the tendency to commit suicide in some people [ 50 ]. In addition, there is increased dissatisfaction with the relationship [ 51 ].

1.3. Science-Based Dialogic Interaction about Health in Relationships

Sociological studies show how a dialogical turn has taken place throughout society in recent decades [ 52 ], which affects human relationships. This dialogue is key to fostering societal transformation [ 53 ].

This dialogue can also contribute to changes in and improvement of affective-sexual desires and attraction. This is demonstrated by two studies related to socialization in affective-sexual relationships. The first study deals with the social impact on psychology in the field of gender violence in adolescence. Conducted by Racionero and other authors [ 54 ], a change was observed in the behaviour of girls who decided to talk about health and toxic relationships. They conducted seven interventions with 15–16-year-old girls in the framework of the research programme on preventive socialisation of gender violence. Specifically, spaces for dialogue were established between the research team and the research participants to support the free reconstruction of mental and affective models of attraction through critical analysis of the dominant coercive discourse. Thus, the young women were able to better understand their own and others’ affective-sexual thinking, emotions, and behaviours in favour of the rejection of violence and the dialogue supported the modification of adolescent girls’ sexual preferences for different types of men. At the end of the research, they observed that some participants used the knowledge gained in the project to help their friends and communities reflect on patterns of coercive sexual attraction, the quality of their intimate relationships, and the different effects of sexual violence and toxic relationships on health. In addition, some of the girls decided to end their toxic relationships after the interventions.

The second study refers to the MEMO4LOVE research, through the publication from Padrós-Cuxart, Molina-Roldán, Gismero, and Tellado [ 46 ]. They conducted a questionnaire ( n = 141) to find adolescents’ peer interactions that promote healthy or toxic affective-sexual relationships and conducted five communicative focus groups with boys and girls. They found that the impact of sharing evidence of the adverse effects of toxic relationships with violent masculinities on health with adolescents produced a transformation of the peer group. In particular, non-violent boys gained self-confidence and girls reoriented or reinforced their attraction to non-violent boys.

Therefore, dialogue spaces that deal with love or affective-sexual relationships can generate a change in choices and tastes that can enhance toxicity-free relationships. Despite all the scientific contributions made to date, it is still unknown how science-based dialogic interactions overcome the negative impact of fiction series on the socialisation of toxic relationships. The question that this research seeks to clarify is whether the interactions with young consumers of this audiovisual content, through the use of scientific evidence in the discussion, can help them to avoid the mental and physical health effects caused by toxic relationships. Knowing whether this type of interaction produces a change in young people will help to eradicate toxic relationships and avoid the health problems caused. To do this, we used for our research the series Sex Education , one of the most-watched series of adolescents today. In order to identify how dialogic interactions on fiction series help to identify toxic relationships that cause health consequences, we started with analysis of one of the stories represented in Sex Education , where the boy identified as having Dominant Traditional Masculinity treats badly both a girl and a boy with whom he has or has had affective-sexual relationships and the consequences of them on health of both the girl and the boy.

2. Materials and Methods

Communicative Methodology [ 55 , 56 ] has been applied in this research, as it includes the voices of the people investigated throughout the process on topics such as communication and health, with the aim of fostering a transformative impact on the research subjects themselves [ 57 ].

We started by watching seasons 1, 2, and 3 of the series Sex Education in order to know the characters and their relationships, then we started the review by carrying out a communicative content analysis of the first season of the fictional series Sex Education , broadcast by Netflix. Subsequently, communicative focus groups with a communicative orientation were conducted with young girls and boys in relation to two toxic relationships that appear in the eight episodes of the series. Figure 1 shows the data collection process established for this research.

Flowchart of the Data Collection and Analysis process.

2.1. Communicative Content Analysis Data Collection

For this study, we first conducted a communicative content analysis [ 58 ] of the first eight episodes of the series. To analyse them, the research team previously watched the three seasons of the fiction series (24 episodes) in order to find out about the affective-sexual relationships that appear throughout the series. Once the affective-sexual relationships were identified, we proceeded to analyze the male characters who meet the characteristics of traditional masculinity, that is, who inflict physical, mental, or sexual harm or suffering, threats to commit such acts, coercion, and other forms of deprivation of liberty on the person with whom he establishes the affective-sexual relationship. In this case, the character of Adam, who assaults and intimidates other people and has very few academic prospects, represents toxic masculinity. Adam is a character who, in the second season, thinks he may be bisexual and has two affective-sexual relationships. The first relationship is heterosexual, with Aimee, a popular high school girl. The second relationship is a homosexual relationship with Eric, a boy who openly says he is homosexual and who is harassed by Adam.

2.2. Analysis of Sex Education

The chapters were analyzed in November 2021 with the MAXQDA program, specifically the scenes where the two affective-sexual relationships established by the three characters mentioned in the previous point were visualised or discussed. A researcher, who was trained in this type of analysis, made three visualisations for each of the chapters and categorised those scenes that produced consequences on health (see Table 1 ). The subcategories were Mental Health and Physical Health. This category and subcategory were previously subtracted from the scientific literature. Once analysed, they were supervised by another member of the research team and discussed with the research team. As a result of the dialogue between the researchers, the final content analysis was confirmed and the first results were obtained.

Category and subcategories of Communicative Content Analysis.

2.3. Communicative Interview Data Collection

Immediately after obtaining the results of the Communicative Content Analysis, we selected two girls and two boys aged 16–24 who consume series on the online platform to whom we asked questions such as “Do you think that the health consequences of being with a partner who is a Dominant Traditional Masculinity are adequately reflected in fiction series?” In addition, four Communicative Interviews were conducted to see what discourse they had about the health consequences of toxic relationships. Table 2 shows the profiles of the interviewees through the Communicative Interview.

Profiles of the interviewees through the Communicative Interviews.

The young people and the parents of the minor were previously informed and signed or orally reported ethical consent, which was previously passed by the Ethics Commission of the CREA (Community of Research on Excellent for All) and obtained the reference number 20211228. In this way, this research adheres to international ethical standards related to data collection. The data from the Communicative Interviews were appropriately coded and anonymised.

In these interviews, a researcher discussed with the young people the results obtained from the scientific literature and the content analysis in this study. Based on this information, the interviewees watched two videos with scenes from the first season of the series, specifically the relationship between Adam and Aimee first and between Adam and Eric second. Interviewees reflected on the two relationships and their impact on health. The interviews were recorded and a verbatim transcript of the young people’s contributions was made.

2.4. Communicative Interviews Analysis

The Communicative Interviews were then analysed in the previously mentioned research programme. In this case, the categories have emerged from the theoretical contributions made with the object of study and have included the interpretation orientation of the analysis of the applied methodology [ 55 ]. Therefore, the analysis of the contributions of the young people interviewed focused on the following: on one hand, on the verbal language that does not relate DTM to negative health consequences, referred to as exclusion, and on the other hand, on the verbal language that identifies the relationship displaying DTM with negative health consequences or healthy relationships with positive health consequences, referred to as transformative (see Table 3 ).

Categories of Communicative Interviews.

The dialogic interactions with scientific contributions and the experiences lived by the group of young people have favoured the contribution to overcoming and detecting toxic affective-sexual relationships that cause negative effects on health.

The results obtained by each of the research tools are shown below.

3.1. Results of the Content Analysis

In the first season of the fiction series, there are 28 scenes in which the health consequences of having a toxic affective-sexual relationship displaying traditional dominant masculinity appear. Of these scenes, 21 are linked to Adam’s relationship with Eric, while seven are related to Adam’s relationship with Aimee (see Figure 2 ).

Results concerning the affective-sexual relationships analysed.

Adam’s affective-sexual relationship with Aimee is a stable relationship, but lasts exactly until the second episode of the season. However, after ending their relationship, Adam starts beating the boys who are related to Aimee. First, in the second episode, he beats up a guy she was flirting with at a party. Then, in the seventh episode, he hits Aimee’s then-boyfriend. The relationship is not a healthy one. Specifically, Aimee appears in seven scenes where we see the negative consequences for her mental health. The protagonist has sexual insecurities, feels uncomfortable with Adam’s insistence on wanting to be invited to the party she organises, and suffers stress and anxiety when she learns that her ex-boyfriend violently entered her house without her consent and when he starts hitting the boys with whom Aimee has some kind of affective-sexual relationship. Thus, although the protagonist of this relationship has not suffered physical violence, the two boys with whom she had some kind of affective-sexual relationship have suffered it.

Adam’s affective-sexual relationship with Eric is a toxic relationship from the first chapter to the last episode analysed (see Figure 3 ). Eric is a victim of harassment by Adam, both mental and physical. This relationship causes the victim to live in situations of continuous violence, specifically in 21 scenes in which the consequences on health are seen, 21 to mental health, among which there are four scenes in which there are also consequences on physical health.

Main results on the negative health consequences of Adam and Eric’s affective-sexual relationships.

The scenes where the victim is seen to have mental health effects are related to feelings of sadness or discouragement, confused thoughts about Adam’s behaviours, excessive worries or fears about any event that links the two of them, and occasional excessive anger with the people around them. His mental situation sometimes pushes him to the edge, especially when problems with his best friend or issues of his sexual identity get mixed up. Within the scenes of consequences experienced by the protagonist of this relationship, the mental and physical consequences are mixed in four scenes. Situations of physical violence are related to physical health effects such as battering and also to the mental health consequences discussed earlier in this paragraph. It should be noted that one of the most violent scenes, both physically and mentally, ended with a sexual intercourse in which the victim felt pleasure.

3.2. Transformation through Science-Based Dialogic Interaction

The interviewees state that they do not usually talk about the affective-sexual relationships depicted in the series with their friends. However, they may do so at some point with a close relative. However, they point out that it is not an act that is carried out frequently, and if it is, it is not with scientific information about affective-sexual relationships and the effects on health.

Two of the people interviewed who had followed the series said that the first time they watched the series, they liked it, mainly because it talked about sexual topics that are taboo, such as sexual practices or diseases.

“The first season, I liked it a lot because it began to bring to light the whole issue of problems that can occur when having sex or diseases or how to remove the taboo a little bit” (Maria).

However, when asked if they knew about toxic relationships, they only remembered Adam and Eric’s relationship. According to them, the character could generate this aggressiveness because he could have problems recognising himself as homosexual because he had a traditional father or because society has made him aggressive. At the beginning of the interview, one of the girls interviewed pointed out that society is responsible for this aggressiveness for not letting him be the way he is, homosexual. “I think he is aggressive because of what society has done to Adam, for not letting him be the way he is” (Maria).

The young people have become more aware of toxic relationships and their effects on health after learning about the scientific information provided during the interview, especially when identifying Adam’s DTM, the health effects of aggressive masculinity, the socialisation capacity of the series in young people, and the existence of this type of relationship in their environment.

After watching the two videos of the two affective-sexual relationships analysed, all four young people detected Adam’s DTM, mainly because of his aggressiveness against the boys with whom Aimee and Eric have relationships. One of the boys interviewed identifies the character’s DTM and further adds that the aggressiveness is Adam’s own fault for being jealous. “Adam is a traditional dominant masculinity. Neither Aimee nor Eric is to blame, it is Adam’s own fault because he is jealous” (Jon). All four interviewees identified this type of masculinity in actual cases that they know of in real relationships in their environments, be those of family, friends, or acquaintances. One of the girls mentioned how she knows of close relationships which are toxic in which the partner is controlled or ordered not to talk to the opposite sex. “Yes, I have heard in relatives of mine where they tell their partners that as long as we are together, don’t talk to the opposite sex” (Nancy).

The young people interviewed identified the health consequences of being in a relationship with Adam. One of the boys pointed out health problems seen in the case of Aimee and Eric and pointed out that they were getting worse and worse. “Eric’s health is getting worse and worse. You can also see it in the other girl” (Jon). This identification allowed them to analyse the relationships they know in real life. Remarkably, one of the boys interviewed explained how he has friends who have told him that having relationships like this makes them tired, disconcerted, and sick. “I have had people who over time it has affected them physically. They are more tired, or they don’t know what to do and of course, in the end, it affects you everywhere. There are people who get sick”. (Abraham).

At the same time, the young people interviewed talked about how watching these series can further socialise violence in relationships, whether heterosexual or homosexual. One of the girls interviewed pointed out that these chapters of violence are given in the series as something normal, and the audience doesn’t realise it. “It is presented as something very normal, very good, nothing happens, but if you analyse it a little, it is very hard” (Maria). That is why they pointed out that audiovisual professionals should make these relationships not normal and not present them as “cool”. One of the boys pointed out that audiovisual productions should not add attractiveness or show normalisation of toxic relationships. “To begin with, the series should not show that these relationships are cool or normal, especially because not all of them are like that” (Abraham).

These dialogical interactions with scientists and young people have helped them to more easily identify violent relationships and their effects on health. Therefore, they point out that it is important to talk about these issues, but on a scientific basis. One of the interviewees mentioned that these issues should be discussed with professionals or have a scientific basis. “I think these issues should be discussed with a professional or scientist” (Jon).

4. Discussion

The evidence-based dialogical interactions with the young people interviewed have contributed to reflection and dialogue about toxic relationships and their effects on health. This dialogue based on scientific evidence has provided tools to analyse and identify this problem that appears both in the series and in real life. This corroborates that dialogue about healthy and toxic relationships can promote change and improvement in young people towards healthy relationships [ 35 , 54 ].

Science-based dialogues allow for the expansion of knowledge that they did not previously have about toxic relationships and their effects on health, which is not accomplished through other types of interactions, so bringing science to citizens can provide greater critical capacity and media literacy because it is not just about having interactions, but about having quality interactions based on science.

Serials have an impact on the socialisation of young people [ 15 ], especially on sexual behaviours [ 16 ]. Sex Education , while providing information on sexual practice or technique [ 23 ], does not discuss with whom to have healthy and violent-free relationships nor does it discuss or condemn Adam’s aggressive behaviour, which can socialise young people into gender-based violence. So although the series wants to break sexual taboos, it continues to reproduce the same behaviours, attraction, and violence in affective-sexual relationships as other series [ 26 , 27 , 28 ].

Young people who interact with scientists on the subject of contact with science in sexual and emotional relationships and health issues can provide young people with a tool that allows them to analyse and identify DTM [ 34 , 40 ] and so allows them to differentiate unhealthy relationships from healthy ones. This is an identification that, in addition to applying to relationships in fiction, can also be applied in real life, as the young people interviewed in this research have.

Therefore, fostering science-based dialogical interactions among young people and the communicative analysis of audiovisual products favours the critical capacity of boys and girls regarding the affective-sexual relationships they have and those of people around them. Talking about and seeing through series such as Sex Education the physical and mental health problems generated by toxic relationships provokes rejection in all young people. Therefore, the promotion of spaces between science and young people can favour the prevention of illnesses, as well as gender violence.

This research advances the knowledge between affective-sexual relationships and health in audiovisual products. At the same time, it helps young people to transform their relationships and those around them. However, it would be necessary to go further in future research with more young people and analyse the impact on socialisation in affective-sexual relationships of series that promote healthy relationships with NAM men and their effects on health.

5. Conclusions

Science-based dialogic interactions with young people about relationships and health facilitate the identification of DTM, toxic relationships, and their effects on health, n identification that can contribute to overcoming toxic relationships, and thus violence in relationships.

Therefore, it would be advisable for these dialogical interactions between young people and science on love and health to be promoted in those spaces where young people spend most of their time, such as educational centres. It is also observed that audiovisual productions such as fiction series should promote these spaces for reflection in order to provoke the audience’s thinking and critical capacity.

Author Contributions

Conceptualization, E.O. and C.M.P.; methodology, C.M.P.; formal analysis, B.V.-C.; writing—original draft preparation, B.V.-C.; data curation; B.V.-C.; review and editing, C.M.P. and H.Z.-E.; funding acquisition, E.O. All authors have read and agreed to the published version of the manuscript.

This research received no external funding.

Institutional Review Board Statement

The study was conducted according to the guidelines of the Declaration of Helsinki and approved by the Ethical Board of the Community of Researchers on Excellence for All with the reference number 20211228.

Informed Consent Statement

Informed consent was obtained from all subjects involved in the study.

Data Availability Statement

Conflicts of interest.

The authors declare no conflict of interest.

Publisher’s Note: MDPI stays neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

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Breaking Free from Toxic Love: MADlines' Story

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Editor’s Note: MADlines , aka Maddy Clifford, is an Oakland rapper, poet and activist, as well as an educator in the juvenile justice system. In this personal essay, she delves into her journey of learning to love herself after leaving a toxic relationship.

I have a confession to make. I’m not over it. I haven’t healed from the trauma I survived, and I haven’t fully convinced myself that I’m lovable. That realization is painful, but avoiding it would only make me susceptible to repeating my mistakes.

A story can set you free or keep you confined. The stories we learn about love, about what we deserve, speak volumes. Even as a feminist, I have internalized harmful stories about love. These concepts came at me as a child within my own home. They bombarded me at school and as I walked through the world. I was stalked by societal expectations, harassed by desire even before I grew into my adolescent body.

I was taught that it isn’t normal to be alone. “Why is a beautiful girl like you still single?” men would ask. I was taught that it is my duty to sacrifice my wellbeing for others. I was taught that it’s normal for relationships to be tiring sites where, as a woman—and, therefore, a nurturer—my job is to act as an unpaid therapist. I was taught that it’s selfish for me to demand respect, to set firm boundaries, to enjoy being in solitude.

I knew that these stories were problematic in theory, but I still fell in line. But perhaps one of the most dangerous stories I was ever taught is that physical abuse is the only abuse that matters. Trust me, it isn’t.

Breaking the Curse of a Toxic Attachment

Over a year ago, I ended a four-year relationship. I loved this person profoundly and thought that we could remain cordial. What I’d hoped would be a normal separation morphed into an unnecessarily agonizing upheaval that impacted my sense of self-worth. Every breakup is hard, but this one changed my life. I had to come face to face with the hard truth: it had never been a normal relationship to begin with.

Healing from emotional abuse is particularly challenging because there are no visible scars. Instead, there’s a voice inside your head constantly criticizing you and causing you to question your intuition. There’s a lack of focus, a fatigue like no other. There’s this horrifying realization that a person’s callous responses to how they are impacting you is a reflection of how they’ve always been. I used to believe my ex was just brutally honest. I now know that he used manipulation, sabotage and isolation tactics to break my spirit and feed his fragile ego.

Gaslighting is the process of “undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings,” writes Yale psychoanalyst Robin Stern in a Vox article explaining the phenomenon. To the outside world, perpetrators may appear to be reflective, but within intimate relationships they can be persistently harmful.

Gaslighting causes victims to be “manipulated into turning against their own cognition, their emotions and who they fundamentally are as people,” writes Stern. Gaslighting can lead to severe depression, health concerns and even suicidal thoughts. To add insult to injury, men have a whole library full of stories to deny women’s pain. When they paint their ex as “crazy,” a chorus of enablers nods in agreement. Nobody talks about the psychological torture that drives a woman to her breaking point.

My initial fight or flight response to being bullied was just that—to fight. I’ve since let go of that debilitating experience. I cut off all contact with my ex. I removed the people from my life who were not rooting for me, who were determined to discredit my experience. I cultivated friendships with folks that share my core values. I stopped blaming myself, stopped telling myself that the longest relationship of my life had been an epic failure. Instead, I realized it was a curse that only I could break. I focused on learning to prioritize my wellbeing and trust my intuition.

I realized that I will never receive closure from others. Instead, I decided to seek it in myself. Instead of continuing to spiral, I chose to face my pain head on. I chose to heal through my creativity.

A Healthy Love Starts with Yourself

What the formerly incarcerated say is that, at first, freedom can seem scarier than a cell. Suddenly, the wind hits your face. Suddenly, all the mechanisms you used to conceal the truth from yourself melt away. Even trauma can have a kind of pattern to it, a consistency. The shock of breaking a harmful pattern is intense.

I went through long periods of time when I was so enraged I couldn’t see straight. But anger usually masks grief. A traumatic breakup that altered my reality became a beautiful opportunity to see the self-fulfilling prophecies I needed to break. I used to think that my love was so powerful that it could heal anyone. But this line of reasoning is dangerous.

One of the things they teach you in lifeguard training is how to approach a drowning person. People that can’t swim are fighting a losing battle with the water. They swallow buckets of it. They panic and flail, grasping at anything to keep them afloat. If you try to save them by approaching from the front they will grab you and take you down with them. Loving someone who has intense trauma and refuses to do the real work of healing from it often results in sacrificing your own peace and ability to grow. And the irony is that water is life. We all naturally float.

My self-love journey hasn’t ended. It will last a lifetime. But I know that courage is my compass. My self-preservation is a revolutionary act. In order to truly change, I began writing regularly. I started taking therapy seriously. I took up boxing, channeling my anger for self-defense. I turned to tarot to strengthen my intuition. I interpreted my dreams. I began meditating.

People noticed my aura became brighter. Although this drew new lovers to me, I didn’t start a new long-term relationship. Instead, I prioritized loving myself.

Self-love is more than spa days and weekend getaways: self-love is strenuous. Self-love can feel like a kind of death. What’s dying is a harmful story. What’s being born is an entirely new you.

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How Toxic Positivity Made It Harder for Me to Leave an Abusive Relationship

In this personal essay, one writer explores how excessively positive thinking can be unhelpful, and even dangerous, for some domestic violence survivors.

Many years ago, my partner made me believe I was defective for struggling to see the bright side of things. In an attempt to save our relationship, I found myself taking on an excessively optimistic perspective, which I’ve since discovered is known as “toxic positivity.” At the time, I had no idea how much danger it would put me in.

When we first met, I learned that both of us had been raised in strict, patriarchal communities. We’d both rebelled against the norm and subsequently found our own unique versions of spirituality in our 20s. I was an atheist into mindfulness meditation and Buddhist philosophy, which I’d discovered in college while battling treatment-resistant depression and severe anxiety. The central tenet of Buddhism — life is suffering — rang true to me. I also liked the idea that we were all interconnected in this suffering. This spoke to the urge I had to commit my life to fighting for social justice.

.css-1n3l8cl{font-family:GTWalsheim,GTWalsheim-weightbold-roboto,GTWalsheim-weightbold-local,Helvetica,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;font-weight:bold;line-height:1.2;margin:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-1n3l8cl{font-size:1.75rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-1n3l8cl{font-size:1.875rem;line-height:1.2;}}.css-1n3l8cl b,.css-1n3l8cl strong{font-family:inherit;font-weight:bold;}.css-1n3l8cl em,.css-1n3l8cl i{font-style:italic;font-family:inherit;} Having grown up in a place where I didn’t accept the dominant religion, I understood the dark side of belief systems.

My new boyfriend, on the other hand, was a firm believer in a pseudoscience of sorts known as the law of attraction. We’d only been dating a few weeks or so when he first introduced me to it. One evening, he switched from playing my selection of music on my laptop — an old Modest Mouse album — to a strange lecture coming from a creepy woman’s voice. He told me he knew this sounded weird, but Esther Hicks was considered a “channeler” for “Abraham,” a group of non-physical entities that spoke through her about how to manifest health, wealth, and happiness.

I felt my heart pounding and wanted to disappear. I’d grown up pretending to be Catholic in the buckle of the Bible Belt in order to ward off Southern Baptists and evangelists who wanted to “save” people like me. So many people — including some of my own family members — had insisted for years that someday I’d “come back” to the church (as if I’d ever wanted to be there). Now the guy I was falling in love with was revealing to me that he believed in what sounded like a cult — and he just assumed I wanted to hear about it.

I firmly told him that I wasn’t interested in this. I said I respected other people’s beliefs — including his — but I didn’t like having them sprung on me like that. He apologized and said he understood. After a while, I gently switched us back to Modest Mouse and the subject fell away.

Our first few dates had been so amazing. We’d exchanged our life histories and dreams, stayed up until dawn talking. I’d already told my mom and my best friend I thought he could be the one. But the closer we got, the more our worldviews clashed.

As I researched it more, I learned that the law of attraction wasn’t just some fringe belief. Oprah had popularized it by spotlighting the self-help book The Secret on her show. And a slew of celebrities seemed to endorse it or at least used the lingo. As my boyfriend explained it to me, you get what you think , so think positively and flourish, or think negatively and get the dreary existence you manifested for yourself. To me, this sounded like an oversimplified version of existentialism: Create your own destiny! But I didn’t like that it seemed to ignore the many outside factors that could block you from succeeding no matter your thoughts: poverty, illness, oppression, inequity.

The cynical side of me saw “manifesting” as an excuse for people to believe they deserved the good things that happened to them. It sounded like one of the many iterations of the same old rugged individuality, prosperity gospel, and meritocracy so many Americans were into.

Having grown up in a place where I didn’t accept the dominant religion, I understood the dark side of belief systems. After studying philosophy and religion in college, though, I also loved the fertile ground they provided for storytelling, meaning-making, community building, and explorations of intense questions and quandaries.

As I fell in love with this person and we began to plan our lives around each other, I felt the need to come to terms with his beliefs — even if I’d never share them. But I couldn’t help but worry he’d been taken by what could be a hurtful or at the very least misleading philosophy. He thought I needed to change my thinking.

When I got into a graduate program in creative writing, he decided to move to a new city with me. We were struggling to get along, but I loved him. And part of me genuinely admired his positivity and seeking soul — he truly believed each of us had endless possibilities ahead of us. We just had to attract them with the right energy.

As my mom had always told me, I’d find God when I was desperate enough, when I really needed Him, when I was down on my knees. That happened after our move. A few weeks in, our fights over what I wore to work, my partner’s paranoia and jealousy over other men (colleagues, would-be friends, even strangers on the street), and just about anything collided into my worries about what the neighbors could hear — I’d even rush to the car when he started yelling to try to contain his screaming inside. Still, I had a relentless need to figure out how to help him.

Soon, however, my partner began to turn his worldview against me. When I found out he’d cheated on me, he didn’t take responsibility for his actions. Instead, he pointed out that I’d chosen to take a trip with my father and abandoned him. It was my fault he’d strayed. I’d made it happen. When I complained about struggling to pay the bills or affording groceries on my small stipend from my scholarship, he insinuated that I could buy whatever I wanted, even a new car, if I just got more credit cards. I was supposed to have faith that someday I could pay off my debt, that the universe would show up for me with thousands of dollars and a book deal, and it was my lack of belief in myself that was holding me back.

The problem with toxic positivity and the law of attraction is that when you fail, you may be primed to believe that other variables don’t matter and that your pain doesn’t either — so you should push it down or ignore it. You could be convinced that you deserve your own suffering and mistreatment because you didn’t think or believe positively enough.

That’s very similar to how an abusive relationship works. Because of my partner’s constant put-downs, pressure, and blame, I came to believe that our relationship problems were because I “triggered” him.

During long baths, I daydreamed about possibilities, my own vision for the future: a dog, marriage, kids. I was so committed to this fantasy, a shared future I wanted so badly, that I believed I could usher us into the life I wanted by sheer optimism and force of will. All the while, my partner’s abusive language escalated into physical violence.

I told myself I could manage and hide the very worst of him if that meant I could keep the good — long Saturday mornings in his arms, romantic dinners out on the town, beach walks at sunset. I was so convinced I could “fix” him, I started recording his “episodes” and used a mantra to get through hours of fighting. “I love you; I don’t want to fight,” I chanted through tears. I really believed that all it took to survive, to make him change, to help him get better … was me. I just had to do, feel, think, and say the right things.

Because of my partner’s constant put-downs, pressure, and blame, I came to believe that our relationship problems were because I 'triggered' him.

In the midst of trying to navigate all this, life got even harder when I crashed and totaled my car. As we walked away from the crumpled mess and it started raining, I semi-jokingly shouted at the sky as I imagined Job would, asking God what else He wanted to throw at me. “You are what you eat,” my partner said to me in a low voice. The meaning: If you ask for more suffering, you deserve what you get.

I was so angry at him for suggesting that I deserved this, something as terrible and random as a car crash or whatever might come after. I felt so down, like I needed a serious change to get through this and reconnect with my partner. So, I decided to do something I never thought I’d do: I adopted a mindset of radical acceptance and optimism. I knew that this wasn’t “me,” but I was desperate to feel better, and maybe my attitude wasn’t helping. Maybe I really did need to adjust my perspective. As we walked back up to our apartment, I noted how sunlight had begun to peek out from the clouds, how the raindrops sparkled.

I began to keep a gratitude journal and tried to practice positivity moment to moment. But “trying on” outwardly good-for-me practices couldn’t solve the biggest problem I was dealing with. And in the weeks that followed, my partner’s “bad side” only got worse. One evening, while he was gone at work, I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline to try to get him help but hung up because I still didn’t see myself as a “victim.”

I’d done my best to keep our issues private for months, but they exploded into public view at my first reading during one of the largest events of the year for my graduate program. Shortly after I’d read, I thought we were in the clear. But then my partner got up onstage and began screaming. He cursed out the entire room — all of my colleagues, my employer, the few acquaintances I had — with a stream of f-yous in a hateful, embarrassing, and unprovoked rant.

I’d never been so humiliated in my life. As bar staff escorted him out, an acquaintance whisked me away and insisted I sleep on her couch. That night, I finally broke down and told her everything he’d done to me: the name-calling, demands and intimidation, other things I’d never told anyone and still don’t like to share. When I tried to explain how complicated our situation was, when I told her how I was at fault too, she was firm. “No one deserves to be treated that way,” she told me.

I broke down sobbing and let her hold me. I let myself ignore his texts and calls. And by morning, I still felt absolutely awful and dreaded going back to school on Monday. I got a pixie cut, thinking if people were going to look at me, I might as well give them something to look at. I started wearing heavy mascara and black eyeliner because it made me feel better. Oddly enough, it felt good to allow myself to feel bad. I needed to be sad, to accept just how terrible things had gotten.

Despite how much my partner had hurt and betrayed me, I was still in love with him and wanted to believe we could get through this with counseling or a batterer’s prevention program. I considered ending things off and on, but we shared an apartment, and I couldn’t afford rent on my own. I didn’t know where I would go or how I would manage on my own. In my mind, it was easier to snap back into our normal routine than to give up on us and let everyone in my life know our relationship had failed.

A month or so later, during our scariest fight, I locked my partner out of our bedroom to get away from him. As he pounded on the door, demanding to be let in, I considered calling 911. But there were no marks, I didn’t know what he could be arrested for, if anything, and I worried the police wouldn’t believe me anyway. In the morning, I called his parents and told them to come get him. We were breaking the lease.

I was heartbroken and didn’t want to leave him, but my acquaintance-turned-friend convinced me that we needed a break at the very least. She helped me move into a spare bedroom in her home. With time, I eventually began to see my ex for who he really was: a sad shell of a person, someone whom I couldn’t help and didn’t need or want to be around anymore. I stopped going back to him.

Recently, research came out that confirmed something I’d suspected about my experience but never had the words for. I didn’t understand that my partner’s worldview — the one I’d tried to adopt — was a form of toxic positivity.

As it turns out, an excessively optimistic perspective can be especially harmful and counterproductive for people in abusive relationships.

Sometimes, even the darlings of positive psychology — optimism, hope, and forgiveness — can be bad for you, the study says. A firm commitment to them, one that trumps reality, can stifle your ability to see and accept the growing danger inside your own home.

As a victim and survivor, I consider myself someone who is still recovering from what I went through. I’ll never tell you that surviving this person made me a better person or that there was a silver lining or gift somewhere in what really was akin to interpersonal psychological torture.

But what I can say is that I found an alternative to toxic positivity that works for me, which was recently described by Scott Barry Kaufman in a piece in The Atlantic . It’s called “tragic optimism.” The term was coined in 1949 by Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, existential-humanist psychologist, and the author of Man’s Search for Meaning . It means positivity in the face of tragedy. It’s not a demand to feel better or force yourself into a lighter perspective when times are bad. Rather, it’s a worldview that offers space to grow from suffering, to transform guilt into an opportunity for change, to see your own looming mortality as a reason to make the most of your time to try and make the world a better place.

Now, living through a pandemic, climate change, and massive suffering with rates of domestic violence on the rise , there’s never been a better time to give it a shot. In my experience, it’s much easier and more productive than toxic positivity. A few quick pointers: Don’t assume that what makes you feel better is what someone else needs. Make space for people you love to sit in hurt, especially when they’ve been seriously hurt. Consider removing trite, unhelpful, and stigmatizing phrases like “good vibes only” and “think positive” from your vocabulary. And don’t be afraid to simply empathize and listen. Phrases like the following come more naturally, and they’re more helpful, especially when you’re trying to support abuse victims and survivors: Yeah, that sucks. I hurt for you. No one deserves to be treated that way. I’m here for you. Tell me what you need. How can I best support you?

When I hit bottom, more than anything, I just needed someone to see that I was in pain, that things were very not okay, and to take that seriously. That alone — straightforward realism and empathy — helped give me the strength to believe in my own reality and see that I needed to distance myself from my abuser.

Although this might read as less triumphant or inspiring than some other stories during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I’m really happy to be free from the pressure to “manifest” anything. I’m not going to miraculously skyrocket to success in my career or get rich with some pipe dream. I know that’s not how the world works, and it’s going to take building better, more compassionate communities to get any of us anywhere. I’m still in debt, and my current relationship takes a lot of hard work as we navigate post-traumatic stress and the misunderstandings and hang-ups that come with it.

It’s been a handful of years since I left. To be frank, healing has taken way longer than I thought it would. But I can say I’ve finally found a form of optimism that makes sense for me. And for that, I’m grateful.

Lauren Krouse is a freelance journalist and creative nonfiction writer based in the southeastern United States. Her work has appeared in Women’s Health , Men’s Health , AARP , Prevention , Self , HuffPost , Shenandoah , and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @ laurkrouse .

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4 Sure Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Determine where you fall on the toxic love spectrum..

Posted March 21, 2017

People who fall into dysfunctional romantic dynamics tend to go in and out of denial . Sometimes, they make excuses for their behavior or for the behavior of their partners. At other times, they become so upset about the union that they can barely function or cope with the demands of daily life. This back-and-forth seesaw sets the stage for the confusion and self-doubt that keep a person stuck in a toxic love cycle.

The first step in overcoming the pattern is to wholeheartedly accept that you are, in fact, in a toxic union. Here are four signs that suggest your relationship very well may be toxic:

1. There are momentary highs, but they are short lived.

Toxic love feels like a roller coaster, with excitement and intrigue followed by insecurity and anxiety . If this is your world, you live for the highs, but you mostly experience the lows. You keep hope alive during those lows with glimmering expectations for what could happen when the next brush of attention comes. In a perverse way, it is the unpredictability of intense emotions that keeps a person stuck, like an unsuccessful gambler hoping that the next card will turn everything around. Recognizing this will help you step off the ride and stop the spinning in your head.

2. When you're apart, you feel anxious.

When you're together, it feels enthralling and intoxicating: You desire nothing else than to be with your toxic partner. However, you experience a crushing anxiety when every outing is over. You are left feeling insecure because you are so invested in a person who never gives you definite dates or follows through with plans for your next date. You are left with self-doubt, second-guessing your appearance, your personality , and your actions. You question the status of the relationship and become jealous of others whom your toxic partner may see. It's important to recognize that you are never truly at peace or able to feel at ease and consistently secure with your partner.

3. When you confront your partner about your upset, he or she turns the tables and blames you.

Every now and again, you freak out and give your toxic partner a piece of your mind. Or you let them know how insecure and anxious you feel, and demand answers about whether they are really committed to your relationship. But no matter what you say, how you say it, or when you say it, your partner turns the tables on you and tells you all that you are doing wrong in the relationship. By the end of the conversation, you feel as if you are the bad partner, or that you have done things to cause your partner to mistreat you. Recognize that turning the tables in this way is a strategy your toxic partner uses in order to never have to take responsibility for how his or her behavior impacts you.

4. You are consumed with this relationship.

All you think about — well, almost all — is your toxic love relationship. You think about when you will see your partner next, how you can be more alluring, what you can say or wear to keep your toxic partner desiring you. You also spend a great amount of time filled with worry and self-doubt about whether the relationship is healthy, and if you will ever get what you need form your partner. If you are not with the person, you are lonely , and you have few other deep relationships to fill the void, because you have compartmentalized your life so as to not let friends or family know about your toxic union. You actually fear that your loved ones will tell you to end the relationship, and so you avoid getting deep with other people. You need to recognize that this relationship is taking over your entire identity .

If your relationship is a toxic one, rationalizing or denying it will only perpetuate the problem and make it impossible to grow into a healthier pattern of loving. Your capacity for joy and fulfillment and your ability to reach your full potential increase when you are with a healthy partner.

• Even if a pattern of toxic love describes your relationship, there is a way out of the spiral. I describe in my workbook, Toxic Love: 5 Steps , specific strategies for both how to overcome this pattern, and also how to start attaching with healthy romantic partners.

Jill Weber, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C., and the author of The Relationship Formula Workbook Series including, Toxic Love—5 Steps: How to Identify Toxic Love Patterns and Find Fulfilling Attachments , Breaking Up and Divorce —5 Steps: How to Heal and be Comfortable Alone and Building Self-Esteem —5 Steps: How to Feel 'Good Enough.' For more, follow her on Twitter @DrJillWeber and on Facebook , or visit drjillweber.com .

Jill P. Weber, Ph.D., is the author of Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy—Why Women Settle for One-Sided relationships.

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Our 'Toxic' Love-Hate Relationship With Plastics

We all know that plastics are common in modern life, but science journalist Susan Freinkel says they are really literally everywhere — in our toothbrushes, hair dryers, cell phones, computers, door knobs, car parts — and of course in those ubiquitous plastic bags we get it seems every time we buy anything.

The bags are made from polyethylene , the most common type of plastic in use today. By one estimate, Freinkel says, the amount of polyethylene produced in America every year is nearly equal to the combined mass of every man, woman and child in the country.

Freinkel's new book, Plastic: A Toxic Love Story chronicles the rise of plastic in consumer culture, and its effects on the environment and our health. She notes that plastics have had enormously beneficial impacts — like making blood transfusions safe and common. But scientists are now also finding that phthalate chemicals from IV bags and other plastics are leaching into the fluids we take into our bodies, and the effects of that are just now being understood.

Plastic: A Toxic Love Story By Susan Freinkel Hardcover, 336 pages Houghton Mifflin Harcourt List price: $27

Read An Excerpt

"These chemicals act in a more convoluted and complicated way," Freinkel says. "They interfere with our hormones, and they interfere with the endocrine system, which is the network of glands that orchestrate growth and development. And there's some research showing that DEHP, this chemical that's in vinyl [used in IV bags], has this property. It interferes with testosterone."

But the million dollar question yet to be solved, says Freinkel, is whether prolonged exposure to DEHP and other chemicals alters our bodily systems.

"It's difficult to say what the effects [of exposure] are," she says. "There are animal studies that show, at very high doses, it can be quite hazardous. It is literally toxic to the testicles and can create malformations and damage sperm and create fertility problems later in life. But most people aren't exposed to those kinds of levels — even in hospital settings where you are being transfused for a long time. It's not approaching those levels. It is more subtle, probably."

Problems In Rats

Only a few studies have directly looked at the effects of DEHP exposure in humans. Dr. Shanna Swan at the University of Rochester in Rochester, N.Y., has published several articles on prenatal exposure to phthalates. In one study, she found that newborn baby boys born to mothers with more phthalates in their bodies had a subtle difference in their genitals. That genital abnormality could indicate a disruption in testosterone levels, Freinkel says.

"In rats, that [physical] marker has been associated with a bunch of problems," Freinkel says. "But we don't actually know what it means in humans. ... What it suggests is that these chemicals that we've used for 50 years and assumed to be completely benign may have an impact on health of some people, particularly people who get exposed at critical phases of development."

Susan Freinkel is a science writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times , Discover Magazine , Smithsonian Magazine and other publications. She is also the author of American Chestnut , a social history of one of America's most common trees. HMH Books hide caption

Susan Freinkel is a science writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times , Discover Magazine , Smithsonian Magazine and other publications. She is also the author of American Chestnut , a social history of one of America's most common trees.

What The Plastics Industry Says

The plastics industry, Freinkel says, has maintained that vinyl and phthalates are safe. Both the vinyl industry and the American Chemistry Council conduct their own research on the materials they use and have their own trade associations. Freinkel says they're quick to rebut any studies that come out suggesting a correlation between exposure to synthetic chemicals and possible health issues.

"[They say] they've been in use for 50 years, there's no evidence of widespread human problems, and therefore [they ask], 'What's the issue?' " she says. "And they are right — the science on this is still uncertain."

Interview Highlights

On government regulation of plastics

"Unlike pesticides or drugs, there's no real explicit government regulation on plastics. We have a very fragmented and fairly ineffective patchwork of laws to regulate synthetic chemicals. The central regulation there is something called the Toxic Substances Control Act, which was passed in 1976. People's criticism of that law is that it has tended to treat chemicals as safe until proven to be dangerous. But the way that the law is written is very difficult to establish that a chemical is dangerous because manufacturers do not have to volunteer information about that, and the Environmental Protection Agency is fairly hamstrung in its ability to collect information. When that law was passed, the 60,000 or so chemicals that were then in commerce were simply grandfathered in under the law. Since that time, there have been another 20,000 to 30,000 chemicals that have come onto the market. The EPA has only been able to require reviews of a couple of hundred [types of synthetic chemicals], and it's only been able to actually establish that there were significant hazards that [required] banning in five."

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On different types of plastic

"There are a lot of plastics out there. Plastics are not created equal, and I think there are a lot of plastics that we don't have to worry about. I'm not so worried about polyethylene [the stuff of plastic baggies]. I'm not particularly worried about polypropylene, which is the stuff that's used in yogurt containers or margarine tubs. But we know that hazardous chemicals are used in plastics, and some of those plastics will leach chemicals that may be harmful to our health, and we don't know the full extent of that. I'll give you an example, which is PET — polyethylene terephthalate. It's the plastic that's used in soda bottles and water bottles. It's another plastic that we have for decades considered an inert plastic. In recent years, there have been several studies showing that PET can leach some kind of compound that seems to have estrogenic activity — that seems to act like an estrogen. We don't know what that compound is. We don't know whether it's being leached in sufficient quantities to have any impact on human health. The fact that we're suddenly discovering it is a little disconcerting. That said, I think those kinds of findings are why we need to have stronger laws that require manufacturers to demonstrate the safety of chemicals that they put into commerce."

On plastics leaching from baby bottles

"The plastic that used to be used to make baby bottles is a polycarbonate. It's a hard, clear, glasslike plastic, and one of the main ingredients in that is a chemical called bisphenol A (BPA), which is an estrogen mimic. If you look at a diagram of that molecule, it looks just like an estrogen molecule. And bisphenol A has been associated with a bunch of health problems, including obesity, breast cancer, heart disease and others. And when research about bisphenol A started coming out, parents especially were understandably horrified at the thought that the bottles that they were using to feed their babies could potentially be leaching this chemical into their babies. You'd be hard-pressed to buy a baby bottle now that contains bisphenol A. This is one of those instances where the government didn't step in but Walmart did. The big-box stores won't carry BPA bottles. ... Manufacturers are still free to use bisphenol A, but it has acquired such a bad rep that not many do. There are some states and other countries that have outlawed bisphenol A. The problem, of course, is that you end up with this patchwork of regulations and no consistency or guarantee."

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Excerpt: 'Plastic: A Toxic Love Story'

Home — Essay Samples — Literature — The Great Gatsby — Toxic Love And Life In The Great Gatsby

Toxic Love and Life in The Great Gatsby

• Categories: Jay Gatsby Novel The Great Gatsby

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Published: Apr 29, 2022

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Before You Write a Love Essay, Read This to Get Examples

The day will come when you can’t escape the fate of all students: You will have to write a what is love essay.

No worries:

Here you’ll find tons of love essay topics and examples. No time to read everything? Scroll down to get a free PDF with original samples.

Definition: Essay on Love

First, let’s define what is love essay?

The most common topics are:

• Definition of love
• What is love?
• Meaning of love

Why limit yourself to these hackneyed, general themes? Below, I’ll show how to make your paper on love original yet relevant to the prompt you get from teachers.

Love Essay Topics: 20 Ideas to Choose for Your Paper

Your essay on love and relationship doesn’t have to be super official and unemotional. It’s ok to share reflections and personal opinions when writing about romance.

Often, students get a general task to write an essay on love. It means they can choose a theme and a title for their paper. If that’s your case,  feel free to try any of these love essay topics:

• Exploring the impact of love on individuals and relationships.
• Love in the digital age: Navigating romance in a tech world.
• Is there any essence and significance in unconditional love?
• Love as a universal language: Connecting hearts across cultures.
• Biochemistry of love: Exploring the process.
• Love vs. passion vs. obsession.
• How love helps cope with heartbreak and grief.
• The art of loving. How we breed intimacy and trust.
• The science behind attraction and attachment.
• How love and relationships shape our identity and help with self-discovery.
• Love and vulnerability: How to embrace emotional openness.
• Romance is more complex than most think: Passion, intimacy, and commitment explained.
• Love as empathy: Building sympathetic connections in a cruel world.
• Evolution of love. How people described it throughout history.
• The role of love in mental and emotional well-being.
• Love as a tool to look and find purpose in life.
• Welcoming diversity in relations through love and acceptance.
• Love vs. friendship: The intersection of platonic and romantic bonds.
• The choices we make and challenges we overcome for those we love.
• Love and forgiveness: How its power heals wounds and strengthens bonds.

Love Essay Examples: Choose Your Sample for Inspiration

Essays about love are usually standard, 5-paragraph papers students write in college:

• One paragraph is for an introduction, with a hook and a thesis statement
• Three are for a body, with arguments or descriptions
• One last passage is for a conclusion, with a thesis restatement and final thoughts

Below are the ready-made samples to consider. They’ll help you see what an essay about love with an introduction, body, and conclusion looks like.

What is love essay: 250 words

Lao Tzu once said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Indeed, love can transform individuals, relationships, and our world.

A word of immense depth and countless interpretations, love has always fascinated philosophers, poets, and ordinary individuals. This  emotion breaks boundaries and has a super power to change lives. But what is love, actually?

It’s a force we feel in countless ways. It is the warm embrace of a parent, filled with care and unwavering support. It is the gentle touch of a lover, sparking a flame that ignites passion and desire. Love is the kind words of a friend, offering solace and understanding in times of need. It is the selfless acts of compassion and empathy that bind humanity together.

Love is not confined to romantic relationships alone. It is found in the family bonds, the connections we forge with friends, and even the compassion we extend to strangers. Love is a thread that weaves through the fabric of our lives, enriching and nourishing our souls.

However, love is not without its complexities. It can be both euphoric and agonizing, uplifting and devastating. Love requires vulnerability, trust, and the willingness to embrace joy and pain. It is a delicate balance between passion and compassion, independence and interdependence.

Finally, the essence of love may be elusive to define with mere words. It is an experience that surpasses language and logic, encompassing a spectrum of emotions and actions. Love is a profound connection that unites us all, reminding us of our shared humanity and the capacity for boundless compassion.

What is love essay: 500 words

A 500-word essay on why I love you

Trying to encapsulate why I love you in a mere 500 words is impossible. My love for you goes beyond the confines of language, transcending words and dwelling in the realm of emotions, connections, and shared experiences. Nevertheless, I shall endeavor to express the depth and breadth of my affection for you.

First and foremost, I love you for who you are. You possess a unique blend of qualities and characteristics that captivate my heart and mind. Your kindness and compassion touch the lives of those around you, and I am grateful to be the recipient of your unwavering care and understanding. Your intelligence and wit constantly challenge me to grow and learn, stimulating my mind and enriching our conversations. You have a beautiful spirit that radiates warmth and joy, and I am drawn to your vibrant energy.

I love the way you make me feel. When I am with you, I feel a sense of comfort and security that allows me to be my true self. Your presence envelops me in a cocoon of love and acceptance, where I can express my thoughts, fears, and dreams without fear of judgment. Your support and encouragement inspire me to pursue my passions and overcome obstacles. With you by my side, I feel empowered to face the world, knowing I have a partner who believes in me.

I love the memories we have created together. From the laughter-filled moments of shared adventures to the quiet and intimate conversations, every memory is etched in my heart. Whether exploring new places, indulging in our favorite activities, or simply enjoying each other’s company in comfortable silence, each experience reinforces our bond. Our shared memories serve as a foundation for our relationship, a testament to the depth of our connection and the love that binds us.

I love your quirks and imperfections. Your true essence shines through these unique aspects! Your little traits make me smile and remind me of the beautiful individual you are. I love how you wrinkle your nose when you laugh, become lost in thought when reading a book, and even sing off-key in the shower. These imperfections make you human, relatable, and utterly lovable.

I love the future we envision together. We support each other’s goals, cheering one another on as we navigate the path toward our dreams. The thought of building a life together, creating a home filled with love and shared experiences, fills my heart with anticipation and excitement. The future we imagine is one that I am eager to explore with you by my side.

In conclusion, the reasons why I love you are as vast and varied as the universe itself. It is a love that defies logic and surpasses the limitations of language. From the depths of my being, I love you for the person you are, the way you make me feel, the memories we cherish, your quirks and imperfections, and the future we envision together. My love for you is boundless, unconditional, and everlasting.

A 5-paragraph essay about love

I’ve gathered all the samples (and a few bonus ones) in one PDF. It’s free to download. So, you can keep it at hand when the time comes to write a love essay.

Ready to Write Your Essay About Love?

Now that you know the definition of a love essay and have many topic ideas, it’s time to write your A-worthy paper! Here go the steps:

• Check all the examples of what is love essay from this post.
• Choose the topic and angle that fits your prompt best.
• Write your original and inspiring story.

Any questions left? Our writers are all ears. Please don’t hesitate to ask!

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