infidelity cause of divorce essay

Infidelity as a Cause of Divorce and Stress Disorder Research Paper

Introduction, definitions of infidelity, myths about infidelity, infidelity in a marriage as the first cause of divorce, chances to overcome infidelity and save a happy marriage, post-infidelity stress disorder.

Nowadays, it is not an easy task to create a good marriage and keep it for a long period of time. Men, as well as women, get an access to a number of temptations. Sometimes, people are just not able to resist the possibilities they have and become the main begetters of their own mistakes and frustrations.

Among the existing variety of mistakes and wrong decisions, infidelity is the main cause of a family disruption, divorce, and stress disorders. Infidelity is a serious issue for consideration due to the myths existing around and the inabilities to comprehend how to cope with the cases of infidelity and overcome possible stress disorders.

Divorces, as well as stress disorders, may be caused by different reasons, still, the idea of infidelity is rather provocative as people themselves have a right to choose whether to cheat and break the vow like “till death do us part” or not; and the current paper discusses the aspects of infidelity, its myths, reasons, and outcomes, analyzes the impact of infidelity on the development of stress disorders, and explains how people can avoid infidelity and save their families.

One of the strangest things about infidelity is that people may understand its essence in many different ways because of their own attitudes infidelity or because of the myths people create from time to time to try to justify their actions. For example, the Oxford Dictionaries (2015) explain infidelity as an action of being unfaithful to a spouse. In fact, this explanation seems to be too general as it provides a person with a chance to interpret the idea of faith in a family differently.

Many researchers and philosophers have made the attempt to introduce their own identification of infidelity and offer their explanations. Brown (2013) indicates that infidelity is the act in which more than 55% of men and about 45% of women are involved. Stosny (2013) introduces infidelity as the act that presupposes lies, manipulations, stealing, or cheating separately or together and leads to divorce. In fact, the act of infidelity is everything that contradicts the principles of a successful marriage.

Two people make a decision to spend the rest of their lives together, create their own vows, and swear to support each other under different circumstances. However, there are not many people, who can truly predict their future and be sure of the loyalty of the chosen spouse.

This is why, unfortunately, the cases of infidelity are usual and understandable. Anyway, infidelity should be defined as an act of betrayal, either emotional or sexual, by one or both spouses that can or cannot be forgiven. People, who make a decision to break the vows given at the beginning of their marriages, should realize that their infidelities usually touch upon several people (parents, fellows, and even the lives and families of those, whom they betray with).

An affair that causes the act of infidelity can happen to anyone. Nowadays, people are eager to defend their rights and promote the abilities to choose what they want and when they want. It is hard to prove their incorrectness unless some legal perspectives are considered. Nowadays, the law is the only thing that can stop people from making mistakes or take responsibility for something already done. However, the law usually has nothing in common with infidelity unless some points are discussed in a special prenuptial agreement.

Why is it so difficult to survive infidelity and just not to cheat staying a loyal to the chosen spouse? Many people think that infidelity leads to divorce because those, who begin affairs, usually look for someone younger and more attractive. The current examples of the celebrities (Jude Law, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Woody Allan) prove that marriage infidelity may be not based on beauty or age.

People can break their promises because of different reasons. Sometimes, they do not even need the reasons. People also believe that infidelity happens because something goes wrong with their marriages and a person, who cheats once, can cheat again. All these facts are false indeed.

Everything depends on people and their abilities, and the nature of each person is unique indeed. Some people cannot even realize why they actually cheat and let infidelity in their family. There are also many men and women, who like to cheat because they can do it or because someone else is doing it. These myths about infidelity help to realize why it is so difficult to understand how infidelity may become the first reason for divorce.

Infidelity may be of two types: sexual and emotional. The former takes place when one of the spouses begins sexual affairs with another person. The latter may have nothing in common with a real cheat; the spouse may betray talking to another person with something too personal, refusing doing something with another spouse, or being unable to understand what happens around (Subotnik & Harris, 2005).

It happens that sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity lead to different outcomes: sometimes, people are ready to forgive sexual infidelity and continue living, but can hardly forget or understand an emotional type of infidelity. Borst (2015) admits that the experiences of infidelity create certain injuries to a person, a couple, and a child in a variety of ways on the basis the reduction of relational satisfaction and the intention to try something new to change the situation.

Infidelity does not lead to divorce all the time. If infidelity is caused by the dissatisfaction of one of the spouses, a simple desire to have an affair or an occasional meeting, the marriage can be saved. Both spouses have to be ready to talk to each other directly, define their mistakes, share their expectations, and explain their behavior. If the spouses are ready to forgive and forget, the divorce may be avoided. However, the following situations may certainly end in divorce:

The spouse that has been caught with cheating continues rejecting the fact of having an affair. This case of infidelity is difficult indeed because the betrayed spouse realizes that it is impossible to trust a person again and provide him/her with a second chance.
Many people get to know about the case of betrayal and start supporting only one of the partners. In fact, people are free to judge, share their own opinions, and make conclusions. Still, they should never interrupt the relations within a family, give some pieces of advice, or stand one’s side. As soon as infidelity takes place, only two people, the spouses, have to discuss this problem and find the ways out.
In case infidelity touches upon the financial aspect, the marriage is usually over. Nowadays, people put their financial needs more than anything else in this life. As soon as the point of infidelity is mentioned in the agreement, the spouses try to check each other and make sure they can benefit from it.

Anyway, even if infidelity does not lead directly to divorce, it certainly creates a crack that may be increased with time without any reasons. This is why it is correct to define infidelity as the first cause of divorce.

Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon (2014) admit that a case of infidelity may be survived if three steps are taken: to take an initial impact, to find out the meaning, and to come to one decision on how to move on. In contradiction to the above-mentioned facts and identification of infidelity as the first cause of divorce, it is possible to say that there is also a little percent of the cases, when the partners are ready to forgive cheating and save marriage. As a rule, the following factors may promote this kind of decision:

The necessity to take care of mutual children;
An evident blame of the spouse, who makes another spouse cheat (a wife/husband may suffer from poor attention from the husband/wife’s side, the absence of sex, etc.);
Some financial benefits of saving a marriage (nowadays, many people put their financial interests on the first place);
A pure love of one of the spouses or even both of them and the desire to give one more chance to change everything (there are many couples that re-evaluate their relations after an act of infidelity);
If infidelity is not disclosed by a spouse, it can hardly be a reason to divorce.

Stress disorders are one of the possible outcomes of infidelity. Betrayed people are under a threat to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) to some extent. As any other kind of stress disorder, the post-infidelity stress disorder is usually caused by the spouse’s inability to forget what has happened.

The situation when a beloved person betrays with another person repeats in the mind a lot of times. It turns out to be impossible to stop thinking about the possible words, actions, kisses, etc. given to another person. These flashbacks and nightmares serve as a solid basis for stress disorders. Unfortunately, these are not the only signs of a stress disorder. Families may also suffer because of avoidance of the fact of betrayal and a kind of emotional numbing.

Betrayed people try to turn off their emotions and start feeling nothing. Such solutions usually lead to a number of wrong decisions and actions that can hardly be changed or forgotten. A broken heart is not only a lyrical word-combination. It is a reality that makes people feel anger or feel nothing and become socially dangerous, at least, for some period of time.

In general, infidelity is something people can hardly avoid in their lives. Of course, there are the examples when families live long happy lives till death separates them. However, the cruel reality proves that many people suffer from betrayal and have to do something to survive it.

Of course, the marriage can be saved even after infidelity takes place in case people want this to happen and do everything possible to change the situation. Still, infidelity usually changes people, and the most terrible thing about infidelity is that people cannot even guess how they can be changed by this act. Infidelity does lead to divorce as well as to stress disorders. However, it is not the worst options available to people, and they have to know it.

Borst, J.B. (2015). A systematic review of the effects of family conflict: Focusing on divorce, infidelity, and attachment style. Master of Social Work Clinical Research Papers .

Brown, E.M. (2013). Patterns of infidelity and their treatment . New York: Routledge.

Oxford Dictionaries. (2015). Infidelity. Web.

Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2014). Treating infidelity: An integrative approach to resolving trauma and promoting forgiveness. The ACPARIAN, 8 , 18-21.

Stosny, S. (2013). Living and loving after betrayal: How to heal from emotional abuse, deceit, infidelity, and chromic resentment. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Subotnik, R.B. & Harris, G. (2005). Surviving infidelity: Making decisions, recovering from the pain. Avon, MA: Adams Media.

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5 Reasons Divorce May Be the Best Option If Your Spouse Cheated on You

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Though not always the case, infidelity can definitely destroy a marriage. Some people are incredibly understanding and willing to move past their spouse's indiscretion for the greater good of their relationship or children, but others aren't quite as able to forgive and forget. Of course, everyone has their own reasons for wanting to end the marriage after someone cheats, but for many people, they feel as though cheating brings on feelings of pain and betrayal, but more urgently, it undermines the trust. Unfortunately, a lot of couples have a hard time coming back from that.

If your spouse cheated and you're grappling with what to do, know that there's no rush to make a decision. After all, this is perhaps one of the most significant decisions you'll make in your life, so take time to think about what would be best for you. Keep reading for our top five reasons why legally separating from or divorcing the person who broke the trust in your marriage may be the best move for you.

The Trust Is Gone

It may feel like in just an instant, the revelation of an affair turns your spouse—your most trusted confidant and partner—into a stranger. Who is this person who deceived and betrayed you? How can you believe anything they say now? How can you be sure they won't have another affair ? Trust is often the first and biggest casualty of infidelity, but it's also the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

Keep in mind, you may feel irreparably hurt right now, but you will be okay—no matter what you decide to do.

To ensure you don't develop any deep-seated trust issues in any future relationships, you may want to consider discussing your situation with a therapist . Though he may not be able to "fix" everything after a few sessions, they will help you work through your emotions so that this affair doesn't won't cause any more emotional damage than it has to.

Underlying Issues Are Exposed

After your spouse comes clean about their affair, it may seem like all of the issues have suddenly become more pronounced. In fact, a chicken-and-egg dilemma may even come about: Was the cheating the cause of our marital problems, or was it a manifestation of existing problems? In either situation, the infidelity brings any and all issues to the surface—and they have to be addressed before the marriage can heal, regardless of whether or not you're considering divorce .

For some couples, the problems are too deep-rooted or numerous to overcome. But for others, performing an honest evaluation of the marriage allows the partners to regroup and move forward with a clean slate.

Denial Has Become Your New Best Friend

To the faithful spouse, the affair may come as a total shock or surprise—so much so that you have a hard time accepting that it happened. Others may put blinders on and stay in with the now unhappy marriage because it's a more comfortable, secure option than confronting your cheating S.O. and possibly getting a divorce.

We're definitely not saying that anyone who decides to stay married to a spouse who cheated is in denial. In some cases, we think that a relationship may become stronger after one or both parties cheat (after extensive, honest conversations or therapy). However, if your shock and hurt keep you from acknowledging your feelings about what happened and you'd rather not say anything than risk rocking the marital boat, take some time and consider what keeping quiet may do to your self-esteem .

The Dynamic Has Completely Changed

If one of you has totally disengaged from the marriage, the other's attempts at reconciliation may become totally futile. The healing process is next to impossible unless both of you are equally willing to put in the necessary legwork to rehabilitate the marriage—whether that means attending couples' therapy or taking ownership of their missteps.

You Feel Rejected

It is totally normal to feel an aching sense of rejection if your partner has drifted into someone else's arms. You may think that they are either not attracted to you anymore or that someone else can give them something that you cannot. However, your spouse's cheating is not a reflection of you, nor is it a reason to question your own sense of self.

Unfortunately, there's probably nothing your friends or family could say to ease your emotional pain, but talking to people you love and trust will definitely provide you with a sense of comfort. One thing you definitely should not do as a result of feeling rejected is going out and have your own affair. That will only make you feel worse, even if it feels better in the moment.

Cheating as the Cause of Divorce

Family life is associated with a variety of unique difficulties that can arise throughout the partnership. As in any dynamic system, there are periods in the family called crisis periods. During them, hidden and unresolved problems escalate, and conflicts or quarrels become more frequent. Many families will struggle to deal with such times and have their situation permanently changed. Some will separate permanently, which affects both the partners and those around them, most importantly children. Marital infidelity is one factor that frequently leads to divorces, as it often cannot be resolved. This essay will attempt to address and explain its causes as well as elaborate on its effects on marriage.

A large number of factors, most of which cannot be considered the sole fault of one party, can serve as a basis for adultery. In particular, the act can be the expression of the problematic situation within the family rather than its cause. Sometimes, due to being unable or unwilling to discuss their problems with the marriage, they will keep silent and not let their significant other know about their distress. Such a spouse may begin looking for a person that they consider more suitable.

This practice can take the form of seeking physical intimacy with a stranger for short-term satisfaction or going to an acquaintance for emotional comfort and eventually taking the relationship further. With the advent of social networks and the ease of communicating with others that they enable, such cases are becoming more common. Ultimately, in this case, both partners are responsible for creating the situation that leads to adultery, though the degree of individual responsibility varies.

With that said, while many instances of cheating are the results of a volatile family situation, there are also personal factors that can push one to commit adultery. The act is seen by society as immoral and taboo, which can lead people with loose inhibitions to commit it for the thrill. Such motivations are also likely the reason why people who cheated on their partners in the past are generally more likely to do so again.

In other cases, mental conditions can influence people and lead to self-destructive behavior. In such cases, the person typically knows that the act will harm the family but commits it regardless. Cheating as revenge after learning of one’s partner’s unfaithfulness should also be considered part of this category. Sometimes, they will even push another person who is committed to a relationship into adultery out of the belief that in doing so, they will share the burden.

Adultery has a substantial adverse effect on both the individual parties and the marriage as a whole. The spouse that has been cheated on feels inadequate and begins looking for personal faults that drove their partner to act as they have. The cheater feels guilty and mentally weak because they could not resist the temptation to betray their spouse. Both parties can manifest significant issues as a result, including depression and, possibly, suicide.

Moreover, partly due to the tendency of cheaters to do so again, marriages often end after adultery is discovered. One or both partners will often see the act as the dissolution of their relationship. Divorce is a natural continuation of this logic, dissolving the partnership in practice as well as theory. Children are likely to be affected adversely as a result, especially because adultery-related divorces tend not to end with the adults being on good terms.

The institute of marriage is based on deep trust between the two partners that enter into it. Adultery is considered a violation of that faith in each other and a severe betrayal. As such, people do not commit it lightly or for no reason but require a substantial source of motivation to do so. Generally, both parties are at fault, escalating negativity in the family until one or both seek escape in relationships outside of it.

However, some considerations may make a person more likely to cheat, which are mostly related to their mental condition. Ultimately, however, adultery is highly destructive to marriages regardless of the cause and will often lead to their dissolution in the case that the other spouse learns about the act. It is usually best for both parties, but any children they have are likely to be severely and adversely affected.

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How Infidelity Can Destroy Your Marriage? And How To Reverse it?

Marriage , a sacred union built on trust and love , can be profoundly shaken by the devastating blow of infidelity . Infidelity in marriage is a painful breach of trust that has the potential to unravel even the strongest of bonds and end up in divorce . It’s a complex issue with far-reaching consequences, often leading couples down the path of divorce. But is divorce the only solution when infidelity strikes, or is there a glimmer of hope for reconciliation and rebuilding? In this comprehensive exploration, we delve into the destructive power of infidelity, recognize the signs, discuss the road to divorce, and offer insights into whether reconciliation is possible. Join us on this journey as we uncover the steps to reverse the damage and mend a marriage torn apart by infidelity.

1 Understanding Infidelity
2.1 How Infidelity in Marriage Often Leads to Divorce
2.2 Legal Implications and Considerations in Divorce
3.1 Factors to Consider When Contemplating Reconciliation
3.2 Steps to Reverse the Damage
4 Strategies for Healing
5.1 The Importance of Marriage Therapy
5.2 How Professional Guidance Helps in Rebuilding Trust
5.3 Rebuilding Trust
6 Conclusion

Understanding Infidelity

Infidelity, in its various forms, involves a breach of trust in a committed relationship . It can manifest through emotional or physical connections outside the marriage. Common reasons behind infidelity often include unmet emotional needs, dissatisfaction, or curiosity.

The Destructive Power of Infidelity

Infidelity wields a profound and destructive influence on marriages. It leaves emotional scars and psychological consequences for both partners. The betrayed spouse often experiences deep emotional pain, while the one who strayed may grapple with guilt and remorse.

Recognizing the Signs

Signs of infidelity can include trust issues , unexplained changes in behavior, and communication breakdown. Suspicion and secrecy may become prevalent in the relationship. These signs often serve as warning signals.

The Road to Divorce

Infidelity frequently paves the way to divorce, as the breach of trust can become irreparable. Legal aspects, such as property division and custody battles, further complicate divorce proceedings when infidelity is involved.

The Real Reason Behind Divorce

Infidelity, often referred to as the ultimate betrayal in a marriage, frequently paves the way to divorce. Here, we delve into why infidelity can be the breaking point for many couples and the legal implications it carries in divorce proceedings.

How Infidelity in Marriage Often Leads to Divorce

Infidelity shatters trust, which is the cornerstone of any healthy marriage. When one partner discovers that the other has strayed, it triggers a whirlwind of emotions – betrayal, hurt, anger , and despair. This emotional turmoil can create an irreparable rift between spouses, making reconciliation seem impossible. The breach of trust can become a gaping chasm that neither partner can bridge.

Moreover, infidelity often exposes deeper issues within the marriage, such as communication breakdowns, unmet emotional needs, or unresolved conflicts. These underlying problems, coupled with the emotional trauma of infidelity, further push couples toward the decision to divorce.

Legal Implications and Considerations in Divorce

From a legal standpoint, infidelity itself is not typically a direct cause of divorce in no-fault divorce jurisdictions. However, it can significantly influence divorce proceedings in various ways:

Property Division: In some states, marital misconduct, including infidelity, may be considered when dividing marital assets. The betrayed spouse might be awarded a larger share of the assets as compensation for the emotional and financial impact of the affair.
Alimony: Infidelity can also impact alimony (spousal support) arrangements. The court may take into account the circumstances of the affair when determining alimony payments. For instance, if the infidelity resulted in a significant financial drain on marital resources, it could affect the alimony awarded.
Child Custody: When children are involved, infidelity can influence child custody decisions. Courts prioritize the best interests of the child, and if infidelity has negatively affected the child’s well-being or if one parent’s behavior during the affair raises concerns about their suitability as a custodial parent, it may affect custody arrangements.
Prenuptial Agreements: If the couple has a prenuptial agreement that addresses infidelity, it will play a crucial role in divorce proceedings. The agreement may specify financial consequences or property division in case of infidelity.
Mediation vs. Litigation: Infidelity can intensify the conflict between spouses, making litigation more likely. However, some couples choose mediation or collaborative divorce processes to maintain a more amicable and private resolution.

In conclusion, while infidelity itself may not be the sole reason for divorce in no-fault states, it can be the catalyst that leads couples down the path of dissolution. The emotional toll and legal implications of infidelity make divorce a complex and challenging process for many couples.

The Possibility of Saving a Marriage After Infidelity

When infidelity rocks a marriage, the prospect of salvaging the relationship might seem bleak, but it’s not always an impossibility. Here, we explore the difficult but essential conversation about whether to pursue reconciliation after infidelity, along with the factors and steps involved.

Factors to Consider When Contemplating Reconciliation

Genuine Remorse: The unfaithful partner must express sincere remorse for their actions. True remorse involves taking responsibility for the betrayal, acknowledging the pain caused, and demonstrating a commitment to change.
Open Communication: Effective communication is paramount. Both partners need to be willing to talk openly about their feelings, concerns, and needs. Professional therapy or counseling can facilitate these conversations.
Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding trust is a painstaking process. It requires transparency, consistency, and a willingness to address the underlying issues that contributed to the affair. Trust can take a long time to reestablish.
Personal Growth: Both spouses should be committed to personal growth and self-improvement. This might involve individual therapy or counseling to address personal issues that contributed to the infidelity.
Forgiveness : Forgiveness is a critical component of reconciliation. The betrayed partner must work through their feelings of anger and hurt, and the unfaithful partner must be patient and understanding during this process.
Boundaries: Clear and healthy boundaries need to be established and respected. These boundaries should address behaviors that led to the infidelity and help prevent future transgressions.
Professional Help: Many couples find it beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional therapist or counselor who specializes in infidelity. A therapist can facilitate the healing process and provide tools for rebuilding the relationship.

Steps to Reverse the Damage

Acknowledgment: Both partners must acknowledge the affair and its impact on the relationship. Avoiding or denying the reality of the situation will hinder progress.
Seek Professional Help: Consider engaging a qualified therapist or counselor experienced in infidelity and marriage counseling . They can provide guidance, mediation, and a structured path to recovery.
Complete Transparency: The unfaithful partner should be completely transparent about their actions, the circumstances surrounding the affair, and any ongoing contact with the third party.
Rebuilding Emotional Connection: Focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy. Engage in activities that nurture emotional closeness, such as deep conversations, shared experiences, and expressions of love and appreciation.
Forgiveness and Healing: The process of forgiveness can be lengthy. Both partners should actively participate in the healing journey. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting but rather letting go of the desire for revenge.
Reevaluating the Relationship: Take time to reevaluate the relationship. Is it worth saving? Are both partners committed to the work required for reconciliation? Sometimes, despite best efforts, couples decide that separation is the best option.
Moving Forward: If reconciliation is the chosen path, focus on moving forward together. Develop a vision for the future of the relationship, set goals, and continuously work on strengthening your bond.

Ultimately, the decision to save a marriage after infidelity is deeply personal. It requires introspection , open communication, and a shared commitment to rebuilding trust and emotional connection. While it’s undoubtedly challenging, with the right approach and support, some couples manage to emerge from infidelity stronger and more connected than before.

Strategies for Healing

Couples who are determined to heal their relationship after infidelity can employ several key strategies to navigate this challenging journey:

1. Open Communication: Open and honest communication is the foundation of healing. Both partners should be willing to express their feelings, concerns, and needs without judgment. This involves active listening, empathy , and creating a safe space for dialogue.

2. Therapy and Counseling: Seeking professional help is often crucial in the aftermath of infidelity. Couples therapy , individual therapy, or specialized infidelity counseling can provide guidance, facilitate constructive conversations, and offer tools for rebuilding trust.

3. Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a complex but vital component of healing. The betrayed partner must work through their feelings of anger and hurt, while the unfaithful partner should demonstrate genuine remorse and a commitment to change. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting but rather letting go of the desire for revenge.

4. Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding trust is a gradual process. Trust-building measures should be consistent, transparent, and based on mutual agreements. Trust can take time to reestablish, but it’s essential for the relationship’s recovery.

5. Boundaries: Establishing clear and healthy boundaries is essential to prevent future transgressions. Couples should collaboratively set boundaries that address the behaviors and circumstances that led to the infidelity.

6. Seeking Professional Help: Professional therapists or counselors who specialize in infidelity can provide invaluable support. They can mediate conversations, offer insights, and guide couples through the challenging stages of healing.

7. Self-Care: Both partners should prioritize self-care throughout the healing process. This includes attending to their emotional and physical well-being, engaging in activities they enjoy, and finding healthy ways to cope with stress .

8. Patience and Persistence: Healing from infidelity is not a linear process, and setbacks are possible. Patience and persistence are essential. It’s crucial to stay committed to the work required for recovery, even when facing challenges.

9. Focus on the Future: While it’s essential to address the past, couples should also focus on the future. Develop a shared vision for the relationship, set goals, and continuously work on strengthening your emotional connection.

Seeking Professional Help

One of the most crucial steps for couples grappling with infidelity in their marriage is seeking professional help. Infidelity is a complex and deeply emotional issue that often requires guidance from trained therapists or counselors who specialize in relationship and infidelity recovery. Here, we’ll explore the significance of professional intervention and how it aids in the process of healing and rebuilding trust and connection.

The Importance of Marriage Therapy

Marriage counseling or therapy is an invaluable resource for couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity. Here’s why it’s so important:

Neutral Mediation: A skilled therapist provides a neutral and non-judgmental space for both partners to express their feelings and concerns. This neutrality is crucial in preventing further emotional harm and facilitating constructive dialogue.
Communication Facilitation: Infidelity often leads to communication breakdowns. Therapists are trained to facilitate healthy and open communication between partners. They teach effective communication skills, active listening, and empathetic responding.
Insight and Guidance: Therapists offer insights into the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity. They help couples explore the emotional, psychological, and relational factors at play. This deeper understanding is instrumental in addressing root causes.
Conflict Resolution : Infidelity can lead to intense conflicts. Therapists equip couples with conflict resolution techniques to manage disagreements in a healthy and constructive manner. This prevents arguments from escalating further.

How Professional Guidance Helps in Rebuilding Trust

Rebuilding trust and connection after infidelity is a delicate process. Professional therapists play a pivotal role in this journey:

Mediating Difficult Conversations: Therapists create a safe environment for couples to discuss the painful details of the infidelity, share their emotions, and ask questions. This structured approach prevents conversations from becoming confrontational and helps rebuild understanding.
Addressing Emotional Wounds: Infidelity inflicts deep emotional wounds on both partners. Therapists assist in processing these emotions and provide strategies to cope with feelings of betrayal, anger, and hurt.
Developing a Trust-Building Plan: Therapists help couples devise a trust-building plan. This includes setting clear expectations, boundaries, and guidelines for the unfaithful partner to rebuild trust over time.
Teaching Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a vital aspect of healing. Therapists guide couples through the forgiveness process, emphasizing that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting but rather letting go of the desire for revenge.

Rebuilding Trust

Transparency: Therapists encourage transparency in the relationship. The unfaithful partner must be honest and forthcoming about their actions and intentions. This transparency helps rebuild trust incrementally.
Consistency: Trust is built through consistent actions over time. Therapists guide couples in identifying and practicing trust-building behaviors. These actions demonstrate commitment and reliability.
Validation: Therapists validate the feelings and concerns of both partners. Validating emotions helps create an atmosphere of empathy, understanding, and compassion, which are essential for trust to be rebuilt.
Progress Monitoring: Therapists track the progress of the relationship, ensuring that the trust-building plan is being followed. They make necessary adjustments and offer guidance as the process unfolds.

In summary, seeking professional help through marriage counseling or therapy is a pivotal step for couples recovering from infidelity. It provides the necessary tools, guidance, and support to navigate the challenging path of healing, rebuilding trust, and reconnecting on a deeper level. While the road may be arduous, professional intervention often offers a beacon of hope for couples willing to work towards a renewed and healthier relationship.

In conclusion, healing a marriage after the devastating impact of infidelity is an arduous journey, but it’s a journey that can be embarked upon with hope and professional guidance. To sum up, understanding the reasons behind infidelity, recognizing the signs, and considering the possibility of saving the marriage are crucial initial steps. Couples willing to work towards healing should focus on open communication, therapy, and forgiveness. Seeking professional help through marriage counseling or therapy plays a pivotal role in this process, as it offers a neutral and structured environment to address the complex emotions and challenges that infidelity brings. In the end, with patience, commitment, and the right support, couples can rebuild trust, connection, and ultimately, a stronger and more resilient relationship.

For more information, please contact MantraCare. Relationships are an essential part of human life. It is the connection between people, and it helps us to form social bonds, understand and empathize with others. If you have any queries regarding Online Relationship Counseling experienced therapists at MantraCare can help: Book a trial therapy session

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The effect (or lack thereof) of infidelity on divorce.

Mar 18, 2022

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Infidelity is obviously one of the most difficult breaches of trust to forgive in any relationship. While statistics are conflicting when it comes to how many divorces occur because of cheating (some list the number as high as 50 percent and others as low as 15 percent), the fact remains that adultery puts an extreme strain on marriages that can be very difficult to overcome.

When adultery does occur in a marriage, it innately creates a highly emotional and tension filled situation for both parties involved. The spouse who remained faithful will understandably feel anger, betrayal, grief and often the need to get some sort of revenge, while the spouse who cheated usually feels a pressing guilt and anger, either at themselves or misplacing the blame on their spouse for “causing” them to cheat.

Although courts generally do not put much weight into fault when it comes to divorce, this hostile emotional stew can make negotiating a divorce settlement much more difficult.

Women are closing the cheating gap

It has widely been accepted that men cheat more often than women largely due to the ability to separate emotion from sex. Meanwhile, women were seen to be less likely to stray because they required a more emotional connection, and therefore weren’t as susceptible to making an irrational decision based on mere opportunity.

However, new research has found that isn’t necessarily the case. Over the last 20 years, the number of cheating wives has increased by around 40 percent to a mark of 14.7 percent. Men have remained consistent at 21 percent over that time. While you must take any number that relies on self-reporting with a grain of salt, the fact that the number is increasing seems clear enough — and the reasoning makes a lot of sense.

The closing gap can be seen following a changing cultural and economic landscape. Now, women are much more financially independent than in the past, which means they are able to independently support the potential consequences of an affair. Additionally, a larger presence in the work force and advances in communication technology have created more opportunities for hookups.

Though men still have a higher chance of cheating in general, women are increasingly becoming the culprits of extramarital affairs.

Effect of infidelity on no-fault divorce

With the number of marriages ending due to infidelity somewhere between 15-50 percent, it creates many questions as to how this will affect the divorce proceedings. Unfortunately for all of the faithful who are splitting due to a cheating spouse, infidelity rarely has much of an impact on the divorce.

With the prominence of no-fault divorce, blame rarely has much of a bearing on any aspect of the dissolution. There will be no preferential treatment when it comes to the distribution of assets unless you can definitively prove that marital assets were spent on the paramour. Similarly, infidelity will have no influence on custody determinations so long as the affair was not paraded in front of the children.

Alimony has the chance to be affected, but that depends on your states laws and the discretion of your judge. A cheating spouse may lose their right to alimony if infidelity can be conclusively proven, even with a no-fault divorce.

Effect of infidelity on fault divorce

Some states still offer fault divorce , and adultery is often one of the grounds for this method. However, while seeking a fault divorce does come with potential benefits, it also comes with certain risks.

Through a fault-based divorce, one spouse essentially lays the blame for the deterioration of the marriage at the feet of the other. They must then back up this claim with hard evidence, which the “defendant” spouse will get a chance to disprove. If successful, the petitioner in a fault divorce can receive a larger portion of the marital property, a larger (or reduced) spousal support requirement and the ability to avoid the lengthy waiting periods of no-fault divorce.

Still, you must weigh whether or not the chance for a better settlement are worth risking the expense of extensive litigation. Most divorces are settled out of court to avoid the pricey process of additional court hearings and lawyer fees. Additionally, gathering hard evidence of your spouse’s infidelity can be costly. If you fail to prove your claim and your spouse is found innocent, the separation will be treated as a no-fault divorce and you will have wasted a lot of time and resources for nothing.

The level of trust breached by infidelity makes it very difficult to move past, meaning that any marriage where one of the spouses cheats risks divorce. It will be a highly emotional time, and while you probably feel that your spouse deserves nothing, do not expect the courts to feel the same.

As difficult as it will be, your best option is to put all those negative feelings aside and simply negotiate a settlement. You may feel that it’s unfair, but you aren’t going to get any more sympathy from dragging things out in court. Your best bet for moving past such a betrayal is to get things over with as quickly as possible, and move on with your life.

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Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education

Shelby b. scott.

Department of Psychology, University of Denver

Galena K. Rhoades

Scott m. stanley, elizabeth s. allen.

Department of Psychology, University of Colorado – Denver

Howard J. Markman

The study presents findings from interviews of 52 divorced individuals who received the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) while engaged to be married. Using both quantitative and qualitative methods, the study sought to understand participant reasons for divorce (including identification of the “final straw”) in order to understand if the program covered these topics effectively. Participants also provided suggestions based on their premarital education experiences so as to improve future relationship education efforts. The most commonly reported major contributors to divorce were lack of commitment, infidelity, and conflict/arguing. The most common “final straw” reasons were infidelity, domestic violence, and substance use. More participants blamed their partners than blamed themselves for the divorce. Recommendations from participants for the improvement of premarital education included receiving relationship education before making a commitment to marry (when it would be easier to break-up), having support for implementing skills outside of the educational setting, and increasing content about the stages of typical marital development. These results provide new insights into the timing and content of premarital and relationship education.

Divorced individuals, compared to their married counterparts, have higher levels of psychological distress, substance abuse, and depression, as well as lower levels of overall health ( Amato, 2000 ; Hughes & Waite, 2009 ). Marital conflict and divorce have also shown to be associated with negative child outcomes including lower academic success ( Frisco, Muller, & Frank, 2007 ; Sun & Li, 2001 ), poorer psychological well-being (Sun & Li, 2002), and increased depression and anxiety ( Strohschein, 2005 ). Given these negative outcomes of marital conflict and divorce, the overarching goal of premarital relationship education has been to provide couples with skills to have healthy marriages.

The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP; Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010 ) focuses on teaching appropriate communication and conflict skills, and provides information to help couples evaluate expectations, understand relationship commitment, and enhance positive connections through friendship and fun ( Ragan, Einhorn, Rhoades, Markman, & Stanley, 2009 ). Most research indicates that compared to control groups, PREP helps couples learn to communicate more positively and less negatively (e.g., Laurenceau, Stanley, Olmos-Gallo, Baucom, & Markman, 2004 ; Markman, Renick, Floyd, Stanley, & Clements, 1993 ), increases satisfaction, and reduces risk for divorce in the years following the program (e.g., Hahlweg, Markman, Thurmaier, Engl, & Eckert, 1998 ; Hahlweg & Richter, 2010 ; Markman & Hahlweg, 1993 ; Stanley, Allen, Markman, Rhoades, & Prentice, 2010 ). A few studies have shown more mixed or moderated results (e.g., Baucom, Hahlweg, Atkins, Engl, & Thurmaier, 2006 ; van Widenfelt, Hosman, Schaap, & van der Staak, 1996 ; Markman, Rhoades, Stanley, & Peterson, in press ). In an evidence-based tradition, the growing knowledge base can and should be used to generate insights about how to refine future efforts ( Stanley & Markman, 1998 ). One methodology that could improve PREP is to interview divorced individuals who participated in the program about their reasons for divorce and premarital education experiences in order to understand if the program covered these topics effectively.

Few studies have directly examined retrospective reports of reasons for divorce, particularly within the past two decades (see Bloom, Niles, & Tatcher, 1985 ; Gigy & Kelly, 1992 ; Kitson & Holmes, 1992 ; Thurnher, Fenn, Melichar, & Chiriboga, 1983 ) and no study, to our knowledge, has examined reasons for divorce in a sample of individuals who participated in the same relationship education program. Within a sample of divorcing parents, Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty (2012) found that the most endorsed reasons for divorce from a list of possible choices were growing apart (55%), not being able to talk together (53%), and how one’s spouse handled money (40%). Amato and Previti (2003) found that when divorced individuals were asked open-endedly to provide their reasons for divorce, the most cited reasons were infidelity (21.6%), incompatibility (19.2%), and drinking or drug use (10.6%). A statewide survey in Oklahoma found that the most commonly checked reasons for divorce from a list of choices were lack of commitment (85%), too much conflict or arguing (61%), and/or infidelity or extramarital affairs (58%; C. A. Johnson et al., 2001 ). International studies have found highly endorsed reasons for divorce to be marrying too young, communication problems, incompatibility, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol use, religious differences, failures to get along, lack of love, lack of commitment, and childlessness, to name a few ( Al Gharaibeh & Bromfield, 2012 ; Savaya & Cohen, 2003a , 2003b ; Mbosowo, 1994 ).

In sum, across studies some consistency exists regarding the importance of issues such as communication, incompatibility, and commitment as reasons for divorce, while other issues seem to vary across samples. Thus, it would be helpful to understand the reasons for divorce in former PREP participants in order to highlight specific areas that the program could have addressed better and in order to improve that program’s effectiveness. In addition, no study, to our knowledge, has asked divorced participants who all participated in the same premarital program to provide suggestions for improving relationship education programs based on their own experiences in the program and considering that their marriages ended in divorce. These results could be valuable for practitioners to consider in order to improve the PREP model specifically and relationship education efforts more generally. The current study qualitatively interviewed individuals who had completed PREP and later divorced about their premarital education, including what they wished would have been covered, as well as their marital experiences, particularly regarding their reasons for divorce. Therefore, this study sought to understand both participants’ reasons for divorce as well as how they thought relationship education could have better addressed their needs. The ultimate goal of the current study was to provide new knowledge on potential ways to help relationship education best prevent marital distress and divorce.

Participants

Data were collected from 52 individuals who received PREP premaritally but subsequently divorced at some point in the following 14 years. These individuals were all initially participants of a larger study of the effectiveness of premarital education ( N = 306 couples; Markman et al., 2004 ; Stanley et al., 2001 ). All participants in the current study either received PREP through the religious organization ( n = 24) that performed their weddings or PREP through a university ( n = 28). The sample included 31 women and 21 men. Of these, 18 men and 18 women had been married to each other (we were unable to assess the former spouse of the other 16 individuals). At the first time point of the larger study (i.e., the premarital assessment), these participants were 25.4 years old on average ( SD = 6.67), with a median education of 14 years, and median income of $20,000–29,999. At the time of the post-divorce interview, the average age was 37.2 ( SD = 6.5), the median education level was 16 years, and 32 of the participants (61.5%) had a least one child. The average number of years since premarital intervention to the post-divorce interview was 12.2 years, and the average number of years from finalized divorce to participating in the interview was 5.2 years. The sample was 88.2% Caucasian, 5.9% Native American, 3.9% Black, and 2.0% Asian; 1 participant did not report race. In terms of ethnicity, 84.3% of the sample identified as Non-Hispanic and 15.7% as Hispanic.

Couples ( N = 306) were recruited for the larger study through the religious organizations that would later perform their wedding services. At the initial wave of the study in 1996, participants were required to be planning marriage with someone of the opposite sex and needed to participate as a couple. As mentioned earlier, they were assigned to either receive PREP through the religious organization, PREP at a university, or naturally-occurring services. Throughout the duration of the larger study, participants were asked to complete annual assessments that included questionnaires and videotaped discussions. If a participant expressed that he/she was divorced or currently divorcing throughout the larger study, this information was recorded. From 2010–2012, we attempted to contact all divorced participants ( n = 114 individuals) to ask if they would participate in the current study. Of these individuals, we were unable to contact 35 participants, 18 declined an invitation to participate, and 1 participant was deceased. Participants who divorced and had received naturally-occurring services ( n = 8) were excluded from these analyses because we could not know exactly what premarital services they had received. There were no significant differences between divorced individuals who participated in this study compared to divorced individuals who did not participate across age at marriage, ethnicity, personal income, or relationship adjustment at the premarital assessment ( p s > .05).

All participants completed an individual 30-minute audio-recorded interview over the phone about their divorce and their recollections of their premarital intervention. They received $50 for participating in this interview. All interviews were transcribed verbatim for analyses. All study procedures were approved by a university Institutional Review Board.

Reasons for divorce

Using items from a previous survey on reasons for divorce ( C. A. Johnson et al., 2001 ) participants were asked to indicate whether or not each item on a list of common problems in relationships was a “major contributor to their divorce” (“yes” or “no”). These items included lack of commitment, infidelity/extra-marital affairs, too much arguing or conflict, substance abuse, domestic violence, economic hardship, lack of support from family members, marrying too young, little or no premarital education, and religious differences.

Qualitative feedback on progression of divorce

If participants indicated any of the reasons for divorce, they were subsequently asked to elaborate on how this problem progressed to their eventual divorce by the questions “Considering the problems you were telling me such as [the major reasons for divorce the participant listed], how did they move from problems to actually getting a divorce?” and “You said that [cited reason] was major contributor to the divorce. Can you tell me more about that?” We will only present detailed results from this qualitative feedback on reasons for divorce that were endorsed by at least 20% of participants.

Final straw

Participants were also asked if there was a “final straw” to their relationship ending, and to expand on that reason if there was one.

Who should have worked harder?

Participants were asked two questions ( C. A. Johnson et al., 2001 ): “Again looking back at your divorce, do you ever wish that you, yourself, had worked harder to save your marriage?” (with response options of “Yes, I wish I had worked harder” or “No, I worked hard enough.”) and “Do you ever wish that your spouse had worked harder to save your marriage?” (with response options of “Yes, I wish my spouse had worked harder.” or “No, my spouse worked hard enough.”)

Qualitative feedback on PREP

Participants were asked to report and elaborate on what they remembered, found difficult, or wished was different about their premarital education experience in an open-ended format. Example questions from the interviews include “What do you remember about the premarital preparation or training you and your ex-spouse took part in?” and “Based on your experience in a marriage that didn’t work out as you planned, do you think there is any kind of information or education that would have made a difference in how things turned out?”

Analytic Approach

Both quantitative and qualitative approaches were utilized to address our research questions. For the first phase of analysis, answers were counted for close-ended questions, such as the list of major reasons for divorce (see Table 1 ) and if there was a “final straw” (yes or no). For open-ended questions, we followed a grounded-theory methodology ( Creswell, 2006 ; Strauss & Corbin, 1998 ). For the first phase of coding, after repeated readings of the transcripts, two coders, including the first author and a research assistant from the larger project, followed a grounded-theory methodology to generate common themes related to participants’ recollections of their premarital education and reasons for divorce (from open-ended items; Creswell, 2006 ; Strauss & Corbin, 1998 ). The two coders then met repeatedly to compare results and to establish consistency. If the coders disagreed across codes, they discussed their codes with the second author to come to a conclusion. Next, axial coding was used to analyze how different codes vary in order to create specific categories of the individual codes ( Creswell, 2006 ; Strauss & Corbin, 1998 ). For example, axial coding involved examining how respondent reports of general themes (e.g., communication problems) varied in their presentation (e.g., communication problems throughout the relationship vs. communication problems only at the end of marriage).

List of Major Reasons for Divorce by Individuals and Couples Who Participated in PREP

Note. The individuals column reflects the percentage of individuals in the total sample who said yes to each reason. The couples column reflects the percentage of couples who had at least one partner say yes to each reason. The couple agreement column represents how many couples had both partners cite each reason out of the couples that had a least one partner mention that reason.

The final stage of coding included selective coding in which categories were refined and relationships between concepts were noted, such as how reasons for divorce related to difficulties utilizing PREP skills. Once all codes were determined, the first author and a new coder, another research assistant on the project, coded all transcripts with the established coding system. Codes were counted for all individuals, as well as couples as a whole (partner agreement on the same code) and couples in which only one partner from the relationship reported a specific code (partner disagreement on the same code). The average Cohen’s Kappa (per code) was .71 ( SD = .28) and the median was .80.

Analyses are presented at the individual level by using data from all 52 participants, as well as at the couple level by using data from the 18 couples ( n = 36) in which both partners completed interviews.

Reasons for Divorce

Table 1 presents the “major contributors for divorce” list. Overall, the results indicate that the most often cited reasons for divorce at the individual level were lack of commitment (75.0%), infidelity (59.6%), and too much conflict and arguing (57.7%), followed by marrying too young (45.1%), financial problems (36.7%), substance abuse (34.6%), and domestic violence (23.5%). Other problems, such as religious differences, were endorsed less than 20% of the time. The order of these rankings was essentially identical at the couple level, although rates of endorsement increased because both partners were reporting. The following provides qualitative elaborations by participants on these specific reasons for divorce.

Results indicated that the most common major contributing factor to divorce reported by participants was lack of commitment , reported by 75% of individuals and by at least one person in 94.4% of couples. Of the couples in which at least one partner mentioned commitment as a problem, 70.6% represented couples in which both partners agreed that lack of commitment was a major reason for divorce. Some participants reported that commitment within their relationships gradually eroded until there was not enough commitment to sustain the relationship, while others reported more drastic drops in commitment in response to negative events, such as infidelity.

“I realized it was the lack of commitment on my part because I didn’t really feel romantic towards him. I always had felt more still like he was a friend to me.” “It became insurmountable. It got to a point where it seemed like he was no longer really willing to work [on the relationship]. All of the stresses together and then what seemed to me to be an unwillingness to work through it any longer was the last straw for me.”

The next most often cited major contributing factor to divorce was infidelity , endorsed by 59.6% of individuals and by at least one partner in 88.8% of couples. Of those couples who had a least one partner report infidelity as a reason for divorce, only 31.3% represented couples in which both partners agreed that infidelity was a major contributor to the dissolution of their marriage. Thus, the majority of couples with apparent infidelity in their relationships only had one partner mention it as a contributing factor to their divorce. Overall, infidelity was often cited as a critical turning point in a deteriorating relationship.

“It was the final straw when he actually admitted to cheating on me. I kind of had a feeling about it, but, you know, I guess we all deny [because] we never think that the person you are married to or care about would do that to us.” “He cheated on me […] Then I met somebody else and did the same thing. […] And when he found out about it we both essentially agreed that it wasn’t worth trying to make it work anymore because it just hurt too bad.”

Conflict and arguing

Too much conflict and arguing was endorsed by 57.7% of individuals and 72.2% of couples had at least one partner report that was a major contributor to divorce. Of these couples, 53.8% of couples agreed that too much conflict and arguing was a contributor to divorce. Overall, participants indicated that conflicts were not generally resolved calmly or effectively. Respondents also reported that such communication problems increased in frequency and intensity throughout their marriages, which at times, seemed to coincide with lost feelings of positive connections and mutual support. By the end of the marriage, these respondents indicated that there was a significant lack of effective communication.

“I got frustrated of arguing too much.” “We’d have an argument over something really simple and it would turn into just huge, huge fights […] and so our arguments never got better they only ever got worse.”

Marrying too young

Getting married too young was reported as a major contributing factor to divorce by 45.1% of individuals and by at least one partner from 61.1% of couples. Both partners mentioned this reason in 27.3% of these couples. Participants who endorsed this item were an average of 23.3 years old at the time of marriage ( SD = 5.5) and participants who did not endorse this item were 29.2 ( SD = 6.7). In commenting about this issue, some participants reported that they had only known their partners for short periods of time before their marriage and/or that they wished they had dated their partners longer in order to either gain a better perspective on the relationship or to make a more rational decision as to whom they should marry. Additional comments about this issue included reports that participants were too young to make mature objective decisions regarding their marriage decisions.

“The main reason [we divorced] was because of our age. I think that being 19 at the time we got married, it just didn’t take. I think that we didn’t take anything as seriously as we should have.” “I wish that we wouldn’t have […] gotten married so young. I wish we would have waited a little bit longer before we actually got married.”

Financial problems

Financial problems were cited as a major contributor to divorce by 36.7% of participants and by at least one partner from 55.6% of couples. Of couples who had at least one partner endorse financial problems as a contributor to divorce, 50% represented couples in which both partners agreed that financial problems were a major reason for divorce. In elaborating about this issue, some participants indicated that financial difficulties were not the most pertinent reason for their divorce, but instead contributed to increased stress and tension within the relationship. Other participants also expressed that some financial difficulties were linked to other problems (e.g., health problems, substance abuse).

“I had a severe illness for almost a year and I was the only employed person [before that] so obviously money ran very short.” “The stress of trying to figure out the finances became a wedge that was really insurmountable.”

Substance abuse

Substance abuse was reported as a major contributing factor to divorce by 34.6% of participants, and by at least one partner in 50% of couples. Of these couples, only 33.3% of partners agreed that substance abuse was a major contributing factor to divorce. Thus, similar to reports of infidelity, the majority of couples who listed substance abuse as a reason for divorce had only one partner cite this reason. Generally, participants expressed that the severity of the substance abuse problem in their relationship was either minimized over the duration of the relationship, or if attempts to address the problem were made, the partner with the substance abuse problem would not improve and/or seek help. After several attempts to address the problem, the relationship finally ended.

“I said ‘absolutely no more bars’ and as soon as I found out he was back in them, I asked for [a divorce].” “He never admitted that he even drank. It wasn’t me against him. It was me against him and the disease.”

Domestic violence

Domestic violence was cited as a contributing factor to divorce by 23.5% of participants and by at least one partner from 27.8% of couples. Of those couples in which one partner listed domestic abuse a major contributor to divorce, 40.0% of partners agreed that it was a major contributor to divorce. Elaborations of this item included descriptions of both physical and emotional abuse. Participants often expressed how the abuse in their relationship developed gradually, with intensified cycles of abuse and contrition, until the severity of the abuse intensified to insurmountable levels.

“[There was] continuous sexual abuse and emotional trauma which only got worse over time.” “There were times that I felt very physically threatened. There was a time that there was a bit of shoving. I got an elbow to my nose and I got a nose bleed. Then there was another time that he literally just slid me along the floor. […]We’d work on it. It would happen again.”

Final Straw

After assessing participant major reasons for divorce, we were interested to see if participants indicated a single event or reason that constituted a “final straw” in the process of their marriage dissolution. Overall, 68.6% of participants and at least one partner in 88.9% of couples reported that there was a final straw leading to the end of their marriage. General themes of final straw issues where generated through qualitative methods for participants who reported a final straw. Of the individuals who indicated that there was a final straw involved in ending their marriages, the most common cited reason was infidelity, which was reported by 24% of these participants, followed by domestic violence (21.2%) and substance abuse (12.1%). At the couple level, no couples (0%) had both partners report the same reason for the final straw. Participants expressed that although these final straw events may not have been the first incident of their kind (e.g., the first time they realized their partner had a substance abuse problem) an event involving these behaviors led to the final decision for their relationship to end. Also, there were some situations in which individuals expressed that these three issues may have interacted with one another or other relationship issues.

“[My ex-husband] and I both had substance abuse problems which led to infidelity […] which also led to domestic violence”. “Along with him having alcohol and drug issues as well as infidelity issues [and] the stress, came the physical and verbal abuse.”

Who is to Blame?

Considering that infidelity, domestic violence, and substance abuse were the most often endorsed “final straw” reasons for divorce, we were interested in deciphering which member of the relationship participants saw as responsible for these behaviors. In examining participants’ elaborations of infidelity, substance abuse, and domestic violence, we found that 76.9%, 72.2%, and 77.8%, respectively, described these events in terms of their partner engaging in these negative behaviors, and only 11.5%, 11.1%, and 0%, respectively, volunteered that they engaged in the behavior themselves.

Furthermore, when participants were asked if their partner should have worked harder to save their marriages, 65.8% of men and 73.8% of women believe that their ex-spouse should have worked harder to save their marriages. Conversely, when participants were asked if they, personally, should have worked harder to save their marriages, only 31.6% of men and 33.3% of women expressed that they, personally, should have worked harder. Further, at the couple level, 70.6% of couples showed a pattern in which the women believed their ex-husbands should have worked harder to save their relationships while their ex-husbands did not believe they, themselves, should have worked harder. Only 11.7% agreed that the husband should have worked harder and 11.7% had the husband endorse that he should have worked harder with the wife disagreeing. Conversely, only 35.3% of couples displayed the pattern in which the men blamed their ex-wives for not working harder while their ex-wives, themselves, denied that they should have worked harder. Only 11.7% agreed that the wife should have worked harder and 17.7% had the wife endorsed that she should have worked harder with her husband disagreeing. Further, 35.3% of couples agreed that the wife had not needed to work harder to save the marriage, while only 5.9% of couples agreed that the husband had not needed to work harder. Thus, most participants believed their ex-partners should have worked harder, but at the couple level, there were more couples in which both partners agreed that the wife did not need to work harder than there were couples in which both partners agreed the husband did not need to work harder. When asked who filed for the divorce, 63.5% of participants indicated that the woman filed for divorce and only 25% participants indicated that the man filed for divorce.

Feedback on PREP

Next, we provide the findings on the most commonly cited qualitative feedback reported by participants regarding how to improve premarital education. The following results and percentages refer to counts of qualitative codes created by the research team based on common themes in the interviews.

Learning more about one’s partner

Results show that 42.3% of participants and 77.8% of couples expressed that they wished they had known more about their ex-spouse before they were married. Of these couples, 28.6% of partners agreed. These statements included desires to understand their partner better in order to improve their communication and better prepare for the marriage, or conversely, information that would have led them to never marry one’s partner in the first place. Indeed, 30.8% of participants specifically mentioned that they wished they had recognized “red flags” to leave the relationship before they entered their marriage.

“I think the only information that could have [helped] would’ve been information that might have led me to not marry him.” “I probably wish that we would have had more premarital counseling and had somebody tell us we should not be getting married.”

Participating in the program before constraints to marry

Twenty-five percent (25.0%) of participants specifically reported that they were influenced by constraints to stay in the relationship already in place during the program. Example constraints included having become engaged, set a wedding date, sent out invitations, or purchased a dress, which made it difficult for participants to objectively reconsider if they were marrying the right person through the educational experience. Thus, a large portion of participants expressed that receiving PREP just before marriage made it difficult for them to seriously considered delaying their wedding plans in order to make more objective decisions about the relationship.

“It was one of those things where you’re like, ‘Well, I already have the dress. We’re already getting married. We already have all the people. Everything is already set up and we bought the house.’ And you just kind of think, ‘Well you know I’m sure things will get better.’ You see the red flags but you kind of ignore them.” “I just didn’t have the guts to say, ‘You know what, I understand the dresses have been paid for. The churches have been booked. The invitations have gone out. But I don’t think I want to do this.’”

Improved support for ongoing implementation

Thirty-one percent (30.8%) of individuals and 38.9% of couples had at least one partner express that, although they found PREP skills helpful during the duration of the program, they had difficulty using these skills in their daily lives outside of their premarital education classes. Of these couples, 42.9% of partners agreed that they had difficulty implementing program skills in their marriage. In general, these participants expressed that, in the heat of the moment, it was hard to utilize their communication skills, such as staying calm, actively listening, working toward the problem as a team, or taking “time outs” as suggested in PREP. Other participants simply expressed that it was hard to remember and perfect their skills after the program ended because they did not practice them regularly.

“I think that the techniques […] were helpful. I just think it mattered if you were going to apply the principles or not. And I don’t think a lot of them were applied.” “It helped with discussion and listening tools. I think, it’s just the follow through, you know. We didn’t remember those things when it came down to it.” “He tried to use it at the beginning, but it was just the continual using of the techniques that were given to us.”

Education regarding the realities of marriage

In addition to not knowing enough about one’s partner, 48.1% of participants and 72.2% of couples expressed that they did not know enough about the realities or stages of marriage after participating in the program. Of these couples, 38.5% of partners agreed. These comments included surprise that their partners changed over the course of the marriage, as well as trouble facing new problems when they emerged (e.g., lack of attraction/connection, decreases in commitment and satisfaction, and new abuse problems).

“Premarital counseling teaches you how you get along, and that you should communicate, but it doesn’t really talk about the phases of a marriage over time.” “[I wish I had learned] that the biggest area in life in an ongoing relationship is knowing that things are going to come up that aren’t perfect. That after the wedding day, and the build up to the wedding day, real life is going to kick in and you have to really have some tools to deal with it.”

The goal of this study was to increase understanding of divorced individuals’ perspectives on whether their premarital education prepared them for marriage and how relationship education could be modified to better address couples’ needs. Thus, among individuals who received PREP premaritally and later divorced, this study addressed reasons for divorce as well as ideas for what else would have been helpful in relationship education. It is the first study to qualitatively assess divorced participants’ recommendations for relationship education services. Given the small sample and qualitative nature of the reports, the implications discussed below ought to be considered preliminary.

We asked about reasons for divorce to know whether PREP addressed the kinds of problems that couples who went on to divorce tended to experience. The most commonly cited reason for divorce was lack of commitment, followed by infidelity and too much conflict and arguing. These top rated major reasons for divorce noted here are similar to those found in large random surveys of divorced participants (cf. C. A. Johnson et al., 2001 ; Hawkins, Willoughby et al., 2012 ). Overall, these findings support the importance of covering communication and commitment in premarital education programs to help foster successful marriages; however, in light of participant feedback on PREP, the program may have been able to cover these and other topics more effectively.

Whereas issues like communication and commitment overlap with core content in PREP and other programs (see Markman & Rhoades, 2012 ), a substantial portion of responses suggested that, although the skills taught in PREP may been helpful, they did not implement them in real-life situations, particularly during heated discussions. Research indicates that commitment and conflict management are related in that commitment helps partners inhibit negative behaviors and engage in more positive behaviors at critical moments ( Slotter et al., 2012 ); thus, the issues of commitment and conflict management are likely intertwined in important ways. Further, consistent with other research on a German version of PREP ( Hahlweg & Richter, 2010 ), participants also reported that they forgot some of the communication skills over time.

These findings highlight a key question for the couple research field regarding how to enhance couples’ ability to use beneficial strategies when they are most needed. One solution could be to increase the time couples spend in premarital education in order for them to master essential skills and to help them become more likely to constructively derail negative processes as they emerge. At the same time, the version of PREP that these couples received was 12 hours long, which is both on the long end of what most couples receive in premarital education ( Mdn = 8 hours; Stanley, Amato, Johnson, & Markman, 2006 ) and in the range of what tends to be the most effective dose ( Hawkins, Stanley, Blanchard, & Albright, 2012 ). Longer curricula do not seem to lead to stronger effects ( Hawkins, Stanley et al., 2012 ), but future random-assignment studies could address this question better.

With most premarital education services, including PREP, couples are not provided opportunities to practice new skills or receive coaching while they are upset or experiencing a difficult disagreement. A group or workshop format likely inhibits such real-world discussions. It could be that couples would benefit from new program content that helps them practice their skills better when they are having trouble. Couples may also benefit from additional opportunities to perfect the use of program strategies after the intervention has ended, such as through booster classes or individual meetings with coaches. Research indicates that such boosters may be effective ( Braukhaus, Hahlweg, Kroeger, Groth, & Fehm-Wolfsdorf, 2003 ). New technologies now offer innovative ways to deliver such boosters, such as through online training or smart phone applications.

Content Considerations for Premarital Education

Introducing new content on the issues that participants identified as final straws in their marriages may also be beneficial. These issues were infidelity, aggression or emotional abuse, and substance use. Addressing these behaviors directly in relationship education raises some questions regarding which couples relationship education providers might seek to help stay together as opposed to help break-up. We believe premarital education should serve as a prevention effort to help healthy and happy couples stay that way and that keeping distressed, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy couples together would not be a positive outcome. Research on the development of these “final straw” behaviors seems particularly important in the future. A limitation of the current study is that the pre-intervention assessment did not include the kinds of measures necessary to determine the extent to which couples in this study presented with these problems before marriage. Thus, future research is needed to investigate whether premarital education can help prevent couples from developing some of these “final straw” behaviors and whether it may help some couples with problems such as aggression or substance abuse either get the additional help they will need to change these behaviors or break up. We discuss preliminary ideas about whether/how premarital education might cover each of these final straw issues below.

Over half of all participants cited infidelity as a major reason for divorce and infidelity was the most often endorsed “final straw” reason. Infidelity is not a major focus in PREP, though the curriculum does address the importance of commitment, including protecting one’s relationship from attraction to others. Based on participants’ reports from this study, it may be that premarital programs could be improved by more directly addressing how to reduce the potential for extramarital involvement.

If providers or programs choose to address infidelity explicitly, Markman (2005) provides useful guidelines for covering the topic. These recommendations include informing participants that there are specific situations and developmental time periods within relationships with increased risks for engaging in extramarital relationships (e.g., transition to parenthood, close relationships with attractive alternatives, significant drinking). Furthermore, participants could be informed that the risk for extramarital relationships may increase during stressful times—such as when partners are separated for long periods by work demands or experiencing low marital satisfaction—and this information could be shared with participants. Partners could also be given structure to talk with each other about expectations for fidelity, management of relationships with friends or co-workers who could be attractive alternatives, and boundaries for their relationship. However, one barrier to increasing a focus on the prevention of infidelity in premarital education is that relationship commitment and satisfaction is highest right before marriage ( Rhoades, Stanley, & Markman, 2006 ), so engaged couples may not be receptive or eager to directly address the possibility of future extramarital affairs during this time ( Allen et al., 2005 ).

Substance abuse also appeared to be a prevalent problem at least for half of divorced couples in this sample. Overall, reports indicate that although substance abuse problems may have developed gradually throughout these relationships, this issue constituted the final straw to end the relationship for a number of individuals once the situation was perceived as insurmountable. Substance abuse is not currently addressed in PREP except that all couples attending PREP are provided with information on how to get more help for a range of problems, including substance abuse.

Premarital programs may benefit from educating participants on how substance abuse is not uncommon as a reason for divorce in an effort to encourage participants to address substance abuse problems as early as possible. Such program additions could also include how to recognize and get help for substance abuse and could encourage partners to discuss their expectations for substance use in the relationship. Partners may also benefit from discussing how to support each other in seeking help, should the need ever arise. Furthermore, couples could be taught that if a substance abuse develops in the relationship, there is often a discrepancy between partners regarding perspectives on the extent of the problem, which is evident by this study’s findings.

Domestic violence was cited by over a quarter of couples as a reason for divorce. When asked to elaborate, some described verbal abuse, while others described physical aggression. Often participants explained that they initially believed they could work through the problem, but later found it unbearable, as some participants considered an act of physical aggression as the final straw in their relationship. As others have suggested ( Halford, Markman, Kline, & Stanley, 2003 ), premarital education programs may benefit from teaching participants about recognizing, preventing, and getting help for aggression in relationships. In current models of PREP, all participants learn that aggression is unacceptable and they all receive basic information on ways to get help (e.g., through shelters), as to not put particular couples or individuals in awkward or unsafe circumstances in class. Still, more could be done.

The field continues to debate how to best address this issue, as different types of violence and couples of varying risk may warrant different approaches. M. P. Johnson (1995) distinguishes between situational couple violence and intimate terrorism. Specifically, situational couple violence tends to be much more common and represents aggression that comes out of conflict. It is typically initiated by either partner while intimate terrorism encompasses more controlling, threatening behavior, typically by the male partner.

With 36% of unmarried couples having experienced some form of physical aggression in the last year ( Rhoades, Stanley, Kelmer, & Markman, 2010 ), relationship education programs should take care not to scare couples who have experienced aggression away from seeking help. As is done routinely in PREP, it seems necessary in relationship education that providers and program content emphasize to all participants that any aggression is unacceptable and also suggest specific, local ways to seek help for problems with aggression. To develop further content, an understanding of the literature on aggression and violence, including men’s vs. women’s roles, and the different type of violence, is likely particularly important, as recommendations may be different for different kinds of problems. For example, recommendations for situational couple violence might include couple and/or individual therapy focused on intensive skills to help better manage negative affect and conflict effectively whereas intimate terrorism would most likely call for referrals to shelters or law enforcement. For further recommendations regarding domestic violence and relationship education, see suggestions by Derrington, Johnson, Menard, Ooms, and Stanley (2010) .

Financial hardship

Financial hardship was cited as a major reason for divorce that provided stress on their relationship by over half the sample. Although PREP helps couples learn communication skills to discuss stressful topics in general, it is worth considering whether specific content on money and economic stress is warranted. Participants could be asked to more directly share expectations about finances and learn coping skills for times of significant financial strain. They could also be provided with appropriate community resources to improve or stabilize their financial situations or these resources could be incorporated into relationship education efforts.

Marriage expectations

Almost half of interviewees commented that they did not know enough about the typical course of events in marriage. PREP typically addresses expectations by encouraging participants to recognize and discuss their own expectations for marriage ( Markman et al., 2010 ), but it does not provide explicit information about how marriages and families tend to develop over time. More content on normal marital development could be helpful. For example, information could be provided about how satisfaction typically drops and conflict tends to increase during the transition to parenthood (e.g., Doss, Rhoades, Stanley, & Markman, 2009b ) and about the course of attraction and sexual desire in relationships.

Previous research has shown that couples who develop serious difficulties, and eventually seek help, usually do so long after the problems have become deeply entrenched ( Doss, Rhoades, Stanley, & Markman, 2009a ). Thus, relationship education programs may benefit from providing guidelines regarding when to seek professional help and even have couples practice these difficult conversations to encourage them to seek help early and at times when changes are easiest to make. There is survey evidence that premarital education is associated with being more likely to use services later in the marriage ( Williamson, Karney, Trail, & Bradbury, 2012 ), but more direct content on how and when to seek help may be warranted.

This point about seeking help early is complicated by the fact that the majority of participants saw their partner as primarily responsible for participating in the “final straw” behaviors (infidelity, domestic violence, and substance use) and for not working hard enough to save the marriage. Most participants also believed that they, personally, should not have worked harder to save their marriages. Therefore, premarital education may need to focus on encouraging help seeking behaviors in couples with the understanding that most individuals may see their partners as primarily responsible for their difficulties, and therefore, may not feel personally responsible. In addition, the majority of couples displayed a pattern in which the women blamed their ex-husbands while their ex-husbands did not see themselves as responsible. Interestingly, as has been found elsewhere ( Amato & Previti, 2003 ; C. A. Johnson et al., 2001 ), women in this sample were also more likely to eventually file for divorce than men. Thus, it may be especially important that husbands and wives develop realistic expectations about seeking help together, so that they later do not disagree about what circumstances might constitute a need for help.

The Timing of Premarital Education

Our findings show that a considerable number of participants wished that they had known more about their partner before marriage, saying they would have either learned how to handle differences better or left the relationship. Many others believed they had married too young. Also, a portion of participants mentioned that they participated in PREP during a time when the constraints of wedding plans made it more likely for them to ignore factors that may have otherwise ended their relationship. These participant comments highlight the difference between when couples might ideally benefit from premarital education compared to when couples typically seek it. One of the potential benefits of relationship education is that is can help some couples on an ill-advised or premature path toward marriage to reconsider their plans (see Stanley, 2001 ); however, couples typically participate in these programs close to their wedding dates, a time when ending the relationship may be especially difficult.

A potentially stronger overall prevention strategy is to reach people earlier in their relationships, before constraints to marry are in place, or even before individuals enter relationships ( Rhoades & Stanley, 2009 ). Early, individual-oriented relationship education can help individuals develop and practice healthy relationship skills and also help them end unsafe or unhealthy relationships ( Rhoades & Stanley, 2011 ). One recently-developed relationship education curriculum designed for individuals, Within My Reach ( Pearson, Stanley, & Rhoades, 2008 ), has shown success in teaching these skills and helping individuals reach their personal relationship goals ( Antle, Karam, Christensen, Barbee, & Sar, 2011 ). Thus, future research may wish to consider how to encourage individuals and/or couples who have yet to make commitments to marry to participate in relationship education programs, as well as how and when these programs should advise individuals to leave damaging relationships.

Conclusions and Limitations

This study provides new information regarding the reasons for divorce and possible improvements to relationship education programs based on feedback from divorced individuals who participated in PREP premaritally. Although the study focuses on improving the PREP model specifically, relationship education programs working with premarital populations may also find value in our findings, particularly regarding how to cover specific topics deemed important by our participants. Other programs may also benefit from suggestions to provide relationship education earlier and to provide services to help couples master their skill development over time.

This study also has several limitations that warrant discussion. First, respondent reports of their progression toward divorce and premarital education experiences were retrospective and may therefore be biased by the passing of time. Future studies may wish to evaluate relationship problems and reasons for divorce closer to the couple’s decision to divorce. Second, the sample was mostly White and only included participants in heterosexual relationships who married within mostly Christian-based religious organizations. Therefore, future studies are needed to examine whether these findings would be replicated with other groups or cultures. A third limitation is the lack of a comparison group of couples who participated in PREP but did not divorce. As a result, it is not clear whether or not the problems and recommendations these participants identified are specific to this divorced sample, or would translate to couples who remain married. Finally, all participants in this study received PREP when they were engaged to be married so research is needed to evaluate reasons for relationship dissolution and how to improve programs that target individuals and couples in different relationship stages (e.g. dating or married). Nevertheless, this study provides new insight in potential improvements to the content and timing of relationship education.

Acknowledgments

This research was supported by award number R01HD053314 from the Eunice Kennedy Shrivner National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. The content is solely the responsibility of the authors and does not necessarily represent the official views of the Eunice Kennedy Shrivner National Institute of Child Health and Human Development or National Institutes of Health.

Contributor Information

Shelby B. Scott, Department of Psychology, University of Denver.

Galena K. Rhoades, Department of Psychology, University of Denver.

Scott M. Stanley, Department of Psychology, University of Denver.

Elizabeth S. Allen, Department of Psychology, University of Colorado – Denver.

Howard J. Markman, Department of Psychology, University of Denver.

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Overview of The Main Causes of Divorce

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Introduction, major causes of divorce, causes of divorce: essay conclusion, works cited.

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr. looks solemnly into the camera.

Opinion Michelle Goldberg

Terrified Parents, New Age Health Nuts, MAGA Exiles. Meet the R.F.K. Jr. Faithful.

Supported by

By Michelle Goldberg

Photographs by Michael Schmelling

Opinion Columnist

April 4, 2024

Chris Inclan, an alcohol and drug counselor from Sonoma, Calif., voted for the Green Party candidate Jill Stein in 2016. In 2020, he backed Andrew Yang in the Democratic primary, and then cast a ballot for Donald Trump in the general election. Joe Biden, he said, was “so ingrained in the establishment and politics as usual,” while Trump “went against the grain on a lot of issues,” including wars and government regulation. But Inclan, a big bearded 39-year-old with tattoos on his hands, doesn’t want to have to make that choice again, which is why he’s now enthusiastically supporting Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

I met Inclan at the Oakland rally where Kennedy introduced his new running mate, the 38-year-old political donor Nicole Shanahan. Held in the auditorium of the Henry J. Kaiser Center for the Arts, it was the first political rally Inclan had ever attended.

“The system is corrupt,” he said of what he called the two-party “duopoly.” “We keep playing the same game. But I think Americans are fed up.” He’d joined Kennedy’s We the People Party, formed to help Kennedy get on the ballot in several states, and has aspirations to run for office himself someday.

Three men hold up signs in support of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Inclan’s politics are hard to understand in purely left or right terms. The more relevant dichotomy, for him as for many Kennedy voters, is insider versus outsider, which is why Kennedy’s following sometimes overlaps, in unexpected ways, with the MAGA movement.

Matt Castro, a San Francisco bus driver at the rally, described himself as “extremely left-leaning,” but didn’t vote in the last election and said that, if Kennedy isn’t on the ballot, he’d probably vote for Trump in the next one, because of his opposition to military support for Ukraine. Alex Klett, a 33-year-old Kennedy volunteer from Wisconsin who was handing out American flags, described himself as a right-leaning independent who voted for Trump in 2016 and then, in 2020, wrote in Kanye West.

Another Kennedy volunteer, Jaclyn Aldrich, a striking 43-year-old Black woman who sometimes works as a model, has never cast a presidential ballot, because she hadn’t trusted any of the candidates. “I didn’t even vote for Obama,” she said. Among her fellow volunteers, she said, are some former Bernie Sanders voters, but “it’s mostly Trump people.”

This is a paradox of the Kennedy campaign. Many Democratic and Republican insiders view Kennedy as a danger to Biden’s re-election. Timothy Mellon, the top donor to the Trump super PAC Make America Great Again Inc., is also the top donor to the Kennedy super PAC American Values 2024, suggesting he thinks Kennedy will help Trump. The Democratic National Committee, meanwhile, has recently formed a unit, including veteran Democratic operative Lis Smith, devoted to battling third-party candidates, and Kennedy is getting most of its attention.

But on the ground, I haven’t met many Kennedy-curious voters for whom Biden is a second choice. Instead, Kennedy attracts many of the same sort of alienated political eccentrics who in the past have gravitated to Trump. “They keep saying that he’s pulling from Biden, but most of our people are actually coming from the right,” said Leigh Merinoff, volunteer chair of the finance committee of American Values.

Anecdotes aren’t the same thing as data, and people who go to rallies and volunteer for campaigns aren’t necessarily representative of the electorate, which is full of people who are much more disengaged. Nevertheless, there’s a gap between both Democratic and Republican assumptions about Kennedy’s appeal and the character of his real-life movement. He’s much more of a wild card than left-wing third-party candidates like Stein and Cornel West. There’s something distinctly Trumpy in his campaign’s mix of New Age individualism, social media-fueled paranoia and intense, aching nostalgia for the optimistic America of the early 1960s, when Kennedy’s uncle John F. Kennedy was president, and his father, Robert F. Kennedy, served as attorney general. It’s not surprising that some otherwise Trump-leaning voters are picking up on it.

On the surface, Kennedy’s choice of Shanahan, a patent lawyer and former Democrat who has donated to candidates like Pete Buttigieg and Marianne Williamson, might seem as if it would draw more left-leaning voters into the campaign. In introducing Shanahan, an avid surfer who met her ex-husband, the Google founder Sergey Brin, at a yoga festival, Kennedy said, “I wanted a vice president who shared my passion for wholesome, healthy foods, chemical-free, for regenerative agriculture, for good soils,” as well as an athlete who “would help me inspire Americans to heal, to get them back in shape.”

One can imagine voters who frequent farmers markets and follow wellness influencers seeing an idealized version of themselves in her. And while large parts of the New Age and alternative health community moved right during the pandemic in response to lockdowns and vaccine mandates, it’s still a world with plenty of people who think of themselves as progressives.

Indeed, the most interesting thing about Shanahan is the way she dramatizes how Kennedy wins over voters like her. In the week after her debut as a candidate, Shanahan hasn’t made any mainstream media appearances, but she did speak at length on the podcast of Rick Rubin, the music producer and, recently, self-help author , telling the story of her conversion from lifelong Democrat to Kennedy acolyte.

Their conversation is fascinating, demonstrating how frustrations with conventional medicine and the desire for a transcendent order — for a big holistic framework that makes sense of the world’s destabilizing chaos — leads away from technocratic liberalism and toward, well, the unstable political formation that’s coalescing around Kennedy. Listening to it, you can hear a smart and sensitive woman narrating her own journey down the rabbit hole, a portal that took her to a place where she could help swing the 2024 election and thus the course of American history.

Shanahan came to Kennedy the way many desperate parents have. During the pandemic, her 18-month-old daughter was diagnosed, over Zoom, with autism, and she described how none of the interventions offered by experts helped. Another Silicon Valley mom with an autistic child urged her to listen to Kennedy, who has long asserted a false link between vaccines and autism. Though Shanahan was resistant at first — she knew about Kennedy’s reputation as a conspiracy theorist — she tuned into his podcast.

Around the same time, she got deep into the work of Jack Kruse, a neurosurgeon and self-described “biohacker” who emphasizes the importance of sunlight for good health. (Kennedy and Kruse appeared together on Rubin’s podcast last year.) Kruse, said Shanahan, awakened her to the idea that autism could be “related to the way that the brain was responding to some kind of outside influence” — like vaccines — “and how to heal the brain.”

She started her daughter, Echo, on a regimen that included lots of early morning light, swimming in a saltwater pool and music frequencies that send “a signal to brain cells that they can repair.” (“Morning sunlight in particular is like chicken soup for metabolic health,” she told Rubin.) At the same time, she worked to reduce Echo’s exposure to “nonnative light sources,” and cellular and Wi-Fi signals. These interventions, she said, have all helped her daughter. “When it works, maybe we need science to catch up,” she said.

When she met Kennedy last summer, she was impressed by his record of “looking at the environmental exposures and the things that impact human health that are man-created,” she said. Shanahan lamented what she sees as widespread closed-mindedness in the face of the questions she wants to explore. “My daughter has lifted the veil for me,” she said, in an allusion to Aldous Huxley’s work on psychedelics. “If we’re talking about my support for Bobby Kennedy, that is what has brought me to this movement.”

Shanahan was never all that left-wing; she helped fund the recall campaign against San Francisco’s progressive district attorney, Chesa Boudin. Still, her presence on the ticket has alienated some right-leaning Kennedy fans. Shortly after she was announced, one erstwhile Kennedy supporter posted a link to an online “Save R.F.K. Jr. Rally” on Kennedy’s own campaign website, demanding the firing of Kennedy’s campaign manager for promoting a “C.I.A., feminist agenda” by bringing Shanahan on board. (It was quickly taken down.) “I think the pick was meant to be more about covering his left flank, and I found that an odd calculation,” Chamath Palihapitiya, a venture capitalist who has co-hosted a fund-raiser for Kennedy, said on the podcast “All-In.”

In fact, the calculation makes perfect sense: Kennedy needs Shanahan’s money. Her divorce settlement from Brin isn’t public, but she reportedly asked for more than $1 billion, about 1 percent of his net worth at the time, and she’s clearly extremely wealthy. Campaign finance law allows both presidential and vice-presidential candidates to pour unlimited funds into their own races, and the process of getting Kennedy on state ballots as a third-party candidate is going to be expensive. Shanahan has shown she’s willing to spend; she gave $4 million to American Values 2024 to fund a Kennedy ad that ran during the Super Bowl.

Introducing Shanahan in Oakland, Kennedy said, with a straight face, that there is “no American more qualified” than she to serve as vice president. But his speech also gestured at the heart of those qualifications. Shanahan, he said, would help him liberate America from the “predatory cabal” who control the campaign finance system.

It’s doubtful, however, that Shanahan will be able to help Kennedy in ways that go beyond finances, and not just because the influence of vice-presidential candidates tends to be limited, especially with third-party aspirants. (My guess is that few readers remember either Ralph Nader’s or Jill Stein’s running mates.) Shanahan appears to find negative publicity debilitating, an unusual quality in an aspiring politician and one that may limit her visibility.

Before joining the Kennedy ticket, she was probably best known for her divorce from Brin, which, according to The Wall Street Journal, was precipitated by an affair with Elon Musk. (Both she and Musk deny this.) In an essay in People magazine, she described the scrutiny that followed the Journal article as unbearable. “I was thrust into the public eye; the online images and commentary felt more like a zeitgeist than depictions of my lived experiences,” she wrote . Insisting that she’s “not a public person,” she called the Journal article and its aftermath “a disaster for my work life, my reputation and my ability to communicate the things I care most deeply about.”

This week, “Fox & Friends” promoted an appearance by Kennedy and Shanahan, but Kennedy ended up going on alone. In a post on the social media platform X, Shanahan wrote, “While Bobby’s out there spreading our message on TV right now, I’m working behind the scenes to make sure we’re on the ballot in all 50 states.” So rather than add a new note to Kennedy’s message, Shanahan’s is mostly just using her fortune to amplify what he’s already been saying. And what’s he’s been saying is often quite reactionary. (The campaign didn’t respond to my requests to interview Kennedy or Shanahan.)

The last time I saw Kennedy speak, in June in New Hampshire, he was still a Democrat, running a doomed primary challenge to Biden in a campaign managed by the quirky former Democratic congressman Dennis Kucinich. Seeking to echo the famous 1963 “ Peace ” speech in which his presidential uncle called for a halt to the Cold War arms race, Kennedy warned against antagonizing Russia over Ukraine, presenting himself as an antiwar candidate.

Some of his followers still see him that way, but now they must either rationalize or overlook his zealous support for Israel’s war in Gaza. In March, weeks after the Biden administration called for a six-week cease-fire, Kennedy was skeptical of the idea, telling Reuters that previous truces have “been used by Hamas to rearm, to rebuild and then launch another surprise attack.” Though he often rails against censorship, he cheered on the hedge fund billionaire Bill Ackman’s demand that Harvard do more to crack down on antisemitism, writing, “It’s time to hold college administrations responsible for the epidemic of campus antisemitism by insisting on zero-tolerance policies.”

Kucinich left the campaign in mid-October in ambiguous circumstances, though he’s hinted that disagreements with Kennedy about Gaza had something to do with his departure. (The campaign is now run by Kennedy’s daughter-in-law Amaryllis Fox Kennedy, a former C.I.A. officer .) In November, Sayer Ji, an alternative medicine promoter and key anti-vaccine influencer, withdrew his endorsement of Kennedy over Gaza. Charles Eisenstein, a major intellectual figure in New Age circles, is still advising Kennedy, but has been openly critical of his stance on Israel.

While there are still some progressive figures in Kennedy’s orbit, his campaign has an increasingly right-wing vibe. Border security has become a central part of his pitch. Since January, his communications director has been Del Bigtree, a leading anti-vaccine activist who doubts that climate change is caused by human activity, and who spoke at the “MAGA Freedom Rally” near the Capitol on Jan. 6. “I wish I could tell you that this pandemic really is dangerous,” Bigtree said then. “I wish I could believe that voting machines work and that people care. You’ve been sold a lie!”

The conservative talk radio host Randy Economy, one of the leaders of the campaign to recall Gov. Gavin Newsom of California, is Kennedy’s senior adviser for ballot access. An opening speaker at the Oakland event was Angela Stanton-King, a Black conservative QAnon promoter who served time for her role in a car-theft ring and was pardoned by Donald Trump.

Some strains of New Age wellness culture — with its distrust of mainstream expertise, moralistic view of health and weakness for quackery — have long intersected with right-wing politics. (Alex Jones, after all, made much of his fortune shilling health supplements.) The connection between alternative medicine and conservatism grew significantly stronger during the pandemic, as the center of gravity in the anti-vaccine movement moved rightward, while longtime right-wingers grew increasing mistrustful of Big Pharma, and with it, Big Food.

“The globalists want you to be fat, sick, depressed, and isolated — the better to control you and to milk you for as much economic value as they can, before they kill you,” a pseudonymous far-right figure who goes by Raw Egg Nationalist said on the 2022 Tucker Carlson special “The End of Men.”

Kennedy’s conservationism can sound a lot like that of Raw Egg Nationalist. His commitment to the environment is tempered by paranoia about federal government power that makes him suspicious of regulation. Climate change “is being used as a pretext for clamping down totalitarian controls, the same way the Covid crisis was, and it’s the same people,” he said in a campaign video featuring Jordan Peterson, the anti-woke psychologist and author. Dismissing the efficacy of a “war on carbon,” Kennedy said he’d approach energy issues using “free markets and not top-down control.”

Because of his hostility to the state, Kennedy’s environmentalism often manifests as a belief in the redemptive power of healthy living and closeness to nature, which Shanahan shares. This ethos that helps explain Shanahan’s much-publicized criticism of I.V.F. “I believe I.V.F. is sold irresponsibly, and my own experience with natural childbirth has led me to understand that the fertility industry is deeply flawed,” she wrote in People. She’s interested in low-cost, organic alternatives. “I’m not sure that there has been a really thorough mitochondrial respiration study on the effects of two hours of morning sunlight on reproductive health,” she said on a panel last year. “I would love to fund something like that.” Hearing this, I couldn’t help thinking of Carlson’s promotion, on his “End of Men” special, of testicle tanning to raise testosterone levels.

Of course, even though the Kennedy camp has a lot in common with the esoteric new right, Kennedy could still siphon Democratic votes from Biden. A lot of undecided voters don’t follow politics closely, and some who are unhappy about their major-party choices may find themselves drawn to Kennedy’s mythic last name and green-seeming, anti-establishment pitch.

“Anything that splits up the anti-Trump coalition hurts Biden,” said Sarah Longwell, an anti-Trump conservative pollster who regularly asks about Kennedy in focus groups. As she sees it, the largest group of persuadable voters in 2024 are the so-called double haters, those who disapprove of both Trump and Biden. “My experience over the years in the focus groups is that when Trump is top of mind for people, people who dislike both him and Biden end up disliking Trump more,” said Longwell. Kennedy, she fears, could give people who might otherwise reluctantly vote for Biden an off-ramp from making a dispiriting decision.

Some polls back up this analysis. A recent Quinnipiac survey shows Kennedy getting 13 percent of the vote; he has support from 9 percent of Democrats, 8 percent of Republicans, and 20 percent of independents. The poll shows Biden leading Trump by three points in a head-to-head matchup, but Trump ahead by one point when third-party candidates are included. Though both numbers are within the poll’s margin of error, they suggest that Trump could benefit if the election isn’t seen as a binary choice.

Other polls , however, show Kennedy pulling more voters from Trump, and the truth is no one knows how the election will ultimately shake out. “The public polling, if you dig into it, can be really head-swiveling,” said Smith. “It’s very hard to gauge the impact, but it does seem like he pulls from both, and right now — emphasis on right now — slightly more from Biden.”

Kennedy certainly has no qualms about spoiling the election for Trump. On CNN on Monday, he argued that Biden poses a “much worse” threat to democracy than Trump because of the Biden administration’s attempts to get social media companies to remove vaccine misinformation, much of it spread by Kennedy.

“President Biden is the first candidate in history that has used the federal agencies to censor political speech, to censor his opponent,” he said. The primary threat to democracy, he added, “is not somebody who questions election returns,” noting that he himself believed the 2004 election was stolen from John Kerry. “So I don’t think people who say that the election is stolen, we shouldn’t make pariahs of those people,” he said.

This interview was clarifying about Kennedy’s intentions. But precisely because he evidently views Trump, not Biden, as the lesser of two evils, he may prove most attractive to voters who also view the election that way. That, however, would depend on people grasping what he stands for. So it might not be a disaster for Democrats if Shanahan can help Kennedy be more widely heard.

“If anyone is listening who never considered an independent ticket, I want to extend the same invitation to you that my friend did to me last year,” said Shanahan in her Oakland speech. “Please, listen to Bobby Kennedy in his own words.” It’s sage advice.

The Times is committed to publishing a diversity of letters to the editor. We’d like to hear what you think about this or any of our articles. Here are some tips . And here’s our email: [email protected] .

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Michelle Goldberg has been an Opinion columnist since 2017. She is the author of several books about politics, religion and women’s rights, and was part of a team that won a Pulitzer Prize for public service in 2018 for reporting on workplace sexual harassment.

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