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The Importance of Self-love

• Categories: Being Yourself Believe in Myself Finding Yourself

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Words: 555 |

Updated: 11 December, 2023

Words: 555 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Works Cited

• Baumeister, R. F., & Campbell, J. D. (1999). The Psychology of Self-Esteem: A Revolutionary Approach to Self-Understanding that Launched a New Era in Modern Psychology. Jossey-Bass.
• Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field. Bantam Books.
• Chaudhary, H., & Kaur, P. (2015). Role of self-esteem in building healthy relationship among adolescents. Indian Journal of Positive Psychology, 6(2), 216-219.
• Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392-414.
• Harter, S. (1999). The Construction of the Self: A Developmental Perspective. Guilford Press.
• Heatherton, T. F., & Polivy, J. (1991). Development and validation of a scale for measuring state self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(6), 895-910.
• McKay, M., Fanning, P., & Davis, M. (2007). Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem. New Harbinger Publications.
• Rosenberg, M. (1965). Society and the Adolescent Self-Image. Princeton University Press.
• Ruffin, J. (2016). Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
• Sowislo, J. F., & Orth, U. (2013). Does low self-esteem predict depression and anxiety? A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Psychological Bulletin, 139(1), 213-240.

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How I Found Self-Love Through Self-Care

A personal essay following my previous article on self-care titled: a guide to self-care for the college student.

Life is scary. It is big, messy, complicated, and full of weird things, sad things, and joyous things. It gets hard sometimes. There are 7 billion of us humans here on Earth, most of us pretending that life is easier than it really is. As for me,  I’m introverted, highly sensitive, and a big feeler. I am easily overwhelmed and painfully empathetic. I often take things too personally and think that if I’m not perfect; I think that there must be something horribly wrong with me. I love tea, cats, fuzzy blankets, and social justice documentaries. My hobbies include writing poetry, nature walks at dusk, painting and collaging, and singing and dancing in the comfort of my own home.

Maybe by now you are thinking, “Who is this bowl of jell-o?”

Hi, I’m Katelyn! A young woman trying to find her way through this big messy planet floating through space and time. My life has been good – one of the better one’s I’ve heard of. Maybe I’m biased, or just honest. I’ve had deep hurts and pains, plenty of them; but I’ve also had a loving, supportive, and a perfectly imperfect circle of amazing people to hold me up. I’ve had many wonderful opportunities come to me and many that I have sought out myself. And with this, I am still learning to love myself. Because that, my dear friends, is really-super-incredibly hard. This brings me to the glue that keeps me together – a little thing called “self-care.”

A few years ago I discovered the now slightly obvious notion of self-care. I say “slightly obvious” only because, of course I need to take care of myself, we all do. Only recently, though, did I discover how important self-care is for me. Self-care if the act of becoming aware of your own needs and acting on those. Listening to your body’s signals and what emotions are coming up is crucial. Taking steps towards your own well-being so that you may be fully well, functioning, and in better service to the world.

As I said, I am an exceptionally sensitive person. I must have been born that way. Psychologist Elaine Aron has done research and written books on people like me and has coined the term “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).” When I was younger, I was very easily overwhelmed; by emotions, school, friends, family, parties, decisions – a classic HSP. As a child, I also didn’t know how to cope with or regulate my emotions. This meant that I often had uncontrollable tantrums and bursts of emotion. They were the product of me feeling so much and not knowing what to do with it. Now that I have grown older, I have shifted from tantrums and outbursts to the complete opposite through self-care. A large part of my self-care is to feel my feelings and honor them, but not let them take over my actions. This is one of the most radical acts of self-care that I have found for myself.

As long as I can remember, I intuitively participated in self-care on a regular basis. Being that life has felt overwhelming for me since I was very young, doing nice things for myself don’t take much effort. When I was a child though, I also spent a good portion of my time overcome by the stressful, uncomfortable, and painful feelings that I was having. While I would play outside in the garden or dance for hours on end – things that I would now consider self-care – I would also just as often treat myself very unkindly. I was often violent with my own body and said many hurtful things to myself.

This is where self-care comes in. For me, the self that I have come to know is much softer than my culture would like to celebrate. In America, and other cultures around the world, there is a high value for things like determination, perseverance, ambition, and hustle. While these things are good and needed, they push aside the idea that we also need times of rest. A constant go-go-going attitude is actually what makes us sick and causes more difficulty in our lives.  Society tells us that that is what makes us powerful, but I know now that my power comes from another place entirely. It comes from the softest part of my core – the place where I connect to my truth in a way that is gentle and loving. I realized that I needed to listen to what my body needs in order to be fully functional and healthy out in the world.

To look into my own eyes and say, “I see you, I hear you, I love you,” is not to be discounted as silly.

To hold myself on the floor of my room with a cozy blanket and a hot cup of tea is not defeat, it is comfort for the deepest part of my soul. To me, the biggest part of self-care, the point , is that I come back to my essential self, to my core – the place where I remember that I am whole. To get there, I must do things that nourish me and bring me back to the here and now.

My best self-care companion.

I feel that this is so important to talk about, because for a long time I didn’t think that taking time for myself was important. I thought it was selfish, weak, and a sign that I couldn’t handle life as well as others.

When I walk into my bedroom and close the door after a long day of work, school, and stimuli; I take a deep breath. I turn off the lights, light a candle or two, and start to unwind. I get into comfy clothes, lay on the floor in my designated relaxing spot and stretch. This seems obvious, maybe. But when I frame it in the lens of self-care, it becomes a sacred act. Sometimes I’ll put on some music and dance for a while, then take a hot shower with essential oils. I’ll meditate for a few minutes, breathing so that I am paying attention to the feeling of breath going in and going out. The point is for me to be in my own presence and to recharge so each day feels like it ends with me reclaiming my energy. Sometimes my self-care needs shift of course, and my goal is to listen for what my body is telling me I need.

Cuddled up with a book and a cat is my favorite act of self-care!

It is important to remember that self-care is not just a pampering or a luxury, but a foundation for us to build healthy lives upon – lives that serve us in the best way possible. Our culture doesn’t always support or allow for self-care, due to our demanding lives. We have to take it into our own hands and reclaim ourselves as not just a part of this great machine. If we don’t take care of ourselves, stress can overwhelm us, which leave us extremely susceptible to illness (both physical and mental). Self-care is listening to yourself, something that we are not usually taught in American schools. I am dedicated to learning, even more deeply, about how I can best listen to myself, because that is the most profound act of self-love I can conceive of.

About Author

Katelyn boisen.

Katelyn Boisen is in her last year at Antioch University concentrating in Applied Psychology in the Bachelor's Program. She hopes to become a counselor for adolescents and women, merging therapy, social justice, and holistic healing techniques. In her free time, she enjoys arts and crafts, meditation and yoga, singing in her car, and spending time with friends, family, her pets... and really anyone’s pets. She is a Santa Barbara native who finds solace in the mountains, sea, and fresh air. If you need her, you can find her working in the SAGE Library at Antioch!

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7 Ways to Practice Self-Love

Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

Marko Geber / Getty Images

What Is Self-Love?

How to practice self-love.

Having self-love involves having an appreciation and respect for yourself. That includes taking care of your physical and mental health. Although most people are busy, it's important to take time to nourish yourself and treat yourself with the love and kindness you deserve.

Self-love is having regard for our own well-being and contentment according to the American Psychological Association.

While self-care proponents suggest taking baths and getting massages, loving yourself goes much deeper than splurging once in a while on pleasures like these.

Self-love should be a daily activity in which you check in with yourself and treat yourself the way we treat loved ones.

The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation says that self-love comes from actions that support physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.

What Self-Love Is Not

Some critics think self-love is a modern concept and is merely self-indulgence. They view self-love as excessively focusing on yourself and akin to narcissism . But self-love is not about having a grandiose sense of self or being puffed up with self-importance. Self-love means taking care of your needs and recognizing that you have value.

The Importance of Self-Love

Your first relationship is with yourself and it’s the foundation of relationships with others. Loving yourself enables you to live in alignment with your values and to make healthy choices in your everyday decisions.  Confidence , self-respect, self-worth, and self-love are all interconnected. As we deepen in love for ourselves, we can deepen the love we share with others.

Sometimes it’s hard to assert yourself and think about your own needs. While it might be considerate to practice self-love here and there, it's important to make it a daily practice .

Here’s how to incorporate self-love into your lifestyle.

Prioritize Your Well-Being and Mental Health 

Your physical and mental health are directly correlated and how you feel physically can influence how you feel mentally and emotionally. When you begin loving and caring for your body, you’re directly and positively influencing your mental health, too.  Eating and sleeping well  is important in maintaining well-being and warding off illness. That means choosing healthy foods and getting adequate sleep every night.

Exercising regularly has a positive impact on your overall health as exercise decreases cortisol, the stress hormone, in your body.

Remember to give yourself time to take care of and value yourself. Struggling with mental health issues might require visiting a therapist, choosing online therapy , or turning to an app .

Embrace Self-Compassion

When you acknowledge your mistakes and accept your imperfections with kindness and without judgment, you exhibit  self-compassion . Dr. Kristin Neff’s widely accepted definition of self-compassion has three components:

• Self-kindness : feeling kindness toward ourselves rather than judgment, criticism, or shame
• Common humanity : recognizing we are part of a common humanity as everyone makes mistakes rather than viewing ourselves as isolated beings unworthy of love and belonging
• Mindfulness : viewing mistakes mindfully by having a perspective and not over-identifying with our failings

In a pilot study on self-compassion, scientists empirically tested the use of a writing intervention to determine if these self-compassion components influenced each other. Findings showed that the three components do mutually enhance each other.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Other People

When we are jealous of our friend’s promotion or feel we are lacking because we gained ten pounds while our neighbor is in great shape, it’s hard not to feel down. Social comparisons can cause stress. Comparison and competition may motivate you in ways that are helpful and not harmful. More often than not, they diminish us by causing stress, anxiety, guilt, and shame.

Social media has affected our mental health in not-so-great ways. We judge ourselves more harshly on a regular basis and don't feel good enough.  High social media use has been linked to depression.

Set Boundaries

Drawing the line helps with stress management . Sometimes you have to say 'no' at work or to your family to preserve your energy. One-sided relationships have unequal distribution of energy, control, and thoughtfulness. Recognize your needs and carve out time to be thoughtful about yourself by setting boundaries.

Forgive Yourself

Cultivate ways to stop self-loathing in any form. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and find ways to heal. To incorporate self-love in your daily life, don’t ruminate over mistakes and regrets. Rather than blame yourself for things that were probably out of your control anyway, turn to self-forgiveness.

A recent study finds that greater forgiveness is linked to less stress and a decrease in mental health symptoms.

Surround Yourself With Supportive, Loving people

Having social support is vital. You could reach out to receive your  family’s love  for you but if those relationships are strained or they’re not in the picture, invest in relationships with your friends and community and allow yourself to receive care and support from them.

Let go of toxic, draining, and one-way friendships. The goal is to fortify yourself with healthy interactions and people who believe in you, champion you, and support you in becoming more of who you are and want to be, not less.

If you think you’re in love  but aren’t sure, remember that healthy relationships involve intimacy and deep emotional connection. Invest your time, energy, and care into platonic and romantic relationships that support, energize, and restore you.

Change a Negative Mindset

Positive thinking  doesn’t mean ignoring problems. It means choosing to have a positive outlook as an approach to life that includes gratitude and many possibilities. Maybe it’s time to seek support to process your anger and  release resentment and grudges , for example.

Holding onto and fixating on anger and hatred towards others can be damaging to our mental and emotional well-being and it can be an act of self-love and care to address it at the root cause.

Say kind things to yourself.  Positive affirmations  can boost your self-esteem and reduce your social fears. Remind yourself that you’re a kind person doing your best. Changing your perspective and focusing on things that you are grateful for and appreciative of can be immensely uplifting and is another way to practice self-love.

APA Dictionary of Psychology. Self-love .

The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation. Self-love and what it means .

Rudolph DL, McAuley E. Cortisol and affective responses to exercise .  J Sports Sci . 1998;16(2):121-128. doi:10.1080/026404198366830

Self-Compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff. Definition of self-compassion .

Dreisoerner A, Junker NM, van Dick R. The relationship among the components of self-compassion: a pilot study using a compassionate writing intervention to enhance self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness . J Happiness Stud. 2021;22(1):21-47.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM. Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study .  Ann Behav Med . 2016;50(5):727-735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

By Barbara Field Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

Self-Love Journal, Defined (And How to Start Self-Love Journaling Today)

Self-love is a strange concept to wrap your mind around.

What is self-love exactly?

Why does it matter?

And isn't being a human hard enough as it is without feeling the need to schedule time to love yourself?

Today you're going to learn why self-love is so important and how you can easily create a journaling practice that brings you more joy in life.

What is Self-Love Journaling? 

At its most basic, self-love journaling is writing or typing in ways to generate more love for yourself.

A self-love journal falls under the larger umbrella of mental health journals, but it's specifically tailored to help a journaler reflect and develop self-compassion as part of overall personal wellness.

Some people only need a blank page in a journal to start writing kind words about themselves.

Other people might find self-love journal prompts helpful.

The key thing to remember is that there is no one right way to focus on self-love in a journal.

The activities you use are simply the way you learn about yourself and figure out what it takes to feel more compassion for yourself.

A journal can take the form of a physical book.

Or it can take the shape of a digital journal, like the one we created with Reflection.app.

What your journal looks like is a matter of personal preference.

The journal itself is just the vessel, a container that carries you through the journey of getting to know yourself better.

One quick aside: you may have also heard of keeping a self-care journal.

While a self-care journal can be similar to a self-love journal, the focus of self-care is to do certain activities that keep you balanced and healthy over long periods of time.

This could mean reflecting on what self-care means to you, reflecting on self-care with prompts, or using writing itself as a form of self-care.

The explicit purpose of a self-love journal is to generate more love for yourself by learning the underrated art and practice that is self-reflection.

What Self-Reflection Has to Do With Mental Health and Loving Yourself 

But why self-reflection?

We built Reflection.app because we know how powerful and uplifting it has been for us to establish self-reflection and journaling habits in our own lives.

And it's not just us saying that.

The link between mental health and journaling has been known for years.  

What's interesting about self-reflection is that it encourages you to get to know yourself better.

It puts you in a position to step back from your thoughts and experiences.

And it's by getting distance from your thoughts and the stories you tell yourself that you can objectively analyze the ups and downs of your life.

The reality is that it's hard to develop kindness for yourself when you're enmeshed in the daily barrage of your experiences and the thoughts and feelings that those experiences generate.

Like receiving encouragement or insightful guidance from a friend or family member, writing in a self-love journal gives you the opportunity to see yourself and your life in a new light.

How to Develop a Simple, Self-Love Journaling Practice Grounded in Self-Compassion

Journal prompts are usually the easiest entry point to self-love journaling, and our journaling app, Reflection.app, has plenty of them.

If you want to test out self-love journaling for yourself, take five minutes now or later today to write about one of these self-love journal prompts:

1. Who am I when I feel the most love in my life? 

2. Who am I at my best?

3. What do I love doing more than anything in the world?

4. When do I feel most at peace?

5. What are my best qualities?

People who find it difficult to love themselves are often dealing with limiting beliefs about who they are and what they deserve.

A self-love journaling prompt just might create the shift in mindset you've been looking for.

Self-love journaling is especially powerful because it creates a safe space for you to challenge and upgrade the damaging beliefs that create a disempowering mindset.

In this video below, Mindspo gives us a thought-provoking wrap-up of Brené Brown's Top 10 Tips for Self-Love.

Are There Any Drawbacks to Self-Love?

Could loving yourself be bad?

It's a strange question, but it appears there may be times when you don't want to force love on yourself.

"Force" is the key word there. It's hard to generate any emotion on demand, and that's the same for self-love.

Plus, as mentioned by James Pennebaker in Expressive Writing: Words That Heal , trying to process a recent trauma is not helpful no matter which emotion you're trying to experience.

Beyond that, we're sure you've experienced what it's like when someone tries to push positive affirmations on you. It just doesn't feel good to be told "Just think positively! Everything happens for a reason!" when all you want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep.

Plus, it's important to remember that permanent self-love is not the goal.

No one is capable of always living in a blissed-out state of self-compassion.

Even monks who have practiced meditation for decades would tell you that the point of meditation is not to force yourself into a certain state of being--it's to allow yourself to accept and be at peace with whatever emotions bubble to the surface.

You can think of self-reflection while journaling as a sort of written meditation.

When you put your thoughts to paper or screen, what you're doing is learning to process and accept your feelings from a healthy distance.

Is a Self-Love Journal For You?

Think you could use some more self-love in your life?

Why not give Reflection.app a try?

It's free to use and takes only a minute to sign up and start writing.

We also have a specific guide that walks you through how to generate more self-compassion for yourself and general compassion for others.

Click here to learn more and get the self-love that you deserve.

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Essay on Love Yourself

Students are often asked to write an essay on Love Yourself in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Love Yourself

Understanding self-love.

Self-love is the act of appreciating oneself. It’s about accepting who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses.

Why Love Yourself?

Loving yourself is important because it sets the standard for how others treat you. It helps you make healthy choices and fosters positive relationships.

How to Love Yourself

Start by accepting your flaws. Next, celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Lastly, take care of your physical health, as it is linked to your mental wellbeing.

Remember, self-love is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, patience, and practice.

250 Words Essay on Love Yourself

Introduction.

The concept of self-love, often overshadowed by societal norms and expectations, is a fundamental aspect of personal growth and mental wellbeing. It is an essential journey of understanding and accepting oneself, promoting inner peace and happiness.

Understanding Self-Love

Self-love is not merely about pampering oneself or being selfish; it is about acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses, understanding our emotions, and accepting our imperfections. It is the recognition that our worth is not defined by external validation but by our own self-perception.

The Importance of Self-Love

Self-love is the foundation of self-esteem and self-confidence. It enables us to establish healthy boundaries and relationships, make decisions that align with our well-being, and cultivate resilience against adversity. It acts as a shield, protecting us from negative influences and fostering a positive mindset.

Practicing Self-Love

Practicing self-love involves self-care, self-compassion, and self-acceptance. It requires us to prioritize our mental and physical health, forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and celebrate our achievements. It is an ongoing process of personal growth and self-improvement.

In conclusion, self-love is a powerful tool for personal development and mental health. It empowers us to live authentically, with integrity and respect for our own needs and desires. By loving ourselves, we not only enhance our own lives but also contribute positively to the world around us.

500 Words Essay on Love Yourself

The concept of self-love is not just a trendy buzzword, but a fundamental aspect of our mental and emotional wellbeing. As college students, we are often bombarded with academic pressures, social expectations, and the daunting task of defining our identities. Amidst these challenges, learning to love ourselves becomes an essential survival tool.

The Notion of Self-Love

Self-love is an appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. It is dynamic and involves self-care, self-compassion, and maintaining a positive self-image. It’s about acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses, and understanding that they do not define our worth.

Why Self-Love Matters?

Developing a healthy relationship with oneself sets the tone for all other relationships. When we love ourselves, we set boundaries that prevent others from treating us poorly. Moreover, self-love fosters mental resilience, allowing us to bounce back from failures and disappointments. It cultivates an inner strength that helps us navigate the challenges of life with equanimity.

Self-Love and Mental Health

Self-love is a potent antidote to a range of mental health issues prevalent among college students. It can help mitigate stress, anxiety, and depression by promoting a positive self-image and boosting self-esteem. By cherishing ourselves, we can nurture our mental health, fostering a sense of inner peace and contentment.

Practicing self-love is not about being narcissistic or self-absorbed. It’s about acknowledging our needs and taking the time to meet them. This can be as simple as taking care of our physical health, setting aside time for relaxation, or pursuing hobbies that we enjoy. It also involves challenging negative self-talk and replacing it with positive affirmations.

Self-Love: A Journey, Not a Destination

It’s important to remember that self-love is a journey, not a destination. It’s a continuous process that requires regular practice and patience. There will be times when we falter, succumbing to self-doubt and criticism. However, it’s crucial to treat these moments as opportunities for growth rather than signs of failure.

In conclusion, self-love is a critical aspect of our overall wellbeing. As college students, it’s essential that we learn to value ourselves and cultivate a positive relationship with ourselves. By doing so, we can not only enhance our mental health but also improve our relationships with others. Remember, the journey to self-love begins with a single step: the decision to prioritize ourselves and our needs. It’s a journey well worth taking.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

• Essay on I Love My Nation
• Essay on I Love Math
• Essay on Lotus Flower

Apart from these, you can look at all the essays by clicking here .

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Before You Love Someone Else, Love Yourself: A Personal Essay by Shoshanah L.

I used to hate myself. I hated how I looked, I hated that I was shy, I hated feeling dumb and unaccomplished, and I hated that I was not one of the popular kids. Every time I messed up or disappointed myself a voice inside my head would tell me that I was a failure, stupid, ugly, and worthless unless I could get it together. I believed it. I also believed that if these things were true of me then I did not deserve to be loved until I was “perfect”. For twenty-seven years I allowed these thoughts of hate, judgment, unacceptance, and fear to poison my mind. 

Growing up, the love I was most familiar with was conditional, toxic, and selfish. It often left me feeling neglected and shamed. I longed to be seen. I wanted someone to love me no matter how I looked, or what I could or could not do. I wanted to be enough. The emotional neglect I had felt for so long turned into an unhealthy need for attention and a quest to find someone who could love me. I chased after a love that would see me, accept me, and make me happy. However, as I experienced many different relationships, I began to discover that the love I sought was not truly what I desired and was often not enough. 

My skewed idea of love had left me broken. I was unhappy and weighed down by the shame of not being “perfect”…

My skewed idea of love had left me broken. I was unhappy and weighed down by the shame of not being “perfect,” and I was constantly disappointed when relationships did not work out. I had chased after love and approval from others for so long, and when all failed I realized that I had no idea who I was. My true self had been hidden away behind fear and shame. I was a shadow of an existence that was not authentic to my soul. I realized I had to choose; would I continue to live my life quiet, unhappy, and trapped? Or would I take a chance and be brave enough to be me? 

I was scared. I had never trusted myself or believed in my own goodness, so I had no idea what the other side of neglect would look like. One step at a time, I pushed back and started to say no to all of the negative voices. One step at a time I let go of the need to be validated and loved by another person. Then I turned to myself and promised that I would never again be my enemy. I knew me the best. I saw myself- truly, and if I could not love this human being standing in front of me, I knew I would never experience true authentic existence and love. For the first time in my life, I finally stood up for myself. 

At first loving myself was hard. I experienced different forms of negativity as I started to leave behind toxic relationships with people, work environments, and beliefs. But, one of the biggest things I experienced was loneliness. I had been focused on being enough for everyone but myself for so long that when I began to push back, I pushed out and away, leaving me alone and vulnerable to the unknown. Yet, during this season of loneliness, I found strength in the friends that stood by me and showed me true love, and I found that I was enough for myself. 

…I found strength in the friends that stood by me and showed me true love, and I found that I was enough for myself.

Today I am different. Loving myself has taught me that I no longer need to define my worth by another person’s standards. Loving myself has enabled me to face myself, see every part of me and completely accept me. And, although I still battle negative voices in my head at times, I no longer believe them. Loving myself has taught me to give myself grace and to trust that there is beauty and goodness in my heart. Through self-love my heart has become more dynamic, understanding, and has found new strength. Today loving myself is unconditional.

I used to believe the only kind of fulfilling love was between two people, but, the purest love cannot exist between us until we have learned how to truly love; and, we will never learn true love until we have felt it from and given it unconditionally to the only person we will ever know completely: ourself.

Next time you go looking for love, instead of searching for another person, find yourself and love you. Because when the day comes for you to let another person into your life, it will no longer be about needing someone to love the parts of you that you cannot, but rather, it will be about finding someone who can love you as much as you already love yourself.

Shoshanah L.

Follow Shoshanah on Instagram @shoshanah.l

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what a wonderful thing to learn at an early age. You are Enough! You are worthy of unconditional love.

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The Shock of Self Love by Sylvie Beauvais

Featured Artwork: “Daydream” by Anita Driessen

I am 48, sitting in session with a young woman 20 years younger than I. She is objectively beautiful, brilliant, and athletic.

“Hi Simone, how are you?

“I’m having a hard time, actually.” She says.

“What’s going on?” I try to convey my kindness with my eyes.

“I’ve never told you this before, but I don’t particularly like my body, and I hate my belly.” I look at her belly, there is no belly to discern. I look down at my belly, lots of belly there. In the moment, it feels like a Buddha belly, one full of generosity and wisdom. I ask something like:

“Do you know you’re beautiful?” I try to say this gently.

She says, “That’s what my friends tell me.” She then snorts and rolls her eyes, making it clear no compliment will shift her internal battle just yet.

I pay attention to her and we keep talking, but a tiny part of my brain looks inward. I have a belly, yes, but in that moment my main experience is one of profound comfort. Sitting, feeling relaxed, underneath my comfort I notice joy. Surprising to note the years of battles are behind me, replaced by love.

My 48-year-old body is lumpy in places, full of curves. Some curves society celebrates, some society shames. My love is sometimes conditional, of course. My body is easiest to love when I am alone. We all know the sanctioned body standards. The camera’s gaze is cold, and so is society’s. The beauty of fat people is rarely captured (though there is a proud movement on a few Instagram accounts.)

Picture me out with my friends, an early July evening walk on the beach. My friend asks a bystander, “Excuse me, would you mind taking our picture?” We line up, I put my hand around my friend’s waist and she’s so slight, like a trembling colt. The light is gorgeous, all ballerina peaches and pinks, and we’re smiling easily, glad to be with each other. The breeze flutters our hair, “And now, smile!”

We scroll through the shots. I see a fat woman standing with a lot of thin women. Questions come up, unbidden: Do I have permission to be this happy even though I’m fat and unphotogenic? Wait, who would I be asking for permission? I give myself permission. I know there is beauty in fat people, beauty in me, they just don’t know how to see it. My friend sends me the worst pictures of me. I’m a woman, in training for these emotional paper cuts all my life.

But when I am alone, walking down the street looking out instead of being looked at, I am broad, tall, confident, and powerful. Not likely to be mugged. I’m fascinated by all the faces and bodies and look at them with curiosity and warmth. I am in love with myself and in love with life, and I can reach those feelings so easily, they nestle in my hands. On I walk with the sun on my sweaty face, breeze through my unruly hair.

Within, I enjoy my thoughts, my amusements, my little realizations and prayers, my smiles and breaths. Hanging in the balcony hammock, I notice that a robin has rebuilt the nest used earlier this season for two broods. Once again the nest has crisply appointed grasses and clean edges. Like birds, I belong everywhere. I can comfortably lay on the ground, or the bench or the chair; on waxed airport floors, or on the sandy shore. My lone enemy is a narrow chair with fixed arms.

My body has many gifts. My sensitive skin sighs in gratitude under soft fabrics. Three years ago I learned about the “Highly Sensitive Person.” That’s me! This means both my senses and my emotional world are more responsive. I remember reading the Princess and the Pea when I was a child, and recognizing I was that princess. Someone knew about me. There might be others.

I often play pop music to chores, swaying my hips while I fold clothes, or put dishes away.

When I am alone, and sometimes when I am not, I can pleasure myself to feel the vital delight that gathers throughout my body. I can feel the sheet, the pressure, and my mood, how they all fold into each other, layer upon layer, and I can dig into my awareness of my desire, reaching for the starry burst of completion. Sometimes I choose the gift of awareness, passively noticing limbs, sensory spaces, and erogenous zones. These wonderful parts of myself offer up their generous beats of ecstasy: The juiciness of my joy in my pleasure.

Floating in a calm body of water is my most spiritual pleasure. I love looking up at the sky while I float and my skin spreads out covering the surface of the water and there is no border and I am the lake or the pool or the sea. The ocean holds me and I encompass it too. I am ancient and have been floating for millennia with the ethereal clouds. In this sense of primordial peace, my soul and my body remember the eternal presence of water, the beginning of things, the end of things too. Then I return to shady moss or hot sand, and my body is heavy again, but so delectably relaxed and free from question.

My most frequent sharp pleasure is the pleasure of food. My mouth is extraordinarily alive, it discerns layers of flavor. I remember eating tangerines as an eight-year-old. Peeling the orange skin careful with my little fingers, the noiseless burst of the juice vesicles in my mouth. The wash of pure tangerine essence—how bright the flavor, how inebriating the moment. Learning that life contained these unbelievably full moments of discovery. I ate another tangerine, then another, the pleasure refusing to fade even at the fifth tangerine.

My sweetie worries I will die when the world goes to shit and we only eat protein packs. He has it backwards. Why start now? As a sophisticated adult, the world is my pantry—and I delight in coevolution—for growing up under the shade of trees, in the garden of delightful berries, and rich meats, and sauces, and the cuisines of all the rivers and plains. Grateful to the countless humans that understood deliciousness and expanded our vocabulary, revealing the possibilities in juxtaposing flavors, when my mouth is suddenly a new mouth.

I enjoy trips to the day spa with my friends and we sit nude in pools of water with all our idiosyncrasies hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, free from judgment, noticing the differences between bodies with Zen-like detachment. Oh, this is that way, and this another way. Each person is unique, has their own language of skin, fat, muscle, and bone—a perfect architecture. All bodies are lovable. All bodies should be held, reveal their nooks and secrets.

Everyone appreciates my embrace, when I’m hugging friends, and when I’m spooning lovers. When they feel me, my lovers love my body. When they look at me, some look away. For others, I wear tight corsets. I like corsets. I listen to my inner voice’s clarity, remain affixed to my body’s joy, and let questioning lovers hold their own doubts.

Like all bodies, the journey of my body’s joy has had its share of tears. When I was a teenager, my brothers were relentless in calling me “Mammouth” (sounds like “Mah-Moot”) which means mammoth in French. When I was 14, my mother held bowls to her flat chest and danced around at the dinner table, singsonging “Guess who I am? I’m Sylvie.” My family frequently told me that I was too much, too fat, too unwieldy. Of course, looking at pictures from my high school years, all I see is beauty. My expressive body so lanky, curvy, expansive, and made for sweetness. But I did not understand that fully yet.

What I did understand was that the world had a bottomless ability to critique bodies, but especially female-identified bodies. I traveled between France and the United States every summer, and in France I was beautiful, and in America I was ugly and people told me so. Beauty as a cultural construct was cold comfort to me. Leaving my uncle Nicholas to start my trip back to the States, my uncle said, “I have a gift for you.” He took my hand and pressed a key ring onto my ring finger and said, “Just make sure this never fits. You’re getting fat.”

I learned eventually that some people would love my body and my spirit, and others would not. I sided with those that see me, and my beauty. My body always had so many ways of sharing its joy, but I did not know how to start thanking it until my 30s, after minor chronic illnesses budded within my body. The moments of pain highlighted the moments of pleasure, which were more abundant.

My 30s were the moment when my body moved into its full breadth, and I moved with it, into full appreciation. I would love my body, not just out of feminist obligation, but out of stubborn desire to embrace my chosen life, with my personal unique body. My body is honest, it tells the truth. I love pleasure over pain. I love comfort over striving. I love a book, and a snack, a nap, and a hug, over a run. Should I apologize for these loves? My only requirement of myself isn’t punitive, it is based on joy. I want to be able to do the things I want to do: to make love, to go for a modest hike, to walk the sidewalks of Philadelphia with friends for a couple of hours. To climb the stairs of my house, comfortably.

Before my 30s, I took for granted naps in the sun. I took for granted the flowers in my hands. I took for granted the beauty of the rich smell of loam, the green of ferns, and the hot end-of-day raspberry off the bush at the beach. I greedily snatched kisses from other people’s mouths, unthinkingly. So many joys in this world, so casually given, so easily taken. Can you treasure what you do not fear to lose? I see my 100-year-old grandfather and I measure his joys against mine. His world is smaller and echoes mine to some degree. Lots of naps. Chocolate, television, and books. Narratives and a nice meal. He watches over the orchids in his living room. I watch over the plants in my office. Their growth makes my spirit bright and helps combat the darkness of the pandemic and the weight of our societal and personal anxieties.

Simone engages bravely with therapy even through the pandemic. She likes having her relationship with her mind and heart challenged. She finds intellectual work easiest, much as I do. But I am slowly, discreetly, planting the seeds of self-love, hoping they will grow. The seeds are very small; they look like a few shared breaths together, in slowness and deliberation. Some seeds I hide under the rubric of joy—I tell her to do pleasurable things before and after moments of pain. Less anxiety, more joy, more truth and sharing of the self, more companionship in pleasure, as possible. These are some of the themes of our work. Therapists often plant seeds they will never see bud, and that does not trouble me.

I have to trust that my life’s journey is a path that others can walk. That anyone embattled with their body can find grace over time, just by noticing the small moments. I hold my cup of coffee in my bright blue ceramic mug, the one I bought the day we got engaged, and I sip the fresh ground coffee. I taste caramel, and nuts, and fire, and fields. The beans are proof of beauty and complexity, and human culture contributing to ten beautiful minutes of pleasure daily. My pleasure is in my hands, holding the warm mug. In my mouth, savoring the flavor. In my stomach, feeling a smidge fuller in a pleasant way. I feel joyful and I smile my private smile of gratitude and joy for my life, for humanity. The size of my belly is irrelevant. The size of Simone’s belly is irrelevant. I hope Simone finds her way here too.

*This essay is Simone approved and her name has been changed to protect her privacy.

Contributors:

Author Sylvie Beauvais

Sylvie Beauvais is a writer and psychotherapist living in Philadelphia. She received her Master’s of Liberal Arts in creative writing from the University of Pennsylvania. She has had work featured in several literary magazines. She blogs about life, travel, and writing at www.sylviewrites.com .

Artist Anita Driessen

Anita Driessen is an illustrator, a storyteller and a painter into tiny worlds. Her layered style of found objects, old letters and whimsical characters invite you in to explore a new world and your own imagination. Overlooking hills and faraway house, Anita lives with her fiancee, her son Micah, and their two cats, Chili and Pepper.

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I know! Isn’t it great getting older? Feeling relieved to have been there, done that, and arrived home in our own body with our loving warm heart? So sweet. Thank you!

I celebrate your celebration 🌹

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Essay Writing as a Tool for Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

T raditionally, essay writing was seen as an academic exercise, but not anymore. An essay is a piece of writing that is written to convince someone of something or to inform the reader about a particular topic. As students write essays, they introspect and learn at the same time. They understand that the essay writing process is not just about forming arguments or persuading readers; it is also a powerful mechanism for self-discovery. By articulating thoughts and emotions on paper, you better understand your perspectives and experiences.

Writing essays encourages writers to confront their inner thoughts, beliefs, and values. This confrontation is not always comfortable. Many of you already know this fact. However, the process is invariably enlightening. Through the structured thinking that essay writing demands, individuals can explore and organize their thoughts in ways other forms of reflection might not allow.

This process often leads to a deeper understanding of oneself. And not just that; it’s crucial for personal development. A 2019 study found that expressive writing has been shown to improve emotional and physiological health. Besides, the iterative nature of writing, that is, drafting, revising, and refining, mirrors the iterative process of personal growth. What does this premise mean? Well, self-awareness leads to new insights, which then lead to further questions and exploration.

But not everyone can write a compelling essay. Even the most talented writers can struggle with some topics. However, did you know that professional essay writers can help you with your paper? These experts specialize in specific disciplines and can provide subject-specific, content-savvy papers that surpass your expectations. And if you are not very conversant with writing an essay, rest assured that they will convince you or be adequately informed.

All in all, an essay must include several important components to make it flow logically. Its main parts (or sections) are the introduction, body, and conclusion. In a standard short essay, five paragraphs can provide the reader with enough information in a short space. However, more than five paragraphs must be present for a research paper or dissertation to not overwhelm the reader with too much information in one section.

Moreover, essay writing is a tool for emotional intelligence. Yes, you read that right. It offers a safe space for writers to express and manage their feelings. You often find clarity and a sense of relief as you translate complex emotions into words. The reflective practice of writing helps individuals cope with past experiences and prepares them for future challenges by building resilience and adaptability. Thus, the benefits of essay writing are vast. The following is a list of how essay writing is a tool for self-reflection and personal growth.

How Essay Writing is a Tool for Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

Essay writing can be the bridge between internal exploration and external expression. But how so? This practice allows individuals to explore their thoughts and feelings, translating introspection into tangible form. As you articulate your experiences and viewpoints, you engage in a dialogue with yourself, which fosters emotional growth.

• Enhances self-awareness : As previously mentioned, writing essays requires self-examination, which can significantly increase self-awareness. When you choose topics that resonate personally, you’re prompted to reflect on your beliefs, behaviors, and motivations. This process helps you understand yourself, highlights areas for improvement, and reaffirms your core values.
• Cultivates empathy : A recent study on the importance of writing practice showed statistically significant increases in various aspects of empathy, such as reasoning, including multiple perspectives, expressing emotion, and proposals for action, and statistically significant increases in empathy as a latent construct. When crafting essays, writers often explore different perspectives and consider alternative viewpoints. This exercise can cultivate empathy, as it encourages them to understand and articulate feelings and situations from other people’s points of view.
• Promotes critical thinking : Like any other form of academic writing, essay writing compels students to think critically about their experiences and the world around them. But the question is: how so? It involves analyzing one’s thoughts and questioning existing beliefs. This process can lead to new insights and a more informed perspective. Besides, critical examination helps you develop a more mature understanding of complex situations.
• Improves communication skills : Strong writing skills contribute to effective communication. Regular essay writing hones one’s ability to convey thoughts clearly and effectively. In fact, this point is scientifically proven. Essay writing helps individuals learn how to express their ideas in a structured, coherent, and persuasive manner.
• Facilitates emotional healing : We cannot emphasize this point enough. Writing about personal experiences, especially traumatic ones, can be therapeutic. Yes, you read that right. Putting emotions into words helps people process and make sense of their experiences.
• Encourages mindfulness : Writing promotes mindfulness, or present-moment awareness, and its associated qualities of calm/relaxation, nonjudgment, and intentionality. The focus required in essay writing can promote mindfulness. By concentrating on the present moment and the task of articulating thoughts, you can experience a calming effect, reducing anxiety and enhancing your overall mental health.
• Strengthens problem-solving abilities : Students’ problem-solving skill is heavily influenced by the learning process in the classroom. Essays often explore solutions to problems. They can involve real-world problems that trigger learning and optimize the power of problems to incorporate key learning processes. This aspect requires writers to think strategically about possible solutions, weighing pros and cons and considering outcomes.

Improve Your Writing Skills

For students, most of your assessments are done through writing. You will be asked to write essays for assignments and exams in most study areas. Accordingly, knowing how to write well is suitable for your grades. But there are other personal benefits as well. It can be a tool for personal growth and self-reflection. Essay writing can transform your understanding of yourself and the world around you.

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A Reflection on Self-Love

Personal perspective: narcissus reconsidered..

Posted February 5, 2024 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

• Why Relationships Matter
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
• The belief that narcissists are hiding around every corner has to do with misconceptions of the diagnosis.
• When complex psychological states enter the mainstream, misunderstanding can lead to harmful responses.

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self- distrust are grievous errors.” —Nisargadatta Maharaj

As a psychotherapist I have been intrigued by the growing interest in the rather rare disorder of narcissistic personality disorder . A Google search of the word returns 200,000,000 results.

It seems that everywhere you look you will find articles on how to identify if you work for a narcissist, have married one, or are raising one. There are even online tests you can take to determine if you are in the 1% of the population that carries this diagnosis.

In my decades of practice, I have never given this diagnosis and have only ever met one or two people who would qualify. The belief that narcissists are hiding around every corner has more to do with misconceptions of the diagnosis and a cultural turn toward cynical and judgmental attitudes toward those who are different.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), to receive a diagnosis of this personality disorder a person must meet at least five of the following criteria:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance.
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
• A need for excessive admiration.
• A sense of entitlement.
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior.
• A lack of empathy.
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her.
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.

The above is a far cry from the armchair diagnoses of “He is just so full of himself.”

I fear that when complex psychological states enter the mainstream as casually assigned labels misunderstanding leads to harmful responses. There are suggestions that raising children to praise themselves and engage in acts of self-compassion will lead to a narcissistic culture in which individualism trumps the good of the social network . If this does not worry you, it should. In an age of over-correction, it’s not hard to imagine that crushing someone’s self-esteem will be seen as “doing them a favor”; even cruder, “wiping that self-indulgent smile off your face” could come to be seen as an act of kindness. It’s not far-fetched to imagine a pharmaceutical company jumping on the bandwagon and pushing a “feel bad about yourself” pill as a countermeasure to an imagined state of egomania.

My professional experience working with thousands of clients is not that they think too highly of themselves but that they suffer from self-loathing . This devaluing of self is so entrenched that they will not “allow” themselves to feel better as they are convinced they do not deserve freedom from suffering. Whether due to abuse, bullying , or ritualistic dehumanization, my work across the spectrum of clients, from leaders of industries to the homeless, is evidence that what is lacking is not a realistic opinion of ourselves; instead, we too often allow others to define how we think and feel about ourselves.

One must wonder what the driving force is behind the warning bells that we are heading toward a time when everyone will “suffer” from high self-esteem and go around believing in their own self-worth. It’s beyond ironic that in an age when people, including children, can have their self-esteem lowered to the point of suicidal ideation, there are concerns about what could be an instinctual reflex to fend off these assaults through self-love.

The search for narcissists among us almost takes on a “Red Scare” vibe; based on irrational fears and misinformation, such “witch hunts” seem to be woven into our national psyche, seemingly fueled by a need to feel superior to those deemed different. The danger in spreading the word that self-love is creating a society of toxic individuals who only think of themselves is that a culture already ripe with self-righteous anger , discrimination , and hatred will turn even more virulent.

To avoid the inevitable all-or-nothing thinking that seeks simple solutions to complex issues, it’s important to note the concept of “adaptive narcissism” that psychologists report is related to psychological health and resilience . Psychologist Heinz Kohut postulated that narcissism was a healthy and normal part of development and “neither pathological nor obnoxious” Such a balanced approach benefits both those who have been mislabeled as narcissists and, perhaps more importantly, those who actually live with the diagnosis.

After 40 years as a mental health practitioner, it’s been my experience that field has lingered too long in a pathology-based, “what’s wrong with us?” framework. The current spotlight on the purported rise of narcissism runs the risk of becoming a blinding light of distraction rather than illuminating our true ailments.

We owe it to this generation and those that follow to approach the topic of self-worth and its myriad of manifestations with care and prudence so as to not allow someone else’s high opinion of themselves to become a cudgel used to disabuse another of theirs.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory .

Clarke, Karlov, and Neale. The many faces of narcissism: Narcissism factors and their predictive utility. Personality and Individual Differences.

Mike Verano, LPC, LMFT, CEAP, CCISM, CCTP, CFRC, is a licensed therapist, author, and public speaker.

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Understanding what emotional intelligence looks like and the steps needed to improve it could light a path to a more emotionally adept world.

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Her Own Words is dedicated to amplifying the voices of everyday women. Every Tuesday, episodes feature personal essays that explore the depths of love, resilience, adventure, and everything in between. Hosted by Yennifer Pedraza, who is on a mission to support and uplift women by sharing their inspiring stories and celebrating the diversity of women's experiences.

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• APR 16, 2024

My Mother's Daughter with Djofa Tavares

Today’s episode of Her Own Words features Djofa Tavares 💜🎙️ Note Before We Start: We form bonds with our biological mothers in the womb, but not everyone gets to develop that relationship. This might be a sensitive topic so please honor yourself as you move forward. Djofa Tavares is on a mission to strengthen the knowledge of Kriolu and Capeverdean culture. She’s a writer and Boston Public Schools teacher of Social Sciences for K0-5th grades students. Her upcoming projects include a memoir and a dual-language poetry book.  In this week’s episode, Djofa shares her essay, “My Mother’s Daughter,” reflecting on her complicated mother-daughter relationship as she grapples with feelings of frustration and enduring love for her aging mother. During our conversation, Djofa shared her experience with her emotionally distant mother and its impact. She talked about how she handled the lack of emotional closeness with her parents by leaning into self-love and finding support from other women in her community. As she journeyed into motherhood, she discovered the significance of being open and attentive with her kids and putting herself first to shape the person she aspired to be, despite the challenges of her upbringing. Connect with Djofa: TikTok @ Kriolu Basics Facebook @ Kriolu Basics Facebook @ Milimilacv Instagram @ Scribing_Sista Instagram @ MiliMila_ Follow Her Own Words on: Instagram @ ⁠Herownwords.podcast⁠ LinkedIn @ ⁠Her Own Words⁠ Website: ⁠⁠https://herownwords.club/⁠⁠ Do you have a story? ⁠Share a personal essay here⁠ Listeners can read the essay or watch the full conversation on the website. *** Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): Show Theme: https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/clear-sky  // License code: IUN6XTDNDDJVLFCJ Essay Song: https://uppbeat.io/t/studiokolomna/miracles // License code: CZXQMJIJCL6ZTILU

• APR 9, 2024

Her Own Words - Welcome to the Show!

This is Her Own Words, a podcast dedicated to amplifying the voices of everyday women through stories of love, resilience, adventure, and everything in between. Hosted by Yennifer Pedraza. Season 1 begins on April 16th, and episodes will air every Tuesday. Listen wherever you get your podcasts 🎙 Follow Her Own Words on: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/herownwords.podcast/ Website: ⁠https://herownwords.club/⁠ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/herownwords Subscribe today so you never missed an episode. Please send your suggestions to [email protected] *** Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): ⁠https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/clear-sky License code: IUN6XTDNDDJVLFCJ

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Kurt Cobain and Me: The Gen X poster child and rock legend is my Gen Z hero, too

My parents love nirvana, too. but i have my own relationship with cobain's music and persona, by gabriella ferrigine.

The boys spilled out of the locker room in a gnashing horde.

They pitched their bodies into the air and flung clumps of sweaty hair from their faces, headbanging in line with the stomping bass that had just cracked across the gym’s sound system. 

Full of flowing hormones and covered in dried sweat, the entirety of my high school gym class began to move to the music — each individual in their own way — enraptured by its energy and still thrumming with adrenaline from 2v2 basketball scrimmages. 

For a few fleeting minutes, social stratification was entirely dismantled by one rotating guitar riff. Sports jocks, guys who stuffed their bottom lip with dip in the back of class, girls who smelled like vanilla and bright artificial fruit, and reticent wallflowers, all churning together.

By the time the bell rang, prodding us toward precalc or a quiz on “The Sound and the Fury,” it did, in fact, smell like teen spirit. 

We filed out of the gym, buzzing and bedraggled. A shared ecstasy lingered, if only until the next period began. 

Experiencing that subtle, shimmering solidarity, the threading of different social subgroups together, is intrinsic to my attachment — as a member of Gen Z , not X — to Kurt Cobain, frontman of the iconic '90s grunge rock band Nirvana. 

Since the genesis of the band in 1987 — and Cobain’s subsequent, seismic fame, then tragic death by suicide — he’s functioned as something of a talismanic leader for generations of morose, angsty and disaffected fans. Some of this posthumous cultural longevity is surely due to his premature death, which preserved him in amber, devoid of a flop era and safe from cancellable offense. But that doesn't entirely explain his enduring appeal. Cobain’s emotional melancholy is something members of Gen Z — widely understood as prone to trauma-dumping on the internet and hyper-sensitivity — can find particularly relatable. 

Raised by Gen X parents like mine whose early adulthoods were largely defined by Nirvana and Cobain, his music became part of a shared, familial identity they could pass down to us. In a recent essay for The Guardian, writer Hannah Ewens opines that “Just as the Beatles defined the construct of a rock band, Nirvana redefined what a band was — both in the public consciousness and to other musicians: unpretentious, tough and sensitive, embraced by the system while threatening it.” It's not particularly rebellious to embrace your parents' definition of good music, but over time, I forged my own relationship with Kurt Cobain, distinct from theirs. 

In all honestly, I’ve always felt several standard deviations away from what feels normal (an entirely subjective term). I know this sounds moderately insufferable, but bear with me. My life has been overwhelmingly positive in so many ways. And yet, setting aside personal conflicts and a heady amalgam of ADHD and anxiety, much of it has also felt very different to me than how it’s appeared outwardly to others. I don’t have a complex, philosophical explanation for this discrepancy. I don’t think you always need one. Cobain's music gives me a language for reconciling my own contradictions. We aren't the same by any means: I've had no meteoric rise to fame, no heroin addiction. But there was still a person named Kurt before all that happened to him. 

During my first years of college, like many, I struggled with finding my sense of self. Flush with insecurities of every kind, I tried on different personalities (and some bad outfits) in an effort to, if not wholly reinvent myself, at least discover something about myself that I actually liked or felt secure about. It was a process that ultimately backfired — by trying to be someone I wasn’t, I inadvertently jettisoned some of the most fundamentally defining pieces of myself. And all the while, I was still as sullen and angsty as ever. That all changed on Christmas Day, 2018, when my parents gave me my first pair of Doc Marten boots. 

Laugh if you will, but getting my Docs was like finding my glass slipper. At nearly 6 feet tall, I’d always felt something like Cinderella’s stepsisters, trying to cram my oversized foot into a tiny, dainty, acceptably pretty and interesting shoe. I wear them most days now. Aside from being comfortable, they're equipped with a steel-toed tenacity ideal for navigating New York’s perpetually crusty streets. 

And yes, Docs were a subcultural fashion item of the ‘90s — my dad still owns the pair he wore moshing at a Nirvana show with my mom at the now-shuttered Roseland Ballroom in New York in 1993. While Cobain wore Converse for that particular performance, I’m certain he laced up his boots often too. I often find myself gravitating toward those looks: slouchy pants, oversized jackets and knitwear, the occasional grandpa cardigan. As I’ve grown older, I’ve become increasingly confident in myself and my fashion choices, aware that the old adage is true: What you wear is truly a reflection of who you are. I’m sure that’s what Cobain was trying to convey every time he opted for a skirt or floral-patterned dress for a live performance. That has always been an inspiring exemplar of unabashed confidence to me.

But carrying yourself with confidence in public doesn’t necessarily equate to comfort with — or suitability for — fame, as Cobain's conflicted relationship to the celebrity status that accompanied his artistic success showed me. Regardless of whether he sought to be an international star before it happened, the “slings and arrows” of fame that writer Michael Azerrad wrote about in part for the 2021 New Yorker essay, “My Time With Kurt Cobain,” underpinned the rocker’s mental and emotional health struggles. 

It's not particularly rebellious to embrace your parents' definition of good music, but over time, I forged my own relationship with Kurt Cobain, distinct from theirs. 

In all likelihood, I’ll never be famous, and that’s OK. It’s not exactly something I aspire toward. But the essence of Cobain’s fame has always been incredibly relatable to me. There’s something so vulnerable and real — in an attention economy that demands performance from us all — about someone trying to keep a firm foothold in two warring worlds simultaneously, straddling the ever-oscillating line of what the public sees and what it can't. (“I’m not like them, but I can pretend,” resonates.)

This tension that seems innately bound into Cobain's persona — and Nirvana more broadly — is accurately reflected in the band’s lyrics. Dark, atmospheric themes abound — anger, personal struggles, violence, real and figurative — and while the sometimes disturbing subject matter can be difficult to take, I found the messages braided into them intriguing. His lyrics reflected Cobain’s chaos and mystique, which is to say, I didn’t necessarily understand them all, especially as a kid. All I knew was — mingled with his raspy voice and the band’s splintering sounds — they made me feel at an entirely unprecedented level. And some latent part of me was drawn to that brooding sentiment.

It came as no surprise to me when I learned that he was also a Pisces. 

Whether you believe in astrological signs or find it all to be a bit hokey, I find that Cobain embodied the compassion, sensitivity and emotional profundity that have come to be associated with the symbol of two fish swimming in opposite directions. That division between fantasy and reality — a liminal space I constantly turn to — is one that Cobain ostensibly occupied just as frequently. It’s something like the Vitruvian man, constantly splayed in different directions by our thoughts and ever-shifting emotions. It’s an identity Cobain internalized so intensely that he even carried it with him into his death in April of 1994, writing in his suicide note that he was a “sad little, sensitive, unappreciative Pisces, Jesus man.”

I’ve always known that finding comfort in the music and fashion of my parents’ generation, specifically the elements of it that have since become canonical, is a byproduct of my close-knit and large immediate family. It’s an idiosyncratic, shared existence — something that makes me feel comforted and protective at once. And yet, I’m my own person. While I would be remiss to ignore the inescapability of influence, my relationship with Cobain and his work could never precisely mirror theirs. And I think that’s part of his legacy. He was able to transcend space and time so seamlessly, so acutely, that his aura — which has spoken to my mom and dad for nearly 40 years — now screams to me from a stage set in an entirely different void. 

So consider me influenced, if that’s what becoming secure in my tastes and personhood means. I won’t be running from that anytime soon. 

If you are in crisis, please call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

about Nirvana

• I'm not like them, but I can pretend (Obviously, this is an essay about Kurt Cobain and Nirvana)
• Kurt Cobain's daughter marks the 30th anniversary of his death with a loving tribute
• "Nevermind" 30 years on — how Nirvana's second album tilted the world on its axis

Gabriella Ferrigine is a staff writer at Salon. Originally from the Jersey Shore, she moved to New York City in 2016 to attend Columbia University, where she received her B.A. in English and M.A. in American Studies. Formerly a staff writer at NowThis News, she has an M.A. in Magazine Journalism from NYU and was previously a news fellow at Salon.

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