paragraph essay joke

Essay Jokes

I finally got an a on my essay, professor: what inspired you to write this essay, an essay should be like a skirt., i did an essay on the room., i think i have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. how do i know, i wrote an essay on communism, i was asked to submit a 1,000 word essay.., my teacher told me to turn in my essay..., difficult essay exam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher said "Nathan! Turn in your essay!"

A teacher asked her students to write an essay about " what would i do if i were ceo of a company", my chemistry teacher told me i had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid., the professor told me, “you don’t deserve an a for this essay”, apparently they're removing the essay section from the sat, "how long should my essay be", the teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. little johnny got up to read his. it began, "my daddy fell in a well last week." "good grief" the teacher exclaimed. "is he ok" "he must be," said little johnny., a teacher has his students write an essay on, "what is bravery" - one kid's entire essay was:, i did really well on my essay about communism., how does a pirate open an essay, russian kids were writing an essay about their heroes...., i was revising an essay the other day..., my professor made me write a 30 page essay on differentiates an integer from a decimal..., i wrote an essay about american patriotism, did you hear about the guy who was sexually attracted to the end of essays, i accidentally sent my essay to a 3d printer, tom was asked to write an essay about family, i forgot to put the reference in italics on my essay., a 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar., 50% of essays, why do spaniards frequently plagiarize essays, satan was angry because jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was., i fell in love while starting my essay., keith flint failed his english at school. it was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent, how does a pig write an essay, professor gave us a 2000 word essay..., before the mother's day, the teacher gives her class an assignment to write an essay about their mothers., summer essay, i pour maple syrup over my essays, an english teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars., where does chewbacca research his college essays, my professor wanted me to write an essay on existentialism..., my dad told me that colleges are cracking down on ghost-written essays..., i'm pretty sure somebody hid the final paragraph of my essay on the shelf i can't reach, why did the mexican fail his writing class, i just graded a social studies essay on capitalism, i had an important essay on the relation between occam's razor, red herrings and chekhov's gun..., what did the mexican say when his homework flew out the window, i had to write an essay on plagiarism today, kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay..., for school i had to write a thousand word essay, my english teacher got really angry about the format of my essay., what's the most assigned elementary school essay in chicago, i used to get paid to write other students essays in high school., my history teacher is a communist, so i made lots of references to the soviet union in my essay., i wrote an essay once comparing various versions of the bible., i think the professor wants us to skip most of this essay, my religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of christ., why was civil disobedience such a good essay, in order to write a good essay about trees.., simple instructions from an english teacher for a great essay., i thought i could finish this philosophy essay..., why are mexicans such prolific writers, my professor called me into his office., so they made the essay optional for the new sat test..., i like my children how i like my essays., why did the criminal get released from prison after he wrote a short essay, need help solving a joke with no punchline, i want to do an essay on chronology and hand it in late..., my professor gave me an f for my essay on late 19th century european history...., there's only one mother., at school the teacher tells the students:, square enix, ubisoft, ea and valve are all in class., steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer., what do you call a long piece of writing about america, why did the blonde college student have sex with a mexican, i'm pretty sure someone stole the last paragraph of my essay, and hid it on a really high shelf..., what do you call a mexican that is only 4’6”, my father is my favorite redditor., a brother and sister, an engineering student is called into the dean’s office…, a college class was asked to write a short story in as few words as possible., the difference between theory & reality., some dick jokes.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Laughing Through Lines: 100+ Hilarious Essay Jokes

Introduction:.

Writing essays can often feel like a daunting task, but adding a touch of humor to the process can make it much more enjoyable.

In this collection of essay jokes, we’ve compiled a series of pun-tastic one-liners that will not only give you a good chuckle but also remind you that even the most serious tasks can be met with a smile.

Elevating Essays Through the Power of Laughter:

Why did the essay go to therapy? It had too many unresolved issues.
What’s an essay’s favorite type of music? Heavy paragraphs!
Why did the student bring a ladder to the library? To get to the high points of the essay.
How do you organize an astronomy essay? In a “space”-ful order.
Why did the computer get an award? It had the best “byte-sized” essay.
Why was the essay cold? It had too many drafts.
Why did the essay break up with the conclusion? It felt too final.
What did one essay say to the other? “I think we’re on the same page.”
Why was the grammar essay so confident? It had a lot of “periods” in its life.
What did the detective say to the suspect essay? “You’re under a very well-constructed paragraph.”
Why did the essay apply for a job? It wanted to support its arguments.
Why did the tomato turn red while writing an essay? It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a haunted essay? A ghost-writer.
Why did the essay wear glasses? To “see” through the text better.
Why was the essay good at baseball? It had strong points.
Why did the outline break up with the essay? It couldn’t handle the commitment.
Why did the essay enroll in dance class? It wanted to work on its “flow.”
What’s an essay’s favorite exercise? Running paragraphs.
Why did the essay get an “A”? It aced the content.
Why did the bibliophile write an essay? To share his “book”-ish knowledge.
Why was the math essay stressed? Too many problems.
Why did the essay go to the doctor? It had a bad case of “word” flu.
What’s an essay’s favorite time of day? The “conclusion” of it.
Why was the essay never lonely? It had plenty of supporting evidence.
What’s a computer’s favorite type of essay? One with lots of “clickbait.”
Why did the essay break the internet? It had too many “hits.”
Why was the essay a great dancer? It had perfect “footnotes.”
What did the essay say to the pen? “You complete me.”
Why did the essay get in trouble? It had too many “arguments.”
What’s an essay’s favorite dessert? A well-structured “pie”ce.
Why did the essay visit the art gallery? It wanted to brush up on its “strokes” of genius.

Essays Crafted with a Dash of Jollity:

How did the essay know it was in trouble? Its margins were shrinking.
Why was the essay good at gardening? It knew how to cultivate ideas.
What did the essay do at the gym? It worked on its “body” paragraphs.
Why did the essay refuse to play hide and seek? It could never find a good “conclusion.”
What’s an essay’s favorite movie genre? Suspense – it loves building tension!
Why did the essay feel embarrassed? It had a “comma” sense of shame.
What did one essay say to the other during an argument? “Let’s not lose our paragraphs.”
Why did the student bring a ladder to English class? To reach the lofty expectations of the essay.
Why did the essay apply for a visa? It wanted to explore different “sentences.”
Why was the essay always polite? It had impeccable “grammar.”
What’s an essay’s favorite social activity? Going to “sentences” parties.
Why did the essay go on a diet? It had too many “fillers.”
What did the essay do when it was cold? It grabbed a “blanket” statement.
Why did the essay bring a flashlight to the library? To shed light on the topic.
Why was the essay a great swimmer? It had strong “current” arguments.
What did the essay say to the procrastinator? “You’re treading on thin paper.”
Why did the essay bring a map to the writing session? It wanted to navigate its ideas.
What did the essay say at the end of the day? “I think I’ve made my point.”
Why did the essay become a chef? It wanted to “season” its arguments just right.
Why did the essay sit near the computer? It wanted to catch some “screenshots.”
What’s an essay’s favorite game? Connect the “ideas.”
Why was the essay a great public speaker? It had excellent “delivery.”
Why did the essay go to the bank? It wanted to check its “sentences.”
What did the essay say to the dictionary? “You’re my thesaurus-t friend!”
Why was the essay invited to the party? It had a reputation for being “engaging.”
Why did the essay blush? It found itself between two “covers.”
What’s an essay’s favorite weather? “Punny” days!
Why was the essay always at the top of the class? It had a “high” level of intelligence.
What did the essay say to the research paper? “Let’s join forces and cite some sources!”
Why did the essay get in trouble at the zoo? It couldn’t stop “paw”-graphing its ideas.
What did the essay do during the earthquake? It added a little “tremor” to its thesis.
Why was the essay an excellent detective? It always found the “clues” to a compelling argument.
Why did the essay have a great poker face? It could “bluff” its way through any topic.
What’s an essay’s favorite mode of transportation? The “senten-cab” – it gets you where you need to go!
Why did the essay get a promotion? It had outstanding “paragraph-formance.”
What’s an essay’s favorite fruit? Puns – they’re both juicy and delightful!
Why was the essay so popular at parties? It knew how to “hook” the audience.
What did the essay do when it got locked out? It looked for the “key” point.
Why did the essay get a standing ovation? It had impeccable “stance” on the topic.
What did the essay do when it was hungry? It devoured the “bite-sized” arguments.
Why did the essay apply for a job at the bakery? It wanted to knead its ideas into shape.
Why was the essay great at telling jokes? It had a strong sense of “pun”manship.
What’s an essay’s favorite game show? “Wheel of Arguments” – where the points spin!

Wit and Wisdom in Essay Jokes:

Why did the essay become an astronaut? It wanted to explore the “cosmic” depths of knowledge.
What did the essay say during a job interview? “I’m here to make a strong ‘impression.'”
Why did the essay start a garden? It wanted to cultivate its “thesis seedlings.”
Why was the essay a fantastic dancer? It had smooth “transitions” between paragraphs.
What’s an essay’s favorite type of coffee? “Espresso” – it gets the ideas flowing fast!
Why did the essay go to the beach? It wanted to “shore up” its arguments.
Why was the essay the life of the party? It always knew how to “compose” itself.
What did the essay say to the joke book? “You’re my ‘witty’ reference!”
Why did the essay take up archery? It wanted to hit the “bull’s-eye” conclusion.
What’s an essay’s favorite accessory? “Quotation marks” – they add style and substance!
Why did the essay become a gardener? It knew how to plant “seeds” of knowledge.
Why was the essay so confident? It had a strong “thesis” of self-assurance.
What did the essay say when it made a typo? “My bad, that was a ‘write’ of passage!”
Why did the essay bring a ladder to the party? To reach the “climax” of the conversation.
Why was the essay a great painter? It knew how to “color” its arguments convincingly.
What’s an essay’s favorite dessert? A “compelling” argument layered with evidence!
Why was the essay always calm during storms? It had a strong “thesis” of inner peace.
Why did the essay become a musician? It loved playing with “notes” and rhythms.
What’s an essay’s favorite dance move? The “conclusion” spin!
Why did the essay become a judge? It had a knack for delivering “sentences.”
Why did the essay become a detective? It excelled at finding “clues” in the text.
What’s an essay’s favorite board game? “Argument”-opoly – where ideas are currency!
Why did the essay throw a party? It wanted to celebrate a well-“structured” argument.
Why did the essay always carry a map? It never wanted to get “lost” in its thoughts.
What’s an essay’s favorite type of comedy? “Wit”-ty humor, of course!
Why did the essay apply for a job at the bakery? It wanted to “rise” to the occasion.
Why did the essay go to the art class? It wanted to learn how to “draw” in readers.
Why did the essay become a tour guide? It loved leading readers on a “journey” of ideas.
What’s an essay’s favorite game at the amusement park? The “rollercoaster” of arguments!
Why did the essay go to the spa? It needed to “relax” its tension-filled sentences.
Why did the essay join the comedy club? It wanted to sharpen its “punch”lines.
Why was the essay a great dancer? It had perfect “syntax” on the dance floor.
What’s an essay’s favorite app? The “i-dea” generator, of course!
Why did the essay become a gardener? It knew how to “cultivate” a blooming argument.
Why did the essay apply for a job as a chef? It loved adding flavorful “spices” to its content.
What’s an essay’s favorite winter activity? “Essay”-lting snowballs of creativity!

jokes about august

jokes about pencils

Conclusion:

In the world of academia, where essays often carry the weight of knowledge and analysis, injecting a little humor can go a long way in lightening the load. We hope these essay jokes brought a smile to your face and reminded you that even the most serious tasks can benefit from a touch of laughter.

So the next time you find yourself staring at a blank page, remember these pun-tastic one-liners and let them spark your creativity.

Are these essay jokes suitable for all ages?

Absolutely! These jokes are family-friendly and can be enjoyed by essay enthusiasts of all ages.

Can I use these essay jokes to impress my English teacher?

Certainly! Teachers appreciate creativity and a good sense of humor. Sprinkle these jokes in your assignments to add a dash of fun.

What’s the best way to incorporate these jokes into my essays?

While a little humor can be refreshing, remember to strike a balance. Use jokes sparingly and ensure they align with the overall tone and topic of your essay.

How do I avoid overusing jokes in my writing?

Just like seasoning in cooking, moderation is key. Use humor strategically, focusing on enhancing your content rather than overpowering it.

Can I share these jokes on social media?

Of course! Spread the laughter with your friends and followers. Everyone could use a good chuckle, especially in the midst of essay-writing woe

Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

——————————————————————————–

posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

—————————————————————–

How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk: I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron: Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk: Why not? Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron: No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both). Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone. Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.” I guess that explains it. Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways. In NYC I often drive on 87. Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class. Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things. Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne. I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was. The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene. There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages. And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway? Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel. And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura. Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology. I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry. My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought. The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog. Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references. Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who. Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires. Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door. I even encourage it. But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating. If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy. If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume. Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband? Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear. And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate. Clearly he was a NASCAR driver. I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them. But your children? Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder. They’re not my kids. Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween. I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar). That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang. I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it. And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door. So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween. One day a year is all anybody asked. We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday. Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy. Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out. When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door. These days kids are much more efficient. They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house. So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door. Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time. And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening. While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself. I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door. Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18. If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police. Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually. Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not. If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not. If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone. Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number. Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me. It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me. It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word. I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride? What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities? I didn’t help draft the Constitution. I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution. I didn’t even help win World War II*. America’s Greatest Generation? Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade? I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done? Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone. Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately. I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap. And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill. He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight. In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi. Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that. Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you. Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder. I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC. The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you). Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show. Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name. She laughed. I said “Your name is Ha? Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.” All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show. I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside. She was beyond breath-taking. She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be. As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works. That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk. But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind. But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend. Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right. Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette. The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back. She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were. She was also having trouble standing up. At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible. Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card. I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show). He said he knew. When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show. Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set. The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer. And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation. I can’t wait to go back. Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends. Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees. Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways. At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college. And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience. And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention. But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers. The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them. I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do. So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it. That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians. The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed. A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right. But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles. So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach. And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful. Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret. Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife. Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party. She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment. I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women. Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none! Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman. What does she do for a living? Tax accountant. Perfectly respectable profession. Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city. I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her. I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer. With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models. She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women. I said that doesn’t prove anything. Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks. If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet. The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.” For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly. And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash. He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”). But the song is not about cars. It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.” Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine. Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.” I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three. Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry. Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny? If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed. How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes? Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men. When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make. And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female. A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional. Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night. And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice. It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year. And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out? If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny. It’s clearly not true. What can your readers do? They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived. I said yes. She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me. I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me). But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand. But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with. At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead? I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift. The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force! Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful? Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.” By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement. That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author. NOT research of highly-successful people. No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years. Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic. Or at least out of the elevator. Just get out of the elevator. And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping. There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century. Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment. If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert. Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine. You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” WAKE UP! You don’t get lemonade from lemons. You get lemon juice. You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club. As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained. They go to boo the performers off stage. Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show. And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it. I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club. I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room. Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world. Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors. Of course the U.S. is on top by far. Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany. So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war. Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited. And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden. More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland. If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate. Skip their wine. France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ. No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks. I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me. I picked it up and caught up to her. “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily. “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted. I shrugged. There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head. She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow. Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd. So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth. As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier. Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before. Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine. I’m happy.

What’s the joke? Come to a show. You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

——————————————————————————-

Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only. No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

Humorous Writing (A Guide to Adding Humor to Writing)

Want to keep readers coming back? Tickle their funny bone with humorous writing.

Whether it’s a novel, a short story , or a blog post, a dash of humor can be a game-changer. But crafting comedy isn’t one-size-fits-all. From witty one-liners to playful satire, the spectrum of humor is vast. Remember, what has one person in stitches might leave another scratching their head. So, know your audience, and then dive into these techniques to pepper your prose with chuckles.

Various Forms of Humorous Writing

There are several types of humor you can use to make your piece more entertaining and jovial. Sarcasm, wit, irony, and satire are all effective ways to make your readers laugh or at least smile. However, it’s important to use each type of humor at the right moment, so your punchline lands perfectly.

Many often view sarcasm as the lowest form of witticism because it relies on mean-spiritedness and mockery. It can be funny if used in moderation, but too much sarcasm will make your writing seem unprofessional and petty.

example of using sarcasm for humorous writing

Wit is similar to sarcasm, except that it uses intelligence and cleverness instead of condescension and mockery. It employs puns , wordplay, and double meanings to lead the reader down an amusing path.

Irony occurs when what happens contradicts what was expected. This discrepancy between expectation and reality can create some hilarious situations. This is like when a character in your story concocted a scheme that hilariously backfires on him.

Last but not least, we have satire, which makes fun of people or ideas by using exaggeration, ridicule, or parody. When done right, satire pokes holes in some hot arguments and brings attention to societal issues . Controversial politicians and other celebrities are often subjected to satire by comedians.

Use Them Wisely!

All four forms of funny business we discussed can enhance your writing if used carefully. Keep in mind though that overdoing any of these methods may result in wasted time, so choose your chuckles wisely! Try using irony or sarcasm in situations where it would be unexpected but still make sense within the story’s context. Or play around with word choice by making absurd comparisons or substitutions (like referring to a very tall and lanky character as “beanpole”). If done well, humorous writing can enhance your readers’ experience. Just don’t overdo it or force the jokes to the point that it doesn’t appear natural in the piece itself. Often, a little goes a long way!

How to Write Humorously

Humor is a great way to hook readers, and have them coming back for more. Our inherent desire to laugh motivates us to share funny YouTube videos and respond to text messages with iconic smiley faces. Many people choose to get their daily news with a touch of comedy from outlets like “The Daily Show,” “The Colbert Report” or “ The Onion “. This is to show that we would rather laugh than sit and wallow in sadness. Humorous writing is not limited to comic strips, as it also benefits any form of conversational or narrative compositions, such as short stories, articles, books, and essays. By the way, don’t forget to proofread your work for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Elements of Hum or in Writing

Who doesn’t enjoy some dark humor from time to time? Have you noticed that even in movies of the horror genre , filmmakers try to inject a little humor now and then? This is known as comedic relief and it makes movies more enjoyable. But before you start cracking jokes, there are a few elements you should know about using humor in your writing:

One of the most important elements of humor is timing and delivering the punchline at the right moment. Knowing when to deliver a joke is crucial, and if you do it too soon or too late, the effect will be lost.

2. Relevance

Another important element of humor in writing is relevance. Your jokes should be relevant to the topic at hand. Otherwise, they’ll just seem out of place and forced.

3. Comical Value

Finally, make sure that your jokes land. There’s nothing worse than an attempted bit of wit that falls flat. If you keep these elements in mind, you’re well on your way to adding some hilarity to your writing. So go forth and entertain us all. If you want to add humor to your writing, timing is everything! Make sure your jokes are relevant and land – otherwise, you’ll just end up looking like a fool.

humorous writing - woman laughing while watching something on her laptop

Why Incorporate a Bit of Humor Into Your Next Piece?

Humor is a great way to make your writing more interesting and vivacious. It can also help lighten the mood or make a serious subject more relatable. The goal of adding some humor to your writing project is not about becoming the next Woody Allen or David Sedaris (unless that’s your dream). The objective is to improve your writing by using all the tools available to you, including comedy.

1. Brainstorm Ideas with Friends or Fellow Writers

This can help give you a fresh perspective on what might be funny. Experiment with different types of humor until you find one that works well with your voice and style. Brainstorming can help you generate more ideas, reduce writing anxiety, and focus your attention on the most relevant content when writing. This is essential before outlining the major points needed to create well-organized short stories and writing in general.

2. Pay Attention to Timing and Delivery

Jokes that are too long or arrive at the wrong moment will fall flat. Work on perfecting your delivery so that readers laugh when they’re supposed to. Polishing your timing and delivery is crucial for maximizing the impact of your joke. This will help you achieve the desired result, which is to make the readers laugh. Psychologist and bestselling author Dean Buonomano points out in his book Your Brain is a Time Machine that our mind not only tracks the passage of time but can also stretch or compress our sense of that passage in various ways. So why not give humor a try in your next piece? It might just take your writing from good to great.

FAQs on Humorous Writing

1. how do you write a funny poem.

There is no one way to write a funny poem, but you can try these tips:

Thinking of a topic that will be entertaining to read about.
Using rhyme and other poetic devices to add levity and interest.
Keeping the overall tone lighthearted.

Following these guidelines can help you create a poem that will bring smiles (or even laughter) to your readers’ faces.

2. How do you come up with a funny story?

Every funny story is different, but here are a few things to take heed of to help you come up with a hilarious tale.

Try to think of a situation that would be universally relatable and entertaining.
Add in some elements of exaggeration or absurdity to make the story even more humorous.
Don’t forget the punchline! A good joke will leave your audience laughing out loud. So, make sure yours is solid.

If you like to master humorous writing, following these tips and techniques can help get you started. Just remember not to overdo it. A bit of humor goes a long way! And be sure to keep your audience in mind so that you don’t end up offending anyone with your jokes. With a light touch and the right approach, humorous writing can be a great asset to any piece. Next up, you may want to explore a guide on how to start a business plan writing service .

Get your free PDF report: Download your guide to 100+ AI marketing tools and learn how to thrive as a marketer in the digital era.

Rafal Reyzer

Hey there, welcome to my blog! I'm a full-time entrepreneur building two companies, a digital marketer, and a content creator with 10+ years of experience. I started RafalReyzer.com to provide you with great tools and strategies you can use to become a proficient digital marketer and achieve freedom through online creativity. My site is a one-stop shop for digital marketers, and content enthusiasts who want to be independent, earn more money, and create beautiful things. Explore my journey here , and don't miss out on my AI Marketing Mastery online course.

click here to read it now

Read this week's magazine

9 Funny Essay Collections

Maeve in America: Essays by a Girl from Somewhere Else is comedian Maeve Higgins's wickedly funny essay collection. The 14 pieces in the collection such topics as Rent the Runway, teaching a comedy workshop in Iraq, the Muslim travel ban, and more, all containing incisive humor and deep humility. Higgins picks 10 of her favorite funny essay collections.

1. The Long-Winded Lady: Notes from The New Yorker by Maeve Brennan

Not strictly an essay collection, Brennan’s sketches of life in New York City in the '50s and '60s are full of pathos and wit. They are not very long, but that very brevity is key to their success. You know that scene in the movie Amélie where the heroine links arms with a blind man and gives him a whirlwind tour of hectic cityscape? That’s the breathless feeling you get reading Maeve Brennan, given an edge with her keenly dark sense of humor throughout.

2. I Feel Bad About My Neck by Nora Ephron

Lucky for us, we have a number of Ephron’s essay collections, but this one is a favorite of mine because it’s so charming, honest and fun to read. Ephron does not tolerate despondency or morbidity, and I wonder what she would make of outlets publishing still-fresh tragedy-struck pieces written by hungry young writers today. In "Moving On," an essay about making a home and a life for herself and her two little boys after an excruciating divorce, Ephron stays focused and funny. She is clear-eyed but not without emotion, a balancing act hard to do on the page, but one she pulls off with style.

3. Swerve: Reckless Observations of a Postmodern Girl by Aisha Tyler

This raucous book full of backstage comedy gossip and frank advice about sex and dating was published in 2004, well ahead of other essay collections on similar themes that would later be hailed as "ground-breaking." Tyler’s star has risen since this collection, having co-hosted The Talk and starred in Criminal Minds for many years. These essays are still fresh and lovely to read today, and you can hear Tyler’s voice as you read, so it feels like sitting with your clever friend over drinks, staying up late the way you have to sometimes, and just letting it all come out in the wash.

4. Men Explain Things To Me by Rebecca Solnit

This book got me good–reading it, I was shaking my head and laughing out loud, sometimes at the same time. Solnit’s succinct reporting on gender, blended with her own lived experience, is a winning combination. At times her writing is all too relatable and elicits the type of embittered laugh that comes with a deep recognition of how messed up misogyny is. This is also the laughter of kinship, the screech of "that happened to me too!" and "I never knew this was a thing ." So much fun, and you wind up feeling bolstered and ready to deal with the next mansplainer, who will, no doubt, be along in a minute.

5. Vacationland by John Hodgman

I never knew I’d care so much about Maine until I read this delightful, self-aware, and surprising collection by the very funny and subtly profound writer, known to many from his days on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Hodgman refuses to take himself seriously, which is important, because it helps us to join him as he explores his particular fate as a successful, white, middle-aged man in America today, and adore him all the more by the end of it.

6. You Can't Touch My Hair: And Other Things I Still Have to Explain by Phoebe Robinson

A dizzying, hilarious trip through pop culture, race, and gender from this young comic. Full disclosure: I am friends with Phoebe. That only makes me more sure of her talent, because any memoirist knows it’s almost impossible to accurately portray oneself in words; self- consciousness, vanity, lack of skill often prevent any possibility of actually translating a person into a book. But this is the real woman; full of life and intellect and fun.

7. I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley

A classic for so many reasons, and a book that spawned a hundred imitators. The jokes are so strong, the stories so well-timed and the writing so sly and perfect, it’s impossible not to fall for the woman behind the mishaps of a life not working out as planned. I smile about the essay where Crosley gets locked out at least once a week, and I read this book ten years ago. Perfection.

8. Calypso by David Sedaris

The latest offering from the master of the funny essay, Calypso will make you laugh and shake your head at the somehow completely relatable oddness of Sedaris and his family and his various preoccupations. Calypso also gave me pause—Sedaris has been writing for many years now, and this collection more than the previous ones reaches that bit deeper into the melancholy parts of life. All the better, because the truth in sadness verifies the truth in joy, and so you have in your hands an authentic book, a real journey, that will make you laugh until you cry and then laugh again. I recommend listening to as an audiobook if you can, Sedaris is a wonderful reader.

9. One Day We'll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter by Scaachi Koul

I knew Koul from her sparky and witty online presence—she is a culture writer for BuzzFeed living in Canada—and was enthralled by her book which flows beautifully. Her essays feature a few overriding themes: being a woman, being the child of immigrants, being brown, being online. All of these are facets of Koul’s experience in the world, and she navigates through with much humor and a sharpness that is quite thrilling to read. A generous and lovely book. Her depiction of her father and their relationship is nothing short of hilarious.

You are a subscriber but you have not yet set up your account for premium online access. Contact customer service (see details below) to add your preferred email address and password to your account.
You forgot your password and you need to retrieve it. Click here to retrieve reset your password.
Your company has a site license, use our easy login. Enter your work email address in the Site License Portal.

Definition and Examples of Humorous Essays

Glossary of Grammatical and Rhetorical Terms

An Introduction to Punctuation
Ph.D., Rhetoric and English, University of Georgia
M.A., Modern English and American Literature, University of Leicester
B.A., English, State University of New York

A humorous essay is a type of personal or familiar essay that has the primary aim of amusing readers rather than informing or persuading them. Also called a comic essay or light essay .

Humorous essays often rely on narration and description as dominant rhetorical and organizational strategies .

Notable writers of humorous essays in English include Dave Barry, Max Beerbohm, Robert Benchley, Ian Frazier, Garrison Keillor, Stephen Leacock, Fran Lebowitz, Dorothy Parker, David Sedaris, James Thurber, Mark Twain, and E.B. White—among countless others. (Many of these comic writers are represented in our collection of Classic British and American Essays and Speeches .)

Observations

"What makes the humorous essay different from other forms of essay writing is . . . well . . . it's the humor. There must be something in it that prompts the readers to smile, chuckle, guffaw, or choke on their own laughter. In addition to organizing your material, you must search out the fun in your topic." (Gene Perret, Damn! That's Funny!: Writing Humor You Can Sell . Quill Driver Books, 2005)
"On the basis of a long view of the history of the humorous essay , one could, if reducing the form to its essentials, say that while it can be aphoristic , quick, and witty, it more often harks back to the 17th-century character 's slower, fuller descriptions of eccentricities and foibles—sometimes another's, sometimes the essayist 's, but usually both." (Ned Stuckey-French, "Humorous Essay." Encyclopedia of the Essay , ed. by Tracy Chevalier. Fitzroy Dearborn Publishers, 1997)
"Because of fewer constraints, humorous essays allow for genuine feelings of joy, anger, sorrow and delight to be expressed. In short, in Western literature the humorous essay is by and large the most ingenious type of literary essay. Every person who writes humorous essays, in addition to having a lively writing style , must first possess a unique understanding that comes from observing life." (Lin Yutang, "On Humour," 1932. Joseph C. Sample, "Contextualizing Lin Yutang's Essay 'On Humour': Introduction and Translation." Humour in Chinese Life and Letters , ed. by J.M. Davis and J. Chey. Hong Kong University Press, 2011)
Three Quick Tips for Composing a Humorous Essay 1. You need a story, not just jokes. If your goal is to write compelling nonfiction , the story must always come first—what is it you are meaning to show us, and why should the reader care? It is when the humor takes a backseat to the story being told that the humorous essay is most effective and the finest writing is done. 2. The humorous essay is no place to be mean or spiteful. You can probably skewer a politician or personal injury lawyer with abandon, but you should be gentle when mocking the common man. If you seem mean-spirited, if you take cheap shots, we aren't so willing to laugh. 3. The funniest people don't guffaw at their own jokes or wave big "look at how funny I am" banners over their heads. Nothing kills a joke more than the joke teller slamming a bony elbow into your ribs, winking, and shouting, 'Was that funny, or what?' Subtlety is your most effective tool. (Dinty W. Moore, Crafting the Personal Essay: A Guide for Writing and Publishing Creative Nonfiction . Writer's Digest Books, 2010)
Finding a Title for a Humorous Essay "Whenever I've written, say, a humorous essay (or what I think passes as a humorous essay), and I can't come up with any title at all that seems to fit the piece, it usually means the piece hasn't really congealed as it should have. The more I unsuccessfully cast about for a title that speaks to the point of the piece, the more I realize that maybe, just maybe, the piece doesn't have a single, clear point. Maybe it's grown too diffuse, or it rambles around over too much ground. What did I think was so funny in the first place?" (Robert Masello, Robert's Rules of Writing . Writer's Digest Books, 2005)
Appeal to Humor as Fallacy
Definition and Examples of Formal Essays
Understanding Organization in Composition and Speech
Mark Twain: His Life and His Humor
Humor and Violence in Flannery O'Connor's 'A Good Man Is Hard to Find'
Definition and Examples of Anticlimax in Rhetoric
What Is a Personal Essay (Personal Statement)?
How to Write a Personal Narrative
Definition and Examples of Narratives in Writing
Definition and Examples of a Transition in Composition
Yes, There Are Chemistry Jokes and They Are Funny
What the @#$%&! Is a Grawlix?
Point of View in Grammar and Composition
"Grace" and "Gracia" Are Derived From the Same Root
Analysis of The Bear Came Over the Mountain by Alice Munro

Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 177 Writing & Speech Ideas

Every one of us needs a little bit of laughter in our lives. In the academic world, working on a persuasive essay on a fun topic is one of the best ways to enjoy paper writing. By discussing something entertaining, you can connect with your reader on a more personal level.

If your readers or audience are enjoying themselves, it will be much easier to get their attention and impress them. This is the primary goal of a persuasive essay or a speech.

Coming up with a fun persuasive speech topic is often challenging for students. After all, most of their assignments tend to be more serious and informative. We understand this concern – and we want to help!

Our team has created an ultimate list of funny persuasive essay topics. You will find plenty of examples and prompts that you can use in your work. We have also included useful advice on how to find ideas for a paper. And check out our guide to making your speech or writing fun.

✨ Top Fun Topics
🧨 How to Find Topics
🌧 Topics on Ecology
🎭 Topics on Culture
⚖ Topics on Laws
💞 Topics on Love
🌭 Topics on Food
🍎 For Elementary Students
🏫 For Middle Schoolers
🗓 For High Schoolers
☕ For College Students
👩‍🏫 Making It Funny

✨ Top 10 Fun Persuasive Speech Topics

Fast food – it’s not that bad!
Education – students deserve a stipend.
Recycling – does it work?
Veganism – everyone should go vegan!
Homework – we don’t need it!
Writing – keeping a journal is great.
Mental health – best way to cure phobias.
Money- it can buy happiness!
Taxes – classes for high school students.
Alcohol – worse than drugs!

🧨 How to Find Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Try not to look only for persuasive topics that are funny. Search for the ones that aim to impress your audience. How do you choose the right one?

Determine an engaging subject area

Choose something thought-provoking, so you and your audience can have fun discussing. It is an essential thing to start with.

Get some ideas

Use lists on the Internet or have an ideation session. After picking your subject, start brainstorming for ideas. Ask for help from your friends and family or look at our list of suggested amazing topics! Look at some essay samples , too. They can be a great source of inspiration and fresh ideas.

Consider what interests you in particular

Find something that is going to be entertaining for the target audience and, most importantly, yourself. It is a significant advantage if the topic you are talking about is personally interesting to you.

Think whether you have anything to say

Choose an entertaining topic you will be able to talk about. Having an opinion about your subject is crucial, but stay open-minded for a discussion.

Research for possible arguments

Analyze what evidence and facts you can find on the Internet. Speculate on the arguments for and against your topic before writing. To include them in your paper, you need to ensure their high quality.

Exclude useless ideas from your list

Avoid using thoughts that do not correlate with your subject. If they are contradictory or there is simply not enough data on them, throw them away. Choosing the right ones will save you a lot of time.

Pick the one

After applying all of the tips listed above, do not hesitate to pick the one idea you prefer the most. Take a look at the list below to find impressive and interesting writing & speech topics!

Know your audience to find the most impressive persuasive essay topic.

🎇 A List of 103 Funny Persuasive Topics

Under this subheading, we have created an ultimate list of fun persuasive writing topics. There are five main themes with various ideas for your paper/speech.

🌧 Funny Persuasive Topics on Ecology

Solar energy harvesting should be obligatory for every citizen.
Water is going to be the most valuable resource in the future .
We should teach the baby boomer generation about climate change.
Can owls be domesticated?
The sewage system is the most useful creation of urban ecology.
Natural environments occur heterogeneously or exhibit patchiness .
Is ecotourism better than the regular one?
If humans had not discovered agriculture, our world would be completely different today.
Overpopulation has severe effects on the environment .
Biowaste is an excellent source of alternative energy.
Can donating have a more significant impact than recycling?
We should ban the usage of plastic bags altogether.
Many of our environmental problems today come from human greediness.
The most dangerous creature in the world is…a mosquito.
Natural science can be fun if taught the right way.
Deep-sea creatures have a completely different lifestyle from regular ones .
A big pandemic can reduce the level of global death statistics.
Both renewable and non-renewable electricity sources produce pollution .
Global warming is a straight ticket to economic and geopolitical problems.
Some animal zoos are no better than jail for humans.
Unsustainable tourism can deeply hurt our environment .
Animals understand nature better than we do.
Why should we be more conscious of domestic water usage?

Climate change, and the more extreme weather that comes with it, means that water supply is becoming more unpredictable than in years gone by.

🎭 Funny Persuasive Topics about Culture

Talk shows should be banned from television.
The toxicity in social media should be punished by law.
The Hollywood dream is fake.
People in Western culture are obsessed with their looks .
Should we stay off Facebook?
Materialistic ideas heavily influence the nation of UAE .
How would the Buddhist monk react to your shopping habits?
Love portrayal in movies is far from reality.
Why are dads in sitcoms so childish sometimes?
Studying a nation’s pop culture is a great way to learn about its people’s values and beliefs.
The expression of love is different in every culture .
Beauty pageants are sexist towards women.
Our culture changed drastically with the advancement of technology .
A controversial public figure will get more media attention than a “quiet” one.
White people tend to appropriate black culture .
Modern social standards have a direct connection with our pop culture.
Smoking is a big part of our culture .
How do you make everyone want to befriend you?
Celebrity idolization is pad practice.
People are easily offended nowadays, but they have every right to feel so.

⚖ Funny Persuasive Topics on Laws

The absence of gun control laws is the ultimate example of democracy in the United States.
Taxes for individual businesses should not exist.
The government should increase corporation taxation.
Lottery wars are a real thing .
Do female criminal gangs exist ?
Honking in a traffic jam should be considered criminal.
Online gambling is getting out of control .
Why pay bills when you can live in the wilderness?
Gun ownership should be illegal for people under the age of 21.
Marijuana usage should be legal worldwide.
America is misled about its rights to freedom of speech .
We should contribute more to avoiding wars and international conflicts.
International law is not really a law .
Racial profiling is not an effective way of police work.
The war on drugs has been the longest in US history.

💞 Funny Persuasive Topics on Relationships

Creativity and dishonesty have a lot of things in common in a relationship .
Your boyfriend should not be your reason to cry.
What does not affect a child’s psychology?
The couples’ therapy does not work.
LGBT community confronts outdated conventions of society .
What should be considered a family?
The long-distance relationship is the worst kind of relationship.

Distance prevents constricted intimacy from forming in a meaningful way.

There should be boundaries in a marriage .
Stop viewing relationships as a game.
A mother-child relationship starts before that child is born .
After a failed relationship, a simple conversation is sometimes better than finger-pointing.
Can love between two people last forever?
Online dating is worse than the real one.
Rich couples have lower divorce rates .
If you cannot respect your partner, you deserve to be alone.
What is the proper way to ask a girl out on a date?
How do you balance work and family ?
Sometimes communication just does not work if you like someone. You need to take action.
Honesty could ruin a good relationship.
How to talk to your crush if you have anxiety?
If you are having seconds thoughts about a date – cancel it.
Choose your clothes carefully for the first date.
The flirting ideal is different for males and females .

🌭 Funny Persuasive Topics about Food

Junk food is not actually that bad for you.
Why is food in Mexico so spicy ?
Ramen is the greatest creation of humanity.

Instant ramen was Japan's top invention of the 20th century.

Fish is the most valuable food resource for humans .
A vegan diet could kill you.
Your fresh meat from a local store is, in fact, not fresh.
Hotpot is a new trend for restaurants worldwide .
Farms use a lot of illegal methods to increase their production.
Food science saves our lives daily.
Curry is perfect for your health .
Yogurt is the best among fermented foods.
Sustainable food allowed our civilization to thrive.
The fast-food business model’s primary aim is profit, not food.
Opening a Halal restaurant is a profitable business model .
Are we supposed to believe nutrition facts on packages?
America developed its way of dining out .
Globalization plays a significant role in a country’s food culture .
Some things to do when you are offered food you don’t like.
Ketchup can improve the taste of every dish.
Are men better chefs than women?
Technology has drastically changed the way we eat.
Mediterranean cuisine is the best cuisine in the world.

😂 Persuasive Essay Topics: Funny for Whom?

This chapter is going to list funny persuasive topics for people of different age groups. However, remember that humor is a very subjective thing. Each and one of us (no matter the age) has different mentality and ideals.

We are going to try and speculate what funny things are worthy of discussion for each generation. Let’s go!

🍎 Funny Persuasive Topics for Elementary Students

We should ban adult news and leave only cartoons on TV.
Schools should include computer games classes in their program.
Our schools should do activities more often, such as camping and excursions.
Chocolate awards are the best demonstration of the teacher’s appreciation.
A school classroom should have more toys.
A lunch box is the most valuable thing in our backpacks.
Writing an email requires concentrated group work.
Teachers should have more rest from their pupils.
Your yearly achievements should be read aloud by your parents.
Homework is useless for elementary students.
A pack of gum is more valuable than money.
School cafeterias should be banned for their lack of good food.
Family is the primary source of happiness in our lives.
Collecting certain things is an excellent way to become popular in school.
Domestic robots are going to make us lazy.

🏫 Funny Persuasive Topics for Middle Schoolers

Middle school is the place where students are only beginning to get acquainted with world realities. They form new relationships, discover sports, drama clubs, start new adventures, etc. First gossips and rumors spread. Middle school is also the first place where students first face bullying.

Here are some topics for this generation:

Teachers should allow students to express themselves freely in middle school.
We should ban books and only use iPads in classes.
Public schools should be administered wiser .
The efficiency of children’s literacy development must be increased .
Building new relationships is the best thing about middle school.
Every school has one craziest school story.
Do boys gossip more than girls?

The only thing you think about during classes is song lyrics.
7th grade is the time when you start having crushes.
It is impossible to order at McDonald’s without staying “Ummm.”
Teachers are the biggest motivators for students .
Pen clicking is the most annoying thing during a test.
Finding old pictures of yourself is the worst thing ever.
According to teachers, grades are more important than your emotional and physical health.
In middle school, you learn to hate people truly.
They tell us sleep is essential, so why do the classes start early?

🗓 Funny Persuasive Topics for High Schoolers

This period is filled with excitement and many adventures. At the same time, students experience too much stress and anxiety. The finals, prom, separation from their parents, college, and adult life are looming.

Don’t neglect your teachers; they should become your friends in the last year.
Don’t like Shakespeare? Study him even more !
Why is math so complicated in high school?
“The Epic of Gilgamesh” is the best piece of literature studied in high school .
Watching Ted Talks is better than studying.
We should live according to the rules of High School Musical .
Yearbook quotes are the reason why we go to high school.
Senior high school students experience more stress in the last year than all the previous ones combined.
Graduation is the happiest moment of your life.
The concept of a zombie comes from Haitian culture , but it blooms in every high school.
Waiting for a letter from a college is the most stressful thing during high school.
There should be a gap year after high school to decide your future.
Job interviews for high schoolers should be banned.
Why is it so stressful to ask a person on a prom date?
Monday classes should not exist.
Household rules could tell a lot about someone’s family.

☕ Funny Persuasive Topics for College Students

Almost anyone could say that college is the most fun period in their lives. You can have independence, crazy parties, new relationships, etc. At the same time, college students have to get used to a different lifestyle living away from parents.

College students are the best procrastinators.
Fast food is bad for your mental health.

Eating lots of fast food significantly increased perceived mental distress.

You have to get a job in college.
How do I not go broke in college?
Doing your laundry is a waste of time.
Parents can still control you even in college.
Fraternities are not so cool anymore.
If you want better grades, try to understand your professor.
Is attending college worth it ?
College jokes are the best.
College students are the best liars.
Memes is a fantastic stress reliever.
The hypocrisy levels of professors are sometimes unbearable.
What is the best hobby one could have in college?
Adults can attend college, and we should support it.
Colleges should be mandatory .
Coffee is your best friend in college.

👩‍🏫 Guide to Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

So, you have already chosen your idea from our funny persuasive topics list. However, you also have to make sure that your speech or essay correlates with it.

Watch how professional speakers deliver their persuasive speeches.

Here’s a guide just for that:

Think of your audience . What age group is going to listen to you or read your persuasive essay? What humor would they appreciate? This tip is an essential part of your success.
Evaluate whether a humorous approach can contribute to the success of your essay or speech. Your final goal is to persuade. If jokes here and there will only interfere with your objective, don’t incorporate them.
Consider your strengths . You’ve probably used humor before in your daily conversations. Which jokes were successful? Are you good at relatable comedy or anecdotes? Looking for an impressive funny topic, you have to take your skills into account. Otherwise, even the hilarious idea will fail. Always keep practicing.
Try different techniques . If you’re good at various types of humor or at least willing to attempt, use a few methods. Storytelling, anecdotes, tags, ambiguity, self-deprecation—the list goes on! Try different approaches not to become predictable. Check online sources that speak on the many humor techniques.
Use expressive yet simple language . It’s hard to laugh when you’re trying to understand what the author intended to say. If you are struggling with word transparency, check your dictionary for synonyms.
Don’t forget to pause . Doesn’t matter whether you write or speak—give your reader or listener time to prepare for the next joke. Effective spaces between comedic moments are essential not to turn your persuasive speech into a standup. Throwing too many jokes around does not work. Aim for quality over quantity.
Practice the jokes on your close ones. Try to find the age group similar to your future audience and ask for their opinion. Then you’ll be able to polish and improve your humor. Both essay writing and public speaking require some practice.

That is everything you need to know about funny persuasive writing topics! We thank you for taking the time to read our article. If you liked it, share it with your friends to help them find information on the subject.

🔗 References

414 Funny and Humorous Speech Topics [Persuasive, Informative, Impromptu]: My Speech Class
4 Steps to Finding a Speech Topic that Clicks: Michelle Mazur, Communication Rebel
How to Use Humor Effectively in Speeches: Write Out Loud
How to Add Power or Humor with the Rule of Three: Andrew Dlugan, Six Minutes
7 Tips on Writing an Effective Essay: The Fastweb Team
Introductions and Conclusions: Writing Advice, University of Toronto
College Essay Examples How to Write Your Story Best Colleges: Josh Moody, US News
Essays That Worked: John Hopkins University
How To Write A Persuasive Essay: Writing Guides, Ultius
Tips To Write An Effective Persuasive Essay: Dr. Michael W. Kirst, The College Puzzle
Share via Facebook
Share via Twitter
Share via LinkedIn
Share via email

Museum of Jokes

Essay Jokes

What do you call a mexican midget.

A paragraph, because he is not a full essay.

Why was the Mexican called a paragraph?

Because he was to short to be called an essay

What do you call a baby Mexican?

A paragraph because he's not quite an essay (ese)

Why did the mexican girl get pregnant?

Because her teacher told her to do an essay

How did the white girl get pregnant?

Her teacher told her to do an essay. (ese)

What do you call a midget mexican?

A paragraph since he isn't a full essay

What do you call a little Mexican?

A paragraph. Because he's not quite an essay.

Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph?

because he's too short to be called an essay.

Why do the homies call their friend Paragraph?

Because he's too short to be an essay

What is a Latino gang member's favorite type of exam?

What do mexicans write in school.

The Ultimate Dad Joke Book: 501 Hilarious Puns, Funny One Liners and Clean Cheesy Dad Jokes for Kids (Gifts for Dad)

Why did a Mexican girl get pregnant?

She was told to do an essay in school.

What do you call a Mexican little person?

A paragraph because he isn't a full ese (essay)...

Why did the 16 year old Mexican girl get pregnant?

Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.

Why did the Mexican fail English 101?

He wouldn't turn in his essay

What did the mexican student say when he was asked to turn in his essay?

I ain't no snitch.

What do the 12th of July and the end of an essay have in common?

They're both summary!

Where does Chewbacca research his college essays?

Wookiepedia

Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant?

Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

Why are Hispanic dwarves called Paragraphs?

They're too short to be called Essays.

What do you call a little Mexican child?

A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay.

Dad Jokes for New Dads: The Ultimate New Dad Gift to Embarrass Your Kids Early with 500+ Jokes! (World's Best Dad Jokes Collection)

What do you call a Spanish midget?

A paragraph. Because he's not a full essay.

How did the prof get the latin college girl pregnant?

He asked her to do an essay. Also, I'm latin

What did the spanish teacher say to his one student, who was a member of the cartel?

Where is my essay?

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

How do you write an essay that blows people away?

With lots of drafts

Why did the Mexican school girl get pregnant?

Here teacher said to go home and do her "essay".

What did the Mexican student write his essay about?

Life outside of prison.

What do you call an essay in a flash drive???

who wants 2 try?

What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?

Why was the student witch so bad at essays.

Because she couldn't spell properly.

The World's Greatest Dad Jokes: The Complete Collection (The Heirloom Edition): Over 500 Cringe-Worthy Puns and One-Liners

You might also enjoy:

What did the black mother name her 5 daughters.

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart She called them by their last names!

Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside?

Because you already know who it's isss! My little sister told me this joke.

What did Justin Beiber say to his teacher?

What do you mean?

How much is half of 8?

Pupil: Up and down or across Teacher: What do you mean Pupil: Well up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!

What are some really stupid jokes?

One I know is this: Spanish teacher: Kids, what is the ellos/ellas form of the verb sacar Students: Sacan Spanish teacher: SACAN DEEZ NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the criminal get released from prison after he wrote a short essay?

He had served his sentence.

What do a three paragraph term paper and a 5'2" Mexican have in common?

They're both short essays.

Why can't you wear shorts in the Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout...

When is the only time when No shirt no shorts no shoes gets you service?

If you're a surfer and you're getting head.

How is Game of Thrones going to end?

With fade out and to credits.

Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?

They heard there was water at the end

How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?

Just wait. They'll tell you.

What is the best part about showering with a 14 year old girl?

If you slick her hair back just right, she looks nine!

Why is English such a hard language to learn?

Because it's

Why wasn't Boy George any good at English?

because he always put 5 commas before chameleon.

Calculate for all schools

Your chance of acceptance, your chancing factors, extracurriculars, funny college essay examples.

I've heard that humor can be a great way to stand out in the college application process. Does anyone have any examples of funny college essays that actually worked? I'd love to see how other students have successfully infused humor into their writing.

I agree that humor can be an effective way to stand out in the college application process, particularly in essays. For examples, take a look at this blog post from CollegeVine: https://blog.collegevine.com/should-you-be-funny-in-your-college-essay#examples

I'll also share some ways to effectively incorporate your humorous side based on what I've observed:

1. Self-deprecation: Making light of your own quirks or weaknesses can be endearing and show humility. For example, you might write about your inability to dance, but how you proudly own it at every school dance or social event for the greater good of everyone's entertainment.

2. Wordplay and puns: Witty wordplay can be an entertaining way to liven up your essay. For instance, suppose you're writing about your experience in a baking club. You could use phrases like "taking a whisk on new recipes," "rolling in dough," or "serving up pun-derfully delicious treats."

3. Unexpected twists: Surprise your reader by setting up an ordinary situation and then taking it in an unexpected direction. For instance, you may write about joining your school's running club to improve your speed, only to discover that your real talent was in motivating and supporting your teammates as their self-appointed cheerleader.

4. Hyperbole: Exaggerating aspects of your story can create humorous effects. If you're writing about the challenge of organizing a club event, you could playfully describe the arduous hours you spent negotiating with your school's administration as an "epic battle of wills" or compare securing the necessary equipment and resources to "assembling a fleet to conquer the seven seas."

Remember, while humor can be a useful tool, it's important to strike a balance with the tone of your essay. Use humor strategically and remember that the primary purpose of your essay is to showcase your personality, values, and achievements. Humor should augment your narrative, not overshadow it. Good luck, and happy writing!

About CollegeVine’s Expert FAQ

CollegeVine’s Q&A seeks to offer informed perspectives on commonly asked admissions questions. Every answer is refined and validated by our team of admissions experts to ensure it resonates with trusted knowledge in the field.

How to write a joke

By BBC Maestro Comedy Last updated: 14 November 2023

Share Share this page

Are you trying your hand at joke writing? Coming up with something funny can feel like an enormous pressure, especially if you’re new to stand-up or comedy writing.

But never fear – like most types of writing, there’s a reassuring amount of structure and technique that goes into writing a joke, which breaks the process down and makes it far less daunting. All you have to do is find an original take on a topic. In this article, we break down how to write a joke, giving you an insight into what’s beneath the bonnet of a polished comedy routine.

What makes a good joke?
Joke structure

Elements of a joke

Different types of jokes
Write a joke in 6 steps

What makes a good joke?

At its simplest, a good joke should make you laugh, and its humour usually lies in the element of surprise. The content can be anything: observations on everyday life, politics, family, animals. Then, the comedian takes this topic and makes it unexpected. A surprise, twist or subversion is what will bring the laughs, so play around with your theme until you find something unique and unexpected about it. We’ve all heard the phrase, “It’s the way you tell ‘em!” Yes, the joke lives or dies on its delivery; but in order for it to be greeted with laughs and whoops (or wry smiles, depending on the demographic), it has to be well-written in the first place. The perfect joke is a combination of strong content and excellent delivery. The performance needs pace and timing, with a punchline that’s delivered with suitable aplomb. If it suits the delivery, you can add elements of physical comedy, too. While you’re planning and writing new material, always keep one thing in mind – surprise! Your joke needs to be a well-told story that finishes on a surprising plot twist.

Joke structure

Most jokes follow the same pattern. Here’s the simplest joke-writing formula:

It looks so simple when you see it written down like that, doesn’t it? A quick Q&A-style joke won’t even have the middle section. However, as any joke writer will tell you, having a simple formula doesn’t make it any easier. In the setup, you have to introduce the character(s) and scenario, and if these don’t make sense, neither will the punchline. The punchline itself is the original mic-drop moment. Your audience is stunned by this perfectly delivered plot twist, before bursting into laughter and applause. So what comes in the middle? With a longer story, you can pepper the joke with smaller sub-jokes, sometimes called bits or jabs. Think of a long routine, like Sir Billy’s famous Wildebeest anecdote. There’s a lot going on here, with plenty of jokes en-route to the main punchline. It can help if you understand where a joke fits into the typical comedy set. The set is the whole show, and it’s generally made up from a series of routines. These routines consist of a series of related jokes, which have their own punchlines, but are part of a wider routine. A longer joke will even have its own “bits”, as we just mentioned. Comedy may feel anarchic, but it’s actually extremely structured.

Within this structure, a good joke will feature several narrative elements. It helps when you’re writing jokes to remember that each one is a story – yes, even the humble knock-knock joke is a little narrative. What elements do you need to consider when writing your joke?

Character. Who’s the subject of your joke? You (or a version of you)? A politician? Someone you observed in the supermarket? Your cat? Just make sure that your subject is never a victim and that you’re not “punching down” (being superior about someone with less power than yourself. Punching up is regarded as fine: politicians and authority figures are expected to be able to take it).
Setting. Where does the action take place? (An easy one to answer if you actually are writing a knock-knock joke.)
Plot. Remember your high school essays: you need a beginning, a middle and an end to your joke.
Conflict. There needs to be some sort of tension for the story to exist in the first place, and this comedic conflict is what makes the punchline so powerful.
Resolution. The punchline, which needs to subvert expectations and deliver a surprise.

Different types of jokes

Jokes come in all shapes and sizes, from sharp one-liners to wonderfully winding anecdotes. The structure and elements apply to most types of joke. Here are a few different types of joke to think about: what heading does yours fit under?

Observational . This is comedy that starts with everyday life, but gives it a unique take. The audience is brought in with something relatable, then the surprise comes when the normal is subverted. Think Eddie Izzard’s cats drilling for oil, or Bill Bailey’s take on shopping at Argos. Jimmy Carr, Jo Brand and Jerry Seinfeld all base their routines around observational jokes, and here’s the much-missed Sean Lock on living alone .
Anecdotal . You’re in the hands of an expert raconteur here, like the late, great Dave Allen or our Maestro Sir Billy Connolly. Anecdotal humour can be a great starting place for a rookie writer: as Billy says, writing about yourself can create something that’s “magical”, for both you and your audience, plus you’re less likely to forget it. British anecdotal humour is quite often self-deprecating, too.
Character. A joke can be based around a character, or written for a character. Some comedians perform as personas, so the routine is written for the character rather than the performer. The lines can get blurred between performer and performance: see characters such as Keith Lemon, Ali G, Alan Partridge and Mrs Merton
Topical. These jokes are about politics and current affairs, so you really don’t have long to get these written and out there before the joke becomes last week’s news. You’ll most often hear topical jokes on weekly panel shows and in the opening monologues of late night talk shows.
One liners. These single-sentence jokes can be tricky to get right, because there’s little room for riffing and every word matters. Billy Connolly may be best-known for his long, tangential jokes, but check out his one-liners, too, like:

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only man ever named after three sheepdogs.

Along with some wise life advice:

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.

Write a joke in 6 steps

Now we know the structure and parts of a joke, it’s time to put one together in 6 easy steps.

Research your material If you know your theme or topic, brainstorm and make notes. Watch your favourite comedians for inspiration (try to evaluate their work critically, as well as enjoying it). You can simply sit outside at a café for a while, observing the ebb and flow of people and noting anything that sparks your imagination.
Structure your joke Begin to build your joke, using the formula, elements and types we’ve looked at. Write the punchline first, then make sure the set-up does its job correctly.
Add the jab lines and asides What detail (if any) needs to go into the body of the joke? Do you need a series of mini jokes to keep things lively as you work towards the grand finale?
Edit your joke Be harsh. Even a long joke shouldn’t contain unnecessary elements, and you can bet that the classic long monologues from old-school comedians like Ronnie Corbett and Jethro were mercilessly pruned by someone at some point. You need to set the pace, and there’s a difference between the semblance of fireside rambling and simply going on a bit.
Test and refine your joke Trying out your shiny new joke in front of friends and family is on a par with your first club gig (well, almost). Take a deep breath and ask your audience to listen then feed back. Take their feedback on board, and use this to keep refining your writing.
Practice, practice, practice When you’ve finished using your mates as guinea pigs and you think your joke is “there”, practise it. Make sure you’re happy with your delivery and timing before you set your joke free into the world.

What if you’re writing a joke for someone else to perform? The same process applies until the end, when ideally, you need to hear them deliver it. You may get the chance to change it to suit their idiom, or they may want to do that themselves. As you’ll learn on his BBC Maestro course, Sir Billy’s 20+ minute-long Last Supper / Crucifixion routine started with a short joke that a friend shared with him. What’s Billy’s advice for would-be joke writers? Write down everything that might be a joke. Don’t be fussy. Start by writing about yourself. Try to keep a comedy journal for a week or so. Jot down anything funny you observe or any puns or phrases that pop into your head. The dog does something amusing? Write it down. Something on the news have the potential for a satirical piece? Again, make a note. What if you get stuck? Don’t worry – we all get writers’ block sometimes. Talk to a comedian or writer friend, because sometimes just chatting can loosen the flow again. Go for a walk – just get a change of scene and some air. If you need a prompt, pick a topic, any topic. Challenge yourself to come up with at least one funny line about that topic before your next cup of coffee. Joke written, it’s time to learn how to perform it. Before you take to the stage, read our article on how to tell a joke , because as we know, the writing is only half of the joke’s story.

Do you want to know more about writing and delivering your own comedy material? Pick up tips from The Big Yin himself in his BBC Maestro comedy course .

See more courses

Sir tim rice.

Stage your own production

Richard Greene

Overcome your fear of public speaking with Richard Greene

Carol Ann Duffy

Find your poetic voice

Sir Billy Connolly

Learn comedy from the only man qualified to teach it.

Lee Child

Make a career out of writing novels.

Alan Moore

Write magical fiction and equip yourself for a writing career.

Jed Mercurio

Create your own incredible TV series.

Gary Barlow

Build a song from scratch, whatever the genre!

Mo Gawdat

Learn new ways of thinking for a happier life

Jojo Moyes

Create characters worth falling for

A collection of BBC Maestri including Julia Donaldson, Alan Moore and Edgar Wright displayed alongside some gift boxes with orange bows

Give the gift of knowledge

Surprise a special someone with a year's access to BBC Maestro or gift them a single course.

Thanks for signing up to receive your free lessons

Check your inbox - they’re on the way!

Oops! Something went wrong

Please try again later

Get started with free lessons

Unlock your passion, sign up today

By joining the mailing list I consent to my personal data being processed by Maestro Media in accordance with the privacy notice .

Add Project Key Words

Funny Personal Statements: How to Use Humor in Your College Application

James Eimers

June 16, 2017

The Art of Writing Funny Personal Statements: How to Use Humor in Your College Application

When 650 words or fewer play a critical role in determining where you’ll pursue your degree, it’s hard to think of admissions essays as anything other than serious business.

With such a small space to give admissions officers a glimpse into who you are and why you’d be a great addition to a given school, it’s always tempting to paint a professional, straight-laced picture of yourself; after all, what school wouldn’t want a mature student highly focused on academic success?

Indeed, for some students, this might be a completely reasonable approach to the Common App personal statement . However, as with many things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all strategy when it comes to admissions essays, and it’s important to take a step back and recall their purpose. Test scores, grades, and letters of recommendation all play an important and informative role in the application process, but none allow you to present yourself in your own words—that’s the beauty of the admissions essays.

There are as many approaches and possible answers to essay questions as there are applicants, including those with a keen sense of humor. Admissions readers count on this because, aside from assembling an incoming class that meets the academic profile of their schools, they hope to admit interesting students with diverse talents who will enrich the educational and life experience of those around them. As a result, even though it feels a bit untraditional, letting your personality—including your sense of humor—shine through your essays can be an excellent way to create a memorable application.

Although humor can go a long way to demonstrating an applicant’s creativity and personality, this doesn’t mean that the approach will work for everyone. It actually can be a common personal statement mistake to try and use humor. Funny personal statements can definitely pack a punch, but they're difficult to do well. When writing what I call a “humorous/offbeat” admissions essay, there are a few key concepts to keep in mind.

Remember that humor itself should never be the main point of the essay. It’s perfectly acceptable to make your reader smile or even laugh out loud, but only in the course of telling a story that reveals something important about yourself. In other words, ensure that you use humor only as a device to highlight or enhance the underlying substance or reflective nature of your essay. Funny personal statements are effective only in showing the personal qualities of the writer at the same time.

You should never force humor into your essays, even when attempting funny personal statements . It is an unfortunate truth of life that making others laugh does not come naturally to all of us, so the offbeat/humor essay might not be an option for everyone. Admissions essays should indicate who you really are; forced humor that falls flat will indeed leave a memorable impression, but for all the wrong reasons.

When writing funny personal statements , the peer-review process becomes even more important than it already is. Humor is subjective by nature, so before clicking “submit” on your applications, make sure that a wide variety of people in your life (friends, parents, and teachers) have read your essays. If all your readers think your essay is appropriate and lighthearted, you’ve likely composed an essay with humor that will land well with an admissions office. If not, it might be time to go back to the drawing board.

When done correctly, f unny personal statements can be extremely effective. One of the best essays I’ve ever read followed this formula: Rife with stories about fanciful white lies he had told others over the years, this student’s essay at first seemed risky. Why reveal to an admissions office the fact that you have, at times, stretched the truth?

However, the student soon made it clear that stretching the truth in his younger days was in fact an early manifestation of his larger desire to tell stories—he wanted to study creative writing and ultimately become an author. His past storytelling revealed much about his creative character and also the fact that, although he had done quite well in school, he didn’t take himself too seriously while doing so. Ultimately, the student was admitted to a number of top schools.

I’ll leave you with some final tips to review when thinking about using humor in your admissions essays:

Stay away from potentially controversial topics—at best, you will demonstrate a lack of self-awareness, and at worst you might personally offend the admissions reader. Again, peer review your humor before submitting!
The humor should be original. By writing funny personal statements , you are illustrating the fact that you are a creative student with a good sense of humor—recycling humor falls short here.
You can use humor in many different types of essays, but remember that the humor should be added only after you already know what story you want to tell; humor alone should never be the substance of your essay.
Subtle humor can often make a stronger impression than can loud, straightforward humor.

Tags : applying to college , college application essay , college admissions essay , college personal statement , Personal Statement , essay , College

Schedule a free consultation

to find out how we can help you get accepted.

Writers on Writing

An unfunny essay about humor.

Mike Scalise

When anyone asks me what I think is funny in literature, I immediately send them to Matthew Klam’s short story “Issues I Dealt With In Therapy,” which is not a funny story, until, finally, it very much is.

“Issues” takes place over the course of a wedding weekend “on a preppy East Coast resort island,” and follows the conflicted monologue of the best man, who swings hard between pride and debilitating resentment at the success of the groom, his grad school friend Bob, a DC operative in line for a top gig advising then-Vice President Al Gore. Throughout “Issues” Gore’s aides flank the wedding events in a nerve-racking pack, “wearing hairbands, talking on cell phones,” raising the potential for a visit from Gore himself, while our poor narrator—aimless, struggling in his relationships—sinks into the kind of single-serving, existential dread spiral that weddings can uniquely trigger. “He needed somebody to be his friend,” the narrator says about Bob, “to help him grasp what he’d become, but I also got the feeling he went in and out of remembering I was there.”

It’s a story, largely, about the flattening feeling of futility in the face of someone else’s upward trajectory—which, as I write this I realize is not a hilarious concept, and not really that new. But the story’s humor works precisely because of that familiarity, which Klam understands, and is patient enough with to finally turn on its side in a brilliant way.

Very often, the most effective humor in writing doesn’t come from a clever concept, or a turn of phrase, or a one-liner, or a bit of killer dialogue. Instead, it comes from the manipulation of carefully built structures, from the ways in which you introduce well known patterns, then undermine those patterns with revealing character action. I’m thinking here of Susanna Kaysen’s deadpan, yet hilariously dark conversations with her suicide counselor in Girl, Interrupted , or Tom Mota slicing up his business casual shirt and slacks as he enters a near-layoff crackup in Joshua Ferris’s Then We Came to the End . Or it’s Louis CK, on stage, pleading the very careful case that, based on common evidence, his four-year-old is an asshole. Each of these artists finds a way to present a rote human experience in a way we understand—discussions with medical professionals, the workplace, raising a child—and then suddenly deflate that understanding. The humor, in these cases, isn’t cosmetic. It’s a structural concern. It’s built into the foundation of a story, a slow construction of tension and release. And it often depends on cultural scripts like the one Matthew Klam plays with in “Issues”—the tried and true template of the early thirties, wedding dread spiral.

And what does Klam do with that script? He follows it to its most logical endpoint: the wedding toast, a hallmark so ripe with expectation that Klam’s able to put his narrator in a position to surprise even himself. “You’ve had a lot of jobs, Bob,” says the narrator, legs heavy and nervous, Al Gore’s team looking on. “You’re smart. Very smart.” Crickets. Awkwardness. And then, finally, as he mutters and fails to recall one of Bob’s ample successes—we’ve seen this all before, right?—we get this:

“Why couldn’t I have been at some loser’s wedding right now?” he says. “I wouldn’t have to remember so much. Can’t you stop and give somebody else a chance, for Christ’s sake?”

From there, the crowd loosens, and the toast unspools for the narrator in such a funny, fraught, yet electric way that owes everything to the slow construction of tensions and familiarities that came before it. I won’t ruin it for you—please, read this story yourself—but it ends with the narrator calling his old friend a “fat, pusillanimous, popcorn eating” lackey to a roaring crowd convinced it’s a loving roast. Bob, though, knows better, and as a result, our narrator realizes he probably won’t be meeting the Vice President of the United States that weekend, or seeing his old friend again.

I thought of Klam’s story often when it came time to write my memoir, which was, admittedly, about a very unfunny experience: a lifelong hormone illness I was diagnosed with at twenty-four. But I didn’t remember it that way. There were funny moments, and I wanted to write about them. It wasn’t until I began reading writers like Matthew Klam that I realized how to do that. The story of my illness was loaded with rote experiences—trips to doctors and weddings, jobs at offices—and at each one my illness proved, sometimes in very funny ways, to be a wholly destabilizing force. The fun (and, hopefully funny) part became determining why, then writing directly into the breakdowns.

About this series

Essays on craft by celebrated authors and editors.

Discover Our Fiction, Essays & More

layer cake by jennifer-pallian-8Jg4U4xHu-o-unsplash

Building Characters is a Piece of (Layer) Cake

Writing and Madness

Essential Books for Writers

Think Outside the Book

When Working on Your Writing Doesn't Look Like Writing

From Scratch

Interviewing for Fiction

The Writer's Trove

Something to Do with Work as Play: David Foster Wallace and “The Nature of the Fun”

Keeping Up the Pace

Scenes & Summary

Say Yes to Obsession

How to Steal Stuff

Writing to the Tension

How Walter White Can Make You a Better Writer

Inventing Time

Three-Dimensional Writing

How to Get Out of the Slush Pile

Playing With Status

Every product was carefully curated by an Esquire editor. We may earn a commission from these links.

Into the World Of the Very Online Dad

Dads who write jokes on the Internet have found a place the rest of us can only dream of: they call it 'the rooms.'

The first time I consciously registered a dad meme online, I was a little embarrassed by how funny I found it. We were still struggling with sleep training a year in, and I was on Instagram trying to ignore the monitor, and a former spin instructor/fellow new parent shared this post that was a picture from a movie of a zombie—clothes in tatters, eyes blank, face bloody— shuffling away from an explosion. The caption was something along the lines of: Dads after the bedtime routine. It was from an account called The Dad, the most prominent aggregator of all things dadness , which had just climbed over two million Instagram followers. The spin instructor had tagged her husband with a string of crying laughing emojis.

It was so nakedly dweeby. But . . . you know . . . it did get at something real. I did feel like that zombie whenever I tiptoed out of my daughter’s room— Dead inside! Ha!

Some seemed to be still obscure, if plucky, but others were, in a way, famous, like a regular dad from Georgia named Simon Holland , who’d accumulated over three quarters of a million Instagram followers, for a daily single-sentence joke about dadlife.

I reached out to dozens of these men, for some reason expecting to be ignored, but many were flattered, or at least bemused, by my interest, and willing to chat. And in every conversation, at some point, talk turns back to the rooms .

Everything, it seems, happens in the rooms —it’s a phrase tossed around by parent content creators the way an AA’er might use it: offhand but full of genuine appreciation. The place where one does the real work.

The work, in this case, is the honing of parenting humor across a variety of platforms—joke tweets (though that’s a drier and drier well), Instagram memework, and now, increasingly and with some trepidation, Tiktok. I’ve been reaching out to any and all of the names I recognize who have made me chuckle or nod at some point in the past couple of years, phone glowing down at my face as both relief and accusation.

Lucas Mann Buy Attachments: Essays on Fatherhood and Other Performances

Really, all the rooms refers to is any number of private DM rooms on each platform, that, if you post parent content long enough, well enough, someone invites you into. It goes way back. When I talk to Mike Julianelle, the man behind the juggernaut Dad and Buried (almost 250,000 followers on Instagram), he remembers that, in what he describes as peak blog era, he was in a closed Facebook group just for dad bloggers that must have had a thousand members (maybe five, he adds, that he’d actually want to hang out with). At its worst, Julianelle says, especially when it’s only dads, these become spaces where everyone wants attention for what they’re doing but don’t want to listen.

More often than not, though, discussion of the rooms is only positive. They bring together really big accounts and those just starting out; mentorship springs up among people who have never met, maybe haven’t seen one another’s faces, couldn’t give you a last name. Shane, who goes by Dad Man Walking, was one of a couple guys who told me he was helped along by Henpecked Hal (another account that, if you’re at all online, you’ve probably come across—avatar is a picture of Al Bundy, tone is one of matching crankiness; his posts have achieved that semi-fame of unattributed ubiquity). So a star like that will be in a room, but also a newbie with three hundred followers who just got noticed. They’re all trying out bits, giving advice, mobilizing to aid one of their own being attacked in the comments.

It’s the hallowed shoptalk table at the back of a comedy club, except virtual and on a Tuesday afternoon, as people are slogging through IT jobs or half watching on the sidelines at soccer practice, and a lot of the time is spent commiserating about earaches. They’re all hovering in some stage of the purgatory between novice and willing to call themselves at least a type of comedian.

They’re all working in a subgenre so narrow in its dictums, its need for brevity and instantly recognizable universality—how many ways can you say, If I wasn’t a parent, I’d probably be happier, but not really ? Or Women have expectations that men fail to live up to ? Or I need caffeine in the morning, booze at night ? They help each other through it.

Simon Holland tells me there’s joke formats within the space that he—not to be bigheaded, just honest—considers his , and they’ve now become repeat viral moments for everyone else.

I ask for an example, and he says, “Okay, so you know the one where it’s like, ‘Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of [insert cool thing] we can [insert awful thing]’?”

Of course I do. A classic.

Well, that’s his from way back. And it’s not like he minds it being public property; it’s just interesting how some people use it so well, find new things in it, whereas most just make it seem, in his words, “kind of mid and played out.”

.css-f6drgc:before{margin:-0.99rem auto 0 -1.33rem;left:50%;width:2.1875rem;border:0.3125rem solid #FF3A30;height:2.1875rem;content:'';display:block;position:absolute;border-radius:100%;} .css-1aglugu{font-family:Lausanne,Lausanne-fallback,Lausanne-roboto,Lausanne-local,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;line-height:1.2;margin:0rem;}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-1aglugu{font-size:1.75rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-1aglugu{font-size:2.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}.css-1aglugu b,.css-1aglugu strong{font-family:inherit;font-weight:bold;}.css-1aglugu em,.css-1aglugu i{font-style:italic;font-family:inherit;}.css-1aglugu:before{content:'＂';display:block;padding:0.3125rem 0.875rem 0 0;font-size:3.5rem;line-height:0.8;font-style:italic;font-family:Lausanne,Lausanne-fallback,Lausanne-styleitalic-roboto,Lausanne-styleitalic-local,Arial,sans-serif;} It’s the hallowed shoptalk table at the back of a comedy club, except virtual and on a Tuesday afternoon, as people are slogging through IT jobs.

Every dad in the space is cultivating a voice just enough his own. And yet, despite the repeat character within these jokes—somewhat emotionally stunted, often wanting nothing more than to be left alone, feeling in petty, compulsive competition with his peers (another Simon Holland banger is the rival dad joke format)—their relationships behind the scenes subvert the stereotype more than perhaps any they’ve ever known.

Henpecked Hal, who tells me his real name is Chris and his Zoom camera isn’t working, says, “In the rooms, we’re as close as you can be without really knowing each other.”

He laughs but says, while it’s weird to acknowledge, he means it. You come in thinking you just want to make your little jokes, get your likes, but eventually, if you stick around, it has to be something more. You’re in these spaces every day with people going through the same stuff, who begin to resemble friends.

He describes the moment he understood the true power of parent jokes online, from way back in the infancy of his posting (2016). He’d begun a list of all the shit that made his toddler cry over the course of two months. He did it, he tells me, because “sometimes I could barely stop laughing, this stuff was so stupid.”

He fit the funniest examples into a tweet, posted, and was shocked when it shot above four hundred thousand likes.

“The thing I realized,” he says, “is I didn’t matter at all. My jokes, the actual shit my kid said—that wasn’t what made it popular. I could see when people were retweeting it, they weren’t saying, ‘Hey this guy’s hilarious,’ they were saying, ‘Check out the replies.’”

All these strangers were bringing their own lives to the bit, their frustrations that either resembled or one-upped Chris’s, or the little oddities they’d forgotten in their own kids and realized they missed. There were a lot of older parents, he says, pining for that particular hysteria of toddlerhood. In the rooms, everyone was chiming in, too, cheering him on.

“It became an open forum,” Chris says. “I just started that forum.”

He describes parent content as a closed loop—any gesture toward specificity is only in service of the invitation for recognition. I guess, in some ways, that’s the concept of all humor, of all art. But there’s something particular to these constraints. I know I’m often still amazed by the tension between how overwhelmingly important I find every detail of my daughter’s life and how they instantly resemble every other parent’s anecdotes. Is that a disappointment? A relief?

For Shane at Dad Man Walking, his popularity escalated during the hardest period of his life. His wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. He was trying to not get fired while handling the homeschooling, while caring for her, while attempting to sublimate his own fear and grief. He was posting through it; he was in the rooms.

“You know,” he says, gesturing to me through the screen, “it’s hard for us guys to say what we’re feeling. I’ve had more guys express what they’re really feeling, I’ve expressed more, in these rooms, than in the entire rest of my life.”

He says this without judgment; it’s plain fact. He was, still is, loath to complain (well, unless it’s for a joke) and even more unwilling to ask for money, but when he unburdened himself in the rooms, he was encouraged to set up a GoFundMe. People shared their own stories and shared the GoFundMe nestled within their jokes. The speed with which the money came in stunned Shane, as did the amount of men he’d never met in his replies and DMs, offering vulnerability along with solidarity. He wrote back.

“Maybe it’s easier,” he says, “if the person you’re talking to doesn’t really know you.”

I’m often still amazed by the tension between how overwhelmingly important I find every detail of my daughter’s life and how they instantly resemble every other parent’s anecdotes. Is that a disappointment? A relief?

I’ll admit that part of me is tempted to frame this all as an easy joke. It fits snugly into the cartoon dichotomy of how a dad story can be told: either stubborn stoicism or the biggest, most obvious emotion. This is the exact curated ratio of the The Dad’s feed—giggle, giggle, giggle, weep. A dude doesn’t think he needs kindness until it smothers him and refuses to relent—Robin Williams whispering It’s not your fault into Matt Damon’s ear in Good Will Hunting .

But, as always, recognizing the joke doesn’t mean I’m not in it. I want to tell Shane that I haven’t found what he has yet. That it’s still enormously difficult for me to be honest with other men, particularly about parenting, like if I’m honest I will have lost at some undefined competition constantly running through my mind. I’m thinking about the first time my dad groupchat approached honesty and how it felt like a revelation. We’d existed mostly as a repository for tepid laughter. I spent paternity leave sending near daily pictures of me at a bookstore/bar, holding a beer, the baby just visible over my shoulder. Everyone smashed the haha response. We competed unofficially for the best way to describe the grossness of a diarrhea diaper. We complained about new aches and pains, the flabbiness born from the world’s most exhausting type of inertia. Then, one night a friend wrote, Does this ever get better? He was in the hell of failed sleep training, sending a lonely missive. Of course, there was a flurry of response. Of course, we’d all been waiting for the chance to say it gets better, which really meant a chance to say, It was hard for me, too.

That was three years ago and I still remember it. Sometimes, I feel our conversations nibbling at the edges of that same tone, restless, someone needing something they won’t articulate. Often, that person is me.

The problem with parental solidarity is that it’s both an introductory necessity and a myth. Helping keep a kid alive shouldn’t be, isn’t, enough to foster a coherent collective point of view. Parents who love their own children are doing very cruel things to other people’s children every day. But in this moment when a cultural conversation around the aims, stresses, and responsibilities of parenthood (as always, read motherhood ) is unavoidably political, the world of the online dad, for the most part, just isn’t.

Meanwhile, any time a mom posts about being a mom, a bunch of guys who look like my cousin Dave want to make them pay for the sin of being a woman in public. This is no revelation, I know, but I find it particularly weird that the tropes the dad joke persona embodies create a picture of a man who looks a lot like the cousin Daves of the world: white dude, straight, short-cropped hair, worried about inflation, possessing a lawn and interested in caring for it, annoyed at the various sensitivities, privileges, and complexities of today’s youth. These implications go unspoken. A crucial part of the bit, performing and consuming, is that the dad ness defangs this idea of a man. A dad can make the world as narrow as he likes, craft a joke that attempts to hit no nerves.

When I talk to these dads, there’s near universal agreement that motherhood, especially public motherhood, is a political act, if only for the pressures foisted onto moms. When big mom accounts take a stand, the dads support it in that particular tone that so many of us fall into when discussing our wives’ experiences in parenthood alongside ours: helpless reverence.

A few of the dads say versions of this: that in real life, if anyone cared to ask what they think, they probably agree with the Scary Mommies of the world. We’re speaking, I assume, about the right to choose, parental leave, universal childcare, maybe even gun control, though we don’t say it. They do the thing that I hear myself doing whenever I talk parenting, the quick list of acknowledgments of various privileges as a caveat to whatever opinion is about to be offered, like the side effects at the end of a pharmaceutical commercial—a requirement sped through; at this point, you hardly register it.

Simon Holland tells me, “I know the privileges I have as a straight white dad guy, right? Like, I get it. But I’ve never been of the thought that once someone’s got a certain number of followers, they suddenly have a responsibility to weigh in. I didn’t do this to be a beacon of truth or hope; I did it to make you chuckle for five seconds. I’ll say it like this—to me it’s the same as not cussing much. Why am I going to cut out whatever percentage of my audience if I don’t have to?”

The last thing a dad account wants to do is come off as preachy. If there’s an agreement that fathers don’t like being told what to do, well then they certainly don’t want to be preached to. A dad will make fun of how much he sucks, yes of course, but it’s not exactly cool when some other guy thinks he’s better.

We’d all been waiting for the chance to say it gets better, which really meant a chance to say, It was hard for me, too.

“I haven’t been scared to write about having daughters and all that, changing the diapers, making dinner,” Holland says. “But it’s not like I have this woke self-importance to tell other dads, ‘You should do this.’ I just happen to do it.”

There is, I suppose, something hopeful in the idea of cook-the-dinner, change-the-diaper fatherhood posted, shared, and reshared as something apolitical. That even the guy in your mind who’s angry at taxes and participation trophies loves his kids, tires himself out with all that love, and needs a chuckle break. In a piece for The Atlantic called “ The Dad-Joke Doctrine ,” the journalist Ashley Fetters quotes a linguist who goes so far as to say that dad humor online stands as an oasis in what is otherwise the desert of a new age of nastiness within political and cultural discourse. (The linguist was also a dad, and it’s unclear which expert point of view he was speaking from.)

“There wasn’t a lot of talk about masking, vaccines, all that, in the rooms,” Vinod Chhaproo tells me. “I have my opinions, I’m sure others do.”

Chhaproo was born in India, works on Wall Street. He’s also a dad making jokes online, a beloved member of many rooms, and now has a burgeoning stand-up career. That’s the thing with parenting, he says. It can be so universal. Putting the kids to bed, cleaning up after them—you can always find a place to commiserate. But on the other hand, you’re working within parameters that everyone knows but most don’t live. He doesn’t have a lawn to care for, or a set of memories about how it supposedly used to be.

Sometimes the reality of the world can’t not force its way into the rooms. After the Uvalde school shooting, Chhaproo found himself commiserating about his sadness, his anger, his fear— these were fellow fathers he was talking to, after all.

“I was talking about being afraid of taking my kids to school the next day,” he tells me. “And one pretty popular account is former military, I think—knows more than me anyway. He was sending me links to these backpacks you can buy that are bullet-proof. That was nice.”

I can’t tell if Chhaproo is poking fun at this exchange or not. I don’t think so. Either way, the possibility to not think so is key. Ultimately, a lot of the conversations I have with the dadfluencers come down to this central equation: the degree of self- awareness they feel in their joking dad personas, the degree to which the audience acknowledges it, and the degree to which it matters at all. How much of one’s self does a dad see in the bit?

Simon Holland puts it like this: “With my Rival Dad thing, I think probably seventy percent of the audience is laughing at how silly it is, this toxic masculinity, competitive thing. And then thirty percent are like, ‘Wooo yeah, I’m gonna kick this rival dad’s ass!’”

Holland is thoughtful about his work and why it’s funny and all the subtleties of fatherhood talk, sometimes even as he’s claiming that it ain’t that deep. The bit wouldn’t hold up, he says, if there wasn’t truth to it. Like he’s got friends who mean a lot to him, and that’s beautiful, but he still wants nicer shit than they have. Even if he knows it’s silly, even if he doesn’t like it in himself, he feels it. He notices that, of the people who recognize his name and come up to him, there’s a subset of men who can only respond by tossing ideas at him like they’re doing him a favor, unaware that they’re fully embodying the joke.

The other side of the interpretation risk is not when macho dudes identify with something you mean to critique, but when an audience assumes you aren’t in on your own joke. For Chris at Henpecked Hal, his biggest hit (and a tweet I genuinely love) was also a chance for people to call him a misogynist asshole. It’s a simple conceit: My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

“I had all these people in my mentions,” Chris says, “like, ‘You piece of shit, your wife gets one night to have fun, and you have to stay home with the kids, and you’re going to wreck it?’”

So, there he was, climbing up toward half a million likes and also debating whether to respond to all the haters, just to say, Hey, obviously I didn’t ruin my wife’s night, obviously I just did this for a few minutes and she thought it was hilarious. He says, “The funny thing is my wife likes to go out and I don’t as much. If anything, I’m more often the one at home putting the kids to bed—not saying that as like, wow, look at me; that’s just how it is in our house.”

He sometimes regrets his Al Bundy avatar—no matter what, hundreds of thousands of people are going to read his jokes in that voice. But it’s not just the avatar. Nearly every dad I speak to has the stories of feeling willfully misread as the replies seize upon a bit about telling his wife she didn’t finish the dishes or complaining about his kids in a way that seems too . . . mean. Like actually mean.

“For a dad joke to work,” Chris says, “You can think you’re the hero in the story for a while, play it up, but in the end you have to know you’re the fool.”

Yet that’s the problem: the dad is an inscrutable foil; it’s up for debate what he knows. I cannot help but think here of Bean Dad, the name given the man who went horrifically viral for an anecdote that he definitely thought was cute. He tweeted through the experience of realizing that his nine-year-old daughter had never had to open a can, then making her learn self-reliance by not letting her satiate her hunger with baked beans until she could get them open herself. He slow-played it into a now infamous twenty-three-tweet thread, documenting a six-hour odyssey of her failing and quitting and complaining, and him doing a jigsaw puzzle while otherwise being a classic self-reliance-stick-in-the- mud-grump. He was labeled an abuser, a narcissist, dangerous, ableist toward his daughter (who, in the assumption of these tweeters, was differently abled, I guess). In his apology, Bean Dad told the world that his daughter had been snacking the whole time, they’d been laughing together. He hadn’t mentioned it in the tweets because . . . that’s not the bit. And the bit sucked—don’t get me wrong! I’m sure there’s a great chance the guy is a narcissist, but he also isn’t the dad in the joke, not exactly. He’s a guy who didn’t consider that he could be thought of as someone not defined by good intentions. As a cruel man. As a bad father.

That’s the worst thing you can be, right? In all its dopiness, the dad character exists to own an identity that feels better than anything previous, that has come to dominate self-conception. The joke says, I’m fine being lame and old and out of shape and a shell of my former self and just as corny as I said I’d never be, because I’m this . Dadness is gentle, absolving, until it isn’t. Part of the joke is that you can screw up in all these ways and still be lovable, still be good , but then the line between good and bad gets pretty thin, and then a joke becomes unforgivable.

One of my first conversations was with an account I don’t want to name. We were talking about how sometimes dad memes can feel like a man referencing his own father as much as himself. He said his dad was funny, a real character, just not . . . present, in the ways he has learned to be.

“ But I think part of the comfort,” he said, “is you realize everyone’s dad was the same. Every dad is the same. Now I’m the one telling my daughter I’ll be there with a shotgun when she brings a boy home.”

He laughed; I didn’t.

@media(max-width: 73.75rem){.css-1ktbcds:before{margin-right:0.4375rem;color:#FF3A30;content:'_';display:inline-block;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-1ktbcds:before{margin-right:0.5625rem;color:#FF3A30;content:'_';display:inline-block;}} Fatherhood Features & Essays

What I've Learned: About Fatherhood

How Shrooms Helped a Dad Heal His Broken Heart

Ashton Kutcher Has Been Through It

The Father and His Son

Freddie Prinze Jr. Has Pivoted to Hot Dad

Am I a Superhero to My Sons?

usa mineapolis shopping mall mini golf 1994

Confessions of a Not-Bad Dad

murder suicide shooting at elementary school in san bernardino kills three and injures one

Parenting in the Age of School Shootings

Two Fathers

'Dad, I Hate It When You Sound So Sad'

Dear Rob: You Are Me

Mission, Values, and Goals
Diversity Plan
Scholarship
How to apply
American & Ethnic Studies
Community Psychology
Conservation & Restoration Science
Culture, Literature & the Arts
Data Visualization
Earth System Science
Environmental Science
Environmental Studies
Gender, Women & Sexuality Studies
Global Studies
Interactive Media Design
Interdisciplinary Arts
Interdisciplinary Studies
Law, Economics & Public Policy
Mathematical Thinking & Visualization
Media & Communication Studies
Science, Technology & Society
Society, Ethics & Human Behavior
Degree Maps
Minor in Creative Writing
Minor in Diversity
Minor in Ecological Restoration
Minor in Gender, Women & Sexuality Studies
Minor in Geographic Information System
Minor in Human Rights
Minor in Performance
Minor in Policy Studies
Minor in Science, Technology & Society
Minor in Visual & Media Arts
Learning Objectives
Student Feedback
Petitions and Forms
Grade Appeal
Grievances and Complaints
IAS Degree Portfolio
Credit Based Learning
Community Engagement
D.C. Human Rights Seminar
Study Abroad
Global Scholars
How to Apply
Thesis Work
Fall Convergence
Spring Festival
MFA Publications
About Cultural Studies
Cultural Studies: Starting Points
Graduate Research Conference
Why Policy Studies?
Prospective Students
Graduate Admissions
Finding an Internship Site
For Internship Sites
For Faculty
Registration
On leave and withdrawal
Satisfactory Performance and Progress
Petitions and forms
Campus Resources
Incoming Students
Technology Resources and Support
Educational Access & Opportunity Fund
Global Scholars Fund
Experiential & Community Based Learning Fund
Academic Excellence & Emerging Initiatives Fund
Diane and Mike Gillespie Community Action Fund
Nony Clark Milmoe Scholarship
Sandra Martin Roberts Memorial Scholarship
Washington D.C. Travel Assistance Fund
Graduate Studies Excellence Fund
Master of Fine Arts (MFA) Program Fund
American Muslim Research Institute Fund
All IAS Funds

Quick Links

Information Technology
Commuter Services
Human Resources
Campus Safety

Kari Lerum publishes two essays in The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ+ Studies

Associate Professor Kari Lerum recently published two essays in the second edition of The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ+ Studies.

The first essay, “Sex work and Criminalization,” is a revised and updated version of Lerum’s essay by the same name appearing in the 2016 The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ+ Studies. The essay defines sex work within the context of sexual regulation and criminalization, examines LGBTQ+ participation in sex work, and discusses how contemporary LGBTQ+ sex worker activists are both partnering with human rights and global health experts and finding connections with movements for anti-racist and anti-carceral social transformation.

The second essay, “Trafficking in the Sex Trades,” summarizes the politics of defining human trafficking, discusses the connection between invalid and unreliable definitions with carceral anti-trafficking policies, and highlights how LGBTQIA+ individuals may be impacted by these carceral approaches.

Free All-in-One Office Suite with PDF Editor

Edit Word, Excel, and PPT for FREE.

Read, edit, and convert PDFs with the powerful PDF toolkit.

Microsoft-like interface, easy to use.

Windows • MacOS • Linux • iOS • Android

Select areas that need to improve

Didn't match my interface
Too technical or incomprehensible
Incorrect operation instructions
Incomplete instructions on this function

Fields marked * are required please

Please leave your suggestions below

Quick Tutorials
Practical Skills

How to Double Space in Word for Your Essay: A Guide for Students

If you are a student working on an important essay, you would know how crucial formatting truly is, as a significant grade can be impacted by it if you don't comply with the formatting guidelines. Even if you weren't mindful of it before, you should prioritize it now. Many colleges require essays to be submitted in MLA or APA format, which necessitates double spacing among other specifications. In this article, we will explore the major formatting styles and explain how to double space in Word for your essay to ensure your formatting adheres to the standards.

Double-Space in APA and MLA Format

Double spacing is a requirement for both APA and MLA formats, the two most popular styles used for essays in academic writing . Here's why:

Improved Readability : Double spacing creates a clear visual distinction between lines of text, making your essay easier to read and follow.

Facilitates Editing and Feedback : Instructors (and you!) can easily add comments or edits between lines without overcrowding the document.

Standardization : Double spacing ensures consistency across different essays and disciplines, allowing for a professional appearance.

WPS Office: Use Word, Excel, and PPT for FREE, No Ads.

Examples of Double Spacing in APA and MLA Formats:

Here are some examples of double spacing in APA and MLA formats:

APA Formatting Guide:

The entire document is double-spaced.

The margins are one inch on all sides.

Each paragraph in the body text starts with a hanging indent (the first line remains flush left, while subsequent lines are indented half an inch).

The title is centered at the top of the page, followed by your name and institution information centered below.

The font is 12-point throughout.

Page numbers appear in the upper right corner of each page.

MLA Formatting Guide:

Each paragraph in the body text starts with a half-inch indent.

The title is centered at the top of the page, followed by your name, instructor's name, course name, and date (all left-aligned in a block format).

The font is Times New Roman 12-point throughout.

There are no page numbers on the first page, but subsequent pages have page numbers placed in the upper right corner.

Preparing Double Spacing in Word Before You Start Writing Your Essay

There are specific formatting standards that students are generally required to follow when submitting their essays, one of which includes double-spacing in Word. As I will demonstrate to you on how to do double spacing in Word you will learn to maintain consistent formatting throughout your document.

I'll demonstrate using WPS Office because it is a free suite and ultimately the best option for students. It's compatible with all Word document versions and can even convert your papers to PDF without losing formatting, allowing you to follow along regardless of whether you are using Windows, Mac, or Android.

Using the Home ribbon

Let's take a look at the first method, which is available in the home tab and is relatively quicker to perform.

Step 1 : Open WPS Office on your system. Remember, WPS Office is available for both MAC and Windows, making it an easier option to work with.

Step 2 : Now, let's create a new document. Click on "New" in the left panel.

Step 3 : Next, click on "Docs" located in the left panel, followed by "Blank", to create a new blank document on WPS Office.

Step 4 : You will now have a fresh new document open on WPS Writer. To format our document to double space, click on "Home" in the ribbon menu.

Step 5 : Next, click on the "Line Spacing" icon, which is a double arrow with horizontal lines.

Step 6 : Now, the line spacing option is available in the drop-down menu. Click on "2.0" to set the line spacing as double.

And that's it! Your new document has now been formatted for both your APA style essays or MLA style. Using WPS Office has its benefits. It provides software compatible for both Mac and Windows, which reduces the likelihood of glitches or crashes compared to Microsoft Word, which is not compatible with MacOS.

Additionally, it allows users to save their files on the cloud. So, if you need to make changes to your document on the go, they are easily available. Plus, if you need to work on the go, you might be using your handheld device, and luckily, WPS Office is available on both Android and iOS for free.

Using the Context menu

The second option involves opening a few other dialog boxes, but the special feature of this method is that if you're formatting your document from scratch, you can also format indentation or alignment using the same steps.

Step 1 : So, we have our new blank document open in WPS Office, currently formatted with single spacing.

Step 2 : Let's right-click anywhere on the document to open the context menu, and then click on "Paragraph".

Step 3 : Now, we have the Paragraph dialog open. Go to the "Line spacing" field and change the Line spacing to "Double".

Step 4 : To exit the paragraph settings, click on "OK" to return to your document and start working on your essay.

How to Double-Space in Word for Your Written Essay

You've completed your essay but can't seem to find how to double space it? Often, when students try to double space using any method, only the current paragraph where their cursor is located gets double spaced, and it's due to a simple error. So let's see how to double space in Word in a written essay.

Since we are using WPS Office to demonstrate the steps, it would be wise to download and perform these steps on WPS Office to ensure that there is no confusion or error.

Step 1 : So, first of all, we'll open our written essay in WPS Office. To do this, simply open WPS Office and click on "Docs" in the left panel.

Step 2 : Now, click on "Open" and browse for your written essay document. Whether you've created your document in a writing software like MS Word, it will open in WPS Office because it is compatible with all document formats.

Step 3 : Once the document is open, you need to press the "Ctrl + A" shortcut key to ensure that the entire document is selected.

Step 4 : Now, simply click on the "Home" tab and head over to the "Line Spacing" option in the home ribbon.

Step 5 : Since we need our document to be double spaced, we will click on "2.0" to change our line spacing to double-space.

Step 6 : Make sure to save your document either by using the shortcut key; "Ctrl + S", or by visiting the Menu option in the top left corner and clicking on "Save" to save your work.

As a student, it's important to understand these small details while formatting documents because essays and assignments are crucial. Having an easy-to-use writing software like WPS Office can make a whole world of difference.

Use Word, Excel, and PPT for FREE, No Ads.

Edit PDF files with the powerful PDF toolkit.

Microsoft-like interface. Easy to learn. 100% Compatibility.

Boost your productivity with WPS's abundant free Word, Excel, PPT, and CV templates.

Shortcuts for Double Spacing in Word

How to Double-Space in Word: Keyboard Shortcuts

While there are several ways to double-space your text in Word, keyboard shortcuts offer a quick and efficient method. Here are the shortcuts for both Windows and Mac users:

Windows : Press Ctrl + 2.

Mac : Press Command + 2.

Bonus Tip: How to Convert Word to PDF Without Losing Formatting

WPS Office is an exceptional office suite, offering everything from word processing to presentations and spreadsheets. It's particularly beneficial for students, providing them with the tools they need to create documents effortlessly, which they can then use for their academic pursuits. Committed to delivering an optimal experience for students, WPS Office is not only free but also user-friendly, making it a preferred choice. It's also incredibly lightweight, requiring minimal storage space.

Formatting essays can often be a hassle, especially when converting them to Word, where formatting is frequently lost. However, WPS Office addresses this issue with its robust PDF features, seamlessly converting essays into PDF format with ease. With WPS Office, students across all disciplines can streamline their academic tasks and enhance their productivity.

Here is how students can convert their written essays or any document to PDF using WPS Office, without the need for any additional software:

Step 1 : Open your document in WPS Office and go to the Menu button in the top left corner of the screen.

Step 2 : Hover over or click on the "Save as" option and then select "More formats" in the flyout menu.

Step 3 : Now, with the Save as dialog open, go to the "File Type" field and select .PDF as the file format.

Step 4 : Students can change the name of their file in the "File Name" field and then hit "Save" to save their document as a PDF.

FAQs about Double Spacing in Word

1. how to change the line spacing to single in word.

Following these simple steps will help you change the line spacing to single in Microsoft Word:

Step 1 : Let's open the document in Microsoft Word in which we need to change the line spacing.

Step 2 : If you have already worked on your document and need to change its formatting, it's important to first select all the contents of the document. To select everything in the document, simply use the "CTRL + A" shortcut key.

Step 3 : Now, to change the line spacing, click on the "Home" tab on the Microsoft Word ribbon.

Step 4 : In the Home ribbon, find the "Paragraph" section. This is where the "Line and Paragraph Spacing" icon is located, so click on it.

Step 5 : A drop-down menu will open. To set your document to single spacing, click on the "1.0" option, and your document will be formatted according to single spacing.

2. Should I double space the entire essay?

Yes, according to APA guidelines (2020), double spacing is recommended for the entire paper, encompassing the title page, abstract, main text, headings, block quotes, reference list, table and figure annotations, and appendices. Nonetheless, this guideline doesn't apply to the table body and figure imagery, footnotes, and presented mathematical expressions.

3. Are university essays typically double spaced?

Yes, university essays often use double spacing. However, it’s essential to follow your professor’s guidelines. They usually specify formatting preferences, including spacing and font choices. Always review instructions carefully to ensure your work aligns with the required standards.

Word is a great tool for writing your student assignments , but students' efficiency and easy to use tools at hand ultimately get great grades. For instance it is quite a hassle learning how to double space in Word for your essay. WPS Office delivers all of that with its Writer tool and integrated PDF tool.

Here, you can edit and print with ease, not to mention the formatting is completely easy to manage. Not to mention, the formatting is perfectly preserved when converting to PDF or sharing the file. Download WPS Office today to experience hassle-free formatting so you can focus more on your work and less on formatting!

1. How to create space in a formula in WPS Office Excel
2. Top 10 Best Introduce Yourself Essay Sample Words
3. how to set up double sided printing in word ?
4. How to remove space in Excel before text
5. How to Reduce Space Between Words in WPS Writer (Step-by-Step)
6. How to replace "space” with "paragraph mark”

15 years of office industry experience, tech lover and copywriter. Follow me for product reviews, comparisons, and recommendations for new apps and software.

Share full article

Supported by

NPR in Turmoil After It Is Accused of Liberal Bias

An essay from an editor at the broadcaster has generated a firestorm of criticism about the network on social media, especially among conservatives.

Uri Berliner, wearing a dark zipped sweater over a white T-shirt, sits in a darkened room, a big plant and a yellow sofa behind him.

By Benjamin Mullin and Katie Robertson

NPR is facing both internal tumult and a fusillade of attacks by prominent conservatives this week after a senior editor publicly claimed the broadcaster had allowed liberal bias to affect its coverage, risking its trust with audiences.

Uri Berliner, a senior business editor who has worked at NPR for 25 years, wrote in an essay published Tuesday by The Free Press, a popular Substack publication, that “people at every level of NPR have comfortably coalesced around the progressive worldview.”

Mr. Berliner, a Peabody Award-winning journalist, castigated NPR for what he said was a litany of journalistic missteps around coverage of several major news events, including the origins of Covid-19 and the war in Gaza. He also said the internal culture at NPR had placed race and identity as “paramount in nearly every aspect of the workplace.”

Mr. Berliner’s essay has ignited a firestorm of criticism of NPR on social media, especially among conservatives who have long accused the network of political bias in its reporting. Former President Donald J. Trump took to his social media platform, Truth Social, to argue that NPR’s government funding should be rescinded, an argument he has made in the past.

NPR has forcefully pushed back on Mr. Berliner’s accusations and the criticism.

“We’re proud to stand behind the exceptional work that our desks and shows do to cover a wide range of challenging stories,” Edith Chapin, the organization’s editor in chief, said in an email to staff on Tuesday. “We believe that inclusion — among our staff, with our sourcing, and in our overall coverage — is critical to telling the nuanced stories of this country and our world.” Some other NPR journalists also criticized the essay publicly, including Eric Deggans, its TV critic, who faulted Mr. Berliner for not giving NPR an opportunity to comment on the piece.

In an interview on Thursday, Mr. Berliner expressed no regrets about publishing the essay, saying he loved NPR and hoped to make it better by airing criticisms that have gone unheeded by leaders for years. He called NPR a “national trust” that people rely on for fair reporting and superb storytelling.

“I decided to go out and publish it in hopes that something would change, and that we get a broader conversation going about how the news is covered,” Mr. Berliner said.

He said he had not been disciplined by managers, though he said he had received a note from his supervisor reminding him that NPR requires employees to clear speaking appearances and media requests with standards and media relations. He said he didn’t run his remarks to The New York Times by network spokespeople.

When the hosts of NPR’s biggest shows, including “Morning Edition” and “All Things Considered,” convened on Wednesday afternoon for a long-scheduled meet-and-greet with the network’s new chief executive, Katherine Maher , conversation soon turned to Mr. Berliner’s essay, according to two people with knowledge of the meeting. During the lunch, Ms. Chapin told the hosts that she didn’t want Mr. Berliner to become a “martyr,” the people said.

Mr. Berliner’s essay also sent critical Slack messages whizzing through some of the same employee affinity groups focused on racial and sexual identity that he cited in his essay. In one group, several staff members disputed Mr. Berliner’s points about a lack of ideological diversity and said efforts to recruit more people of color would make NPR’s journalism better.

On Wednesday, staff members from “Morning Edition” convened to discuss the fallout from Mr. Berliner’s essay. During the meeting, an NPR producer took issue with Mr. Berliner’s argument for why NPR’s listenership has fallen off, describing a variety of factors that have contributed to the change.

Mr. Berliner’s remarks prompted vehement pushback from several news executives. Tony Cavin, NPR’s managing editor of standards and practices, said in an interview that he rejected all of Mr. Berliner’s claims of unfairness, adding that his remarks would probably make it harder for NPR journalists to do their jobs.

“The next time one of our people calls up a Republican congressman or something and tries to get an answer from them, they may well say, ‘Oh, I read these stories, you guys aren’t fair, so I’m not going to talk to you,’” Mr. Cavin said.

Some journalists have defended Mr. Berliner’s essay. Jeffrey A. Dvorkin, NPR’s former ombudsman, said Mr. Berliner was “not wrong” on social media. Chuck Holmes, a former managing editor at NPR, called Mr. Berliner’s essay “brave” on Facebook.

Mr. Berliner’s criticism was the latest salvo within NPR, which is no stranger to internal division. In October, Mr. Berliner took part in a lengthy debate over whether NPR should defer to language proposed by the Arab and Middle Eastern Journalists Association while covering the conflict in Gaza.

“We don’t need to rely on an advocacy group’s guidance,” Mr. Berliner wrote, according to a copy of the email exchange viewed by The Times. “Our job is to seek out the facts and report them.” The debate didn’t change NPR’s language guidance, which is made by editors who weren’t part of the discussion. And in a statement on Thursday, the Arab and Middle Eastern Journalists Association said it is a professional association for journalists, not a political advocacy group.

Mr. Berliner’s public criticism has highlighted broader concerns within NPR about the public broadcaster’s mission amid continued financial struggles. Last year, NPR cut 10 percent of its staff and canceled four podcasts, including the popular “Invisibilia,” as it tried to make up for a $30 million budget shortfall. Listeners have drifted away from traditional radio to podcasts, and the advertising market has been unsteady.

In his essay, Mr. Berliner laid some of the blame at the feet of NPR’s former chief executive, John Lansing, who said he was retiring at the end of last year after four years in the role. He was replaced by Ms. Maher, who started on March 25.

During a meeting with employees in her first week, Ms. Maher was asked what she thought about decisions to give a platform to political figures like Ronna McDaniel, the former Republican Party chair whose position as a political analyst at NBC News became untenable after an on-air revolt from hosts who criticized her efforts to undermine the 2020 election.

“I think that this conversation has been one that does not have an easy answer,” Ms. Maher responded.

Benjamin Mullin reports on the major companies behind news and entertainment. Contact Ben securely on Signal at +1 530-961-3223 or email at [email protected] . More about Benjamin Mullin

Katie Robertson covers the media industry for The Times. Email: [email protected] More about Katie Robertson

Mobile Site
Staff Directory
Advertise with Ars

Filter by topic

Biz & IT
Gaming & Culture

Front page layout

I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire —

Three episodes in, the fallout tv series absolutely nails it, hyperviolence, strong characters, cool visuals, and some humor make a good show..

Samuel Axon - Apr 11, 2024 10:33 pm UTC

Like the games, the show depicts a Vault Dweller making her way out into the Wasteland. Amazon
This Brotherhood of Steel Initiate is another central character. Amazon
And there's The Ghoul, one of the show's standout characters. Amazon
Lost 's Michael Emerson plays a compelling supporting character. Amazon
Some scenes take place inside the games' famous Vaults. Amazon
And, of course, there's power armor. Amazon

Amazon has had a rocky history with big, geeky properties making their way onto Prime Video. The Wheel of Time wasn’t for everyone, and I have almost nothing good to say about The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power .

Fallout , the first season of which premiered this week, seems to break that bad streak. All the episodes are online now, but I’ve watched three episodes so far. I love it.

Fallout as an action spectacle

To say Fallout is about high-octane action might be a controversial statement, given the divide between fans of the first two games (turn-based tactical RPGs) and most of the newer games (open-world action RPGs).

Hyperviolence was being depicted and simulated in those original titles even if they weren’t part of the action genre, so I hope you’ll agree that one would expect some action and gore in a TV adaptation regardless of which Fallout games you liked.

Boy, does this show deliver. While there is some dispute over which genre the Fallout games are supposed to be, there’s no such confusion about Fallout the TV series. If it were at Blockbuster in the '80s or '90s, its box would be in the “Action” section.

The first big action sequence in the first episode reminded me that this show is coming to us by way of Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy, producers of HBO's Westworld series. As in that show, Fallout 's violence can be sudden, brutal, and casual. Heads explode from shotgun blasts like popped bubbles in Cronenbergian splatters. Someone’s face gets ripped right off, and another person gets a fork plunged into their eyeball.

Fallout 's gore goes beyond Westworld ’s shock factor into the territory of humor, and that’s clearly intentional. Homages to the Bethesda games’ slow-motion VATS kills are aplenty, with gratuitous shots of bullets tearing through bodies and painting the walls red.

It's so over the top that it doesn’t bother me; it’s cartoon violence, ultimately. Most of the time, I enjoy it, though a couple of instances of dog-related violence didn’t feel too great. But if you’re squeamish, you’re going to want to steer clear. Of course, the games were like this, too. It just hits a little differently when it’s live action.

Fallout as a comedy

Numerous executive producers are attached to this show, including Nolan, Joy, and Bethesda Game Studios’ Todd Howard, among others. But the two people most creatively responsible for what we’re seeing here are the writers Geneva Robertson-Dworet ( Tomb Raider , Captain Marvel ) and Graham Wagner ( Portlandia, Silicon Valley , The Office ).

That makes sense—you have one showrunner with action and video game adaptation chops and another known for comedy.

The Fallout games are hilarious—goofy, even, and that tracks right into the show. It’s not always as laugh-out-loud funny as I expected (though it sometimes is), but it’s definitely fun, and there are some strong jokes.

It’s hard to discuss them without spoiling some punchlines, but a lot of the humor comes from the fact that one of the show’s three central characters grew up deeply sheltered, both literally and figuratively. “Okey-dokey,” she says in the face of the most horrific situations imaginable. The contrast really works.

There’s humor in other places in the show, too, especially if you like dark humor. As I said a moment ago, the violence is hilarious if you have the stomach for it. Like the games, the show has many winks and nods.

I’d like to see a little more of this in the future than there is now, but it’s enough for it to feel like, well, Fallout .

reader comments

Channel ars technica.

Try this AI Content Detector before you submit your essays

With the help of AI, writing essays has become incredibly easy and time-saving. This revolutionary technology has empowered content writers and academicians to efficiently produce high-quality written material at a fraction of the time it used to take. However, relying solely on AI for generating essays does come with drawbacks.

For instance, Google’s new policy emphasizes rewarding original, high-quality content that exhibits expertise, authoritativeness, and trustworthiness, potentially impacting the visibility of AI-generated content. Furthermore, many professors and teachers do not endorse the use of AI-generated content due to authenticity and originality concerns.

In this scenario, Merlin’s AI content detector emerges as a crucial solution. This sophisticated tool is designed to identify AI-generated content, allowing users to ensure their work meets the standards of originality and authenticity required by various platforms and educational institutions. By leveraging the capabilities of Merlin’s AI content detector, you can confidently create content that adheres to the highest standards, safeguarding against the potential pitfalls of relying solely on AI for content generation.

At its core, the AI Detector is engineered to scrutinize your essays with an unparalleled level of precision, comparing your text against an extensive database of sources. This includes books, journals, websites, and previously submitted papers. The goal is to ensure that every piece you write stands out for its originality and intellectual rigor, propelling you toward academic success.

How the AI Detector Tool Enhances Your Essay Writing Experience

The journey of drafting an essay starts from formulating a compelling thesis to integrating research into your essay seamlessly. Merlin AI Detector is your bestfriend in this process, that offers a multifaceted approach to improve your writing. Firstly, it highlights areas where your text might seem AI generated, and encourage you to put in more of your unique perspective and analysis. This not only improves your essay’s originality but also deepens your engagement with the topic.

Step-by-Step Guide on Using the AI Detector Tool

To harness the full potential of Merlin AI Detector, it’s essential to understand how to effectively use the tool.

You need to begin by opening the tool at https://www.getmerlin.in/ai-detection .
Once you access the essay writer, you can paste or upload your essay in the dialogue box. And click on Analyze.

There’s a world limit of 10,000, which helps you analyze information in a larger set rather than having to do it in bits and pieces.
After the analysis, you will have the analysis report ready to look at and make necessary changes accordingly.

Benefits of Using the AI Detector Tool

The advantages of integrating the AI Detector into your essay-writing process are multiple.

It instills a deep sense of confidence in your writing. Knowing that your work has been thoroughly vetted for originality allows you to submit essays with peace of mind, free from the fear of accidental plagiarism.
The Merlin AI Detector helps improve your writing skills and prepares you for writing challenges beyond the classroom.
The AI Detector expedites the process of checking your work for plagiarism and stylistic issues, saving you time for research, writing, and revising.

Real-life Examples AI Detector Tool Improving Essay Writing

The impact of the AI Detector tool on essay writing can be understood the best through real-life examples.

Take, for instance, a university student who struggled with unintentional plagiarism. Regardless of their best efforts, they often found themselves mirroring the language and ideas of their sources too closely. After incorporating Merlin AI Detector into their writing process, they saw a marked improvement in the originality of their essays, resulting in better grades and heightened academic confidence.

Another example involves a student whose writing was often critiqued for being unclear and difficult to follow. By utilizing the feedback provided by the AI Detector, they were able to simplify their language and structure their arguments more logically. This not only made their essays more persuasive but also enhanced their overall writing skills.

Comparison of the AI Detector Tool with Other Plagiarism Checkers

While there are multiple plagiarism checkers available, Merlin AI Detector stands out for its approach to improving essay writing. Unlike basic plagiarism checkers that only identify matching text, the AI Detector goes a step further by offering detailed feedback which you can use to enhance the originality and clarity of your writing. This approach makes it a superior choice for students and educators who are serious about achieving academic excellence.

Furthermore, the AI Detector’s algorithm is constantly updated to keep pace with the evolving standards of academic integrity. This makes sure that the tool remains relevant and effective in detecting even the most sophisticated forms of plagiarism.

The great thing is that you can access it for free. It is write by your side, just a tap away whenever you need academic help, to ensure that your essays are top notch and you excel in your academics.

The AI Detector is a vital tool for students and educators in the competitive world of academic writing. With advanced AI detection and user-friendly design, it enhances essay-writing skills, ensuring originality and clarity. Beyond plagiarism checks, it supports continuous writing improvement, setting high standards for academic success. Explore writing mastery with the AI Detector today.

Busines-Newswire

IMAGES

47+ Paragraph Jokes And Funny Puns
Funny Essay Writing Memes
47+ Paragraph Jokes And Funny Puns
What is a Humorous Essay and Why it's Useful
47+ Paragraph Jokes And Funny Puns
47+ Paragraph Jokes And Funny Puns

VIDEO

Chintu Comedy Toons
"अभ्यास का महत्व" पर अनुच्छेद लेखन| Paragraph Writing In Hindi|Anuched Lekhan In Hindi|Hindi Grammar
Анекдот. Про рога 😉 #анекдот #юмор #приколы #смех #шутка
Short Paragraph on Dushanbe
Short Paragraph on Yerevan
Late essay joke

COMMENTS

Essay Jokes
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔. I am over 18. Before the Mother's day, the teacher gives her class an assignment to write an essay about their mothers. "Mothers are really important in our lives," she says, "so I want you to write an essay titled "I've only got one mom".
Laughing Through Lines: 100+ Hilarious Essay Jokes
Introduction: Writing essays can often feel like a daunting task, but adding a touch of humor to the process can make it much more enjoyable. In this collection of essay jokes, we've compiled a series of pun-tastic one-liners that will not only give you a good chuckle but also remind you that even the most serious tasks can be met with a smile.
How to Write Humor: Funny Essay Writing Tips
Humor brings people together and has the power to transform how we think about the world. Of course, not everyone is adept at being funny—particularly in writing. Making people laugh takes some skill and finesse, and, because so much relies on instinct, is harder to teach than other techniques. However, all writers can benefit from learning more about how humor functions in writing. Below ...
103 Hilarious & Serious Essays
Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli 103 Hilarious and Serious Essays. Some of these are funny, and some are serious. ... That's why the word 'maybe' appears fourteen times in this essay. Or, if you're really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the ...
Humorous Writing (A Guide to Adding Humor to Writing)
Timing. One of the most important elements of humor is timing and delivering the punchline at the right moment. Knowing when to deliver a joke is crucial, and if you do it too soon or too late, the effect will be lost. 2. Relevance. Another important element of humor in writing is relevance.
How to Mix Humor Into Your Writing
Unless you're writing about an inherently funny topic, you should limit the humor you use to selective references. Its purpose is to grab the reader's attention and help you make points in creative ways. Don't confuse the reader by coming across as a comedian. 3. KEEP YOUR FOCUS IN MIND.
9 Funny Essay Collections
Higgins picks 10 of her favorite funny essay collections. 1. The Long-Winded Lady: Notes from The New Yorker by Maeve Brennan. Not strictly an essay collection, Brennan's sketches of life in New ...
Definition and Examples of Humorous Essays
Nothing kills a joke more than the joke teller slamming a bony elbow into your ribs, winking, and shouting, 'Was that funny, or what?' Subtlety is your most effective tool. (Dinty W. Moore, Crafting the Personal Essay: A Guide for Writing and Publishing Creative Nonfiction. Writer's Digest Books, 2010) Finding a Title for a Humorous Essay
How To Write a Joke
We started to write something about Aristotle's Poetics here but cut it because reasons. In its classic sense, a joke has a setup and a punchline. Take this example from Demetri Martin: "I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed…". Setup into punchline: "…because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
How to Write a Joke in 7 Easy Steps
Leave a few beats before you deliver it to build the anticipation (and write those beats into your joke if you need to). The punchline must be short, have an element of surprise, and get the biggest laughs. It goes without saying that if you have to explain the punchline, the joke doesn't work. 7. Test your joke out.
100+ Funny Argumentative Essay Topic Ideas
Answer: The easiest way to make your essay longer is to add more items and call it a list. Here are some ideas: 1. Ten ways to annoy your parents. 2. Twelve ways to get out of cleaning your room. 3. Fifteen ways to get your parents to give up on trying to get you to do any chores around the house.
Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 177 Writing & Speech Ideas
In the academic world, working on a persuasive essay on a fun topic is one of the best ways to enjoy paper writing. By discussing something entertaining, you can connect with your reader on a more personal level. We will write a custom essay specifically. for you for only 11.00 9.35/page. 808 certified writers online.
31+ Funny Essay Jokes
Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself? Life outside of prison. He needed to keep up with Jenny's U-turns. I don't care but would you please stop screaming, turning the lights on and off.
How to Make Your Writing Funny: 10 Tips for Writing ...
Humor is a device that can be used in many writing genres. Whether you're a freelance writer for magazines, a blogger, or a fiction writer, knowing how to write funny prose and make people laugh out loud is a great skill to have. You don't have to do stand-up comedy or be a sitcom comedy writer to spice up your stories with a little humor. Tap into your inner funny person and follow these ...
Funny college essay examples?
1. Self-deprecation: Making light of your own quirks or weaknesses can be endearing and show humility. For example, you might write about your inability to dance, but how you proudly own it at every school dance or social event for the greater good of everyone's entertainment. 2.
What do you call a short Mexican? : r/Jokes
Paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay. When the Mexican kid's homework flew out the window, he said "Where are you going essay?" Then when he went out to chase it down the street, a tornado came and dropped two houses on him. He said "Get off me homes!" Reminds me of when Kyle, Stan, Eric and Kenny paid the Mexicans to write their ...
How to Write a Joke
Add structure. Now that you have some ideas, it's time to structure them as jokes. Grant advises thinking of the joke as analogous to an essay: "When I write jokes, I follow that structure ...
How to write a joke
Write a joke in 6 steps. Now we know the structure and parts of a joke, it's time to put one together in 6 easy steps. Research your material. If you know your theme or topic, brainstorm and make notes. Watch your favourite comedians for inspiration (try to evaluate their work critically, as well as enjoying it).
Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples
Tips for Adding Humor to Your College Essays. 1. Be Appropriate. First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it.
Funny Personal Statements: Using Humor in Your College Application
When writing funny personal statements, the peer-review process becomes even more important than it already is. Humor is subjective by nature, so before clicking "submit" on your applications, make sure that a wide variety of people in your life (friends, parents, and teachers) have read your essays. If all your readers think your essay is ...
An Unfunny Essay About Humor
Each of these artists finds a way to present a rote human experience in a way we understand—discussions with medical professionals, the workplace, raising a child—and then suddenly deflate that understanding. The humor, in these cases, isn't cosmetic. It's a structural concern. It's built into the foundation of a story, a slow ...
I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay : r/Jokes
I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay. He said "I ain't no snitch!". Sort by: Add a Comment. that_crazy_cat_lady. • 8 yr. ago. I need that bot that explains jokes. 17. Reply.
Esther Perel on What the Other Woman Knows
You know, it's so funny because Karin Jones directly quotes you in her piece. And I feel like that is the first time ever we've had someone read an essay where they're directly quoted.
Into the World Of the Very Online Dad
In a piece for The Atlantic called "The Dad-Joke Doctrine," the journalist Ashley Fetters quotes a linguist who goes so far as to say that dad humor online stands as an oasis in what is ...
Kari Lerum publishes two essays in The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ+
Associate Professor Kari Lerum recently published two essays in the second edition of The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ+ Studies. The first essay, "Sex work and Criminalization," is a revised and updated version of Lerum's essay by the same name appearing in the 2016 The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ+ Studies. The essay defines sex work within...
How to Double Space in Word for Your Essay: A Guide for Students
Step 4: In the Home ribbon, find the "Paragraph" section. This is where the "Line and Paragraph Spacing" icon is located, so click on it. Microsoft Word Line and Paragraph Spacing. Step 5: A drop-down menu will open. To set your document to single spacing, click on the "1.0" option, and your document will be formatted according to single spacing.
NPR in Turmoil After It Is Accused of Liberal Bias
In his essay, Mr. Berliner laid some of the blame at the feet of NPR's former chief executive, John Lansing, who said he was retiring at the end of last year after four years in the role. He was ...
Teachers are using AI to grade essays. Students are using AI to write
teaching ChatGPT best practices in her writing workshop class at the University of Lynchburg in Virginia, said she sees the advantages for teachers using AI tools but takes issue with how it can ...
Three episodes in, the Fallout TV series absolutely nails it
I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire — Three episodes in, the Fallout TV series absolutely nails it Hyperviolence, strong characters, cool visuals, and some humor make a good show.
Try this AI Content Detector before you submit your essays
With the help of AI, writing essays has become incredibly easy and time-saving. This revolutionary technology has empowered content writers and academicians to efficiently produce high-quality written material at a fraction of the time it used to take. However, relying solely on AI for generating essays does come with drawbacks.

Essay Jokes

My teacher said "Nathan! Turn in your essay!"

Laughing Through Lines: 100+ Hilarious Essay Jokes

Elevating Essays Through the Power of Laughter:

Essays Crafted with a Dash of Jollity:

Wit and Wisdom in Essay Jokes:

Conclusion:

Are these essay jokes suitable for all ages?

Can I use these essay jokes to impress my English teacher?

What’s the best way to incorporate these jokes into my essays?

How do I avoid overusing jokes in my writing?

Can I share these jokes on social media?

Leave a Comment Cancel Reply

Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

How to Audition

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

How NOT to get booked

Overheard Today in the Post Office

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

From The Joey Reynolds Show

If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

The Answers to Your Questions

Proud to be an American?

Dirty Words on TV

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Random stuff

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

My violent new years resolutions

Welcome to Brooklyn

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Diary of a mad joke-writer

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Cheney should have served in the military

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Goodbye, old cell phone

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

The Name is Shaun

News of the Day

Buying a Job

ARE They on The Job?

Attention Commuters

The NYPD is on the case

Our MBA President

I Was Wrong

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

NBC’s Newest Show

Four Cops Stopped Me

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Suing the Landlord

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Kiss Your House Goodbye

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

I’m having a great day

I Think I Lost This Round

Today’s Mail

Driving While InTalks-icated

My waitressing fantasy

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Think about this

There is no “I” in “Team”

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Mister can you buy me beer?

Trapped in an Elevator

Mitch Hedberg

A Dubious Honor

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

Tourists from another planet

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .