long essay roast

Best Roasts

A roast can be pretty hilarious because there's usually a kernel of truth to it. Usually, people exaggerate to make things more offensive and funnier! Make sure to have an awesome sense of humor if you're the one getting roasted because they can hit where it hurts the most!

• 🔥   What are Roasts?
• 💥   Good Roasts
• 😆   Funny Roasts That Hurt
• 😁   Bonus: Awesome Comebacks

What are Roasts?

A roast is when someone is insulted or subjected to jokes about them, usually in front of a group of people. It’s basically like making someone the butt of everyone’s jokes.

It’s called a roast because whoever is being roasted will feel like they’re being burned after all the insults and zingers that everyone throws at them.

When you roast someone, you can poke fun at their appearance, intelligence, or anything that may be their weakness. Their typical response would be to laugh it off or roast people back for people being roasted.

If you and your friends know how to take sick burns and hard truths, then a roast can be so much fun. Just make sure people know how to shake things off because even if they’re funny, roasts can be totally offensive!

👉 If you’re meeting people for the first time, you don’t have to do a roast. Check out this list of conversation starters!

Good Roasts

If you are looking for some of the best roasts, you can tell your friends and co-workers, well, you’ve come to the right place. We’re sharing what you can say to roast your friends like chickens!

Just make sure you can take it if your friends roast you too! Everyone’s fair game. No one likes that friend who wants to diss people but doesn’t know how to take a joke!

Try throwing some of these good roasts around, and see what reactions you’ll get.

1. I’m listening. Just give me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.

Some of us just need more time to process information.

2. It’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

This is why I dislike know-it-alls.

3. I’m not ignoring you. I’m just giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you’re being right now.

Whenever you do something dumb, you deserve the reflection corner.

4. I keep thinking you can’t get any dumber, but then you like to prove me wrong.

You must be a rebel!

5. Why is it OK for you to be an idiot but not OK for me to point it out?

Both should be OK things to do!

6. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find your brain back there.

Unless it’s too small, even your eyes can’t notice it.

7. You’re the reason why there are directions on shampoo bottles.

They just like their hands being held all the time.

8. I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.

I need a copy of that.

9. Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.

If it were a crime, the prison would run out of space.

10. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

Would you rather be happy or ignorant?

11. You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.

The only opinion that matters is mine!

12. I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.

Sarcasm is the proper response to stupidity.

13. Maybe you should try eating some make-up so you’ll be pretty on the inside too.

If someone is ugly on the inside, even luxury make-up will not be enough.

14. When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there if it needs help.

Karma is my best friend.

15. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you terrible advice.

If you’re a bad person, don’t be yourself!

👉 If our roasts gave you a bad burn, try cooling your head with our list of funny puns. Here are 75 of the silliest and funniest puns you can choose from!

Funny Roasts that Hurt

Be a wise-ass with our list of funny roasts that hurt. We’ve collected roasts that can be brutally honest in the funniest way possible.

Try out these roasts on your friends as the ultimate friendship test. Real friends won’t get hurt because they know how to take a joke. Better yet, they’ll also learn how to roast you back!

Keep the roasts coming and the fire burning with more funny roasts!

1. Don’t be ashamed of who you are–that’s your parents’ job.

I want them to be proud of me!

2. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell them.

At least you know your secrets are safe!

3. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

That’s one good thing from you, at least!

4. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

You are so special.

5. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

You also bring shade and gloominess.

6. You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.

Delicious, maybe? Or like mush?

7. You look like the “before” picture.

How long do we have to wait to see your “after”?

8. You’re so full of shit; even the toilet is jealous.

I think it’s time you flush yourself.

9. You are like the sun… please get 93 million miles away from me.

You’re too bright for my eyes.

10. You don’t have to worry about me. Just worry about your eyebrows.

Your eyebrows need more help than I do.

11. Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck it back in.

Tuck it in where no one can see it.

12. Have a nice day somewhere else.

At least you’re still polite about it.

13. If I threw a stick, you would leave, right?

Be a good girl and fetch!

14. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized it was your face that made me sick.

Take some anti-flu medicine.

15. I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.

Try and try until you die!

👉 Take things down a notch and laugh at the light and silly things. Check out our list of the best dad jokes because who doesn’t love silly dad jokes!

Bonus: Awesome Comebacks

Has anyone ever dissed you, and you thought of amazing comeback hours, days, or even months later? It happens to everyone, but don’t worry! We’ve compiled a list of the wittiest and funniest comebacks that can be used during a roast.

Try out these lines and watch people go, “Oh, damn!”

1. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

Even mediocre is a milestone for you.

2. You must hear, “let’s be friends often.”

At least people are still willing to be your friend.

3. It’s impossible to underestimate you.

Underestimating is just what you are!

4. If you’re offended by my opinion, you should hear the ones I keep to myself.

If these roasts burn, then I haven’t even started yet!

5. Everyone brings happiness to a room. I bring happiness when I enter, and you bring happiness when you leave.

At least you still make people happy?

6. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would fart.

They’re both equally stinky.

7. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

I hope the sarcasm doesn’t fly over their heads!

8. You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.

Two burns and not enough ice.

9. If you’re going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart. Otherwise, you’re just an ass.

I prefer the smart than the ass in the smart ass.

10. Your face is fine, but you should put a bag over that personality.

At least you don’t need two bags.

11. Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. It’s a bad idea in your case.

The truth hurts and burns even more.

12. I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might find one.

Soulless people will always just be soulless.

13. I’m not an astronomer, but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you.

We are just giving people the cold hard truth.

14. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

Èven pretzels are more exciting.

15. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

If you’re brave enough to talk about someone behind their back, you should be brave enough to say it to their face!

Conversation Starters

Looking for some conversation starters and icebreakers? Check out our collection of articles full of tips, tricks, and ideas to help get the conversation flowing! Get to know how to talk to anyone anytime, anywhere!

Yo Mama Jokes

Dark Humor Jokes

Funny Messed Up Jokes

Tasteless Jokes

Funny Insults

• Welcome to Tengaged: Register
• Community Blogs
• Frats & Sors
• HoF The Hall of Fame

OliviaSofie's blog Blog

• OliviaSofie is dead
• what's going on here then
• bittersweet...not
• Something I thought i'd let you all know...
• Everyone Hates OliviaSofie
• 1 KARMA AWAY FROM BLACK LEVEL
• the way people treat me on this site
• Most boring person on tengaged?
• wot culor is ur weave
• Tengaged's Prettiest Avatar!
• Tengaged's Ugliest Avatar
• casting stats
• So i was wondering....
• heyyyyaaaaa
• Let me rate your avatar out of 10
• How would you rate yourself
• Should I join a stars game again?
• My avatar darling
• FK YOU TENGAGED!
• PLUS FOR PLUS. (P4P)
• Do you think
• Me talking to myself.
• Some thoughts
• What happened?
• GUESS WHAT?
• How bored are you?
• Medical Team: Tribe mate OliviaSofie left the..
• I want to change my tengaged name
• about survivor;
• I'm back for now.

The worlds longest insult

Leave a comment.

Tengaged.com is an online social site and it's not affiliated with Suzanne Collins, Scholastic, Lionsgate Entertainment, Endemol, Big Brother TV show or any other party related to the social games that can be found in this site. All icons, trademarks and logos are property of their respective owners.

How to Write a Roast

A roast is a series of insulting jokes about a particular person, the roastee. You write each roast joke using the same techniques that you’d use to write a joke about a topic in the news.

So here’s how to roast someone. Start by brainstorming as many associations of the roastee as you can. An association is something that most people in your audience would know about the roastee or would accept as true about the roastee.

An association could be anything: something the roastee did or said, a physical characteristic, a family member. Research the roastee if you have to. Associations are the main building blocks of jokes, so the more associations a roastee has, the easier it will be to generate multiple jokes about him or her.

Of course, because you’re writing roast jokes, be sure to come up with plenty of associations that are unflattering, embarrassing, or negative in some way.

Then draw on your list of associations to create roast jokes using the joke-writing techniques that I call Punch Line Makers. I describe those techniques, and many others, in my book Comedy Writing for Late-Night TV .  Write your punch lines so that the laugh triggers are negative associations of the roastee.

I’ll show you how the process works by analyzing some jokes from the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe .  Here’s a joke about actor Rob Lowe himself:

“Rob was in a movie called  The Outsiders,  playing a character called Soda Pop…which made sense since he was about 98-percent coke.” — David Spade

That joke was written using Punch Line Maker #1: Link two associations of the topic. One handle of the topic, Rob Lowe, has the association “Soda Pop,” which has the sub-association “Coca-Cola.”

Another, negative, association of Rob Lowe is “did a lot of cocaine,” which has the sub-association “coke.” The punch line, “98-percent coke,” links those two sub-associations in a surprising way.

When assembling your jokes into a roast of somebody, make sure your jokes don’t become repetitive and therefore less surprising and less funny. That means including jokes that rely on as many different associations as possible and eliminating some jokes that rely on the same association.

An eighty-minute show like the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe minimizes joke repetition by also roasting the other celebrity guests on the dais.

For example, here’s a joke about conservative writer and commentator Ann Coulter:

“Ann Coulter has written eleven books…twelve if you count  Mein Kampf .” — Nikki Glaser

That joke is a product of Punch Line Maker #3: Ask a question about the topic. The topic “Ann Coulter has written eleven books” invites the question “What are their titles?”

The writer answered that question by using an association of Ann Coulter that the writer believed most audience members would accept as true: “Hitler,” who has the sub-association “ Mein Kampf .” That answer to the question became the punch line.

When you’re writing a roast joke, you can also start with a punch line and work backward to create a topic that sets up that punch line. For example, take this joke about Rob Lowe:

The writer started by associating Rob Lowe with all the movies he’s made for the lesser-prestige Lifetime network. Then the writer decided to create a punch line around “Lifetime” by using Punch Line Maker #4: Find a play on words in the topic.

A second meaning of “lifetime” is the duration of one’s life. The writer relied on that second meaning to create a topic sentence that sounds like something you’d say when paying tribute to somebody. With the addition of that topic, the joke was complete.

After you’ve written the rough draft of a joke, edit it using what I call the Joke Maximizers. This next joke, about distinctive-looking Ann Coulter, demonstrates the use of Joke Maximizer #11: Don’t be too on-the-nose.

The rough draft of that joke must have referred to Ann Coulter as a scarecrow. But just calling her a scarecrow would be too on-the-nose. The edited punch line says the same thing but in a less direct, and therefore more surprising and funnier, way.

Because roast jokes are, by definition, insulting, think hard about whether they’ll be acceptable to your anticipated audience.

If you’re roasting a non-celebrity , keep your roast jokes fairly gentle. Joke about associations of the roastee that neither the roastee nor your audience is likely to be sensitive about. And make sure the roastee has agreed to be roasted and will probably have a good sense of humor about it. That way the audience won’t feel too guilty to laugh.

6 thoughts on “ How to Write a Roast ”

[email protected] men I love ur work

Thanks. I have to roast a fellow YouTube creator in a sort of Battle Roast so, I needed some tips. This helped a lot.

Thanks for saying so. I’m glad I could help. Have fun with your roast!

This has been helpful! Thank you … I now look forward to roasting my son even more 😉

You’re welcome! We roast because we love.

Nice …l learn something really …thank you so much

Comments are closed.

• Remember me Not recommended on shared computers

Forgot your password?

Signup for our email:

• Get notified of new posts
• Get the S.W.I.P.E.S. Email
• Get a masterclass in copy

Calendar Events

• Apr 04 Office Hours (04-04-2024) April 04, 2024
• Apr 11 Office Hours (04-11-2024) April 11, 2024
• Apr 18 Office Hours (04-18-2024) April 18, 2024

All Activity

• Stream Options
• Set as your default stream
• Remove as default stream

This stream auto-updates

•  Condensed
•  Expanded

Elinor Johnston's Journal

• 11 minutes ago

Susana Crofton replied to Elinor Johnston 's topic in Goals, Introductions, and Accountability Journals

• Work Journal

Neville     karelle chienkoua

• 22 hours ago

Neville posted a new status update on karelle chienkoua's profile

Watch my VSL and book a meeting

• Yesterday at 03:24 PM

Tyler Richie replied to Tyler Richie 's topic in Emails

Tagged with:

• copywriting

As a beginner, how do I find a job even without a payment?

• Yesterday at 01:49 PM

Johnny replied to lizhen Chen 's topic in Copywriting & Content

How To Sell Marketing Plans To Divorce Professionals?

• Yesterday at 01:48 PM

Johnny replied to Rob Roseman 's topic in Copywriting & Content

Blog and newsletter readers

• Yesterday at 10:36 AM

Kevin Hart replied to Kevin Hart 's topic in Web Pages

Neville     Kevin Wissman

• Friday at 06:49 PM

Neville posted a new status update on Kevin Wissman's profile

Value Proposition for Supplements Company

• Friday at 06:45 PM

Kevin Hart replied to Kevin Hart 's topic in Copywriting & Content

• Friday at 03:00 PM

Susana Crofton replied to Tyler Richie 's topic in Emails

Neville     Lew Papendick

• Friday at 01:06 PM

Neville posted a new status update on Lew Papendick's profile

Retention.com’s Problem Explainer

• Friday at 06:53 AM

Neville posted a topic in Swipe File

The SWIPES Email (Friday March 29th, 2024) swipes

• Thursday at 11:22 PM

Neville posted a blog entry in Copywriting Course Blog

Readers of my blog - people searching for travel guides and itineraries for South America

• Thursday at 06:51 PM

Susana Crofton replied to Joe Bayfield 's topic in Web Pages

Joe Bayfield's Journal

• Thursday at 06:42 PM

Susana Crofton replied to Joe Bayfield 's topic in Goals, Introductions, and Accountability Journals

Tia Rebman's Journal

Susana Crofton replied to Tia Rebman 's topic in Goals, Introductions, and Accountability Journals

Tyler Richie's Journal

• Thursday at 01:16 PM

Tyler Richie replied to Tyler Richie 's topic in Goals, Introductions, and Accountability Journals

String Nguyen's Journal

• Thursday at 12:38 PM

Johnny replied to String Nguyen 's topic in Goals, Introductions, and Accountability Journals

Does the title get your attention? Do I hold your interest?

• Thursday at 12:37 PM

Johnny replied to M. Joseph Benric 's topic in Copywriting & Content

Neville     Tia Rebman

• Thursday at 08:54 AM

Neville posted a new status update on Tia Rebman's profile

Neville     Elinor Johnston

• Thursday at 05:27 AM

Neville posted a new status update on Elinor Johnston's profile

• Wednesday at 11:50 PM

people who have seen my content on social media and looking at my website

• Wednesday at 07:05 PM

Henry Chien replied to Henry Chien 's topic in Web Pages

How to find out who the marketing manager is at a company?

• Wednesday at 06:58 PM

Jeremiah Stonehocker replied to Jeremiah Stonehocker 's question in Questions?

Busy entrepreneur/consultants/business owners

• Wednesday at 06:38 PM

String Nguyen replied to String Nguyen 's topic in Web Pages

Real estate developers, primarily coming from my social media

• Wednesday at 06:32 PM

Susana Crofton replied to Buck Buczkowski 's topic in Web Pages

• Load more activity
• Roast Generator

Jason 's Roast:

We are doing this roast tonight to help Jason live out one of his sexual fantasies, to have a room full of his friends shit all over him.

A little known fact is that a long time ago Jason used to work at McDonald’s. It was the last time anyone said about your work, "I’m lovin' it."

This is exciting Jason right?? Well tell your face.

Jason if laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

It’s nice to see such a diverse crowd here today. We’ve got Indians, Jews, Whites, and whatever the fuck Jason is.

Jason is so Jewish:

Welcome to the roast of Jason ! My only regret is that Jason ’s roast is happening in 2019 in Austin, and not 1945 Germany.

Jason ’s so old and Jewish he attended Shakespeare's bar mitzvah.

Jason ’s so Jewish his tagline on LinkedIn is: “Once you go Jew, no Christian will do.”

Jason ’s so Jewish and so gay at the synagogue they call him a HeBlew.

Jason went to Israel for a month to explore his Jewish heritage. he found out a bunch of new things about his culture. For example, did you know his Hebrew name is “Yeecchh.”

Jason , I heard in Israel everyone spends Saturday at home with their families? That’s sweet. But man, your mom nags a lot and can be really challenging and annoying. I feel for you. If I had a mother like that I’d be gay too.

This is a very Jewish neighborhood you live in Jason . Even the ATM down the street is Jewish. When I tried to take out some money, it said, “What did you do with the last $50 I gave you??”

Of course Jason is the center of attention tonight. Dude you’re like a Jewish rockstar! What’s your band name: Guns & Noses?

Jason is a very religious person. he actually models his life after Jesus. And by that I mean he ’s a Jew who’s only been nailed three times.

But everyone knows our dear friend Jason , he 's like a Jewish rockstar. What band are in, “I Want My Nickelback?”

Listening to Jason ’s speech tonight answers the question: “What if Hitler only killed all the funny Jews?”

By the way where’s my other Jews at?? Oh nice, we’re just two more away from a condo board meeting!

But geez Jason you’re getting fatter by the day. You’re like Honey Jew Jew.

Jason is so Old:

Jason ’s so old he owes Jesus a nickel.

Jason ’s so old one of his favorite memories as a child was taking a boat ride with two of every animal.

Jason ’s so old his prostate is almost the size of his ego.

Jason ’s so old his blood type is Oh-No.

You’re such an old fossil already….. Jason is so old, that when he was a kid science fiction was a horseless carriage.

Jason ’s definitely showing his age. Backstage I gave him a joint to alleviate his chronic pain, and he rubbed BenGay in it.

Jason recently quit his job and now has a lot of free time. he plans on spending his retirement opening a jar.

Jason ’s so old the first porno he watched was a ghost banging some chick named Mary.

Jason ’s so old his balls are starting to look like a tent nobody knows how to fold up.

Jason is getting so old he has to take an Aspirin before he jerks off.

Jason is so Ugly:

You all know Jason is my first and most longtime friend I have. What you may not know is that he ’s also the first and most longtime customer of ProActive Acne Systems.

Good lord this is an ugly group of people. Holy shit, you know the crowd is ugly when we invited Jason as eye candy.

And Jason you’re looking pretty rough this evening. Jason looks like if sweatpants were a person.

Getting married to you must’ve been rough. What was your wedding song? “How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?”

Jason is so ugly he ’s been the only one ever rejected from Queer Eye for the Straight guy.

Jason is so ugly in October when he went to the haunted house they handed his an application.

Jason ’s psychiatrist said he was crazy and he said he wanted a second opinion. The psychiatrist said “Okay, you're ugly too.”

Jason ’s nose is so big he Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.

Jason is so Hairy:

Holy shit don’t look now but Jason ’s gotten hairy-er since we started this roast!

Jason lost 30 lbs when he joined Weight Watchers, and lost another 10 lbs when we shaved he back.

Jason you’re so hairy you’re making it hard for your parents to choose a wife for you. You look like slumdog million hair.

Jason is so Cheap:

We all love Jason but he definitely is one cheap bastard. For example, he loves watching porno in reverse. I asked him why he did that, and he said, “I like the part where the hooker gives the money back.”

Me and Jason we’re talking. I told he you’re supposed to spend 2 months salary on an engagement ring. Jason was like, “Dude I’m not gonna spend 2 or 3 hundreds dollars on no engagement ring!”

Jason I’m glad you could come today, but will be sad you’re leaving early for your side gig driving for Uber.

Jason ’s so cheap he won’t even pay attention.

Jason ’s so cheap he complains that penny slots are expensive.

Jason ’s so cheap he won't even tip his hat.

Jason is SO stingy the ducks throw bread at him.

Jason is so Bald:

I’d like to thank all of you for coming today, and I’d like to thank Jason for polishing his head.

I thought we were gathered here today for the Roast of Jason . But as I look around at all these attendees, this looks more like a support group for balding men.

But in all seriousness, Jason is a great person. his heart is almost big as his bald spot.

On a more serious note.... Jason , despite all your accomplishments, despite all the businesses you’ve created, despite all the incomes you’ve increased, despite all the people you’ve helped, and despite all the lives you’ve touched…….you’re still going fucking bald.

Jason is very hardworking. The only thing not hard working on Jason is his hair follicles.

Hey Jason I like your haircut. You look like the world’s tallest baby.

Jason I think it’s really cool you go to the same barber as Jeff Bezos.

Jason looks like the “Before” picture on those Hair Club for Men commercials.

Jason is so Boring:

Jason when are you gonna buy a new outfit??

Everyday you wear the same jeans and same flannel patterned shirt.

You're like if Al Borland from Home Improvement learned to program a computer.

The way Jason dresses looks like the first half of a commercial for antidepressants.

Jason is actually pretty good looking, but has a boring personality. Good looks but boring personality, you’re like real life clickbait.

Jason has worn the same outfit for like 10 years. Holy shit….the only person who's worn the same clothes longer than you is Bart Simpson.

Jason I’m glad you and your dull personality could be here. I’m excited to hear your speech at the wedding. With your personality, I'm sure your speech will combine the thrill of talking, with the excitement of standing there.

Jason ’s outfit was recently featured on the cover of Yawn Magazine.

Jason is so Asian:

Holy crap there’s a lot of Asian’s here tonight. Our friend group looks like the first set of workers on the Transcontinental Railroad.

Jason does the worlds hardest job, he ’s a police sketch artist in China.

Jason so Asian he was adopted by Brad and Angelina.

Hey Jason , did you hear about that Asian guy that won a beauty contest. Yea, me neither.

Hey Jason , why do Asian girls always have small boobs? “Because only A's are acceptable!”

But don’t worry about Jason getting too upset about these Asian jokes, he ’ll have time to calm down. If he starts crying and leaves the party, it’ll take him at least 3 hours to back out of the driveway.

But it’s ok even if you do have an unplanned baby. In the Asian culture you’re allowed to abort the fetus until it graduates from medical school.

Jason looks like he was adopted by Brad and Angelina.

Jason I dunno where you’re from, but I’m assuming your parents met on a raft.

::Points at Jason ::

It’s nice to see the president of the [CITY] Mahjong Committee here this evening.

Jason is so White

Jason is so white MY credit score just went up 80 points.

Jason is really an American Dream come true. I’m so happy to finally see a middle aged white person get an opportunity.

And let’s welcome Jason today, or as the Germans call he : Hitler’s Wet Dream.

I was impressed when Jason played that guard in Schindler's List.

Hey Jason I’m looking around and there is not a lot of diversity here. We’re just one more white guy away from a Klan meeting.

Jason is so Fat:

But Jason you’re really looking good nowadays. What Jason has lost in weight, he has also GAINED in weight.

But Jason you’ve definitely been packing on the pounds. The last time Jason went to the dry cleaners they said, “We don't do curtains."

Jason I checked your Facebook, and it turns out you used to be a bit chubby. I’m impressed that you’ve managed to lose so much weight. That’s right, Jason lost 30 pounds on Nutrisystem, and another 10 when he shaved his back.

Backstage before this speech I rolled a gigantic fatty. Because that was the only way we could get Jason on to the stage.

Jason so fat and lazy the only exercise he gets is when his Restless Leg Syndrome starts flaring up.

Your family told me they regret they couldn't’ be here tonight, but they did send 4 bags of grain.

Jason you look like if the fat kid from Stranger Things wished he was big.

Jason is so Gay:

The church didn’t accept Jason ’s gay lifestyle. So he started his own religion: The Church of Latter Day Taints. It’s like a normal church, except you’re happy when the priest fucks you.

Me and Jason are really good friends but we’ve had our ups and downs, one time Jason actually tried to sue me for $10,000. I got really defensive and was like “You’re suing me for $10,000?? Fuck you...you can suck my dick.” and Jason was like, “well OK if you want to settle out of court.”

Me and Jason are good friends and we hangout a lot. And some people have even suspected we were gay or something. But that’s not true. We like hanging out and discussing manly guy stuff. Like one time I asked him, “ Jason , tell me about your first blowjob, what was it like?” And he said “oh man, it tasted awful.”

When I heard that Jason finally came out of the closet I wasn't really surprised….dude you're so gay MY ass hurts.

I once asked Jason why he dresses so flamboyantly and he got upset and hit me with his purse.

I’m having a pretty good time at this roast, but I'm really disappointed with this venue.....I was hoping we could have dinner at a location with a lot more space....like Jason ’s asshole.

Jason - I’m glad you got taken off of the party planning committee, if it were up to you, we’d all be watching showtunes, male strippers, or those two fruitcakes with the white tiger.

Jason is so Mexican:

Actually the last time me and Jason hung out it ended kind of weird. We were gonna smoke weed together. I asked if he had papers, and he just ran off.

Random Offensive Jokes:

Hey Jason , why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?

Because she's a woman.

Hey Jason , why do Japanese people have such squinty eyes? Because atomic bombs are hella bright.

This group is literally Hitler’s wet dream. It’s got Jews, Indians, Russians, and whatever the fuck Jason is.”

I wanna everyone for coming to this roast. My one complaint is next time that we have dinner in some place much larger, like Jason ’s pussy.

Hope this Roast Generator helped you come up with some great ideas! Sincerely, Neville Medhora

Join 55,000+ people getting our newsletter

- Get notified of new posts - - Get weekly S.W.I.P.E.S. Email - - Get a free masterclass in copy - - People love our emails, see testimonials -

• Saturday at 07:24 PM
• Saturday at 05:49 PM
• Saturday at 05:48 PM
• Saturday at 02:36 PM
• Friday at 10:49 PM
• Friday at 10:45 PM
• Friday at 07:00 PM
• Friday at 05:06 PM
• Friday at 10:53 AM
• Friday at 03:22 AM
• Thursday at 10:51 PM
• Thursday at 10:42 PM
• Thursday at 05:16 PM
• Thursday at 04:38 PM
• Thursday at 04:37 PM
• Thursday at 12:54 PM
• Thursday at 09:27 AM
• Thursday at 03:50 AM
• Wednesday at 11:05 PM
• Wednesday at 10:58 PM
• Wednesday at 10:38 PM
• Wednesday at 10:32 PM
• Existing user? Sign In
• Join Newsletter (←do it)
• Member Wins
• Subscriptions
• Why join CC?
• Free Copywriting Guides:
• AIDA Formula
• B2B Cold Email Templates
• Become A Full Stack Writer
• Become a Triple Threat
• Billboard Advertising Guide
• Blog Content Strategy
• Blog Post Idea Generator
• Blog Post Titles
• Book Profit Calculator
• Book Title Generator
• Business Idea Generator
• Caffeine Calculator
• Can AI Replace A Writer?
• Choosing The Right Photos
• Client Questionnaires
• Clincher Sentences
• Cold Email Calculator
• Cold Email Like A Boss
• Company Buyout Calculator
• Consulting As A Side Job
• Consulting Name Generator
• Content Writing Vs Copywriting
• Conversion Rate Calculator
• Copywriting Books and Courses
• Copywriting Command Center
• Copywriting Examples
• Copywriting Exercises
• Copywriting Mistakes
• Copywriting Portfolio
• Copywriting Software
• Copywriting Tips
• Copywriting Tools
• Copywriting Quotes
• Cost Analysis Calculator
• Creativity, What Is?
• Death Calculator
• Different Pricing Examples
• Direct Mail Marketing Guide
• Easiest Font To Read
• Ecommerce Holiday Planning
• Ecommerce Promo Emails
• Effective Sales Letters
• Eliminate BuzzWords
• Email Blasts Guide
• Email List Ideas (and Generator)
• Email Open Rate Examples
• Event Name Generator
• Follow Up Email Templates
• Freelance Pricing Calculator
• Freelance Writing Course
• Freelance Writing for Beginners
• Fundraising Email Templates
• Get First Photography Job
• Google Docs For Writers
• Gross Profit Calculator
• Growth Levers Calculator
• Headlines That Sell
• Home Office For Video Calls
• How To Become A Copywriter
• How To Create A Tagline
• How to Get Your Posts Seen
• How To Make A PDF
• How To Sell A Food Product
• How To Write A Brochure
• How To Write A Hook
• How To Write A Memo
• How To Write A Mission Statement
• How To Write A Newsletter
• How To Write A Postcard
• How To Write A Restaurant Menu
• How To Write A SWOT Analysis
• How To Write A Testimonial
• How To Write An About Page
• How To Write Fast
• Introduction Email Templates
• Job Interview Questions
• Joe Sugarman Triggers
• Leading Questions
• LinkedIn Recommendations
• Make A Target Customer Profile
• Marketing Company Name Gen
• Meeting Request Templates
• Money Back Guarantees
• Monthly Goal Planner
• Newspaper Name Generator
• One Pager Examples
• Plain Language Course
• Podcast Show Notes
• Podcast Name Generator
• Power & Trigger Words For Sales
• Product Name Generator
• Product Pricing Calculator
• Real Estate Flyers
• Real Estate Listing Descriptions
• Recurring Revenue Calculator
• Relearn To Type
• Restaurant Name Generator
• S&P 500 Company Slogans
• Sell Me This Pen
• Social Proof
• Subject Line Generator
• T-Shirt Marketing
• Three Tiered Pricing
• Title Generator
• Tone Of Voice In Copywriting
• Twitter Idea Generator
• Value Based Pricing Calculator
• Website Optimization Calculator
• What Is Scaling?
• What Is Content Marketing?
• What Is Copywriting?
• Why Use Images Vs Text
• Work From Home Successfully
• Workplace Communication Skills
• Writing Advertorials
• Writing Strategies
• Andrew Warner of Mixergy
• Ayman Al-Abdullah of AppSumo
• Cathryn Lavery of BestSelf.co
• Chandler Bolt of Self Publishing School
• Codie Sanchez of Contrarian Thinking
• Dan Martell of SaaS Acadamy
• Danny Miranda about Podcast
• David Perell on Twitter
• Doctor Natasha Kathuria
• Eric Bandholz of Beardbrand
• Gagan Biyani of Udemy
• Jack Butcher of Visualize Value
• Jason Cohen of WPengine
• Jason Gourd of Sorek
• Jay Clouse of Creator Science
• Matt Kepnes of NomadicMatt.com
• Mike Feldstein of Jaspr Air
• Nathan Barry of ConvertKit
• Nick Huber of Sweaty Startup
• Noah Kagan of AppSumo
• Noah Kagan on Book Launch
• Paul Yacoubian of Copy.ai
• Peep Laja of ConversionXL
• Peter Keller of Fringe Sport
• Ross Hudgens of Siege Media
• Ross Hudgens of Siege Media (2)
• Ryan Moran of Capitalism.com
• Sam Parr on Books
• Sam Parr of TheHustle
• Sam Parr of TheHustle (2)
• Sujan Patel of MailShake
• Follow Us & Contact
• Grab the book
• Consulting & 1-On-1
• Join the Newsletter
• Create New...

AI-powered roasting tool

• Entertainment: Use RoastBot for a fun and entertaining interaction.
• Ice Breaker: Break the ice at parties or gatherings with RoastBot's humorous responses.
• Challenge Thinking: Use RoastBot to playfully challenge your own or someone else's statements or questions.
• Improve Mood: Brighten up your day with a good laugh from RoastBot's playful roasts.

New & Trending Tools

Ai journalist, text style transfer, one-page report writer.

Humoropedia.com

Life's Too Short Not To Laugh

• Hilarious Jokes and Funny Pics

Savage Roasts List With 100+ Very Good Roasts That Hurt

Dive into our top 100+ savage roasts and discover the most hurtful roast ever, readying your ultimate argument and comeback for any situation, from a school showdown to office banter.

Cast your vote for the best zinger at the bottom and share the laughs with friends—they’ll love it. Featuring the meanest roasts packed with fresh, brutal burns updated for this year, plus exclusive content just for you. So please keep scrolling because your new favorite roast awaits!

Table Of Contents

45 Brilliantly Good Roasts That Pack a Punch

How to roast like a savage, step 1: wear your thick skin suit, step 2: study the masters, step 3: aim for the funny bone, not the heart, step 4: creativity is key, step 5: timing is everything, step 6: keep it brief, step 7: practice your poker face, step 8: have your escape route planned, step 9: read the room, step 10: enjoy the fallout, what kind of roasts are there, 1. the prime time celebrity charbroil, 2. the “we’re still friends, right” grill, 3. the “mom finds it funny” family roast, 4. the digital skewer, 5. the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall roast, 6. the “oops, did i say that” roast, 7. the time traveler’s toast, 8. the corporate comedy central, 9. the gourmet roast, 10. the silent scream, 5 meanest roasts, 25 most savage roasts, 17 really good savage roast lines, 7 best roasting quotes, 10 savage roasts that hurt, 7 best mean roast jokes for friends, brothers, and almost everyone else, what is your favorite savage roast.

• “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
• “Somewhere out there, a tree is tirelessly producing oxygen for you. I think you owe it an apology.”
• “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
• “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
• “You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
• “I’ve seen smarter cabinets at IKEA.”
• “Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
• “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
• “I would ask how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.”
• “Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.”
• “Shock me, say something intelligent.”
• “You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.”
• “Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.”
• “You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “Some day you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.”
• “You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.”
• “Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.”
• “You’re as useful as a knitted condom.”
• “I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.”
• “If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.”
• “You are the human version of period cramps.”
• “You’re like Monday mornings, nobody likes you.”
• “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
• “You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.”
• “I’d say you’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’, but at least it shows up.”
• “You’re like a software update. Every time I see you, I immediately think ‘Not now.'”
• “If being clueless was a competition, you’d be the reigning champion.”
• “You have the emotional range of a teaspoon.”
• “Your attempt at being cool is like trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.”
• “You’re the human equivalent of a participation award.”
• “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cab-bitch.”
• “You’re like WiFi. Everyone searches for you, only to be disappointed by the connection.”
• “You’re like a cloud service. More space than substance.”
• “You’re the ‘Terms and Conditions’ of people. Everyone ignores you.”
• “Your personality is like a no-data zone. Absolutely no connections.”
• “You’re like a puzzle with missing pieces, impossible to figure out and ultimately disappointing.”
• “If you were a flavor, you’d be plain yogurt – bland and uninteresting.”
• “You’re the human equivalent of a typo.”
• “You’re like a crosswalk signal. Even when you give directions, nobody waits for you.”
• “If laziness were an Olympic sport, you’d somehow still come in second.”
• “You’re as essential as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.”
• “Your vibe is like a silent alarm clock. Absolutely useless.”
• “If you were a movie, you’d be a long commercial before the main feature that nobody likes.”
• “You’re like a mystery novel with the last page missing.”
• “You’re the person everyone wants to unfollow in real life.”

This collection of 45 good roasts is designed to arm you with quips that hit just the right note of humor and bite. But remember: the key to successful roast lies not just in the words you choose, but in the spirit of fun with which you deliver them. To know more about roasting anyone in any argument – please see the roasting guide below because maybe you’ll become a roasting champion!

Savage roasts alone aren’t enough. Roasting like a savage is an art form that requires the finesse of a poet, the sharpness of a stand-up comedian, and the bravery of a gladiator entering the coliseum. So here’s a cheeky guide to mastering the craft:

Before you embark on your roasting journey, ensure your skin is as thick as the plot of a telenovela. You’ll need to take a roast as well as you can dish it out.

Watch endless hours of comedy roasts by legends such as Don Rickles, read witty repartees by Oscar Wilde, and memorize rap battle comebacks. Your brain should be a well-oiled machine, ready to spit fire.

The goal is to elicit laughter, not tears. Target universal quirks and avoid personal tragedies. Remember, you’re roasting, not incinerating.

Your roast should be as unique as a snowflake in a Florida summer. Avoid clichés like avoiding your responsibilities on a Monday morning.

Unleash your roast with the precision of a cat pouncing on an unsuspecting laser dot. A well-timed roast can be the difference between a burst of laughter and a tumbleweed moment.

Your roast should be short and sweet, like a leprechaun at a candy store. If you’re rambling, you’re losing.

Deliver your roast with the emotional range of a teaspoon. The less they see coming, the better the impact.

Not every roast lands. Have a backup joke or a literal exit route ready. Sometimes, the best follow-up is a strategic retreat.

Understand your audience. Roasting your boss with the same zeal as your best friend is as advisable as using a toaster to light a barbecue.

Whether you receive an ovation or a cold shoulder, relish in the aftermath. You’ve just participated in one of humanity’s oldest traditions: making fun of each other.

And there you have it, a foolproof guide to roasting like a savage. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Use your newfound skills wisely, or at least make sure you’re entertaining by using our savage roasts list .

In the grand tradition of witty banter and spirited repartee, the art of the roast holds a special place. It’s a world where words are both the sword and the shield, wielded with precision by those brave enough to enter the arena. But what exactly constitutes a roast? From the hallowed halls of comedy clubs to the less formal battlegrounds of family dinners and Twitter feuds, let’s explore the many flavors of roasts that exist in the wild.

This is where fame meets flame. Celebrities gather to be roasted over an open fire of jokes, making us wonder if they’re seasoned with anything other than their own tears.

Practiced among comrades, where the roasts are so spot-on, you’d think they were marinated in inside jokes and basted in personal regrets. Perfect for testing the boundaries of friendship and the effectiveness of apology texts.

A delightful mixture of nostalgia and embarrassment, often served during holidays. Where your past fashion disasters are the main course, and your questionable life choices are the dessert.

An online joust where emojis are the weapons and “likes” the armor. It’s a place where you can get roasted for anything, from your profile picture to your poorly spelled rant about why pineapple does belong on pizza.

A solo act where you’re both the comedian and the punchline, proving that self-awareness can be painful but hilarious. It’s like being roasted by a clone who knows all your secrets.

The accidental roast, where compliments go to die. It’s the verbal equivalent of tripping up the stairs—you didn’t mean for it to happen, but it’s oddly entertaining for everyone else.

Why limit ourselves to the present when history is filled with roast-worthy material? Imagine telling Julius Caesar he’s not the only one with a stab in the back.

A delicate blend of humor and career preservation, perfect for when you want to roast Bob from accounting but still need him to approve your expense reports.

Actually about food, but if you ever want to spice things up, tell a chef their signature dish tastes like it was seasoned with indifference and garnished with mediocrity.

For those moments when your brain roasts someone silently, providing internal entertainment that’s too spicy to be served aloud.

• “You’re like a software update in the middle of a phone call—unnecessarily interrupting and universally disliked.”
• “If you were a spice, you’d be flour. Because you manage to be both essential and utterly flavorless at the same time.”
• “Your intellect reminds me of a solar panel in London—barely functional and disappointingly underutilized.”
• “You’re the human equivalent of a typo in an otherwise flawless piece of literature. Noticeable, slightly annoying, and easily corrected.”
• “Engaging in a battle of wits with you is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how well I play, you just knock over the pieces, poop on the board, and strut around like you won.”

Remember, the spirit of a good roast lies in jest and should always aim to entertain rather than genuinely offend.

• Where’s your off button?
• I’m not shy. I just don’t like you.
• My hair straightener is hotter than you.
• I have heels higher than your standards.
• You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
• I’m jealous of people who don’t know you.
• You’re entitled to your incorrect opinion.
• I’m visualizing duck tape over your mouth.
• You’re the reason I prefer animals to people.
• If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
• I’d smack you, but that would be animal abuse.
• You sound reasonable… Time to up my medication.
• Hey, I found your nose, it’s in my business again!
• I might be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
• My middle finger gets a boner every time I see you.
• Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?
• 90% of your ‘beauty’ could be removed with a Kleenex.
• The people who know me the least have the most to say.
• I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm.
• I didn’t change. I grew up. You should try it sometime.
• My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
• I’m sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego.
• Some people should use a glue stick instead of chapstick.
• It’s scary to think people like you are allowed to vote.

If you like these savage roasts , you’ll also like this list of really funny comebacks, insults, and burns . You may also enjoy a bonus video below about the celebrity roasters.

• Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find your brain back there.
• I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might just find one.
• Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
• Maybe you should eat make-up so you’ll be pretty on the inside too.
• Your face is fine but you have to put a bag over that personality.
• I keep thinking you can’t get any dumber and you keep proving me wrong.
• It’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
• I’d explain it to you but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.
• Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
• If you’re offended by my opinion, you should hear the ones I keep to myself.
• Everyone brings happiness to a room. I do when I enter, you do when you leave.
• I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
• When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I want to be there in case it needs help.
• I’m not an astronomer but I am pretty sure the earth revolves around the sun and not you.
• If you’re going to be a smart ass, first you have to be smart, otherwise you’re just an ass.
• I am not ignoring you. I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
• No, no. I am listening. It just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.

If you want more good roast lines and other awesome stuff, check out 35 funny Spongebob roasts, quotes, and jokes .

I’m sure you’re gonna like these roasting lines because they’re brutal yet witty.

• Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
• You should really come with a warning label.
• You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.
• Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice.
• Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck it back in.
• No, no. I’m listening. It just takes me a moment to process so much stupid information all at once.
• Please share a roasting quote picture below to Pinterest.

These are the most brutal roasts you’ll ever find. Use them responsibly only when absolutely necessary.

• The last time I saw something like you I flushed.
• I was going to make a joke about your life, but I see life beat me to the punch.
• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
• You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.
• You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.
• You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
• I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
• Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.
• It’s impossible to underestimate you.
• You’re more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

If you like these savage roasts that hurt , you’ll also like these absolutely hilarious and best yo mama jokes .

• A wife asked her husband: “What do you like the most in me: my pretty face or my sexy body?” He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.” I hope you won’t be saying that to your wife, or if you do, may God send you a gorgeous mistress if that happens. Either way, if you like this roast joke, I believe you’ll also like these funny one liner jokes .
• Did you hear about the two bald guys who have put their heads together? They made an ass out of themselves.
• An old teacher asked her student: “If I say ‘I am beautiful’, which tense is that?” The student replied: “It’s obviously past.” If you like the roasting lines you’ve just read, you’ll also like these awesome Little Johnny jokes .
• A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks: “If you were any sort of a gentleman, you’d lift your hat to a lady.” He replies: “If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself.”
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Whenever your ex says “you’ll never find someone like me”, the answer to that is: “That’s the point.”
• My friend thinks he’s smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut in his face.

If you like these mean roast jokes, please share this page with your friends now. Then please vote on your favorite roast below because your opinion matters. In case your favorite roast isn’t on the list below, your vote would add it to the list. So please do vote or expand this roast list with your own mean creation.

• Your so dumb i bet before you watched IT you thought Pennywise was an atm.
• Your the reason god created the middle finger
• You're entitled to your incorrect opinion
• You should really take a trip to hell, and take your parents with you
• your the reason theres rain
• your the reason theres makeup
• if i was you ide donate myself to a thrift store because thats where cheep crap goess
• sorry my internet is slow but atleast im happy its not as slow as your brain
• Your so fake barbie OR Ken is jealous
• Was you born on a highway? Because that's where most MISTAKES and ACCIDENTS are made. 😉
• I would roast you, but my mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.
• you look like a gorilla just came out of town riding on a pony
• I think i'll need an extra punch to get through all those layers
• 50% of your beauty can be fixed with a garbage bag over your head
• Ur the reason why god created the middles finger
• I was hoping to challenge you to a battle of wits but i see u r unarmed
• Roses r red violets r blue god made me pretty what happened to u
• Where are u I can only see plastic in front of me
• Everyone has the right to be stupid sometimes, but you are REALLY abusing the privilege.
• When u were born ur mum said that u where a treasure...! LETS BURY IT!
• Your breath is the reason for climate change.
• dont be ashamed of yourself, thats your parents job!
• If laughter was the best medicine your face would cure the world
• my phone battery lasts longer than ur relationships
• If I wanted to commit suicide, I would just jump from your ego to your IQ
• "We're you born in a highway? That is where most accidents happen.
• You're calling me gay? I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on
• You're so fat when you ate at KFC the waiter served you the bucket on the roof.
• i have 5 fingers, each one resembles a person. The middle one has to be you
• An old teacher asked her student: “If I say ‘I am beautiful’, which tense is that?” The student replied: “It’s obviously past.”
• have you ever considered not trying to be an idiot?
• Your mom has so many warts in her face that it spells "ugly" in brail
• When is your soul coming back from vacation?
• I think you're pretty, pretty pathetic.
• If you stuffed your head with cotton, you would be smarter because right now, your brain is full of dead flies - oh, wait, you don't have one!
• you're IQ is the reason humans arnt on mars yet.
• You have more chins than brain cells
• what happened to you it looks like corona just hit un ur area
• u so uglu u make onions cry
• if your gonna be such a two faced jerk at least make one of them prettier
• You so ugly , you made Kanye West , go east to avoid you
• your mom so fat wen she. borrded the titanic she sunk it
• Donald Trump is smarter than you he has a IQ of 2 You have a IQ of -200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and so on
• when you try to boil a lobster, it screams before, bc it saw your face
• I'm as useful as a white crayon on black paper. You my friend, are a white crayon on white paper.
• Can we go to the zoo? I want to meet your family
• Your talking to me? I only thought you talk behind my back!
• Your hairline look's like the KFC manager
• You so fat even dora can't explore you
• The reason your mom cry's when cutting onion's because you turned out to be a big FAILURE
• You're so ugly that god had to look away.
• I bet your face would melt if I put a candle to it, because all it is, is plastic!
• No wonder your mom has such a big mouth, you have one the size of a whole house
• You're so ugly that your mom said, "whos baby is that..?" then when the doctor told her it was hers, she cried.
• People tell me to take a joke, but the only joke I see if you
• omg it is your long lost brother: spongebob I"ll drown you so you can have a better life with him jerk
• You can speak english?!? I thought you only spoke trash.
• Ya IQ is -77666888389393488484829299292929 and my baby brothers is 1
• when people make fun of adopted kids "At least they where wanted"
• Your the reason why there are instructions on shampoo bottles
• Roses r red, violets r blue, a face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, i'll be there too, not in a cage but laughing at you!
• If I had a dollar for ever time I wanted to throw you out a window, I'd have more money than Bill Gates. .
• When you look on a mirror it cracks
• your so ugly, the mirror looked away
• The world is beautiful! Everything is beautiful! Oh.. wait... everything EXCEPT you...
• I 'd never roast plastic it's bad for the environment
• Yo mama so hairy, when she went to the store, they said ``no pets allowed``
• if I picked you up and dropped you the whole earth would cave in on its selfd
• your existence is the reason cover 19 exists
• if you became a manager of a store not even a Karen would speak to you
• Shouldn't you be in the sewers because I've thought that you were a rat.
• We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately we’ve been married for 10 years.
• You look like the waste in my toilet!
• your so fat you can't even fit in in a thousand foot wide pool
• You're the grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake
• Roses are red, Violets are blue, i have 5 fingers, the middle ones for you
• If you’re waiting for me to start care, I hope you brought something for eating, because it’s gonna be a long time.
• I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in awhile, but you’re really abusing that privilege
• Please, don’t stop, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super intrigued.
• your so dumb if we put you in a competition vs a baby the baby will win
• Okay, my fatness can be fixed but your ugliness can't
• CRY YOURSELF A RIVER, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT!!!
• Maybe eat makeup so you will be pretty on the inside
• Stop using McDonalds free wifi
• y don't you check eBay out and see if they have life for sale
• i thought of you today,it reminded me to take out the trash
• I used to be addicted to soap, now I'm clean! Want some?
• This is an A and B conversation so C your way out of it! Thanks!
• Did you get that "roast" off of google?
• Roses are red violets are blue I have five fingers the middle one is for you
• You and your prents are the ultimate example of two wrongs dont make a right.
• even onions cry when they see you
• Yo mamma so fat that Thanos had to snap twice
• you sooo ugly when i saw you i thought i was dreaming
• when your mom cuts onions and crys its because onions remind her of u
• Your mum is so fat that when i pictured her in my head she broke my neck
• people die everyday after seeing your face ya know
• if i were you i would sue my parents
• Yo mama is so old this meme is 90 yrs younger then her
• your so ugly that i thought you were a posem
• rahh most of your makeup can be cleaned with a wipe shut up
• Is it just me or, is my roast more popular then you
• And just so you know, maybe should eat paint maybe it will acaully make a beauful image on the inside.
• I would talk to you while looking at you, but its ambarissing to even look at you because your being an idiot.
• do me a favor and give the clown in the mirror a highfive
• Wanna hear a funny joke. Ur life.
• are u from the trash family?
• It’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand
• When people make fun of adopted children: "Honey at least I was wanted. Your poor mama didn't have no choice
• The gap in between your teeth look like parking slots.
• When someone says to you ur so retarted say oh sorry i didnt hear you i thought you were describing yourself
• when someone says u cant even roast me back say OMG REALLY I DIDNT KNOW I COULD BURN TRASH
• when someone is saying there so cool and they were also mean say to them god stop being delusianol ur not cool u think your freinds are saying things like omg he is such a legend u really think they are trust worthy
• you're so fat thanos had to clap
• I called a pest exterminator, to exterminate you cause u look like trash
• Too bad you can’t photoshop your ugly personality
• It looks like your hair made friends with the dust bunnies under my bed
• Your parents got a great job offer at the disappointment club
• (Cough) sorry I'm allergic to trash
• (Cough) sorry I'm alregic to trash
• Ur so fat even dora couldnt explore what was around u
• You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Other roast.
• Recent Posts

• Snow Jokes That Guarantee a Blizzard of Giggles! - February 26, 2024
• 111+ Chemistry Pick Up Lines: Ignite Instant Sparks - February 25, 2024
• Unlock Lunar Laughter: Discover The Funniest Moon Jokes Now! - February 25, 2024

Please Like Us On Facebook Or Follow Us On Pinterest Now

Check These Out:

• Next story  Insulting Names List With 100+ Creative & Funny Names
• Previous story  35 Funny Spongebob Roasts, Quotes, And Jokes

Most Recent Posts

Snow Jokes That Guarantee a Blizzard of Giggles!

111+ Chemistry Pick Up Lines: Ignite Instant Sparks

Unlock Lunar Laughter: Discover The Funniest Moon Jokes Now!

45+ Hilarious Snail Jokes That Will Have You Shell Shocked!

Win Every Quiz With These 155+ Unforgettable Kahoot Names

Ultimate List of 35+ Absurdly Funny Limericks To Spark Joy

11+ Best Father Of The Bride Toasts You Need To Know & More

11+ Best Man Toasts & More Wedding Tips You Need To Know

25+ Irish Toasts You Need To Know

Awesome Wedding Toasts & Quotes: +25 Best That Will Charm All

Follow Us On Pinterest

The Best Jokes & Funny Quotes

93 Funny One Liner Jokes 19 Best Medical Jokes About Doctors 30 Best Funny Movie Quotes 63 Funny Star Wars Jokes 77 Best Funny Love Quotes 20 Really Funny Grammar Jokes 120 Best Funny Pick Up Lines 25 Funny Harry Potter Jokes 27 Best President Jokes 20 Best Banker Jokes Kevin Hart Funny Quotes

Module 11: Speaking to Entertain and for Special Occasions

Introduction to speeches about people: toasts, roasts, and eulogies.

Whether a toast, a roast, or a eulogy (as in this picture), special occasion speeches about people require thoughtfulness and preparation.

Toasts, roasts, and eulogies are public speaking situations that call for thoughtfulness and care. In each of these situations, you’re trying to honor someone close to you through your words, while creating an emotional connection to the crowd. You may be entertaining the crowd in an uproarious roast, creating a festive mood with a toast at a banquet, or comforting grieving family and friends with a heartfelt eulogy.  Knowing how to deliver speeches for each of these situations will serve you for a lifetime. We’ll cover how to properly craft a speech that is tailored for each of these circumstances so that you can rise to meet the occasion!

• Eulogy. Authored by : Bahudhara. Located at : https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Victoria_Bannon_eulogy.JPG . License : CC BY-SA: Attribution-ShareAlike
• Introduction to Speeches about People: Toasts, Roasts, and Eulogies. Authored by : Misti Wills with Lumen Learning. License : CC BY: Attribution

• Sidebar Menu
• Speech Samples
• Letter Samples
• Essays Samples
• Grammar Tips
• Funny Anecdotes
• Profound Anecdotes
• Press release Samples
• Recommendation Samples
• Wedding vows Samples
• Article Samples
• Bibliography Samples
• Condolence Samples
• Eulogy Speech

Funny Jokes for a Roast, Speech or Funny Toast

A Roast speech is a type of speech meant to tease, joke around with and make fun of someone - all in good humor - often for their birthday, retirement, promotion, anniversary or other important event. These funny roast one liners, roast jokes and roast quotes can be used for a humorous speech, adapted to a retirement, funny wedding toasts or humorous wedding wishes, a birthday or even a written article.

Funny One Liners for a Roast

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
• "I would not allow this employee to breed"
• "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
• "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
• "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
• "He's been working with glue too much"
• "He would argue with a signpost"
• "He has knack for making strangers immediately"
• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
• "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
• "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection"
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
• "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
• "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
• "One neuron short of a synapse"
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
• "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

More information : We hope this page was helpful and provided you with some information about adding funny one liners and jokes to Roast Speeches and toasts . Check out our main page for more articles here Can U Write .

All materials on this page are under the copyright of canuwrite.com These speech and letter sample materials may be re-used for free but may not be reprinted or redistributed without attribution to canuwrite.com

• Israel-Hamas War

Netanyahu’s Appetite for Confronting U.S. Presidents May Cost Israel This Time

I t was fully expected that Israel would be displeased that the United States abstained on a United Nations resolution calling for a Gaza ceasefire—instead of blocking it with a veto. But Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s reaction was outright ridiculous, as he announced he won’t send his top advisors to Washington for talks about the war. Why did he do that?

Netanyahu has a long history of angering presidents—mostly, although not exclusively, Democrats. After he lectured Bill Clinton in the White House in 1996, the President grumbled to his staff: “Who the f**k does he think he is? Who’s the f**king superpower here?”

While you might think that Israel’s longest serving prime minister would have learned from experience, think about this: He probably has concluded that he always gets away with it. Netanyahu, a self-described expert on the U.S., is taking U.S. support for granted—in the belief that Evangelical Christians and America’s tiny Jewish minority will ensure that Israel is always loved, constantly armed, and repeatedly forgiven for any missteps.

And yet, at this point, after President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have said that Israel has been bombing indiscriminately in Gaza, and Biden said the military reaction to the Hamas massacres of October 7 has been “over the top,” Netanyahu still thinks he can take a slap at Biden.

It’s getting pretty clear that Israel’s prime minister is gambling, and he’s putting his chips on Donald Trump. Netanyahu—and the rightwing extremists in his government who want to annex the West Bank, and now would like to rebuild Jewish settlements in Gaza—feel that if Trump is back in the White House, he will again let Israel do whatever it wants. And, in their view, if Republicans can capture the Senate and keep the House, then Israel will really have it made.

That’s a lousy bet. No one can count on Trump to stick to whatever position he’s voicing at the moment. In fact, the former president bears a grudge against Netanyahu for congratulating Biden on his election victory in 2020. Trump harshly criticizes American Jews for voting for Democrats, and in an interview with an Israeli newspaper now says the Gaza war looks bad and tells Netanyahu to finish it fast and focus on peace.

For decades, in Israeli politics, the government wanted to look like it was 100% in lockstep with the U.S.—that beacon of a free country that, since the Yom Kippur War of 1973, has been Israel’s main arms supplier and protector in the world’s diplomatic arenas. Israel was proud to say that it maintained bipartisan support in the U.S., and both its diplomats and the American lobby AIPAC took pains to make friends with both Democrats and Republicans.

But Netanyahu has embraced the hubris of thinking he’ll look strong to his political base if he challenges American presidents and other foreign critics. He and his closest officials have strengthened ties with the Republicans—especially hawkish conservatives who admire what the small Jewish state is able to accomplish in an overwhelmingly Muslim region.

Read More: Israel Must Not Let Netanyahu Reject the Biden Peace Plan

When Israeli leaders perceived that many Democrats were questioning Israeli actions, especially its occupation of the West Bank since 1967, Israel turned a cold shoulder to the progressives. And the American Left, no longer admiring Israel as a liberal and enlightened enclave in the Middle East, made Zionism one of its main targets for condemnation.

As statistics and our own sensibilities show, that has contributed to an upsurge in antisemitism —in the U.S. and worldwide—notably since October 7 and the Israeli invasion of Gaza that followed. Jews in many countries are being harassed or attacked by anti-Semites and anti-Zionists, who are cut from the same cloth, on both the political Left and Right.

Netanyahu’s bull-headed insensitivity is partially to blame. In the U.S., he was turning off liberals long before his current feud with Biden. Recall his 2015 address to Congress, after an invitation extended only by Republicans. His speech called on America to reject Barack Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran. Netanyahu preached, then lost. The support Israel forfeited from Democrats has had lasting impact.

The alliance between Israel and the U.S. is not a force of nature that can be taken for granted. Thirty years ago, we wrote a book aimed at deciphering the secrets of an alliance between a superpower and a tiny country in a far-off strategic region. We outlined factors such as shared democratic values, the importance of the Jewish American community, the strong attachment of Evangelicals to the Holy Land, and memories of the Holocaust.

We also warned that the passage of time and changes in U.S. demography could erode support for Israel. It's happening now, with protests on American campuses against the war in Gaza. Many of the protestors consume a diet of self-selected, sometimes fake news and have little understanding of the complexities of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Israel still enjoys widespread support in America, though it’s constantly eroded by the behavior of Netanyahu and the extremists in his cabinet. “It seems that U.S. officials speak politely but firmly to their Israeli counterparts,” former Israeli ambassador to Washington Danny Ayalon told us. “But the Israelis pretend they don’t understand what they’re being told.”

For now, the Israeli government and military officials who were going to fly to Washington this week will stay home. They had been invited by the White House to hear alternatives developed by Pentagon and CIA strategists: ways of crushing the last remnants of Hamas, and hopefully liberating hostages, without a huge attack on Rafah, where over a million Palestinian refugees have gathered.

Netanyahu isn’t really interested in those talks. He explicitly declares that the Israel Defense Forces must enter Rafah, to kill or capture the top Hamas military chiefs. That means he, apparently backed by everyone in his post-October 7 war cabinet, feels it is necessary to restore Israeli deterrence by showing the power of the IDF.

To the Biden Administration and most of the world, that looks like indifference toward the tens of thousands of Gaza civilians who have been killed or wounded, and the hundreds of thousands made homeless.

Biden’s decision to abstain at the U.N. – rather than protect Israel, as usual, with a veto – was a message to Netanyahu that enough is enough. Netanyahu thinks he’s able to slap back, but his petulance reminds us of the satirical Peter Sellers movie of 1959, “The Mouse that Roared,” in which a tiny fictitious country declares war on the U.S. in the hope of receiving reconstruction aid.

That was farce, of course. The reality is that Israel cannot afford to endanger the aid that's already flowing. On top of $3.8 billion in annual direct military assistance, the U.S. has sent more than 400 transport planes and 30 ships carrying 20,000 tons of ammunition, rockets, and other essential military equipment to help Israel prosecute the Gaza war. "Without this re-supply, the Israeli army wouldn't be able to keep fighting beyond another six months," a former Israeli general told us.

Darker days for American-Israeli relations could follow, especially if Netanyahu keeps misjudging the country that’s been Israel’s greatest defender.

More Must-Reads From TIME

• Jane Fonda Champions Climate Action for Every Generation
• Biden’s Campaign Is In Trouble. Will the Turnaround Plan Work?
• Why We're Spending So Much Money Now
• The Financial Influencers Women Actually Want to Listen To
• Breaker Sunny Choi Is Heading to Paris
• Why TV Can’t Stop Making Silly Shows About Lady Journalists
• The Case for Wearing Shoes in the House
• Want Weekly Recs on What to Watch, Read, and More? Sign Up for Worth Your Time

Contact us at [email protected]

• Search the site Please fill out this field.
• Saved Items & Collections
• Add a Recipe
• Manage Your Subscription
• Give a Gift Subscription
• Newsletters
• Sweepstakes
• Food News and Trends

The Trick for Making Roasted Asparagus Taste Like a Restaurant's

Banish limp asparagus from your kitchen, starting now.

Katy O'Hara is a food media writer and editor. Her work has appeared online for America's Test Kitchen, Serious Eats, and Allrecipes, and in print for America's Test Kitchen Kids.

robynmac/Getty

It’s finally the season for asparagus , and we’re ready for months of the fresh, tender vegetable gracing our plates whether we’re out to dinner or at home. When you cook asparagus right, the stalks still hold their shape. But overcooking it results in limp, stringy strands. 

While you can certainly steam or boil asparagus and get perfect crisp-tender stalks, to get a restaurant-worthy side, you’ve got to roast them.

How to Make the Best Roasted Asparagus

Oven-roasted asparagus is a classic side dish, and a few simple tricks can take it from an afterthought on the plate to the main attraction.

First, do your best to select asparagus that’s green all the way from top to bottom. The white, woody end of some asparagus is very fibrous. While you can (and should!) cut off the ends of your asparagus, stalks with white ends are likely to be more fibrous throughout, meaning stringy asparagus for you.

Once you’ve got your asparagus and trimmed the ends, there are a few small—but important—factors in determining how well your asparagus will cook: the amount of oil you use, pan crowding, and temperature. 

Cavan Images/Getty

• Don’t overdo the oil. Using too much oil on the delicate stalks will make them greasy. Using a smaller amount will contribute to flavor and help the stalks crisp up without overwhelming them.
• Don't overcrowd. Separating asparagus stalks on your baking sheet so they aren’t overlapping is important because if your asparagus is overcrowded, it will steam and prevent the stalks from getting brown and crispy.
• Use a high temp. Cooking the asparagus at a high temperature (we’re talking 425 degrees F or higher) will promote the browning that creates a more complex flavor. You can even broil your asparagus. Just be sure to keep an eye on it in the oven. Roasting at 425 degrees F for 12 to 15 minutes or broiling for 5-7 minutes is a relatively safe bet, but the size of your stalks may bring that time up or down slightly. Stalks should be just tender, not overcooked (overcooked asparagus will be limp and stringy.) 

Once you have the basic techniques for cooking perfect roasted asparagus every time, you can play with flavor. Toss them with olive oil, salt, and pepper and finish them with a squeeze of lemon for a simple, bright preparation, or cover them in cheesy, nutty grated Parmesan before baking to make them extra crispy and flavorful.

Commenters on this simple but effective recipe said that it is the “only way we will be eating asparagus now,” and that they, “didn’t know it could taste so good!” Another member said, “I have never cared for Asparagus. They always taste bland and seem like a pointless addition to the meal… But this recipe as simple as it is, changed my entire view of this veggie. ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!!!”

What to Serve with Roasted Asparagus

Roasted asparagus is a versatile side dish that is a great accompaniment to many entrées. It's simple to pull together, making it perfect alongside a more labor-intensive main dish. Asparagus is a classic side served with steak (cook the asparagus while your meat rests so everything's ready at once), and it works equally well with various fish dishes and chicken .

Mary Berry's 'beautifully tender' slow roast lamb recipe is perfect Easter lunch

I f you're celebrating Easter Sunday by tucking into a tasty roast dinner, Mary Berry's has a recipe that can be enjoyed over the holiday and all year round.

If you're on cooking duty this weekend, the cooking legend's French roast lamb served with ratatouille - a Provençal dish of stewed vegetables - offers a European twist to the traditional meal. Even better, those who try it can simply bung all the ingredients into one roasting dish and stick it all in the oven to four hours - leaving plenty of free time.

As seen on her BBC 2 series Simple Comforts , Mary said: "This all-in-one slow roast with ratatouille-style vegetables is great for feeding a crowd. It does need a long time in the oven, but this means that the lamb is beautifully tender and you have time to pop to the pub or go for a walk."

While it roasts low and slow, take the time to prepare some crispy roast potatoes that need just two ingredients. For something sweet, Mary's Easter lemon biscuits can be made in just 30 minutes or try this hot cross bun pudding recipe that's been dubbed "genius".

Mary Berry's slow roast French lamb with ratatouille recipe

Ingredients

• 1 large leg or shoulder of lamb, about 2kg (4lb 6oz), bone in
• 2 garlic cloves, sliced into slivers
• 3 onions, thickly sliced
• 2 red peppers, deseeded and chopped into large pieces
• 1 large aubergine, chopped into large pieces
• 1 x 400g (14oz) tin of chopped tomatoes
• 300ml (10fl oz) beef or chicken stock
• 2 tbsp sun-dried tomato paste
• 1 tbsp chopped fresh thyme leaves
• 3 fresh bay leaves
• 1 tbsp honey
• 2 tsp paprika
• salt and freshly ground black pepper

For the rub:

• 2 tbsp chopped thyme leaves
• 1 tbsp paprika
• 2 tbsp olive oil

You will need:

• 1 large, deep roasting tin
• Preheat the oven to 220°C/200°C fan/Gas 7.
• For the rub, put the thyme, paprika and oil in a small bowl, mix well and season. Make holes in the joint of lamb with a small sharp knife and spread the rub all over it. Insert the garlic slivers into the holes and season the lamb with salt and pepper.
• Put the lamb in a large roasting tin and add the onions around and underneath. Roast in the oven for about 40 minutes.
• Lower the oven temperature to 160°C/140°C fan/Gas 3. Scatter the peppers and aubergine around the lamb.
• Pour the tomatoes into a bowl, add the stock, sun-dried tomato paste, thyme, bay leaves and honey, then stir to combine. Pour all this into the roasting tin over the peppers and aubergine and stir, then sprinkle the paprika over the vegetables.
• Cover the whole tin with foil and return to the oven to roast for about 4 hours until the lamb is tender and falling off the bone.
• Shred the meat or carve into slices. Drain any fat from the top of the sauce and serve with the ratatouille vegetables alongside.

Join the Daily Record's WhatsApp community here and get the latest news sent straight to your messages.

Pulling together: how Cambridge came to dominate the Boat Race – a photo essay

The race along the River Thames between England’s two greatest universities spans 195 years of rivalry and is now one of the world’s oldest and most famous amateur sporting events. Our photographer has been spending time with the Cambridge University Boat Club over the past few months as they prepare for 2024’s races

T he idea of a Boat Race between the two universities dates back to 1829, sparked into life by a conversation between Old Harrovian schoolfriends Charles Merivale, a student at the time at St John’s College Cambridge, and Charles Wordsworth who was at Christ Church Oxford. On 12 March that year, following a meeting of the newly formed Cambridge University Boat Club, a letter was sent to Oxford.

The University of Cambridge hereby challenge the University of Oxford to row a match at or near London each in an eight-oar boat during the Easter vacation.

From then, the Cambridge University Boat Club has existed to win just one race against just one opponent, something Cambridge has got very good at recently. Last year the Light Blues won every race: the open-weight men’s and women’s races, both reserve races, plus both lightweight races – six victories, no losses, an unprecedented clean sweep. Cambridge women’s open-weight boat, or blue boat, has won the last six Boat Races while the men’s equivalent have won five out of the last seven. In such an unpredictable race, where external factors can play a large part, this dominance is startling.

Thames trials

Rough water as the two women’s boats make their way along the River Thames near Putney Embankment during the Cambridge University Boat Race trials.

It’s a mid-December day by the River Thames. The sky and water merge together in a uniform battleship grey and the bitter north wind whips the tops off the waves. Outside a Putney boathouse two groups of tense-looking women dressed in duck-egg blue tops and black leggings with festive antlers in their hair are huddling together, perhaps for warmth, maybe for solidarity. The odd nervous bout of laughter breaks out. For some of them this is about to be their first experience of rowing on the Tideway, a baptism of fire on the famous stretch of London water where the Boat Race takes place. “Perfect conditions,” remarks Paddy Ryan, the head coach for Cambridge University women, for this is trial eights day, when friends in different boats duel for coveted spots in the top boat.

A couple of hours later these women along with their male equivalents will have pushed themselves to the absolute limit, so much so that several of the men are seen trying to throw up over the side of their boats at the finish under Chiswick Bridge. This may be brutal but it’s just the start. For these students the next few months are going to be incredibly tough, balancing academic work with training like a professional athlete. Through the harshest months of the year they will be focused on preparing for the end of March and a very simple goal: beating Oxford in the Boat Race.

Agony for one of the men’s boats after the finish of the race near Chiswick Bridge during the Cambridge University Boat Race trials.

Ely early mornings

Two of the women’s boats head out in the early morning for a training session on the Great Ouse.

Early winter mornings on the banks of the Great Ouse, well before the sun has risen, can be pretty bleak. In the pitch black a batch of light blue minivans drop off the men and women rowers together at the sleek Ely boathouse that was opened in 2016 at the cost of £4.9m – it’s here that all Cambridge’s on-water training takes place. Very soon a fleet of boats carrying all the teams takes to the water for a training session that may last a couple of hours. Then it’s a quick change, a lift to the train station and back to Cambridge for morning lectures.

The women’s squad head into the Ely boathouse after a 6am drop-off.

As a rower descends the stairs to the bays where the boats are stored, there is a clear indication of why it was built and why they are there. “This is where we prepare to win Boat Races,” a sign says. Since this boathouse was built, Cambridge have won 30 of the 37 races across all categories.

Top: The men’s squad stretch in the boathouse before an early morning training session and a member of the men’s blue boat descends the stairs into where the boats are kept. Below: One of the men’s teams set off for early morning training and the women’s blue boat rows past the women’s lightweight crew during a training session.

It’s a far cry from the old tin sheds with barely any heating and no showers. These current facilities are impressive, enabling the entire men’s and women’s squads to be there at the same time and get boats out.

Top: The men’s blue boat prepare to derig their boat at their Ely training site. Above: The women’s blue boat put their vessel back in the boathouse after a training session on the Great Ouse.

But it’s not just the boathouse that has contributed so much, it’s also the stretch of water they train on. In a year when floods have affected so many parts of the country it has really come into its own. Paddy Ryan, the chief women’s coach, explains: “Along this stretch the river is actually higher than the surrounding land. The water levels are carefully managed by dikes and pumps. As a result we haven’t lost a single session to flooding. That’s not the case for Oxford. I believe their boathouse has been flooded multiple times this year, unable to get to their boats. We’ve had multiple storms but we’ve been able to row through them all.”

The men’s third boat practises on the Great Ouse.

It’s a flat, unforgiving landscape, especially in midwinter, definitely not the prettiest stretch of water, but Cambridge don’t care. Ryan says: “It might be a little dull on the viewing perspective but we could row on for 27km before needing to turn round. We have a 5km stretch that is marked out every 250m. We are lucky to have it.”

The men’s blue boat practise their starts on the long straight on the Great Ouse.

The sweat box

Members of the men’s squad check on their technique with the use of a mirror at the Goldie boathouse.

The old-fashioned Goldie boathouse is right in the centre of Cambridge perched on the banks of the River Cam. Built in 1873, its delicate exterior belies what goes on inside. This is the boat club’s pain cave, where the rowers sweat buckets, pushing themselves over and over again; it’s a good job the floor is rubberised and easy to wipe clean.

A wreath to Charles Merivale, the founder of the Boat Race, and wood panelling in the upstairs room at the Goldie boathouse which commemorates Cambridge crews that have competed in the Boat Race from 1829.

(Top) Seb Benzecry, men’s president of the Cambridge University Boat Club, and (above) Martin Amethier, a member of the reserve Goldie crew, sweat during sessions on ergo machines.

Iris Powell of the women’s blue boat (above) performs pull-ups during a training session.

Above left: Hannah Murphy, the cox of the women’s blue boat, urges on four of her crew (left to right) Gemma King, Megan Lee, Jenna Armstrong and Clare Hole, as they undertake a long session on the ergo machines. Above right: Kenny Coplan, a member of the men’s blue boat crew, looks exhausted then writes in his times after his session on an ergo machine (below).

Brutal sessions on the various ergo machines, where thousands of metres are clocked and recorded, are a staple of the training regime set in place. If there is any slacking off the students just need to look up at one of the walls where a map of the Boat Race course hangs. The “S” shape of the Thames has been carefully coloured in the correct shade of blue and record timings for various key points on the course have been written in for both men and women. All but one record, and that one is shared, is held by Cambridge.

Paddy Ryan, the women’s chief coach, talks to the women’s blue boat during a training session on the River Great Ouse in February.

A key ingredient in any successful team is the coaching. Cambridge’s setup is stable and well established. Paddy Ryan is the chief women’s coach, a genial, tall Australian, he has been part of the women’s coaching team since 2013. The care and devotion to his squad is perfectly clear. “I have my notebook next to my bed so I can jot things down. I wake up in the middle of the night going: am I making the right decisions? I care about them as people and I need to manage them … We joke as coaches that we are teaching some of the smartest people on the planet how to pull on a stick.”

Rob Baker, the chief men’s coach, has Cambridge rowing in the blood. Born and bred in the city, his father was a university boatman for 25 years. He even married into the sport – his wife, Hayley, rowed for Cambridge as a lightweight – so it was no surprise that he became part of the coaching setup way back in 2001. He was the first full-time women’s coach in 2015 then moved to take over the men in 2018.

Rob Baker, the men’s chief coach, talks to his blue boat at their Ely training site.

Apart from an obvious role in the development of rowing skills, a key part of their job is making sure there is a balance for their student athletes. They understand they have to juggle training needs. “Every week we have a general plan,” says Baker, “but then someone might have an extra class or supervision they’ve got to do so we have to move around it. They are studying at one of the most competitive universities in the world with the highest standards so you’ve got to give them space to do that properly.” He goes on: “But when they get on the start line for their race, they’ll be just as competitive as if they were professionals.”

The presidents

Jenna Armstrong and Seb Benzecry discuss their plans in the Great Hall at Jesus College.

Every year one man and one woman are elected presidents to represent Cambridge University Boat Club. They are the captains and leaders, not only responsible for helping design the training programme in conjunction with the coaches but also making budgetary and tactical decisions along the way. This year both of them, Jenna Armstrong and Seb Benzecry, are from the same college, Jesus, which helps the communication between the two of them. They share ideas and knowledge, thoughts and worries. Their lives, for these intense few months, are a juggling act.

Armstrong is a 30-year-old from New Jersey, and doing a PhD in physiology. Once a very keen competitive junior skier she was forced to abandon her hopes of a career on the slopes after a number of serious knee injuries. She only started rowing in 2011 and only became aware of the Boat Race when she saw it on TV a couple of years later.

Jenna Armstrong, cycling down the Chimney, the grand entrance to Jesus College, to go to the other side of the city to carry out more of her PhD research at the department of physiology, development and neuroscience.

The research she carries out at the university labs could be turn out to be life-saving. “I study mitochondrial function in placentas from women from all over the world to learn how genetic and environmental factors during pregnancy can influence placental metabolism and impact the health of both mother and baby. I’m particularly interested in growth restriction which affects about 10% of babies worldwide. That can have lifelong implications for these babies and currently we don’t have any treatment for this.”

Benzecry, 27, is studying for a PhD in film and screen studies, and comes from a completely different rowing background. He grew up just a stone’s throw from the Boat Race course and went to a school on the banks of the Thames. This will be his 14th year of competitive rowing but his fourth and last Boat Race.

“ I remember one year my birthday fell on race day and we watched after my birthday party. Because we live fairly close to the course, I’ve always felt connected to the race.”

Seb Benzecry stands next to an Antony Gormley statue in the Quincentenary Library at Jesus College as he conducts research for his dissertation which forms part of his PhD in film and screen studies.

Talking about how hard it is to get the right balance between academic student life and rowing, Benzecry says: “I guess you have to accept there are many, many things you can’t do, you just don’t have time for during the season. You have to put the blinkers on.”

Armstrong says: “I have to be very prepared, very strategic and organised. I pack everything the night before, and then once I leave my room in the morning, I don’t go back. That allows me to go to training, go to the lab, go to training again. It’s surreal actually, to come to a place like Cambridge, have one of the best educations in the world on top of the most incredible rowing experiences in the world. We have a thing now in the boat, when we are doing something incredibly hard, I say this is my ideal Saturday, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I would rather be here than in bed or on a date. And I make everyone else say it with me too. I’d rather be nowhere else.”

Benzecry states: “When it’s really bad, when training is so hard, we say Oxford aren’t doing this, they could never do this. It’s an incredibly powerful thing to be thinking we work harder than them, our culture is better than them. They don’t want to go hard as we do – they might think they do but they don’t, they just don’t have it.”

Integration

The men’s and women’s blue boats during a training session on the River Great Ouse in February.

Until 1 August 2020, there were three separate university boat clubs in Cambridge: one for open-weight men, one for lightweight men, and one for open-weight and lightweight women. Since they merged to become one club, it has undoubtedly helped with everyone sharing the same resources and motivating and inspiring one another. No one is more important and everyone has a key part to play in the result. This year, Oxford have followed suit.

Baker says: “I definitely feel, for the athletes themselves, it makes a big difference. They all feel like they’re contributing to one common goal. Every cog in the wheel has to do its job but for sure it feels like one big team on a mission.”

Benzecry explains: “We’re seeing each other train, we’re all out on the water at the same time, we’re supporting each other throughout the season, building a sense of momentum for the whole club towards the races. Everyone’s just inspiring each other all the time and I think that’s been such a sort of cultural shift for Cambridge.”

The men’s blue boat pack their craft on to a trailer at their Ely training site ready for the trip down to London for the Boat Race.

Siobhan Cassidy, the chair of the Boat Race, knows from first-hand how the integration has helped. She rowed for the Light Blues in 1995 and had a key role in the transition. “We could see the advantages of working together, collaborating as a bigger team, the positive impact we felt that could have on performance. But not just the output, actually the whole experience for the young people taking part.”

Siobhan Cassidy, the chair of the Boat Race, pictured at the Thames Rowing Club at Putney Embankment.

This Saturday, if the weather holds, an estimated 250,000 people, the vast majority of whom have no allegiance to one shade of blue or the other, will pack the banks of the Thames to see these races. It’s one of the largest free events in Britain. Broadcast live on BBC One, the race is also beamed to 200 countries across the world.

The starting stone for the University Boat Race and pavement inscription: “The best leveller is the river we have in common” at Putney Embankment.

A map of the Boat Race course at the Goldie boathouse, with the Thames coloured in Cambridge blue and record timings written in for men and women showing almost total Cambridge dominance.

A sporting pinnacle being contested on a fast-flowing, unpredictable river by two teams of university students – it’s pretty bizarre. But maybe it’s that quirkiness that keeps the race, after almost two hundred years, still going strong. And even more bizarre to think that Cambridge, the current dominant force in the Boat Race, a sporting event that can’t shrug off its elitist stereotype, owes so much of that success to such egalitarian principles.

• The Guardian picture essay
• The Boat Race
• University of Cambridge
• Photography

Most viewed