my name essay assignment

Essays About Your Name: Top 5 Examples and 6 Prompts

Every person’s name is special. Read the following essays about your name for examples and prompts to discover how you can create a thoughtful and personal piece.

Whether given or chosen, names have a powerful hold over each person. They can be curious mysteries, reminders of painful pasts, fond monikers, or personal treasures. Like our faintest scars and mental states, they also have deep histories ingrained into our very being. They can become means by which we trace our ancestors, create opportunities, or cherish our present situations. Your name is more than a means of calling your attention. It can convey an abstract idea of your personhood, experiences, and beliefs.

For example, what comes to mind when you hear the name Marilyn Monroe ? Most people think of the iconic blond bombshell from the 1950s to the early 1960s. Depending on how much you know about her, you may know her as a bright and determined woman or a sweet but ditzy character, which she often played in TV and film roles. Her name alone indicates her accolades, skills, and perceived personality.

5 Essay Examples

1. long essay on what’s in a name by prasanna, 2. the story of my name by rong xiaoqing, 3. the mystery of carl miller by sarah miller, 4. name and identity by jennifer wang, 5. call you by your name by roxanne krystalli, 1. the power of nicknames, 2. my unique and interesting name, 3. what it’s like being named after popular people, 4. why i chose this nickname, 5. cultural names and their meanings, 6. my name if i were from a different place.

“In a deep sense what creates the true meaning and power of a name is the worth of the individual or thing as reflected in the outer world.”

Prasanna divides her essay into three parts, explaining how people receive their names, how these monikers affect their identities, and how powerful names can be. The essay title was lifted from William Shakespeare’s “ Romeo and Juliet ,” reiterating Juliet’s profound line, “What’s in a name? What we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” This script refers to the reality that names’ importance is directly related to the unique qualities someone possesses.

For help with your essays, check out our round-up of the best essay checkers .

“Those who read my name did not know how to pronounce it, and those who heard it did not know how to write it.”

Rong shares her struggles of being a Chinese American and the complications of her name. Her name contains two of the most complicated Chinese characters that she found difficult to write when she was young, plus it was hard to pronounce in English. However, when Rong learned the meaning of her name, she fell in love with it.

In the next section of her essay, she talks about instances where names are more than names, referring to cases such as a parent losing custody of their children for giving them Nazi names. Rong also includes relevant studies that connect names and race and the times people deliberately mispronounced her name to be cruel. She concludes that she’s still growing and has all the time in the world to learn more about herself.

Looking for more? Check out these essays about names and essays about self .

“The last name Miller says nothing about me, but if pressed I would say I appreciate the way it evokes a beautiful neutrality, and the way it reminds me that all of us could so easily have been someone else.”

The author, Sarah Miller, only knows part of the story behind her ancestors. In her essay, she shares a few facts about her father’s birth and what she knew of her grandmother, then she recalls how she often asked about her grandfather, Carl Miller. The essay focuses on the author’s curiosity about Carl Miller and her emotional journey about accepting that she might never learn more about him.

“No others show me being stretched between two very different cultures and places—the ‘Jennifer’ clashing with the ‘Wang,’ the ‘Wang’ fighting with the ‘Jennifer.’”

In this short essay, Wang describes her internal confusion between her two cultures, disclosing how she struggles to be in the United States as a Chinese woman. She remembers how she wandered toy aisles looking for dolls with the same skin tone as hers and how she turned to shun her Asian heritage because she didn’t understand it. While the essay centers around Wang trying to introduce herself, her writing echoes the dilemma many young immigrants still face today.

“By the time I went to college, Roxani had been left behind. I was fully Roxanne by then, until one day my roommate beckoned: “Rooooox, do you want to watch an episode of something with me?” My father had an aversion to nicknames and never called me anything short of my full name: Roxani.”

Krystalli talks about how her name transitioned from the Greek Roxani to Roxanne to several other variations and then back again. She shares her life experiences and thoughts about these names as she grew up and gained new monikers. By the end of her essay, Krystalli tells the reader how she yearns to become Roxani again and reconnect with her Greek roots.

6 Prompts for Writing Essays About Your Name

Your nickname has a history that is as unique as yours. Nicknames are unpredictable and can sometimes be challenging to accept. For example, some children often pick nicknames based on their peer’s appearance, particularly if something stands out to them. However, nicknames can often be a sign of affection; naming someone with a nickname can be a way to show your friendship and close bond.

With this prompt, share how you dealt with any given nicknames you didn’t like. You can also speak about a short backstory of how others chose these nicknames. Explain your thoughts when you felt like you had no choice but to take other people’s nicknames for you. 

Whether your parents got creative in naming you or you chose a one-of-a-kind name for yourself, those with unique names share distinct experiences. For example, people may rarely pronounce or read it correctly. Others may have difficulty spelling your name when they need to write it down. 

In this prompt, share your experiences that connect to your unique name. Talk about the most interesting and memorable instances you remember and if you expect them to happen again.

If your parents are die-hard fans and decided to name you after their favorite book character, musician, or public figure, your name can feel like a borrowed one. Although some enjoy sharing names with well-known people, others would rather have a unique name. 

Delve into people’s reactions when they learn your name in your essay. Discuss how you’ve handled their jokes, or share the questions you already anticipate once they realize where your name came from.

Your name can change people’s perception of you, and choosing a nickname gives you control over that. This prompt is excellent if you have a nickname that has no connection with your given name. It’s also a great conversation starter. In your essay, explain why you chose that moniker and what it means to you. 

You can also add how people reacted before and after they learned the history of it. Your nickname doesn’t have to have a deep history. It can be as simple as earning the nickname “Cookie” because you like to eat cookies.

In some cultures, people still practice giving traditional names or nicknames to children, and you may belong to a culture that does the same. If you want to share this experience with your readers, discuss your name in this essay. Explain the language your name comes from, what it means, and why you received it. You can also give other examples, like the nicknames of your siblings, cousins, or ancestors.

Appreciation of another culture can push us to ponder what we’ll be called if we were from that group. If you’ve had an intense interest and appreciation for another culture or country, you may have already thought about how you want to be addressed. Share the name you chose, its meaning, and why you picked it. This also extends to fictional or fantasy worlds or cultures. 

Tip: If writing an essay sounds like a lot of work, simplify it. Write a simple 5 paragraph essay instead. For help picking your next essay topic, check out our 20 engaging essay topics about family .

Maria Caballero is a freelance writer who has been writing since high school. She believes that to be a writer doesn't only refer to excellent syntax and semantics but also knowing how to weave words together to communicate to any reader effectively.

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How to Write an Essay about Your Name

Are you looking for an easy and quick way to write an essay about your name? Then this is the perfect tutorial for you! 

I’m Constance, and in this tutorial, I will show you how to write an essay about your name in six simple steps. I will also give you an example of such an essay as we go through the process step by step.

Let’s begin!

Step 1: Choose your main idea.

If you want to organize your thoughts and present them clearly and concisely in an essay, you need to choose your thesis — a main idea for your essay. Simply take a stand and write it down as a simple sentence.

What do you want to say about your name? Do you like your name? Do you think it’s interesting? Whatever you think of will act as your thesis . 

For example, you can say, “I love my name.”   Note that we kept it really simple. By doing so, we can clearly think of the next things we need for the essay.

Step 2: Think of three supporting ideas.

Trying to write an essay on only one undivided idea or thesis will get you stuck.

So, you need more than one idea. Two ideas are better than one. Three is even better. But four may be too many because you’re just writing a simple essay. 

So, coming up with three supporting ideas is the best method. Why? Because three is the perfect number the brain can handle. And it works all the time! We call it the Power of Three.

So, let’s use the Power of Three to keep our ideas flowing.

The Power of Three is a three-part structure that divides your main idea into three distinct supporting points. It helps create your body paragraphs.

Let’s apply it to an essay about your name. 

Ask yourself – “why do I love my name?” And write down three answers. Here are mine:

• I like its Latin origin .
• I like how my parents came up with it.
• It sounds great .

Using ideas that are too similar to each other may cause writer’s block. So, note that our three supporting points are totally different from one another.

Keep them distinct and simple to avoid running out of things to write down the line.

Step 3: Write your thesis statement.

Now that we have a clear picture of the essay’s structure, we can write a thesis statement.  

When writing a thesis statement, take your main idea and its supporting points and write them out as a sentence or complete sentences in a single paragraph.

Once you’ve written your thesis statement, you have a nice outline for your essay.

Here’s an example of a thesis statement:

“I love my name because I like its Latin origin, the story of how my parents came up with it is pretty cool, and it sounds great, too.”

Note how clear the statement is. We started with our thesis, and the three supporting points sound like great ideas to back it up. So, it works.

Great! Now, we’re ready for the next step.

Step 4: Write the body paragraphs.

After dividing our main idea into three distinct points, we can easily write three body paragraphs for our essay.

When writing a body paragraph , you should start with a topic sentence summarizing the entire paragraph. Then, briefly explain it and illustrate it using examples .

Note that your paragraphs should go from general to specific. 

In a body paragraph, your topic sentence (the first sentence) is the most general statement. After writing your topic sentence, you will unpack it by writing more specifically, using an explanation and examples.

Here are examples of body paragraphs for our essay:

Paragraph 1

One of the few things I like about my name is its etymology. It has a Latin origin, rooted in the word “constantem,” which means “faithful” or “steadfast.” It is a name that represents perseverance and dedication regardless of the challenges ahead. I could not be more proud and grateful for my name’s origin. It reflects my determined personality and my loyalty to the people I love.

Paragraph 2

I also love that I was named after my grandmother Constancia. I appreciate my mom and dad naming me after her – someone I loved so much. My grandmother was an amazing woman. She raised eight kids despite her humble status in life, which highlighted her steadfastness. And she was faithful to her family and supported it however she could.

Paragraph 3

My name has a certain sonorous quality to it with its consonants that roll off the tongue. I am thankful for the sound of my name. It has a beautiful melody to it that I always love to hear. Every time I hear it, it brings me a sense of warmth and joy and puts a smile on my face.

Note how each paragraph proceeds from a general statement to more specific points.

Now that we’ve written our body paragraphs, we are ready for the next step.

Step 5: Write the introduction and conclusion.

Introduction.

An introduction can be just one more general sentence, after which you should simply proceed to your thesis statement, which includes your thesis and three supporting points.

Here’s an example of an entire introductory paragraph:

Many of us may not think much about it, but our names are a part of our identity and can have a lasting impact on us. I love my name because of its Latin origin, the story of how my parents came up with it, and its cool sound. My name means “constant” or “steadfast” in Latin, which reflects my determined personality. It came from my grandmother’s name, Constancia, whom I loved so much. And it just sounds amazing, even if I only say so myself.”

If you want a time-proven, easy, and quick way to write a conclusion for your essays, I recommend restating what you stated in your introduction using different words. 

Here’s an example of a conclusion for our essay:

My name is an important part of my identity and has a special place in my heart. It has a meaningful linguistic origin from the Latin word constantem, meaning “steadfastness.” It is a special reminder of my grandmother, Constancia. And it has a nice ring to it that brings me joy.

Now, we’re ready for the final step.

Step 6: Proofread.

The final step in writing an essay is going back and proofreading it. Look out for:

• Misspellings
• Grammatical errors
• Irrelevant material (stuff that doesn’t belong in the essay)
• Contradictions (make sure you don’t contradict your own points)

And we are done writing an example of an essay about a name. 

I hope you learned a lot in this tutorial. Now go ahead and write an essay about your name!

Tutor Phil is an e-learning professional who helps adult learners finish their degrees by teaching them academic writing skills.

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How to Write an Essay About My Name

If you are a college student, you should know how challenging and time-consuming essay writing may be. Additionally, it is inevitable to highlight that certain types of papers require specific knowledge and expertise. Excellent writing skills, awareness of the academic essay style, and formatting are critical for any assignment you are up to. 

At the same time, it is necessary to highlight that no matter if you are an experienced writer or an amateur, you will be confused the moment you get the task to create a “my name essay.” This type of work requires much more than impeccable writing skills. Instead, the student should be creative and flexible to emphasize the specificity of his/her name and present the results of the background research in an unbiased manner. 

However, before you immerse yourself in the composition writing process, you need to answer the basic questions and deal with the core definitions. So, what’s in a name essay that makes it unique? 

To begin with, it is one of the most creative yet exacting tasks that should include a subjective perspective of the writer. Currently, the popularity of the assignment is growing, as this form of the composition reveals the most important features and skills of the student. Although the topic may seem narrow and boring, there are numerous aspects you can pay attention to so that it becomes impressive and catchy. 

Top 5 Mistakes You Can Make Writing Essay about Your Name

Irrespective of the student’s experience writing college essays, it is inevitable to discover the peculiarities of the texts about your name so that you avoid mistakes and succeed with its accomplishment. At this point, it is critical to emphasize that the learner does not have to invent or create something but rather do research and analyze the available information. Using valid and relevant sources, the learner has a high chance to produce a composition that is interesting and appealing. 

Once you have taken into account various aspects of the question, you should make an effort to find a detailed guide on how to write an essay about your name. Adhering to the recommendations and tips, you will have an opportunity to eliminate mistakes and prosper with the extraordinary assignment from the very first try. 

Besides, check out the list of the most typical mistakes college students make, writing essays about the name, so that you can be confident in the quality, coherence, and excellence of your composition.

• Plagiarized parts. If you strive to write an impeccable and impressive essay about the name, there is no way you succeed without profound research. At the same time, it is inevitable to process information rather than use it as it is.  
• The absence of an intriguing title. Do you want the audience to be excited about the paper? Make sure the title of the essay is not boring or trivial. Stay creative to prosper with this stage of work. 
• Incomplete sentences. Although it may sometimes be a beneficial option that emphasizes the unique style of an author, it rarely works with academic papers. Follow the formal style, avoiding incomplete sentences that start with conjunctions and prepositions. 
• Data inaccuracies. This is an exceptionally important point that may predetermine the quality of your writing. Make sure you use only relevant and up-to-date information gained from trusted and reputable sources. 
• Grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes. Even though these types of errors will not influence the content, they may affect the academic value of the paper. Edit and proofread the essay several times before you submit it.
• Colloquial language. The composition about the name is a type of academic writing college students frequently have to accomplish. As the composition is classified as an academic assignment, it should remain formal in both form and content. 
• The absence of personal perspective. Irrespective of the informative nature of the composition, it requires the author’s point of view. Analyze the information you have found in relevant sources and make your own conclusions. 

How to Write an Essay about Your Name in Three Easy Steps

College students who get my name essay assignment for the first time may be confused, as it seems to be a completely new and unknown type of writing for them. However, once you immerse yourself in the specifications of the composition, you will acknowledge that it has only minor differences from a standard 5-paragraph paper. Do you still doubt your ability to come up with flawless text? Make sure you include the basic structural parts, which will help the audience appreciate your composition. 

• Introduction. As has already been mentioned, the title of the work matters. Hook the readers’ attention , mentioning some of the most impressive facts mentioned in the paper.
• Main body. This is the biggest and the most meaningful part of the composition that should be divided into numerous paragraphs. Keep in mind that different ideas should be included in different passages. 
• Conclusion. Unlike the standard essay, the composition in the paper about my name should include a personal perspective on the question together with the reiteration of the thesis statement. Finally, the writer should summarize the information specified in the text.  

Essays about Names: Effective Tips and Writing Strategies

When it comes to the process of writing such an essay, the list of helpful tips may be exceptionally long. However, if you need to deal with the essay really fast and effectively, you should mind the following ones:

• investigate the topic, paying attention even to the smallest details;
• find out numerous my name essay examples to get impressive ideas you can use in your composition;
• outline the text to keep it well-structured, concise, and coherent;
• include a thesis statement that will clarify your point of view on the issue;
• use short but full sentences, presenting your thoughts on the topic;
• write sentences in the active voice;
• scan the paper for plagiarism;
• proofread and edit the text, if necessary.

Home — Essay Samples — Life — Myself — About My Name

Essays on About My Name

Writing an essay about your name is not only a great way to express yourself, but it also allows you to explore the significance of your name and its impact on your life. In this article, we will explore different types of essays you can write about your name, as well as provide examples to help you get started.

When it comes to choosing a topic for your "About My Name" essay, the possibilities are endless. You can explore the origin and meaning of your name, the cultural significance, or even the personal experiences associated with it. Consider what aspects of your name resonate with you the most and choose a topic that allows you to delve deeper into those areas.

For an argumentative essay about your name, you can explore the impact of names on identity, discrimination based on names, or the significance of name changes. If you're interested in writing a cause and effect essay, you can discuss how your name has influenced your life choices, relationships, or career opportunities. For an opinion essay, you can share your personal beliefs and experiences related to your name, such as the importance of honoring cultural names or the impact of nicknames. If you prefer an informative essay, you can research the history and cultural significance of your name, its variations across different languages and cultures, or the traditions associated with naming in different societies.

For example, in an argumentative essay, you can argue that names have a profound impact on one's identity and self-perception. Your thesis statement could be, "The significance of one's name goes beyond mere identification and can shape an individual's sense of self and belonging."

In the , you can start by sharing a personal anecdote about the significance of your name, then provide some background information on the topic, and finally, present your thesis statement.

In the , you can summarize the key points discussed in your essay, reflect on the significance of your name, and leave the reader with a thought-provoking insight or question to ponder.

With these examples and topics in mind, you're well on your way to writing an engaging and insightful essay about your name. Good luck!

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How to Write an Essay Outline | Guidelines & Examples

Published on August 14, 2020 by Jack Caulfield . Revised on July 23, 2023.

An essay outline is a way of planning the structure of your essay before you start writing. It involves writing quick summary sentences or phrases for every point you will cover in each paragraph , giving you a picture of how your argument will unfold.

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Table of contents

Organizing your material, presentation of the outline, examples of essay outlines, other interesting articles, frequently asked questions about essay outlines.

At the stage where you’re writing an essay outline, your ideas are probably still not fully formed. You should know your topic  and have already done some preliminary research to find relevant sources , but now you need to shape your ideas into a structured argument.

Creating categories

Look over any information, quotes and ideas you’ve noted down from your research and consider the central point you want to make in the essay—this will be the basis of your thesis statement . Once you have an idea of your overall argument, you can begin to organize your material in a way that serves that argument.

Try to arrange your material into categories related to different aspects of your argument. If you’re writing about a literary text, you might group your ideas into themes; in a history essay, it might be several key trends or turning points from the period you’re discussing.

Three main themes or subjects is a common structure for essays. Depending on the length of the essay, you could split the themes into three body paragraphs, or three longer sections with several paragraphs covering each theme.

As you create the outline, look critically at your categories and points: Are any of them irrelevant or redundant? Make sure every topic you cover is clearly related to your thesis statement.

Order of information

When you have your material organized into several categories, consider what order they should appear in.

Your essay will always begin and end with an introduction and conclusion , but the organization of the body is up to you.

Consider these questions to order your material:

• Is there an obvious starting point for your argument?
• Is there one subject that provides an easy transition into another?
• Do some points need to be set up by discussing other points first?

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Within each paragraph, you’ll discuss a single idea related to your overall topic or argument, using several points of evidence or analysis to do so.

In your outline, you present these points as a few short numbered sentences or phrases.They can be split into sub-points when more detail is needed.

The template below shows how you might structure an outline for a five-paragraph essay.

• Thesis statement
• First piece of evidence
• Second piece of evidence
• Summary/synthesis
• Importance of topic
• Strong closing statement

You can choose whether to write your outline in full sentences or short phrases. Be consistent in your choice; don’t randomly write some points as full sentences and others as short phrases.

Examples of outlines for different types of essays are presented below: an argumentative, expository, and literary analysis essay.

Argumentative essay outline

This outline is for a short argumentative essay evaluating the internet’s impact on education. It uses short phrases to summarize each point.

Its body is split into three paragraphs, each presenting arguments about a different aspect of the internet’s effects on education.

• Importance of the internet
• Concerns about internet use
• Thesis statement: Internet use a net positive
• Data exploring this effect
• Analysis indicating it is overstated
• Students’ reading levels over time
• Why this data is questionable
• Video media
• Interactive media
• Speed and simplicity of online research
• Questions about reliability (transitioning into next topic)
• Evidence indicating its ubiquity
• Claims that it discourages engagement with academic writing
• Evidence that Wikipedia warns students not to cite it
• Argument that it introduces students to citation
• Summary of key points
• Value of digital education for students
• Need for optimism to embrace advantages of the internet

Expository essay outline

This is the outline for an expository essay describing how the invention of the printing press affected life and politics in Europe.

The paragraphs are still summarized in short phrases here, but individual points are described with full sentences.

• Claim that the printing press marks the end of the Middle Ages.
• Provide background on the low levels of literacy before the printing press.
• Present the thesis statement: The invention of the printing press increased circulation of information in Europe, paving the way for the Reformation.
• Discuss the very high levels of illiteracy in medieval Europe.
• Describe how literacy and thus knowledge and education were mainly the domain of religious and political elites.
• Indicate how this discouraged political and religious change.
• Describe the invention of the printing press in 1440 by Johannes Gutenberg.
• Show the implications of the new technology for book production.
• Describe the rapid spread of the technology and the printing of the Gutenberg Bible.
• Link to the Reformation.
• Discuss the trend for translating the Bible into vernacular languages during the years following the printing press’s invention.
• Describe Luther’s own translation of the Bible during the Reformation.
• Sketch out the large-scale effects the Reformation would have on religion and politics.
• Summarize the history described.
• Stress the significance of the printing press to the events of this period.

Literary analysis essay outline

The literary analysis essay outlined below discusses the role of theater in Jane Austen’s novel Mansfield Park .

The body of the essay is divided into three different themes, each of which is explored through examples from the book.

• Describe the theatricality of Austen’s works
• Outline the role theater plays in Mansfield Park
• Introduce the research question : How does Austen use theater to express the characters’ morality in Mansfield Park ?
• Discuss Austen’s depiction of the performance at the end of the first volume
• Discuss how Sir Bertram reacts to the acting scheme
• Introduce Austen’s use of stage direction–like details during dialogue
• Explore how these are deployed to show the characters’ self-absorption
• Discuss Austen’s description of Maria and Julia’s relationship as polite but affectionless
• Compare Mrs. Norris’s self-conceit as charitable despite her idleness
• Summarize the three themes: The acting scheme, stage directions, and the performance of morals
• Answer the research question
• Indicate areas for further study

If you want to know more about AI tools , college essays , or fallacies make sure to check out some of our other articles with explanations and examples or go directly to our tools!

• Ad hominem fallacy
• Post hoc fallacy
• Appeal to authority fallacy
• False cause fallacy
• Sunk cost fallacy

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You will sometimes be asked to hand in an essay outline before you start writing your essay . Your supervisor wants to see that you have a clear idea of your structure so that writing will go smoothly.

Even when you do not have to hand it in, writing an essay outline is an important part of the writing process . It’s a good idea to write one (as informally as you like) to clarify your structure for yourself whenever you are working on an essay.

If you have to hand in your essay outline , you may be given specific guidelines stating whether you have to use full sentences. If you’re not sure, ask your supervisor.

When writing an essay outline for yourself, the choice is yours. Some students find it helpful to write out their ideas in full sentences, while others prefer to summarize them in short phrases.

You should try to follow your outline as you write your essay . However, if your ideas change or it becomes clear that your structure could be better, it’s okay to depart from your essay outline . Just make sure you know why you’re doing so.

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The learning network | what’s the story behind your name.

What’s the Story Behind Your Name?

Questions about issues in the news for students 13 and older.

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An article today about a man who did not officially have a first name until he was 19 asks the question, “What’s in a name?” Do you like your name? How did you get it? How has it shaped you? If, like this man, you had to officially name yourself now, would you keep the name you’ve had all your life, or take another? Why?

Erik Eckholm writes about cartoonist Max Pauson and how life without a name shaped him:

…this promising art student’s strong sense of self was hard-earned. It was forged in an unstable, emotionally wrenching childhood and, in an odd detail that might serve as a metaphor for his struggles, it comes after 19 years of life without a legal name. His birth certificate read only “(baby boy) Pauson.” Name to come. His father had disappeared. His mother — in his words, “a pack rat who takes a really long time to decide on anything” — did not pick a first name at the hospital in San Francisco in 1990. And she never followed up, leaving him in a rare and strange limbo. While Mr. Pauson was long aware of the blank spot in his identity, he never quite had the time or means to correct it. He lived with his mother in a house that sometimes lacked electricity. He spent time in foster care and returned to live with his mother in homeless shelters and in public housing. Finally, at 15, he ran away to live with friends’ families. In an era when identities and backgrounds are scrutinized more than ever, he still managed to get into schools, though he never tried to obtain a driver’s license.

Students: Tell us how you got your name, how it defines you, and whether or not you would keep it if you could rename yourself now.

Students 13 and older are invited to comment below. Please use only your first name. For privacy policy reasons, we will not publish student comments that include a last name.

Teachers: Here are ten ways to teach with this feature.

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i would keep mine i would never change mini

Kelly Fortunato is a name that I have answered to multiple times. It has appeared on bills, on my college transcripts, and has been called out loud at the DMV. Unbeknownst to me, it has changed my gender countless times, and prompted me to explain myself on several occasions. People are suprised when I actually introduce my self as Fortunato Kelly. I know that it sounds like the pen name of a 18th century ex-pat, hints at luck, or even passes as regal, but it’s entirely mine, and of varied construction. The latin roots shine through, but I’m blessed to be named after my mother’s father, who was of Filipino, Chinese, and Malay blood. The Kelly roots come from my father, who lools like his Irish, German, and Portuguee roots suggest he should. In analyzing my personal genealogy, I find myself compelled to get others to seek comfort in their individual histories, know where they come from, and live up to the standards set by our lineage in the American experience. In these capricious times, one constant is the safety and security of knowing yourself, and being comfortable with it. Cheers for reading, Fortunato Kelly

So, if he didnt have a name until he was 19, what was the name that people were calling him up until then? was it hey you? or wat? im just wondering because how would people get his attention if he had no name.

If I had to pick out a name for myself, I would have to choose from five names: 1) Isabella 2)Stella 3)Aila 4)Katherine 5)Theresa I would choose one of these names because they are pretty and just roll out of the mouth, much better than mine.

i was named after the arabic word for perfect but people are constantly mispronouncing it. if i cud change my name, id change it to Zoey

I love my name. It’s really pretty, and it has a nice ring. It’s plain, but I’m not plain, so I kind of like that. And I have neat nicknames, like Em, Emmie, Ems and a whole bunch other! Emily.

I got my name from brian because my mom and dad wanted a boy but when i came out they hurry and put an A at the end to make briana. A lot of people have my name and i have always wanted to have a rare name but i dont think i would change it. even if i wanted to i wouldnt know what to change it to.

I like the names GIRLS: 1. Abigail 2. Hannah Marie 3. Bri Ann BOYS: 1. Johnny 2. andrew 3. Dom

I have liked the girls names from when I was 3 and i still do. I like abigail because i use to be a saftey when i was in 5th grade at my school and one of the girls name was abigain and i fell in love with the name.

I like the name johnny because that is my boyfriends name, i like andrew because it is my boy friends brothers name and i just think dom is a cool name

I officially have 2 names. one is Kathleen and one is Hak Young. Hak Young is the name that my parents gave me and Kathleen is just my english name. I love my english name but sometimes i don’t like my korean name. It kinda sounds like boy’s name in korea, and i do want to change my name to something else but that would be too complicated. Thus, i chose not to change my name after all.

I’m a Rebecca after my grandmother Rebecca and straight from the torah, Rebecca. My name connects me to my family, to my history, to my faith, to myself. I’ve always loved being named after my grandmother; loved not being a Becky or a Becca; loved what my name means to me.

My name, Meris, comes from a classmate of my Mom, at the University of Rhode Island, who had a daughter, Meris. I love it, and I couldn’t do so well, as to give myself this name! I would keep; it for sure.

The story behind my name is actually quit funny. I was suppose to be named Alexandra Sarah S[.] untill my dad realized my initiales were gonna be A.S.S. Alexandra was my great grandmothers first name and my mom wanted me to be named after her but she also liked the name Sarah. So now im Sarah Alexandra S[.]

My name is very common in the way it is originally spelled Christine. But my mother decided to be unique and spell my name Kristine. Plenty of times i have had to correct people because they may spell it incorrectly, and i have always been happy with my name because it is just a part of me. When researching my name i had found that it is of Scandinavian descent and basically means christian which is what i am. I am proud of my name and i would never want to change it because it is what my mother named me and it has become me too.

Your name is the one part of your life that society cannot strip away. Even the most destitute people, those living on the streets, do have one thing to cherish– their identity. A name is only as special as one makes it throughout their life, and is a reflection of how well one lives their life. On the one end of the spectrum, you have those who have ended up making their names known for the wrong reason, aka the FBI Ten Most Wanted Criminals. On the other end, you have those people whose names are to be revered because of the good they have done or the influence they have. And then there are those whose names have been stamped into history. If one is capable of doing something extremely remarkable (or extremely terrible during a critical period) history will remember your name long after you have died and impress upon you legacy. Names are an essential tool, without which one cannot hope to fathom working in the modern world.

My name in particular, Zahra, is derived from Arabic origins meaning “starlight.” I find my name to be a bit out of tune with other people, but generally I am quite fond of it. I sometimes feel queer about it though because I feel that people find it a bit odd to say, but I don’t mind in the least. Originally, my mother wanted to name me Aisha, but a few days after I was born, I became very sick. My grandmother suggested that the name “Aisha” didn’t “suit me very well” and was the cause of my illness. Of course that was not true, but my mm reconsidered and changed my name to Zahra.

My middle name came from my grandmother’s name. I was named after her because my mother is very close with her, and the name has a good message. I got my first name because my mom liked it. It’s Italian, and I am Italian. My mom was going to name both my brothers my name if they were girls.

My name means Rival Torch, from some What Does My Name Mean website. Otherwise, my mom liked Emily and my great grandma’s name was Lena. Emily Lena. ~Emily Lena

I was born named Baby Girl Medrano

I love my name. Amanda- one who is lovable or one eho loves. ^(^

My name is Melissa. I love my name exactly the way it is. My name means honey bee. My mom liked the name Melissa because when she was little her job was to take out the honey for the bees. So she thought to name the youngest a name that means honey bee.

My first name I don’t think describes me, boring normal story my mom read a baby book and found Laura and fell in love with it but my father thought that Lauren sounded better with my last name. I think my middle name is what really defines my personality and is strongly connected to my roots. My middle name is Keating. My mom noticed that my grandma’s maiden name would not be passed on to anyone because her brother never got married. So she decided to carry on the semi-lost family name she passed it to me. I think this defines me because I’m traditional and strongly connected to my roots. Also because Keating is different and I love being unique. Though it is still traditional.

I was born in Vicenza, Italy, on the army base. My mom and other women on the base would pick Italian or Latin names. So I was named Mercedes. Many people compare my name to the car, but I tell them this; Benz, the car maker, got the name Mercedes from the daughter of a friend of his, who was a French Financer. I love my name, not because it is named after the car, but because its’ meaning. Mercedes drivesa latin word that means merciful and I love it!!!

My name is Chrysanthi. I love my name and i would never change it. It means ”golden flower”.

My name is Samantha , and I don’t think I would want to change my name because I can be called by short nick names. Like sammy, or sam is fine with me. My mom and dad thought of the name, but this was going to be my middle name but my dad liked the name Samantha better. I think my name fits me well, and I wouldn’t want to change it at all.

I have been called Mickey, Mickey Mouse, Rob, Robbie, Robinarama. Don’t mind nicknames if they are from good friends or family. Another insulting use of general nicknames for females is, “sweetheart, honey, babe, etc. by men with whom you are NOT familiar. I will always correct them by telling them, “My name is not honey,” or ” I have a name, address me by it.” You don’t hear men being called babe or honey by strangers. Absolutely unacceptable.

What's Next

Understanding Assignments

What this handout is about.

The first step in any successful college writing venture is reading the assignment. While this sounds like a simple task, it can be a tough one. This handout will help you unravel your assignment and begin to craft an effective response. Much of the following advice will involve translating typical assignment terms and practices into meaningful clues to the type of writing your instructor expects. See our short video for more tips.

Basic beginnings

Regardless of the assignment, department, or instructor, adopting these two habits will serve you well :

• Read the assignment carefully as soon as you receive it. Do not put this task off—reading the assignment at the beginning will save you time, stress, and problems later. An assignment can look pretty straightforward at first, particularly if the instructor has provided lots of information. That does not mean it will not take time and effort to complete; you may even have to learn a new skill to complete the assignment.
• Ask the instructor about anything you do not understand. Do not hesitate to approach your instructor. Instructors would prefer to set you straight before you hand the paper in. That’s also when you will find their feedback most useful.

Assignment formats

Many assignments follow a basic format. Assignments often begin with an overview of the topic, include a central verb or verbs that describe the task, and offer some additional suggestions, questions, or prompts to get you started.

An Overview of Some Kind

The instructor might set the stage with some general discussion of the subject of the assignment, introduce the topic, or remind you of something pertinent that you have discussed in class. For example:

“Throughout history, gerbils have played a key role in politics,” or “In the last few weeks of class, we have focused on the evening wear of the housefly …”

The Task of the Assignment

Pay attention; this part tells you what to do when you write the paper. Look for the key verb or verbs in the sentence. Words like analyze, summarize, or compare direct you to think about your topic in a certain way. Also pay attention to words such as how, what, when, where, and why; these words guide your attention toward specific information. (See the section in this handout titled “Key Terms” for more information.)

“Analyze the effect that gerbils had on the Russian Revolution”, or “Suggest an interpretation of housefly undergarments that differs from Darwin’s.”

Additional Material to Think about

Here you will find some questions to use as springboards as you begin to think about the topic. Instructors usually include these questions as suggestions rather than requirements. Do not feel compelled to answer every question unless the instructor asks you to do so. Pay attention to the order of the questions. Sometimes they suggest the thinking process your instructor imagines you will need to follow to begin thinking about the topic.

“You may wish to consider the differing views held by Communist gerbils vs. Monarchist gerbils, or Can there be such a thing as ‘the housefly garment industry’ or is it just a home-based craft?”

These are the instructor’s comments about writing expectations:

“Be concise”, “Write effectively”, or “Argue furiously.”

Technical Details

These instructions usually indicate format rules or guidelines.

“Your paper must be typed in Palatino font on gray paper and must not exceed 600 pages. It is due on the anniversary of Mao Tse-tung’s death.”

The assignment’s parts may not appear in exactly this order, and each part may be very long or really short. Nonetheless, being aware of this standard pattern can help you understand what your instructor wants you to do.

Interpreting the assignment

Ask yourself a few basic questions as you read and jot down the answers on the assignment sheet:

Why did your instructor ask you to do this particular task?

Who is your audience.

• What kind of evidence do you need to support your ideas?

What kind of writing style is acceptable?

• What are the absolute rules of the paper?

Try to look at the question from the point of view of the instructor. Recognize that your instructor has a reason for giving you this assignment and for giving it to you at a particular point in the semester. In every assignment, the instructor has a challenge for you. This challenge could be anything from demonstrating an ability to think clearly to demonstrating an ability to use the library. See the assignment not as a vague suggestion of what to do but as an opportunity to show that you can handle the course material as directed. Paper assignments give you more than a topic to discuss—they ask you to do something with the topic. Keep reminding yourself of that. Be careful to avoid the other extreme as well: do not read more into the assignment than what is there.

Of course, your instructor has given you an assignment so that he or she will be able to assess your understanding of the course material and give you an appropriate grade. But there is more to it than that. Your instructor has tried to design a learning experience of some kind. Your instructor wants you to think about something in a particular way for a particular reason. If you read the course description at the beginning of your syllabus, review the assigned readings, and consider the assignment itself, you may begin to see the plan, purpose, or approach to the subject matter that your instructor has created for you. If you still aren’t sure of the assignment’s goals, try asking the instructor. For help with this, see our handout on getting feedback .

Given your instructor’s efforts, it helps to answer the question: What is my purpose in completing this assignment? Is it to gather research from a variety of outside sources and present a coherent picture? Is it to take material I have been learning in class and apply it to a new situation? Is it to prove a point one way or another? Key words from the assignment can help you figure this out. Look for key terms in the form of active verbs that tell you what to do.

Key Terms: Finding Those Active Verbs

Here are some common key words and definitions to help you think about assignment terms:

Information words Ask you to demonstrate what you know about the subject, such as who, what, when, where, how, and why.

• define —give the subject’s meaning (according to someone or something). Sometimes you have to give more than one view on the subject’s meaning
• describe —provide details about the subject by answering question words (such as who, what, when, where, how, and why); you might also give details related to the five senses (what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell)
• explain —give reasons why or examples of how something happened
• illustrate —give descriptive examples of the subject and show how each is connected with the subject
• summarize —briefly list the important ideas you learned about the subject
• trace —outline how something has changed or developed from an earlier time to its current form
• research —gather material from outside sources about the subject, often with the implication or requirement that you will analyze what you have found

Relation words Ask you to demonstrate how things are connected.

• compare —show how two or more things are similar (and, sometimes, different)
• contrast —show how two or more things are dissimilar
• apply—use details that you’ve been given to demonstrate how an idea, theory, or concept works in a particular situation
• cause —show how one event or series of events made something else happen
• relate —show or describe the connections between things

Interpretation words Ask you to defend ideas of your own about the subject. Do not see these words as requesting opinion alone (unless the assignment specifically says so), but as requiring opinion that is supported by concrete evidence. Remember examples, principles, definitions, or concepts from class or research and use them in your interpretation.

• assess —summarize your opinion of the subject and measure it against something
• prove, justify —give reasons or examples to demonstrate how or why something is the truth
• evaluate, respond —state your opinion of the subject as good, bad, or some combination of the two, with examples and reasons
• support —give reasons or evidence for something you believe (be sure to state clearly what it is that you believe)
• synthesize —put two or more things together that have not been put together in class or in your readings before; do not just summarize one and then the other and say that they are similar or different—you must provide a reason for putting them together that runs all the way through the paper
• analyze —determine how individual parts create or relate to the whole, figure out how something works, what it might mean, or why it is important
• argue —take a side and defend it with evidence against the other side

More Clues to Your Purpose As you read the assignment, think about what the teacher does in class:

• What kinds of textbooks or coursepack did your instructor choose for the course—ones that provide background information, explain theories or perspectives, or argue a point of view?
• In lecture, does your instructor ask your opinion, try to prove her point of view, or use keywords that show up again in the assignment?
• What kinds of assignments are typical in this discipline? Social science classes often expect more research. Humanities classes thrive on interpretation and analysis.
• How do the assignments, readings, and lectures work together in the course? Instructors spend time designing courses, sometimes even arguing with their peers about the most effective course materials. Figuring out the overall design to the course will help you understand what each assignment is meant to achieve.

Now, what about your reader? Most undergraduates think of their audience as the instructor. True, your instructor is a good person to keep in mind as you write. But for the purposes of a good paper, think of your audience as someone like your roommate: smart enough to understand a clear, logical argument, but not someone who already knows exactly what is going on in your particular paper. Remember, even if the instructor knows everything there is to know about your paper topic, he or she still has to read your paper and assess your understanding. In other words, teach the material to your reader.

Aiming a paper at your audience happens in two ways: you make decisions about the tone and the level of information you want to convey.

• Tone means the “voice” of your paper. Should you be chatty, formal, or objective? Usually you will find some happy medium—you do not want to alienate your reader by sounding condescending or superior, but you do not want to, um, like, totally wig on the man, you know? Eschew ostentatious erudition: some students think the way to sound academic is to use big words. Be careful—you can sound ridiculous, especially if you use the wrong big words.
• The level of information you use depends on who you think your audience is. If you imagine your audience as your instructor and she already knows everything you have to say, you may find yourself leaving out key information that can cause your argument to be unconvincing and illogical. But you do not have to explain every single word or issue. If you are telling your roommate what happened on your favorite science fiction TV show last night, you do not say, “First a dark-haired white man of average height, wearing a suit and carrying a flashlight, walked into the room. Then a purple alien with fifteen arms and at least three eyes turned around. Then the man smiled slightly. In the background, you could hear a clock ticking. The room was fairly dark and had at least two windows that I saw.” You also do not say, “This guy found some aliens. The end.” Find some balance of useful details that support your main point.

You’ll find a much more detailed discussion of these concepts in our handout on audience .

The Grim Truth

With a few exceptions (including some lab and ethnography reports), you are probably being asked to make an argument. You must convince your audience. It is easy to forget this aim when you are researching and writing; as you become involved in your subject matter, you may become enmeshed in the details and focus on learning or simply telling the information you have found. You need to do more than just repeat what you have read. Your writing should have a point, and you should be able to say it in a sentence. Sometimes instructors call this sentence a “thesis” or a “claim.”

So, if your instructor tells you to write about some aspect of oral hygiene, you do not want to just list: “First, you brush your teeth with a soft brush and some peanut butter. Then, you floss with unwaxed, bologna-flavored string. Finally, gargle with bourbon.” Instead, you could say, “Of all the oral cleaning methods, sandblasting removes the most plaque. Therefore it should be recommended by the American Dental Association.” Or, “From an aesthetic perspective, moldy teeth can be quite charming. However, their joys are short-lived.”

Convincing the reader of your argument is the goal of academic writing. It doesn’t have to say “argument” anywhere in the assignment for you to need one. Look at the assignment and think about what kind of argument you could make about it instead of just seeing it as a checklist of information you have to present. For help with understanding the role of argument in academic writing, see our handout on argument .

What kind of evidence do you need?

There are many kinds of evidence, and what type of evidence will work for your assignment can depend on several factors–the discipline, the parameters of the assignment, and your instructor’s preference. Should you use statistics? Historical examples? Do you need to conduct your own experiment? Can you rely on personal experience? See our handout on evidence for suggestions on how to use evidence appropriately.

Make sure you are clear about this part of the assignment, because your use of evidence will be crucial in writing a successful paper. You are not just learning how to argue; you are learning how to argue with specific types of materials and ideas. Ask your instructor what counts as acceptable evidence. You can also ask a librarian for help. No matter what kind of evidence you use, be sure to cite it correctly—see the UNC Libraries citation tutorial .

You cannot always tell from the assignment just what sort of writing style your instructor expects. The instructor may be really laid back in class but still expect you to sound formal in writing. Or the instructor may be fairly formal in class and ask you to write a reflection paper where you need to use “I” and speak from your own experience.

Try to avoid false associations of a particular field with a style (“art historians like wacky creativity,” or “political scientists are boring and just give facts”) and look instead to the types of readings you have been given in class. No one expects you to write like Plato—just use the readings as a guide for what is standard or preferable to your instructor. When in doubt, ask your instructor about the level of formality she or he expects.

No matter what field you are writing for or what facts you are including, if you do not write so that your reader can understand your main idea, you have wasted your time. So make clarity your main goal. For specific help with style, see our handout on style .

Technical details about the assignment

The technical information you are given in an assignment always seems like the easy part. This section can actually give you lots of little hints about approaching the task. Find out if elements such as page length and citation format (see the UNC Libraries citation tutorial ) are negotiable. Some professors do not have strong preferences as long as you are consistent and fully answer the assignment. Some professors are very specific and will deduct big points for deviations.

Usually, the page length tells you something important: The instructor thinks the size of the paper is appropriate to the assignment’s parameters. In plain English, your instructor is telling you how many pages it should take for you to answer the question as fully as you are expected to. So if an assignment is two pages long, you cannot pad your paper with examples or reword your main idea several times. Hit your one point early, defend it with the clearest example, and finish quickly. If an assignment is ten pages long, you can be more complex in your main points and examples—and if you can only produce five pages for that assignment, you need to see someone for help—as soon as possible.

Tricks that don’t work

Your instructors are not fooled when you:

• spend more time on the cover page than the essay —graphics, cool binders, and cute titles are no replacement for a well-written paper.
• use huge fonts, wide margins, or extra spacing to pad the page length —these tricks are immediately obvious to the eye. Most instructors use the same word processor you do. They know what’s possible. Such tactics are especially damning when the instructor has a stack of 60 papers to grade and yours is the only one that low-flying airplane pilots could read.
• use a paper from another class that covered “sort of similar” material . Again, the instructor has a particular task for you to fulfill in the assignment that usually relates to course material and lectures. Your other paper may not cover this material, and turning in the same paper for more than one course may constitute an Honor Code violation . Ask the instructor—it can’t hurt.
• get all wacky and “creative” before you answer the question . Showing that you are able to think beyond the boundaries of a simple assignment can be good, but you must do what the assignment calls for first. Again, check with your instructor. A humorous tone can be refreshing for someone grading a stack of papers, but it will not get you a good grade if you have not fulfilled the task.

Critical reading of assignments leads to skills in other types of reading and writing. If you get good at figuring out what the real goals of assignments are, you are going to be better at understanding the goals of all of your classes and fields of study.

You may reproduce it for non-commercial use if you use the entire handout and attribute the source: The Writing Center, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

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• Designing Essay Assignments

by Gordon Harvey

Students often do their best and hardest thinking, and feel the greatest sense of mastery and growth, in their writing. Courses and assignments should be planned with this in mind. Three principles are paramount:

1. Name what you want and imagine students doing it

However free students are to range and explore in a paper, the general kind of paper you’re inviting has common components, operations, and criteria of success, and you should make these explicit. Having satisfied yourself, as you should, that what you’re asking is doable, with dignity, by writers just learning the material, try to anticipate in your prompt or discussions of the assignment the following queries:

• What is the purpose of this? How am I going beyond what we have done, or applying it in a new area, or practicing a key academic skill or kind of work?
• To what audience should I imagine myself writing?
• What is the main task or tasks, in a nutshell? What does that key word (e.g., analyze, significance of, critique, explore, interesting, support) really mean in this context or this field?
• What will be most challenging in this and what qualities will most distinguish a good paper? Where should I put my energy? (Lists of possible questions for students to answer in a paper are often not sufficiently prioritized to be helpful.)
• What misconceptions might I have about what I’m to do? (How is this like or unlike other papers I may have written?) Are there too-easy approaches I might take or likely pitfalls? An ambitious goal or standard that I might think I’m expected to meet but am not?
• What form will evidence take in my paper (e.g., block quotations? paraphrase? graphs or charts?) How should I cite it? Should I use/cite material from lecture or section?
• Are there some broad options for structure, emphasis, or approach that I’ll likely be choosing among?
• How should I get started on this? What would be a helpful (or unhelpful) way to take notes, gather data, discover a question or idea? Should I do research? 

2. Take time in class to prepare students to succeed at the paper

Resist the impulse to think of class meetings as time for “content” and of writing as work done outside class. Your students won’t have mastered the art of paper writing (if such a mastery is possible) and won’t know the particular disciplinary expectations or moves relevant to the material at hand. Take time in class to show them: 

• discuss the assignment in class when you give it, so students can see that you take it seriously, so they can ask questions about it, so they can have it in mind during subsequent class discussions;
• introduce the analytic vocabulary of your assignment into class discussions, and take opportunities to note relevant moves made in discussion or good paper topics that arise;
• have students practice key tasks in class discussions, or in informal writing they do in before or after discussions;
• show examples of writing that illustrates components and criteria of the assignment and that inspires (class readings can sometimes serve as illustrations of a writing principle; so can short excerpts of writing—e.g., a sampling of introductions; and so can bad writing—e.g., a list of problematic thesis statements);
• the topics of originality and plagiarism (what the temptations might be, how to avoid risks) should at some point be addressed directly. 

3. Build in process

Ideas develop over time, in a process of posing and revising and getting feedback and revising some more. Assignments should allow for this process in the following ways:

• smaller assignments should prepare for larger ones later;
• students should do some thinking and writing before they write a draft and get a response to it (even if only a response to a proposal or thesis statement sent by email, or described in class);
• for larger papers, students should write and get response (using the skills vocabulary of the assignment) to a draft—at least an “oral draft” (condensed for delivery to the class);
• if possible, meet with students individually about their writing: nothing inspires them more than feeling that you care about their work and development;
• let students reflect on their own writing, in brief cover letters attached to drafts and revisions (these may also ask students to perform certain checks on what they have written, before submitting);
• have clear and firm policies about late work that nonetheless allow for exception if students talk to you in advance.
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Overcoming Communication Barriers Throughout elementary and middle school, I was known as the quietest student in the class. As I entered 11th grade, the condition deteriorated, and my classmates dubbed me "the quiet one." I was the one that everybody assumed would shrink in the back of the classroom if a...

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I've been asked many times if I can continue with the revolution now that I know what I know. My answer has always been and will always be affirmative. I regret that people had to die as a result of the revolt. However, I believe that if we had not started...

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The Annoying Aspects of my Name

My name is the most annoying part of my childhood. From the ages of 2 to 10 whenever someone would write my name, it would always come out as Lexie or Lexy, but never Lexi. I never found Lexi key chains, mugs, or bike license plates. Alas, I was the one kid sifting through all the souvenirs looking for the simple four letter name. Unfortunately, this was only one of the bad aspects of my name.

Being one of the 25 Jewish families in a graduating class of 300 people it is important for my family to maintain our Jewish heritage, and one of the most important parts of my family heritage is my name, Alexandra. Although this name that I am supposed to identify is so significant to my family I feel like a person’s name should be original and make her feel like she stand out. Yet the fact that I carry an ancestor’s name with me has kept me form legally changing my name. My greatest goal in life is to be a unique person with an equally interesting name.

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My “name envy” began in pre-school. While the teacher could easily spell names like Julia, Nina, Danny, and Sam, she could never correctly spell Lexi. No matter how many times I tried to say I was Lexi, nobody was able to grasp the spelling of my name. Therefore, I was forced to be someone I was not, Lexie.

I began attending Sea Cliff Elementary School where I was the youngest, smallest, and most adventurous person in my grade. While other kids sat around at playtime and created a picture, I would lead the “Imagination Section” where kids would make up their own games and theater productions in twenty minutes. On the top of my skit sheet Lexi was properly spelled for the first time in five years.

As I grew older questions were posed like: Why did you change your name? Why did you choose Lexi? How does Lexi have anything to do with Alexandra? Why did you choose such an odd spelling of your name? I answered these questions one by one in my own unique way, with a different response each time. Since I was unclear as to why I changed my name due to the fact I have been Lexi my entire life.

After second grade I began to become my own unique person and I began to discover that I didn’t want to be a prim and proper girl with the name Alexandra. So, I learned how to show my ideas and succeed in the classroom. In second grade I was chosen to lead the lunch-line, in third grade I was chosen to lead the reading passages, in the fourth grade I was chosen to lead group discussions, and as I grew older I kept on adding to my name and what it represents. I was learning how to be a leader.

Now I am proud when a substitute teacher or new teacher calls the name Alexandra Stoff and I insist on being called Lexi. When the substitute has to ask how to spell my name after five minutes of debate, I feel I am adding a new word to there vocabulary. So as I grow to be an independent woman, and continue to develop my own unique self, I will have to choose between the names Alexandra and Lexi and which name most represents me, but for now I will continue to identify and discover myself…. and most of all be unique.

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Crying Myself to Sleep on the Biggest Cruise Ship Ever

Seven agonizing nights aboard the Icon of the Seas

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Updated at 2:44 p.m. ET on April 6, 2024.

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MY FIRST GLIMPSE of Royal Caribbean’s Icon of the Seas, from the window of an approaching Miami cab, brings on a feeling of vertigo, nausea, amazement, and distress. I shut my eyes in defense, as my brain tells my optic nerve to try again.

The ship makes no sense, vertically or horizontally. It makes no sense on sea, or on land, or in outer space. It looks like a hodgepodge of domes and minarets, tubes and canopies, like Istanbul had it been designed by idiots. Vibrant, oversignifying colors are stacked upon other such colors, decks perched over still more decks; the only comfort is a row of lifeboats ringing its perimeter. There is no imposed order, no cogent thought, and, for those who do not harbor a totalitarian sense of gigantomania, no visual mercy. This is the biggest cruise ship ever built, and I have been tasked with witnessing its inaugural voyage.

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“Author embarks on their first cruise-ship voyage” has been a staple of American essay writing for almost three decades, beginning with David Foster Wallace’s “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” which was first published in 1996 under the title “Shipping Out.” Since then, many admirable writers have widened and diversified the genre. Usually the essayist commissioned to take to the sea is in their first or second flush of youth and is ready to sharpen their wit against the hull of the offending vessel. I am 51, old and tired, having seen much of the world as a former travel journalist, and mostly what I do in both life and prose is shrug while muttering to my imaginary dachshund, “This too shall pass.” But the Icon of the Seas will not countenance a shrug. The Icon of the Seas is the Linda Loman of cruise ships, exclaiming that attention must be paid. And here I am in late January with my one piece of luggage and useless gray winter jacket and passport, zipping through the Port of Miami en route to the gangway that will separate me from the bulk of North America for more than seven days, ready to pay it in full.

The aforementioned gangway opens up directly onto a thriving mall (I will soon learn it is imperiously called the “Royal Promenade”), presently filled with yapping passengers beneath a ceiling studded with balloons ready to drop. Crew members from every part of the global South, as well as a few Balkans, are shepherding us along while pressing flutes of champagne into our hands. By a humming Starbucks, I drink as many of these as I can and prepare to find my cabin. I show my blue Suite Sky SeaPass Card (more on this later, much more) to a smiling woman from the Philippines, and she tells me to go “aft.” Which is where, now? As someone who has rarely sailed on a vessel grander than the Staten Island Ferry, I am confused. It turns out that the aft is the stern of the ship, or, for those of us who don’t know what a stern or an aft are, its ass. The nose of the ship, responsible for separating the waves before it, is also called a bow, and is marked for passengers as the FWD , or forward. The part of the contemporary sailing vessel where the malls are clustered is called the midship. I trust that you have enjoyed this nautical lesson.

I ascend via elevator to my suite on Deck 11. This is where I encounter my first terrible surprise. My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean? Unthinkable.

Allow me a brief preamble here. The story you are reading was commissioned at a moment when most staterooms on the Icon were sold out. In fact, so enthralled by the prospect of this voyage were hard-core mariners that the ship’s entire inventory of guest rooms (the Icon can accommodate up to 7,600 passengers, but its inaugural journey was reduced to 5,000 or so for a less crowded experience) was almost immediately sold out. Hence, this publication was faced with the shocking prospect of paying nearly $19,000 to procure for this solitary passenger an entire suite—not including drinking expenses—all for the privilege of bringing you this article. But the suite in question doesn’t even have a view of the ocean! I sit down hard on my soft bed. Nineteen thousand dollars for this .

The viewless suite does have its pluses. In addition to all the Malin+Goetz products in my dual bathrooms, I am granted use of a dedicated Suite Deck lounge; access to Coastal Kitchen, a superior restaurant for Suites passengers; complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream (“the fastest Internet at Sea”) “for one device per person for the whole cruise duration”; a pair of bathrobes (one of which comes prestained with what looks like a large expectoration by the greenest lizard on Earth); and use of the Grove Suite Sun, an area on Decks 18 and 19 with food and deck chairs reserved exclusively for Suite passengers. I also get reserved seating for a performance of The Wizard of Oz , an ice-skating tribute to the periodic table, and similar provocations. The very color of my Suite Sky SeaPass Card, an oceanic blue as opposed to the cloying royal purple of the standard non-Suite passenger, will soon provoke envy and admiration. But as high as my status may be, there are those on board who have much higher status still, and I will soon learn to bow before them.

In preparation for sailing, I have “priced in,” as they say on Wall Street, the possibility that I may come from a somewhat different monde than many of the other cruisers. Without falling into stereotypes or preconceptions, I prepare myself for a friendly outspokenness on the part of my fellow seafarers that may not comply with modern DEI standards. I believe in meeting people halfway, and so the day before flying down to Miami, I visited what remains of Little Italy to purchase a popular T-shirt that reads DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL across the breast in the colors of the Italian flag. My wife recommended that I bring one of my many T-shirts featuring Snoopy and the Peanuts gang, as all Americans love the beagle and his friends. But I naively thought that my meatball T-shirt would be more suitable for conversation-starting. “Oh, and who is your ‘daddy’?” some might ask upon seeing it. “And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’?” And so on.

I put on my meatball T-shirt and head for one of the dining rooms to get a late lunch. In the elevator, I stick out my chest for all to read the funny legend upon it, but soon I realize that despite its burnished tricolor letters, no one takes note. More to the point, no one takes note of me. Despite my attempts at bridge building, the very sight of me (small, ethnic, without a cap bearing the name of a football team) elicits no reaction from other passengers. Most often, they will small-talk over me as if I don’t exist. This brings to mind the travails of David Foster Wallace , who felt so ostracized by his fellow passengers that he retreated to his cabin for much of his voyage. And Wallace was raised primarily in the Midwest and was a much larger, more American-looking meatball than I am. If he couldn’t talk to these people, how will I? What if I leave this ship without making any friends at all, despite my T-shirt? I am a social creature, and the prospect of seven days alone and apart is saddening. Wallace’s stateroom, at least, had a view of the ocean, a kind of cheap eternity.

Worse awaits me in the dining room. This is a large, multichandeliered room where I attended my safety training (I was shown how to put on a flotation vest; it is a very simple procedure). But the maître d’ politely refuses me entry in an English that seems to verge on another language. “I’m sorry, this is only for pendejos ,” he seems to be saying. I push back politely and he repeats himself. Pendejos ? Piranhas? There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite!” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. He examines my card again. “But you are not a pendejo ,” he confirms. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him. I am the essence of pendejo .

Eventually, I give up and head to the plebeian buffet on Deck 15, which has an aquatic-styled name I have now forgotten. Before gaining entry to this endless cornucopia of reheated food, one passes a washing station of many sinks and soap dispensers, and perhaps the most intriguing character on the entire ship. He is Mr. Washy Washy—or, according to his name tag, Nielbert of the Philippines—and he is dressed as a taco (on other occasions, I’ll see him dressed as a burger). Mr. Washy Washy performs an eponymous song in spirited, indeed flamboyant English: “Washy, washy, wash your hands, WASHY WASHY!” The dangers of norovirus and COVID on a cruise ship this size (a giant fellow ship was stricken with the former right after my voyage) makes Mr. Washy Washy an essential member of the crew. The problem lies with the food at the end of Washy’s rainbow. The buffet is groaning with what sounds like sophisticated dishes—marinated octopus, boiled egg with anchovy, chorizo, lobster claws—but every animal tastes tragically the same, as if there was only one creature available at the market, a “cruisipus” bred specifically for Royal Caribbean dining. The “vegetables” are no better. I pick up a tomato slice and look right through it. It tastes like cellophane. I sit alone, apart from the couples and parents with gaggles of children, as “We Are Family” echoes across the buffet space.

I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us. We glance at it with pity, because it is by definition a smaller ship than our own. I am on Deck 15, outside the buffet and overlooking a bunch of pools (the Icon has seven of them), drinking a frilly drink that I got from one of the bars (the Icon has 15 of them), still too shy to speak to anyone, despite Sister Sledge’s assertion that all on the ship are somehow related.

Kim Brooks: On failing the family vacation

The ship’s passage away from Ron DeSantis’s Florida provides no frisson, no sense of developing “sea legs,” as the ship is too large to register the presence of waves unless a mighty wind adds significant chop. It is time for me to register the presence of the 5,000 passengers around me, even if they refuse to register mine. My fellow travelers have prepared for this trip with personally decorated T-shirts celebrating the importance of this voyage. The simplest ones say ICON INAUGURAL ’24 on the back and the family name on the front. Others attest to an over-the-top love of cruise ships: WARNING! MAY START TALKING ABOUT CRUISING . Still others are artisanally designed and celebrate lifetimes spent married while cruising (on ships, of course). A couple possibly in their 90s are wearing shirts whose backs feature a drawing of a cruise liner, two flamingos with ostensibly male and female characteristics, and the legend “ HUSBAND AND WIFE Cruising Partners FOR LIFE WE MAY NOT HAVE IT All Together BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL .” (The words not in all caps have been written in cursive.) A real journalist or a more intrepid conversationalist would have gone up to the couple and asked them to explain the longevity of their marriage vis-à-vis their love of cruising. But instead I head to my mall suite, take off my meatball T-shirt, and allow the first tears of the cruise to roll down my cheeks slowly enough that I briefly fall asleep amid the moisture and salt.

I WAKE UP with a hangover. Oh God. Right. I cannot believe all of that happened last night. A name floats into my cobwebbed, nauseated brain: “Ayn Rand.” Jesus Christ.

I breakfast alone at the Coastal Kitchen. The coffee tastes fine and the eggs came out of a bird. The ship rolls slightly this morning; I can feel it in my thighs and my schlong, the parts of me that are most receptive to danger.

I had a dangerous conversation last night. After the sun set and we were at least 50 miles from shore (most modern cruise ships sail at about 23 miles an hour), I lay in bed softly hiccupping, my arms stretched out exactly like Jesus on the cross, the sound of the distant waves missing from my mall-facing suite, replaced by the hum of air-conditioning and children shouting in Spanish through the vents of my two bathrooms. I decided this passivity was unacceptable. As an immigrant, I feel duty-bound to complete the tasks I am paid for, which means reaching out and trying to understand my fellow cruisers. So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly.

I sat at the bar for a martini and two Negronis. An old man with thick, hairy forearms drank next to me, very silent and Hemingwaylike, while a dreadlocked piano player tinkled out a series of excellent Elton John covers. To my right, a young white couple—he in floral shorts, she in a light, summery miniskirt with a fearsome diamond ring, neither of them in football regalia—chatted with an elderly couple. Do it , I commanded myself. Open your mouth. Speak! Speak without being spoken to. Initiate. A sentence fragment caught my ear from the young woman, “Cherry Hill.” This is a suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey, and I had once been there for a reading at a synagogue. “Excuse me,” I said gently to her. “Did you just mention Cherry Hill? It’s a lovely place.”

As it turned out, the couple now lived in Fort Lauderdale (the number of Floridians on the cruise surprised me, given that Southern Florida is itself a kind of cruise ship, albeit one slowly sinking), but soon they were talking with me exclusively—the man potbellied, with a chin like a hard-boiled egg; the woman as svelte as if she were one of the many Ukrainian members of the crew—the elderly couple next to them forgotten. This felt as groundbreaking as the first time I dared to address an American in his native tongue, as a child on a bus in Queens (“On my foot you are standing, Mister”).

“I don’t want to talk politics,” the man said. “But they’re going to eighty-six Biden and put Michelle in.”

I considered the contradictions of his opening conversational gambit, but decided to play along. “People like Michelle,” I said, testing the waters. The husband sneered, but the wife charitably put forward that the former first lady was “more personable” than Joe Biden. “They’re gonna eighty-six Biden,” the husband repeated. “He can’t put a sentence together.”

After I mentioned that I was a writer—though I presented myself as a writer of teleplays instead of novels and articles such as this one—the husband told me his favorite writer was Ayn Rand. “Ayn Rand, she came here with nothing,” the husband said. “I work with a lot of Cubans, so …” I wondered if I should mention what I usually do to ingratiate myself with Republicans or libertarians: the fact that my finances improved after pass-through corporations were taxed differently under Donald Trump. Instead, I ordered another drink and the couple did the same, and I told him that Rand and I were born in the same city, St. Petersburg/Leningrad, and that my family also came here with nothing. Now the bonding and drinking began in earnest, and several more rounds appeared. Until it all fell apart.

Read: Gary Shteyngart on watching Russian television for five days straight

My new friend, whom I will refer to as Ayn, called out to a buddy of his across the bar, and suddenly a young couple, both covered in tattoos, appeared next to us. “He fucking punked me,” Ayn’s frat-boy-like friend called out as he put his arm around Ayn, while his sizable partner sizzled up to Mrs. Rand. Both of them had a look I have never seen on land—their eyes projecting absence and enmity in equal measure. In the ’90s, I drank with Russian soldiers fresh from Chechnya and wandered the streets of wartime Zagreb, but I have never seen such undisguised hostility toward both me and perhaps the universe at large. I was briefly introduced to this psychopathic pair, but neither of them wanted to have anything to do with me, and the tattooed woman would not even reveal her Christian name to me (she pretended to have the same first name as Mrs. Rand). To impress his tattooed friends, Ayn made fun of the fact that as a television writer, I’d worked on the series Succession (which, it would turn out, practically nobody on the ship had watched), instead of the far more palatable, in his eyes, zombie drama of last year. And then my new friends drifted away from me into an angry private conversation—“He punked me!”—as I ordered another drink for myself, scared of the dead-eyed arrivals whose gaze never registered in the dim wattage of the Schooner Bar, whose terrifying voices and hollow laughs grated like unoiled gears against the crooning of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”

But today is a new day for me and my hangover. After breakfast, I explore the ship’s so-called neighborhoods . There’s the AquaDome, where one can find a food hall and an acrobatic sound-and-light aquatic show. Central Park has a premium steak house, a sushi joint, and a used Rolex that can be bought for $8,000 on land here proudly offered at $17,000. There’s the aforementioned Royal Promenade, where I had drunk with the Rands, and where a pair of dueling pianos duel well into the night. There’s Surfside, a kids’ neighborhood full of sugary garbage, which looks out onto the frothy trail that the behemoth leaves behind itself. Thrill Island refers to the collection of tubes that clutter the ass of the ship and offer passengers six waterslides and a surfing simulation. There’s the Hideaway, an adult zone that plays music from a vomit-slathered, Brit-filled Alicante nightclub circa 1996 and proves a big favorite with groups of young Latin American customers. And, most hurtfully, there’s the Suite Neighborhood.

I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun. For $75,000, one multifloor suite even comes with its own slide between floors, so that a family may enjoy this particular terror in private. There is a quiet splendor to the Suite Neighborhood. I see fewer stickers and signs and drawings than in my own neighborhood—for example, MIKE AND DIANA PROUDLY SERVED U.S. MARINE CORPS RETIRED . No one here needs to announce their branch of service or rank; they are simply Suites, and this is where they belong. Once again, despite my hard work and perseverance, I have been disallowed from the true American elite. Once again, I am “Not our class, dear.” I am reminded of watching The Love Boat on my grandmother’s Zenith, which either was given to her or we found in the trash (I get our many malfunctioning Zeniths confused) and whose tube got so hot, I would put little chunks of government cheese on a thin tissue atop it to give our welfare treat a pleasant, Reagan-era gooeyness. I could not understand English well enough then to catch the nuances of that seafaring program, but I knew that there were differences in the status of the passengers, and that sometimes those differences made them sad. Still, this ship, this plenty—every few steps, there are complimentary nachos or milkshakes or gyros on offer—was the fatty fuel of my childhood dreams. If only I had remained a child.

I walk around the outdoor decks looking for company. There is a middle-aged African American couple who always seem to be asleep in each other’s arms, probably exhausted from the late capitalism they regularly encounter on land. There is far more diversity on this ship than I expected. Many couples are a testament to Loving v. Virginia , and there is a large group of folks whose T-shirts read MELANIN AT SEA / IT’S THE MELANIN FOR ME . I smile when I see them, but then some young kids from the group makes Mr. Washy Washy do a cruel, caricatured “Burger Dance” (today he is in his burger getup), and I think, Well, so much for intersectionality .

At the infinity pool on Deck 17, I spot some elderly women who could be ethnic and from my part of the world, and so I jump in. I am proved correct! Many of them seem to be originally from Queens (“Corona was still great when it was all Italian”), though they are now spread across the tristate area. We bond over the way “Ron-kon-koma” sounds when announced in Penn Station.

“Everyone is here for a different reason,” one of them tells me. She and her ex-husband last sailed together four years ago to prove to themselves that their marriage was truly over. Her 15-year-old son lost his virginity to “an Irish young lady” while their ship was moored in Ravenna, Italy. The gaggle of old-timers competes to tell me their favorite cruising stories and tips. “A guy proposed in Central Park a couple of years ago”—many Royal Caribbean ships apparently have this ridiculous communal area—“and she ran away screaming!” “If you’re diamond-class, you get four drinks for free.” “A different kind of passenger sails out of Bayonne.” (This, perhaps, is racially coded.) “Sometimes, if you tip the bartender $5, your next drink will be free.”

“Everyone’s here for a different reason,” the woman whose marriage ended on a cruise tells me again. “Some people are here for bad reasons—the drinkers and the gamblers. Some people are here for medical reasons.” I have seen more than a few oxygen tanks and at least one woman clearly undergoing very serious chemo. Some T-shirts celebrate good news about a cancer diagnosis. This might be someone’s last cruise or week on Earth. For these women, who have spent months, if not years, at sea, cruising is a ritual as well as a life cycle: first love, last love, marriage, divorce, death.

Read: The last place on Earth any tourist should go

I have talked with these women for so long, tonight I promise myself that after a sad solitary dinner I will not try to seek out company at the bars in the mall or the adult-themed Hideaway. I have enough material to fulfill my duties to this publication. As I approach my orphaned suite, I run into the aggro young people who stole Mr. and Mrs. Rand away from me the night before. The tattooed apparitions pass me without a glance. She is singing something violent about “Stuttering Stanley” (a character in a popular horror movie, as I discover with my complimentary VOOM SM Surf & Stream Internet at Sea) and he’s loudly shouting about “all the money I’ve lost,” presumably at the casino in the bowels of the ship.

So these bent psychos out of a Cormac McCarthy novel are angrily inhabiting my deck. As I mewl myself to sleep, I envision a limited series for HBO or some other streamer, a kind of low-rent White Lotus , where several aggressive couples conspire to throw a shy intellectual interloper overboard. I type the scenario into my phone. As I fall asleep, I think of what the woman who recently divorced her husband and whose son became a man through the good offices of the Irish Republic told me while I was hoisting myself out of the infinity pool. “I’m here because I’m an explorer. I’m here because I’m trying something new.” What if I allowed myself to believe in her fantasy?

“YOU REALLY STARTED AT THE TOP,” they tell me. I’m at the Coastal Kitchen for my eggs and corned-beef hash, and the maître d’ has slotted me in between two couples. Fueled by coffee or perhaps intrigued by my relative youth, they strike up a conversation with me. As always, people are shocked that this is my first cruise. They contrast the Icon favorably with all the preceding liners in the Royal Caribbean fleet, usually commenting on the efficiency of the elevators that hurl us from deck to deck (as in many large corporate buildings, the elevators ask you to choose a floor and then direct you to one of many lifts). The couple to my right, from Palo Alto—he refers to his “porn mustache” and calls his wife “my cougar” because she is two years older—tell me they are “Pandemic Pinnacles.”

This is the day that my eyes will be opened. Pinnacles , it is explained to me over translucent cantaloupe, have sailed with Royal Caribbean for 700 ungodly nights. Pandemic Pinnacles took advantage of the two-for-one accrual rate of Pinnacle points during the pandemic, when sailing on a cruise ship was even more ill-advised, to catapult themselves into Pinnacle status.

Because of the importance of the inaugural voyage of the world’s largest cruise liner, more than 200 Pinnacles are on this ship, a startling number, it seems. Mrs. Palo Alto takes out a golden badge that I have seen affixed over many a breast, which reads CROWN AND ANCHOR SOCIETY along with her name. This is the coveted badge of the Pinnacle. “You should hear all the whining in Guest Services,” her husband tells me. Apparently, the Pinnacles who are not also Suites like us are all trying to use their status to get into Coastal Kitchen, our elite restaurant. Even a Pinnacle needs to be a Suite to access this level of corned-beef hash.

“We’re just baby Pinnacles,” Mrs. Palo Alto tells me, describing a kind of internal class struggle among the Pinnacle elite for ever higher status.

And now I understand what the maître d’ was saying to me on the first day of my cruise. He wasn’t saying “ pendejo .” He was saying “Pinnacle.” The dining room was for Pinnacles only, all those older people rolling in like the tide on their motorized scooters.

And now I understand something else: This whole thing is a cult. And like most cults, it can’t help but mirror the endless American fight for status. Like Keith Raniere’s NXIVM, where different-colored sashes were given out to connote rank among Raniere’s branded acolytes, this is an endless competition among Pinnacles, Suites, Diamond-Plusers, and facing-the-mall, no-balcony purple SeaPass Card peasants, not to mention the many distinctions within each category. The more you cruise, the higher your status. No wonder a section of the Royal Promenade is devoted to getting passengers to book their next cruise during the one they should be enjoying now. No wonder desperate Royal Caribbean offers (“FINAL HOURS”) crowded my email account weeks before I set sail. No wonder the ship’s jewelry store, the Royal Bling, is selling a $100,000 golden chalice that will entitle its owner to drink free on Royal Caribbean cruises for life. (One passenger was already gaming out whether her 28-year-old son was young enough to “just about earn out” on the chalice or if that ship had sailed.) No wonder this ship was sold out months before departure , and we had to pay $19,000 for a horrid suite away from the Suite Neighborhood. No wonder the most mythical hero of Royal Caribbean lore is someone named Super Mario, who has cruised so often, he now has his own working desk on many ships. This whole experience is part cult, part nautical pyramid scheme.

From the June 2014 issue: Ship of wonks

“The toilets are amazing,” the Palo Altos are telling me. “One flush and you’re done.” “They don’t understand how energy-efficient these ships are,” the husband of the other couple is telling me. “They got the LNG”—liquefied natural gas, which is supposed to make the Icon a boon to the environment (a concept widely disputed and sometimes ridiculed by environmentalists).

But I’m thinking along a different line of attack as I spear my last pallid slice of melon. For my streaming limited series, a Pinnacle would have to get killed by either an outright peasant or a Suite without an ocean view. I tell my breakfast companions my idea.

“Oh, for sure a Pinnacle would have to be killed,” Mr. Palo Alto, the Pandemic Pinnacle, says, touching his porn mustache thoughtfully as his wife nods.

“THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S your time, buddy!” Hubert, my fun-loving Panamanian cabin attendant, shouts as I step out of my suite in a robe. “Take it easy, buddy!”

I have come up with a new dressing strategy. Instead of trying to impress with my choice of T-shirts, I have decided to start wearing a robe, as one does at a resort property on land, with a proper spa and hammam. The response among my fellow cruisers has been ecstatic. “Look at you in the robe!” Mr. Rand cries out as we pass each other by the Thrill Island aqua park. “You’re living the cruise life! You know, you really drank me under the table that night.” I laugh as we part ways, but my soul cries out, Please spend more time with me, Mr. and Mrs. Rand; I so need the company .

In my white robe, I am a stately presence, a refugee from a better limited series, a one-man crossover episode. (Only Suites are granted these robes to begin with.) Today, I will try many of the activities these ships have on offer to provide their clientele with a sense of never-ceasing motion. Because I am already at Thrill Island, I decide to climb the staircase to what looks like a mast on an old-fashioned ship (terrified, because I am afraid of heights) to try a ride called “Storm Chasers,” which is part of the “Category 6” water park, named in honor of one of the storms that may someday do away with the Port of Miami entirely. Storm Chasers consists of falling from the “mast” down a long, twisting neon tube filled with water, like being the camera inside your own colonoscopy, as you hold on to the handles of a mat, hoping not to die. The tube then flops you down headfirst into a trough of water, a Royal Caribbean baptism. It both knocks my breath out and makes me sad.

In keeping with the aquatic theme, I attend a show at the AquaDome. To the sound of “Live and Let Die,” a man in a harness gyrates to and fro in the sultry air. I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. Ja , I think to myself, I know how this ends. Now will come the fisting , natürlich . But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts . If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it.

I go to the ice show, which is a kind of homage—if that’s possible—to the periodic table, done with the style and pomp and masterful precision that would please the likes of Kim Jong Un, if only he could afford Royal Caribbean talent. At one point, the dancers skate to the theme song of Succession . “See that!” I want to say to my fellow Suites—at “cultural” events, we have a special section reserved for us away from the commoners—“ Succession ! It’s even better than the zombie show! Open your minds!”

Finally, I visit a comedy revue in an enormous and too brightly lit version of an “intimate,” per Royal Caribbean literature, “Manhattan comedy club.” Many of the jokes are about the cruising life. “I’ve lived on ships for 20 years,” one of the middle-aged comedians says. “I can only see so many Filipino homosexuals dressed as a taco.” He pauses while the audience laughs. “I am so fired tonight,” he says. He segues into a Trump impression and then Biden falling asleep at the microphone, which gets the most laughs. “Anyone here from Fort Leonard Wood?” another comedian asks. Half the crowd seems to cheer. As I fall asleep that night, I realize another connection I have failed to make, and one that may explain some of the diversity on this vessel—many of its passengers have served in the military.

As a coddled passenger with a suite, I feel like I am starting to understand what it means to have a rank and be constantly reminded of it. There are many espresso makers , I think as I look across the expanse of my officer-grade quarters before closing my eyes, but this one is mine .

A shocking sight greets me beyond the pools of Deck 17 as I saunter over to the Coastal Kitchen for my morning intake of slightly sour Americanos. A tiny city beneath a series of perfectly pressed green mountains. Land! We have docked for a brief respite in Basseterre, the capital of St. Kitts and Nevis. I wolf down my egg scramble to be one of the first passengers off the ship. Once past the gangway, I barely refrain from kissing the ground. I rush into the sights and sounds of this scruffy island city, sampling incredible conch curry and buckets of non-Starbucks coffee. How wonderful it is to be where God intended humans to be: on land. After all, I am neither a fish nor a mall rat. This is my natural environment. Basseterre may not be Havana, but there are signs of human ingenuity and desire everywhere you look. The Black Table Grill Has been Relocated to Soho Village, Market Street, Directly Behind of, Gary’s Fruits and Flower Shop. Signed. THE PORK MAN reads a sign stuck to a wall. Now, that is how you write a sign. A real sign, not the come-ons for overpriced Rolexes that blink across the screens of the Royal Promenade.

“Hey, tie your shoestring!” a pair of laughing ladies shout to me across the street.

“Thank you!” I shout back. Shoestring! “Thank you very much.”

A man in Independence Square Park comes by and asks if I want to play with his monkey. I haven’t heard that pickup line since the Penn Station of the 1980s. But then he pulls a real monkey out of a bag. The monkey is wearing a diaper and looks insane. Wonderful , I think, just wonderful! There is so much life here. I email my editor asking if I can remain on St. Kitts and allow the Icon to sail off into the horizon without me. I have even priced a flight home at less than $300, and I have enough material from the first four days on the cruise to write the entire story. “It would be funny …” my editor replies. “Now get on the boat.”

As I slink back to the ship after my brief jailbreak, the locals stand under umbrellas to gaze at and photograph the boat that towers over their small capital city. The limousines of the prime minister and his lackeys are parked beside the gangway. St. Kitts, I’ve been told, is one of the few islands that would allow a ship of this size to dock.

“We hear about all the waterslides,” a sweet young server in one of the cafés told me. “We wish we could go on the ship, but we have to work.”

“I want to stay on your island,” I replied. “I love it here.”

But she didn’t understand how I could possibly mean that.

“WASHY, WASHY, so you don’t get stinky, stinky!” kids are singing outside the AquaDome, while their adult minders look on in disapproval, perhaps worried that Mr. Washy Washy is grooming them into a life of gayness. I heard a southern couple skip the buffet entirely out of fear of Mr. Washy Washy.

Meanwhile, I have found a new watering hole for myself, the Swim & Tonic, the biggest swim-up bar on any cruise ship in the world. Drinking next to full-size, nearly naked Americans takes away one’s own self-consciousness. The men have curvaceous mom bodies. The women are equally un-shy about their sprawling physiques.

Today I’ve befriended a bald man with many children who tells me that all of the little trinkets that Royal Caribbean has left us in our staterooms and suites are worth a fortune on eBay. “Eighty dollars for the water bottle, 60 for the lanyard,” the man says. “This is a cult.”

“Tell me about it,” I say. There is, however, a clientele for whom this cruise makes perfect sense. For a large middle-class family (he works in “supply chains”), seven days in a lower-tier cabin—which starts at $1,800 a person—allow the parents to drop off their children in Surfside, where I imagine many young Filipina crew members will take care of them, while the parents are free to get drunk at a swim-up bar and maybe even get intimate in their cabin. Cruise ships have become, for a certain kind of hardworking family, a form of subsidized child care.

There is another man I would like to befriend at the Swim & Tonic, a tall, bald fellow who is perpetually inebriated and who wears a necklace studded with little rubber duckies in sunglasses, which, I am told, is a sort of secret handshake for cruise aficionados. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

I usually tan very evenly, but something about the discombobulation of life at sea makes me forget the regular application of sunscreen. As I walk down the streets of Charlotte Amalie in my fluorescent Icon of the Seas cap, an old Rastafarian stares me down. “Redneck,” he hisses.

“No,” I want to tell him, as I bring a hand up to my red neck, “that’s not who I am at all. On my island, Mannahatta, as Whitman would have it, I am an interesting person living within an engaging artistic milieu. I do not wish to use the Caribbean as a dumping ground for the cruise-ship industry. I love the work of Derek Walcott. You don’t understand. I am not a redneck. And if I am, they did this to me.” They meaning Royal Caribbean? Its passengers? The Rands?

“They did this to me!”

Back on the Icon, some older matrons are muttering about a run-in with passengers from the Celebrity cruise ship docked next to us, the Celebrity Apex. Although Celebrity Cruises is also owned by Royal Caribbean, I am made to understand that there is a deep fratricidal beef between passengers of the two lines. “We met a woman from the Apex,” one matron says, “and she says it was a small ship and there was nothing to do. Her face was as tight as a 19-year-old’s, she had so much surgery.” With those words, and beneath a cloudy sky, humidity shrouding our weathered faces and red necks, we set sail once again, hopefully in the direction of home.

THERE ARE BARELY 48 HOURS LEFT to the cruise, and the Icon of the Seas’ passengers are salty. They know how to work the elevators. They know the Washy Washy song by heart. They understand that the chicken gyro at “Feta Mediterranean,” in the AquaDome Market, is the least problematic form of chicken on the ship.

The passengers have shed their INAUGURAL CRUISE T-shirts and are now starting to evince political opinions. There are caps pledging to make America great again and T-shirts that celebrate words sometimes attributed to Patrick Henry: “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people; it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.” With their preponderance of FAMILY FLAG FAITH FRIENDS FIREARMS T-shirts, the tables by the crepe station sometimes resemble the Capitol Rotunda on January 6. The Real Anthony Fauci , by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appears to be a popular form of literature, especially among young men with very complicated versions of the American flag on their T-shirts. Other opinions blend the personal and the political. “Someone needs to kill Washy guy, right?” a well-dressed man in the elevator tells me, his gray eyes radiating nothing. “Just beat him to death. Am I right?” I overhear the male member of a young couple whisper, “There goes that freak” as I saunter by in my white spa robe, and I decide to retire it for the rest of the cruise.

I visit the Royal Bling to see up close the $100,000 golden chalice that entitles you to free drinks on Royal Caribbean forever. The pleasant Serbian saleslady explains that the chalice is actually gold-plated and covered in white zirconia instead of diamonds, as it would otherwise cost $1 million. “If you already have everything,” she explains, “this is one more thing you can get.”

I believe that anyone who works for Royal Caribbean should be entitled to immediate American citizenship. They already speak English better than most of the passengers and, per the Serbian lady’s sales pitch above, better understand what America is as well. Crew members like my Panamanian cabin attendant seem to work 24 hours a day. A waiter from New Delhi tells me that his contract is six months and three weeks long. After a cruise ends, he says, “in a few hours, we start again for the next cruise.” At the end of the half a year at sea, he is allowed a two-to-three-month stay at home with his family. As of 2019, the median income for crew members was somewhere in the vicinity of $20,000, according to a major business publication. Royal Caribbean would not share the current median salary for its crew members, but I am certain that it amounts to a fraction of the cost of a Royal Bling gold-plated, zirconia-studded chalice.

And because most of the Icon’s hyper-sanitized spaces are just a frittata away from being a Delta lounge, one forgets that there are actual sailors on this ship, charged with the herculean task of docking it in port. “Having driven 100,000-ton aircraft carriers throughout my career,” retired Admiral James G. Stavridis, the former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Europe, writes to me, “I’m not sure I would even know where to begin with trying to control a sea monster like this one nearly three times the size.” (I first met Stavridis while touring Army bases in Germany more than a decade ago.)

Today, I decide to head to the hot tub near Swim & Tonic, where some of the ship’s drunkest reprobates seem to gather (the other tubs are filled with families and couples). The talk here, like everywhere else on the ship, concerns football, a sport about which I know nothing. It is apparent that four teams have recently competed in some kind of finals for the year, and that two of them will now face off in the championship. Often when people on the Icon speak, I will try to repeat the last thing they said with a laugh or a nod of disbelief. “Yes, 20-yard line! Ha!” “Oh my God, of course, scrimmage.”

Soon we are joined in the hot tub by the late-middle-age drunk guy with the duck necklace. He is wearing a bucket hat with the legend HAWKEYES , which, I soon gather, is yet another football team. “All right, who turned me in?” Duck Necklace says as he plops into the tub beside us. “I get a call in the morning,” he says. “It’s security. Can you come down to the dining room by 10 a.m.? You need to stay away from the members of this religious family.” Apparently, the gregarious Duck Necklace had photobombed the wrong people. There are several families who present as evangelical Christians or practicing Muslims on the ship. One man, evidently, was not happy that Duck Necklace had made contact with his relatives. “It’s because of religious stuff; he was offended. I put my arm around 20 people a day.”

Everyone laughs. “They asked me three times if I needed medication,” he says of the security people who apparently interrogated him in full view of others having breakfast.

Another hot-tub denizen suggests that he should have asked for fentanyl. After a few more drinks, Duck Necklace begins to muse about what it would be like to fall off the ship. “I’m 62 and I’m ready to go,” he says. “I just don’t want a shark to eat me. I’m a huge God guy. I’m a Bible guy. There’s some Mayan theory squaring science stuff with religion. There is so much more to life on Earth.” We all nod into our Red Stripes.

“I never get off the ship when we dock,” he says. He tells us he lost $6,000 in the casino the other day. Later, I look him up, and it appears that on land, he’s a financial adviser in a crisp gray suit, probably a pillar of his North Chicago community.

THE OCEAN IS TEEMING with fascinating life, but on the surface it has little to teach us. The waves come and go. The horizon remains ever far away.

I am constantly told by my fellow passengers that “everybody here has a story.” Yes, I want to reply, but everybody everywhere has a story. You, the reader of this essay, have a story, and yet you’re not inclined to jump on a cruise ship and, like Duck Necklace, tell your story to others at great pitch and volume. Maybe what they’re saying is that everybody on this ship wants to have a bigger, more coherent, more interesting story than the one they’ve been given. Maybe that’s why there’s so much signage on the doors around me attesting to marriages spent on the sea. Maybe that’s why the Royal Caribbean newsletter slipped under my door tells me that “this isn’t a vacation day spent—it’s bragging rights earned.” Maybe that’s why I’m so lonely.

Today is a big day for Icon passengers. Today the ship docks at Royal Caribbean’s own Bahamian island, the Perfect Day at CocoCay. (This appears to be the actual name of the island.) A comedian at the nightclub opined on what his perfect day at CocoCay would look like—receiving oral sex while learning that his ex-wife had been killed in a car crash (big laughter). But the reality of the island is far less humorous than that.

One of the ethnic tristate ladies in the infinity pool told me that she loved CocoCay because it had exactly the same things that could be found on the ship itself. This proves to be correct. It is like the Icon, but with sand. The same tired burgers, the same colorful tubes conveying children and water from Point A to B. The same swim-up bar at its Hideaway ($140 for admittance, no children allowed; Royal Caribbean must be printing money off its clientele). “There was almost a fight at The Wizard of Oz ,” I overhear an elderly woman tell her companion on a chaise lounge. Apparently one of the passengers began recording Royal Caribbean’s intellectual property and “three guys came after him.”

I walk down a pathway to the center of the island, where a sign reads DO NOT ENTER: YOU HAVE REACHED THE BOUNDARY OF ADVENTURE . I hear an animal scampering in the bushes. A Royal Caribbean worker in an enormous golf cart soon chases me down and takes me back to the Hideaway, where I run into Mrs. Rand in a bikini. She becomes livid telling me about an altercation she had the other day with a woman over a towel and a deck chair. We Suites have special towel privileges; we do not have to hand over our SeaPass Card to score a towel. But the Rands are not Suites. “People are so entitled here,” Mrs. Rand says. “It’s like the airport with all its classes.” “You see,” I want to say, “this is where your husband’s love of Ayn Rand runs into the cruelties and arbitrary indignities of unbridled capitalism.” Instead we make plans to meet for a final drink in the Schooner Bar tonight (the Rands will stand me up).

Back on the ship, I try to do laps, but the pool (the largest on any cruise ship, naturally) is fully trashed with the detritus of American life: candy wrappers, a slowly dissolving tortilla chip, napkins. I take an extra-long shower in my suite, then walk around the perimeter of the ship on a kind of exercise track, past all the alluring lifeboats in their yellow-and-white livery. Maybe there is a dystopian angle to the HBO series that I will surely end up pitching, one with shades of WALL-E or Snowpiercer . In a collapsed world, a Royal Caribbean–like cruise liner sails from port to port, collecting new shipmates and supplies in exchange for the precious energy it has on board. (The actual Icon features a new technology that converts passengers’ poop into enough energy to power the waterslides . In the series, this shitty technology would be greatly expanded.) A very young woman (18? 19?), smart and lonely, who has only known life on the ship, walks along the same track as I do now, contemplating jumping off into the surf left by its wake. I picture reusing Duck Necklace’s words in the opening shot of the pilot. The girl is walking around the track, her eyes on the horizon; maybe she’s highborn—a Suite—and we hear the voice-over: “I’m 19 and I’m ready to go. I just don’t want a shark to eat me.”

Before the cruise is finished, I talk to Mr. Washy Washy, or Nielbert of the Philippines. He is a sweet, gentle man, and I thank him for the earworm of a song he has given me and for keeping us safe from the dreaded norovirus. “This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE TITANIC (the Icon of the Seas is five times as large as that doomed vessel) at least offered its passengers an exciting ending to their cruise, but when I wake up on the eighth day, all I see are the gray ghosts that populate Miami’s condo skyline. Throughout my voyage, my writer friends wrote in to commiserate with me. Sloane Crosley, who once covered a three-day spa mini-cruise for Vogue , tells me she felt “so very alone … I found it very untethering.” Gideon Lewis-Kraus writes in an Instagram comment: “When Gary is done I think it’s time this genre was taken out back and shot.” And he is right. To badly paraphrase Adorno: After this, no more cruise stories. It is unfair to put a thinking person on a cruise ship. Writers typically have difficult childhoods, and it is cruel to remind them of the inherent loneliness that drove them to writing in the first place. It is also unseemly to write about the kind of people who go on cruises. Our country does not provide the education and upbringing that allow its citizens an interior life. For the creative class to point fingers at the large, breasty gentlemen adrift in tortilla-chip-laden pools of water is to gather a sour harvest of low-hanging fruit.

A day or two before I got off the ship, I decided to make use of my balcony, which I had avoided because I thought the view would only depress me further. What I found shocked me. My suite did not look out on Central Park after all. This entire time, I had been living in the ship’s Disneyland, Surfside, the neighborhood full of screaming toddlers consuming milkshakes and candy. And as I leaned out over my balcony, I beheld a slight vista of the sea and surf that I thought I had been missing. It had been there all along. The sea was frothy and infinite and blue-green beneath the span of a seagull’s wing. And though it had been trod hard by the world’s largest cruise ship, it remained.

This article appears in the May 2024 print edition with the headline “A Meatball at Sea.” When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.